by Blue, Kaye
“What are you suggesting?” I asked, curious as to where this is going.
“Feelings have no place in this business, Sasha. But it’s apparent you were stupid enough to fall in love, and it doesn’t look like time will bring you back to your senses.”
“What are you saying, Etienne?” I asked, in totally uncharted territory. Etienne didn’t do emotions, feelings, heart-to-hearts, and this was veering dangerously close to that.
Or he was getting ready to shoot me.
I couldn’t be sure which.
“Go get the woman back so I can leave the city knowing you’ve got your head on straight,” he said.
I was floored and couldn’t help but smile. But only for a moment. Then I turned back to the matter at hand.
“You’re telling me to get back together with her even after what she did?”
“That was stupid, but her motives were pure. Not something I see a lot of.”
“But you were inconvenienced, and you’re willing to overlook that because of her pure motives?”
“No, I’m willing to overlook it because one of my assets seems unable to function without her, and what she did, while stupid and irritating, is something I can understand and thus something I’m willing to forgive. Once.”
My heart lifted, thoughts I’d fought to avoid, hope that maybe, possibly…
I shook my head.
“She betrayed me. Us.”
“As I see it, she didn’t betray you. She just played you. Big deal. It worked out in the end, and you’re a fucking wreck without her,” he said.
“Why are you making this concession?”
It was a very good question.
Etienne was the opposite of sentimental, so he had to have an angle.
“Have you not been listening? Your head’s all over the place, you’re not focused, and if you’re going to be a part of my organization, I need you in tiptop shape. It’s clear that Erin is the missing piece.”
Ghost and Riker, who had mercifully stayed silent, nodded their agreement.
I leaned back in the chair and laughed.
“Etienne, you’re a softie now.”
“I wouldn’t put that theory to the test. But you should go get that woman back so that we can get back to business.”
Ghost and Riker nodded approvingly.
“At least I know some of you won’t succumb to such foolishness.”
I chuckled, but my attention was divided, my mind trying to process what he suggested.
“I’m leaving the country. Let me know when you’re back to yourself,” he said as he stood.
I stood too, as did Ghost and Riker, and together we left the restaurant.
We’d been there for hours, but my business for the day was just beginning
Twenty
Erin
“Hello?”
I answered my cell phone quickly after half a ring.
“Hey!”
“Hey, Adora,” I said.
“Wow,” she laughed, “you do not sound happy to hear from me.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, trying to give my voice a lift and failing.
“No need.”
“You need something?”
“Yeah. I was just wondering if you could come by and help close up the shop,” she said.
“Of course. I’ll be over in twenty,” I said.
“See you then.”
I hung up and looked around the fabric store.
I came every day, mostly because I didn’t have anything else to do, and the prospect of staying in my apartment, feeling how empty it was with nothing but missing him and memories of him to distract me, was something I couldn’t bear.
Fortunately, business had been steady, but I hadn’t taken in any more women.
I was going to, eventually, but if I hoped to help them, I needed to be okay.
And I was anything but okay.
I tallied the register then closed the shop and walked over to the bakery.
I still saw things that reminded me of Sasha and what we’d lost. Got a tweak in my chest to remind me that my heart was broken.
But most of the time, I was simply going through the motions, letting each day pass without allowing myself to really experience them.
I knew it would pass.
It had to.
But until it did, I would be in this terrible, empty place, and I didn’t like that.
More times than I could count, I had been tempted to go to the restaurant or show up at his place, but the memory of the last time I’d seen him held me back.
I could deal was his anger, would have welcomed it, but that flat detachment was more than I could stand to face.
“You’ll be okay,” I told myself, whispering, knowing that I probably looked crazy but not caring one bit.
When I got to the bakery, the lights were off, the door closed, but Adora opened it quickly and pulled me inside.
I looked around and saw that the bakery was pristine, everything wiped down and put away neatly like she insisted.
“Did I take too long to get here?” I asked.
“No. You’re right on time,” she said, leading me to the back.
I followed her into the kitchen and saw a small table set off to one side with two cups of coffee and cake.
“Sit,” she said, gesturing at the table.
I did, and she sat across from me, then she sliced and plated two pieces of delicious-looking cake.
“What’s the occasion?” I asked.
“I’ve tried to hold my tongue, give you your space and not be pushy, but enough is enough,” she said.
She put cream and sugar in her coffee, stirred, sipped, and then looked at me, my usually bubbly friend serious.
“What?”
“Erin, you’ve been moping around for a month. I had to do something.”
“So you invited me for coffee?” I crinkled my brow.
She nodded, smiled, the enthusiasm I was used to seeing in her back.
