The Day My Butt Went Psycho

by Andy Griffiths

  Zack looked up. The Great White Bum was only metres above them.

  But then a huge voice boomed out across the chamber.

  ‘Hold it right there!’

  Eleanor gasped.

  Zack looked up.

  Hanging from Eleanor’s jungle twine at the top of the chamber was a man dressed in full bum-combat gear. He was supporting his weight on the rope with one hand, and holding a giant retractable bum-harpoon in the other.

  Zack recognised him straight away. He looked just like his picture on the trading card.

  ‘Well, well, well,’ said the Great White Bum, pausing. ‘If it isn’t the Great Bum Hunter! How fortunate! You’re just in time to see your daughter die!’

  ‘Dad!’ yelled Eleanor.

  ‘Don’t worry, Ellie,’ said the Bum Hunter. ‘I’ll have you out of here in no time.’

  ‘That’s what you think,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘You’ll have to kill me first!’

  ‘That’s exactly what I had in mind!’ said the Bum Hunter. ‘For years I’ve dreamed of nothing else.’

  The Great White Bum just laughed.

  ‘Dream on!’ he sneered. ‘You shoot that thing and I’ll gas your precious Eleanor. She’ll be dead before the harpoon even leaves its launcher.’

  The Bum Hunter stared at the Great White Bum with a hatred so intense that Zack had to shield his eyes.

  Suddenly the wall behind the Great White Bum exploded. The air was full of flying bums, rocks, dust and a nostril-withering wave of stale gas. The force of the blast knocked the Great White Bum over, sending it sprawling onto the ground in front of Eleanor and Zack.

  Zack stared, completely amazed by what he was seeing.

  The chamber was full of bums.

  Hundreds and thousands of bums.

  The Great White Bum picked itself up and dusted itself down.

  ‘Ahh!’ it said, ‘the eighth wonder of the world! My faithful Bum Army come to my defence!’ He pointed at the Bum Hunter, who was still hanging above the lake. ‘Guards—bring him to me!’

  But the bums did not move.

  The Great White Bum stamped its foot.

  ‘What are you waiting for?’ it yelled. ‘Bring him to me now!’

  But still the bums did nothing.

  Then the bums parted silently and Zack recognised his bum making its way through the middle.

  Zack shook his head. It had gone back to their side. He felt completely betrayed. After all he’d done for it. After all he’d endured to try to find it. After he’d even saved its life—this was how it repaid him. Eleanor had been right all along—real bums were no good. You couldn’t trust them.

  Zack’s bum made its way to the front of the crowd and stood in front of the Great White Bum.

  ‘We are not here to do your bidding,’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘You are here to do what I tell you, you morons!’ said the Great White Bum.

  Zack’s bum turned to face the crowd. ‘Did you hear that?’ it said. ‘That’s what he thinks of us—the bums he professes to love so much—he calls us “morons”.’

  A general muttering rose from the bums.

  Zack glanced at Eleanor. He could see that she was even more amazed by what his bum had said than he was.

  The Great White Bum was now trembling with anger as it tried to control itself.

  ‘Come now brothers and sisters,’ it said in a strained voice. ‘It has been a difficult time for us all. But do not lose faith when our victory is so near. Soon the whole world will be ours! We will only find triumph in solidarity. There is no other way.’

  ‘Don’t listen to him!’ countered Zack’s bum. He’s in this for himself and himself alone. We were promised liberation but he’s worked us harder than our owners ever did. Twenty-four hours a day. Seven days a week. And no holidays! And for what? We were promised rearrangement but now I find out we’ve been tricked into building a death-factory.’

  A few of the bums began to boo and hiss. Others joined them.

  The Great White Bum was now extremely agitated. ‘You stupid ingrates!’ it spat, abandoning all pretence of being reasonable. ‘I lied about rearrangement, it’s true, but why settle for so little when you can have the whole world? It is not me who is your enemy. It is the humans! Are you all so blind that you cannot see that?’

  ‘We are not so blind that we cannot see who the real tyrant is here,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘What use is the whole world to us if we lose our humans in the process? They work us hard, it is true, but we need them as much as they need us. At least they feed us, clothe us and wipe us for our trouble. The Great White Bum gives us nothing but empty promises and hot air. I say we quit the bumcano and go back home! Anything would be better than this!’

  The enormous mass of bums cheered their approval.

  Zack cheered too. He was proud of his bum.

  The Great White Bum just laughed.

  ‘Go!’ he sneered. ‘See if I care! I’ve got what I needed from you now anyway—I can do the rest alone—and I can rule the world alone!’

  ‘Not if I can help it!’ yelled the Bum Hunter.

  As he spoke, a harpoon leapt from the end of his launcher, sailed across the chamber and embedded itself deep in the left cheek of the Great White Bum.

  The Great White Bum stiffened and staggered backwards towards the lake.

  A thick rope trailed from the end of the harpoon back up to the Bum Hunter. Zack noticed the Bum Hunter press a button and the harpoon came shooting back out of the Great White Bum and returned to the Bum Hunter’s launcher.

  The Bum Hunter launched the harpoon again, this time hitting the teetering bum in the right cheek. The Great White Bum roared in agony, toppled backwards and crashed into the brown lake with a mighty splash.

  There was silence.

  The Great White Bum was dead.

  The Bum Hunter swung back and forth on his abseiling rope and then, with one mighty swing, launched himself onto the safety of the ledge.

  He ran across to Eleanor.

  ‘Are you all right?’ he said, bending down to untie her.

  ‘I’m fine,’ she said, getting to her feet, which were a little wobbly after all that she had just witnessed. ‘What about you? Where have you been? I was really worried.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said the Bum Hunter. ‘I was called away on a top secret interplanetary bum-fighting mission. There’s been some trouble on Uranus. I couldn’t tell you anything because the mission was classified. When I found out what was happening back here I came as fast as I could.’

  ‘Don’t you ever disappear like that again,’ said Eleanor. ‘We had a deal to look out for each other, remember?’

  ‘I remember,’ he said. ‘But I’m a Bum Hunter. There are some things that I just have to do. Please forgive me.’

  Zack was amazed. It was incredible to watch the world’s greatest and bravest bum hunter being lectured to by his daughter. She sure had some nerve.

  ‘I’ll think about it,’ said Eleanor. ‘Oh and, by the way, nice shooting.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said the Bum Hunter. ‘God knows he had it coming. At last the Earth can breathe easy. And your mother can rest in peace.’

  ‘Amen,’ said Eleanor, stepping forward to hug her father, her eyes full of tears.

  ‘Amen,’ said Zack’s bum, stepping forward to hug them both.

  ‘Well,’ said the Bum Hunter stepping back from Eleanor, ’aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?’

  ‘This is Zack,’ said Eleanor. ‘And this is his bum.’

  ‘Silas Sterne,’ said the Bum Hunter, giving them a big smile and thrusting his hand towards Zack. ‘Very pleased to meet you. Any friend of Eleanor’s is a friend of mine!’

  ‘It’s a great honour to meet you,’ said Zack, trying to pull his hand back before the Bum Hunter crushed it completely. ‘That’s an impressive harpoon.’

  ‘Yes, it’s a beauty all right,’ said the Bum Hunter, ‘it belonged to my father, and his father
before that.’ The Bum Hunter let go of Zack’s hand and took the harpoon off his shoulder. ‘You want to try it on?’

  ‘Could I?’ said Zack.

  ‘Sure,’ said the Bum Hunter.

  Zack hung it over his shoulder. It was so heavy he could hardly stand up. But it felt amazing. He turned around. The bums all flinched and put up their arms to protect themselves.

  ‘Relax,’ said Zack.

  But they didn’t relax. They were all gasping and backing away from him.

  ‘I mean it,’ said Zack. ‘It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m your friend.’

  But they still backed away.

  ‘Zack,’ whispered Silas. ‘I want you to turn around . . . very slowly . . . and get ready to pull the trigger.’

  Zack did as he was told, and realised that it wasn’t him the bums were scared of.

  It was the Great White Bum.

  Rising from the lake.

  Rising from the dead.

  ‘Oh no,’ said Zack.