“There is no problem on planet Earth that a slice or two of my granny’s pound cake and a cup coffee won’t fix. So we’re gonna sit here and talk until we figure out how to get you over whatever this is. And by the way, I’m assuming a man is involved,” she said.
I chuckled, surprised, but then again, not.
Adora was sweet, and even though I thought she was naive at times, she definitely wasn’t a fool. Even more, she fought for people she cared about, which was why I counted her among my most trusted friends.
Still, I wasn’t ready to talk, didn’t know that I ever would be.
“Adora, I—”
She shook her head, doing a pretty good job of appearing disapproving.
“Let me just save you the breath. Yes, you can talk about it. Yes, I will keep everything you tell me in strict confidence. Yes, I will tell you the truth. Now start talking,” she said.
That was almost the push I needed, but I still held back, mostly because I didn’t want to betray Sasha any more than I already had.
“Erin,” Adora said.
I looked at her and saw the seriousness on her face.
“I assume that our friend from the restaurant plays some part in this, so I can imagine there might be some delicate issues at play. There’s no need to give me all the details, but know that I will keep everything to myself, and more importantly, I’m not letting you leave until we hash this out,” she said.
I smiled and took a bite cake.
“Oh my God! This is delicious,” I said, taking another bite.
“I know. Now start talking.”
I smiled again then sobered, putting my cup down.
“I might have screwed up,” I said.
I looked at her, trying to gauge her reaction, but for once, she was inscrutable. To my surprise, she didn’t need to push me to continue. Now that I’d started, I wanted to get this all out.
“I betrayed him. Not intentionally, and I know I did the right thing, or at least had the right intentions
, but that’s not enough for him,” I said.
“He’s unwilling to forgive?”
“Yeah,” I said, suddenly feeling miserable again.
“Let me guess, you haven’t talked to him for a month, I’m assuming since right after this happened.”
“I haven’t,” I said. “He doesn’t want to see me.”
“Maybe. But maybe not,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m no expert on this kind of stuff, but he cares about you.”
“What makes you say that?”
She shrugged. “Like I said, not my area of expertise, but I’m a pretty good judge of people. He fixed your store, and while I don’t know the man, everything you’ve told me says he doesn’t take things lightly. He hasn’t done anything to you because of this ‘betrayal.’ So I think he cares, maybe even more than he knows.”
“He might have once,” I said.
“You should find out for sure. He might not forgive you, but take one more shot before you give up. You don’t want to live your life with the regret of not having gone after what you want. Trust me, I know,” she said.
I stared at her, wondering what she’d meant by that, but even more preoccupied with what an hour ago had seemed unthinkable.
Could I really go to Sasha and try to get his forgiveness?
Would I survive if he broke my heart again?
Twenty-One
Erin
I left the bakery and walked home, but my conversation with Adora never left my mind.
I had hurt him, had put him at incredible risk, but would he be able to look past that?
Was I brave enough to ask him to?
I didn’t know.
What I knew was that I had never felt the way I did with him, and I knew that the thought of never feeling that way again was one I could hardly stand.
Maybe Adora was on to something.
Maybe.
I made my way up the stairs and to my apartment, not looking forward to another night of thinking of and missing him.
When I opened the door and saw him standing there, I thought I was imagining him.
I didn’t react and instead close the door, locked it, dropping my keys and stuff like I always did.
It was a momentary distraction, a way of helping me keep calm for a little longer.
Finally, for lack of anything else to do, I looked at him.
I remembered how drawn I had been to him the first time I’d laid eyes on him. I saw the intensity that had drawn me in, had changed my life.
I wanted to run to him, but I stayed still.
“You’re not going to scream? Ask me why I’m here?”
“No. I’m sure you have your reasons,” I said.
“And what do you think those reasons are?”
“I know what they are, but I’m not going to put words in your mouth.”
He smiled and shook his head.
“You always manage to surprise me, Erin.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“No, it’s not,” he said, his expression dropping. “And yes, it is.”
It was my turn to smile. “Not the usual directness I expect from you.”
“Maybe you rendered the usual me incapable.”
“Somehow, I doubt it,” I said.
He didn’t respond but instead gestured toward the couch. “Sit. We need to talk.”
I tried to ignore the way my heart raced and did as he said.
“I miss you so much,” he said without further preamble.
His expression was pained, and I didn’t even imagine what mine was.
“I miss you more,” I said.
“Not possible.”
We both went silent then, Sasha sitting next to me.
It felt so strange to be this close to him without touching him, but I made no attempt to. That he was here was proof enough that there was hope.
I would follow his lead.
“You have no idea how dangerous that was,” he said.
“I have some idea—”
He shook his head. “No. You don’t. One mistake… If one thing had gone differently, you’d be dead, or someplace that made you wish you were.”
“Sasha, I get it. I really do, but—”
“I know. You had to help them because no else would.”