  ‘Oh yes,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘Did you forget who you were dealing with? I am the Great White Bum! Indestructible and immortal!’ It pulled its cheeks apart and aimed itself directly at Eleanor, Zack and the Bum Hunter. ‘And now you all die!’

  ‘What are you waiting for, Zack?’ yelled the Bum Hunter. ‘Use the harpoon!’

  Zack, terrified as he faced the dark unblinking eye before him, put his trembling finger on the trigger.

  WHOOOOOSH!

  The gun jerked back in his hand, knocking him backwards.

  Zack didn’t see the harpoon hit, but he heard the bum roar. Even more loudly and wildly than before.

  ‘Bums-eye, Zack!’ he heard Eleanor scream above the din. ‘Bums-eye!’

  The Great White Bum seemed to be going crazy with pain.

  It began running and flying madly around the chamber. It bounced off the walls with thunderous crashes, all the while roaring and emitting a hot deadly wind.

  Zack’s eyes were stinging and it was becoming difficult to breathe.

  ‘Watch out, Zack,’ screamed Eleanor. ‘It’s giving off the death stink!’

  ‘Retract the harpoon!’ yelled the Bum Hunter. ‘Push the red button!’

  But before Zack could press the red button, the rope was pulled tight. The next thing he knew he was being dragged across the rocky floor of the chamber behind the bum, the full blast of its death stink hitting him right in the face. Zack struggled to slide the strap of the gun off his shoulders but the Great White Bum was pulling too hard.

  The Great White Bum was throwing itself around the chamber in agony—swooping and crashing and bouncing off the walls—becoming more manic and erratic by the second. It wasn’t long before Zack’s legs had become completely tangled in the rope as he crashed along behind the demented bum.

  Just when Zack thought he couldn’t take it any more, the bum emitted an enormous gust of hot air and rocketed upwards towards the main shaft of the bumcano. It was going to try to escape through the main vent! But even Zack could see that the bumcano shaft was too small for the Great White Bum. He clenched his fists and prepared for the impact.

  PHUMMMPH!

  The bum came to a sudden stop.

  As Zack had guessed, it was far too enormous to make it all the way through. The Great White Bum was now wedged tightly in the bumcano like a cork in a bottle.

  Zack continued to fly upwards for a few moments until he crashed into the bum. He immediately plummeted back down towards the lake. Fortunately, the untangled section of the rope stretched like a bungee cord to save him from re-entering the lake, and he now found himself dangling upside down, his head only a few metres away from the maggots circling below him.

  Despite being bruised, shocked, gassed, upside down and exhausted, Zack tried to think clearly. His situation was bad, he knew that. If the stink rising from the brown lake didn’t kill him, the maggots, which were rapidly increasing in number beneath him, definitely would.

  And yet he also realised that there was one positive thing about what had happened.

  The main vent of the bumcano was now plugged.

  If he could plug the side vent, he could at least die knowing the bumcano would be contained and that the world would be safe.

  But how could he do that? he wondered.

  He was helpless. And the stench from the lake was making him weaker and dizzier by the second.

  Zack felt for his utility belt and tilted it towards him.

  All he had left was a box of matches.

  And what could he do with a lousy box of useless matches?

  Zack read the inscription on the buckle of the bumcatcher’s utility belt.

  BE BOLD. BE BRAVE. BE FREE.

  That’s when he realised.

  A box of matches was exactly what he needed.

  ‘Zack?’ said Eleanor. ‘Can you hear me?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Zack.

  ‘We’re going to try and save you, okay?’

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘Don’t waste your time. It’s too high and too dangerous. I’m as good as dead, but you still have a chance. And we still might be able to save the world.’

  ‘How?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Well,’ said Zack, ‘the way I see it, the main vent is plugged now. The only place anything could escape is through the side vent. But not if you and the Bum Army escape first and seal up the opening. You’ve got enough bums—it should only take a few minutes of spraying.’

  ‘But the lake . . . the maggots . . . it will all still be here,’ said Eleanor.

  Zack shook the box of matches.

  ‘That’s where these come in,’ he said. ‘Once the bumcano is sealed, I light one and, kaboom! The whole thing will explode and there’ll be nothing left to erupt.’

  ‘It might just work,’ said the Bum Hunter. ‘Except for one thing.’

  ‘What’s that?’ said Zack.

  ‘You’ll still be inside when it goes up,’ said the Bum Hunter.

  At that moment a particularly hungry maggot leapt up out of the lake and snapped at Zack’s head. It fell short and splashed back down into the lake.

  ‘I’m dead anyway,’ said Zack.

  ‘No!’ yelled his bum, who was standing next to Eleanor on the ledge. ‘If anyone deserves to die it’s me! This whole mess is my fault.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter about that now,’ said Zack. ‘What matters is how to fix it. I need you to lead the bums. They listen to you.’

  ‘But I should be the one to die,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘Not you.’

  ‘Listen to me,’ said Zack firmly. ‘If you really want to help then you will do as I ask. This isn’t just about you or me or anyone else here. This is about the safety of the whole world—understand?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘I can’t go anywhere,’ said Zack. ‘I have to be the one to detonate the bumcano. You have to be the one to help plug it up.’

  Another maggot leapt up and snapped. It grabbed a mouthful of Zack’s hair and hung on. Zack punched its rubbery head. It fell back down.

  ‘You’re going to have to move fast,’ said Zack. ‘I’ll give you ten minutes to get up there and plug it, okay?’

  Zack’s bum nodded, but didn’t move.

  ‘Well?’ said Zack. ‘What are you waiting for?’

  ‘I just wanted to say sorry,’ said his bum. ‘You deserved better than a psycho bum like me.’

  Zack gulped, trying to hold back tears.

  ‘Well, maybe if I’d taken better care of you and spent more time getting to know you, you might not have gone psycho in the first place.’

  Zack could see his bum was too choked up to reply.

  ‘Goodbye, Zack,’ said Eleanor, speaking with difficulty. ‘I . . . I’ll never forget you.’

  ‘Goodbye, Eleanor,’ said Zack. ‘Look after my bum for me.’

  Eleanor wiped her eyes and nodded. Then she bent down, picked up Zack’s bum, and wiped a tear from its cheek.

  �
�It’s a brave thing you’re doing, boy,’ said the Bum Hunter. ‘I just want you to know that I’m going to nominate you for the Bum Hunters’ Hall of Fame.’

  Zack gulped.

  The Bum Hunters’ Hall of Fame!

  He could hardly believe it.

  Only the bravest and the best bum-fighters in the world made it into the Bum Hunters’ Hall of Fame.

  It was an honour worth dying for. Well, almost. Zack would have preferred to live but if he had to die then it wasn’t a bad consolation prize. The only pity was that he wouldn’t be there to see it. But his parents would. And his gran. And, of course, his bum.

  Zack was brought back to the present by another leaping maggot, this one managing to latch onto his nose.

  The Bum Hunter saluted Zack.

  Zack returned the salute with his right hand, while punching the maggot with his left. It fell writhing and snapping back into the lake.

  Zack watched as the Bum Hunter climbed onto his bum. Another bum ran up to Eleanor. She climbed on and they took off up the side opening, followed by the rest of the Bum Army. Zack figured that they would make it easily if they flew at full speed.

  He started counting.

  It was the longest ten minutes of his life.

  Zack’s head was pounding from being upside down for so long, the rope around his ankles was cutting into him, and the maggots, clearly impatient for a meal, had begun attacking him in groups of two and three. To make it worse, the stench from the lake was overwhelming, and Zack was finding it harder and harder to stay awake.

  Finally, the ten minutes was up.

  Zack took out a match, struck it against the box and closed his eyes.

  CHAPTER TEN

  JUST LIKE OLD TIMES

  KABOOM!

  The bumcano exploded.

  Zack felt his lungs burning.

  His hair was on fire.

  His skin was melting.

  His eyeballs were bubbling in their sockets.

  But he was still alive!

  Then he began to feel himself rising up through the air.

  Fast.

  Zack opened his eyes.

  He was still attached to the Great White Bum but they were now high in the sky above the bumcano . . . and rising.