He looked at me, his eyes intense. Then he looked away, seeming to consider something.
“Was any of it real, Erin?”
The anguish in his voice tore at my gut, but I answered immediately.
“All of it was real. I came to you because I needed you, but every moment we shared was because I wanted you, not because of what I thought you could do for me. Not for your help or your protection, but because I wanted you.”
He stared at me, clearly considering.
“Do you have any idea how I feel about you?”
I shrugged, unsure how to answer.
“You can’t. I barely understand it myself. Since the moment I saw you, you haven’t left my thoughts. I know that the way I feel about you is something I can’t get over. I’ve never said these words to anyone, Erin, but I’m saying them to you, and I’ve never said anything more true. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
He reached for me then dropped his hand, his expression, which had been so dreamy, shifted as he stared at me.
My heart, which had leaped, dropped into my stomach, despair threatening to overtake me.
I felt tears burning at the corners of my eyes and I fought to push them back.
“I want you with me. Will have you. But…”
He trailed off, his expression going even more stern, his eyes locked on mine.
“But there can be no secrets between us.”
“That won’t be,” I said.
“And my business is something you can’t ever be a part of.”
“Okay,” I said.
“And this work you do…”
He trailed off, and I waited, my heart lifting but my mind wary.
“I won’t to ask you to give it up. I know how much it means to you. But no more going off on your own, doing stupid shit. I have resources, and you’ll use them,” he said.
Happiness like I had never felt rushed over me.
In those few seconds, I’d asked myself if I’d be able to give it up, deciding that for him would, but that I didn’t have to was just one of the reasons I knew I would love him forever.
He stood and walked around the couch. “Come here,” he said, his voice going husky.
“Okay,” I replied, walking toward him.
He leaned back, and I shivered at the sight of his huge body, his stance relaxed, causal, though I knew he was anything but.
“Strip,” he said.
I smiled, feeling shy but also turned on, and knowing that he was watching me pushed me into overdrive.
I moved to the imaginary beat, stripping my utilitarian clothes like they were the finest garments, being rewarded by a look of lust in his eyes.
When I was naked, I stilled and stood in front of him, all of me, body and soul, exposed.
I met his eyes.
Saw love there, love I knew was reflected in my own.
I stepped closer to him, moved my hands down the hard planes of his chest, and lower to his belt buckle.
He didn’t touch me, seeming content as I opened his pants and letting out a low moan when I wrapped my hand around the base of his cock.
He tilted his hips enough to let me slide down his pants down and then he took over.
He pulled me into his arms, his cock nestled against my stomach. He held me tight, our bodies touching, but even more, the soul connection that had been there from the first was stronger now, one that would grow over our lifetime together.
He broke away and stared down at me, his eyes soft with love, affection, emotion I would never tire of seeing.
Then he kissed me and pulled back again, this time unmistakable lust in his gaze.
He led me to the bedroom, and we lay down, Sasha resting between my open thighs. We stayed that way for a moment, another, before need took over.
We both sighed when he entered me, buried his cock deep, filling me the way only he could.
The passion that had always been there only got more intense when I met his eyes and again saw his love.
I stayed frozen as he leaned forward to kiss me, his cock throbbing inside me, his lips barely grazing my face.
We stayed that way for a long moment and then he again took over, anchoring his hands on my hips as he drove his cock in and out of me.
I wanted to touch him but soon lost myself in the sensation, moaning as he drove me higher and higher until I went over.
I clamped down on him hard, but he didn’t relent, thrusting into me faster and faster, the tight grip of his hands on my hips bruising, leaving marks I would cherish.
I wrapped my arms tight around his massive shoulders, pulled him as close to me as I could, and then stilled as he reached between us, teasing my clit and sending me over the edge again.
This time when I clamped down on him, he froze, and on a deep breath he emptied himself inside me.
His filled me with warmth, that feeling of completion inside only matching the warmth in my heart.
I held him tight.
“I love you, Erin,” he whispered.
“I love you too, Sasha. Forever.”
Epilogue
Ghost
What the fuck was I doing?
A question I shouldn’t be asking, just as I shouldn’t be doing what I was.
But I continued on, one step after another after another, all leading me inexorably toward my destination.
A place I had no business being.
One I couldn’t bring myself to avoid.
I should.
I knew going here would only lead to trouble.
Still, I walked.
I could lie, tell myself I was just on a stroll. Tell myself this wasn’t important.
But it was important.
She was important.
At the first glimpse of her in the plate glass window, I felt like I could breathe.
At the second, I felt so much more.
Felt alive.
I lost sight of her, sad, but knowing those few fleeting moments would sustain me. I wondered what about this woman made me feel things I’d thought I never would again.
