The Green Beans, Volume 4: Shipwrecked on Smuttynose Island
Page 10
“Look, sir, I’m no expert on exploding minds, and my very undoing, and whatnot,” Neil said. “But it seems kind of improbable that knowledge would, uh… destroy us… don’t you think?”
“Are you worried we might burst into a ball of flames or something?” asked Jack, managing to suppress his grin (but just barely).
“It’s a metaphor, boy! A metaphor!” the keeper bellowed, clenching his fists and jangling his chains. “By the stars and sun, you’re a thick headed bunch!”
“This secret knowledge that you’ve eluded to does sound pretty interesting. I rather think that I’d like to hear about this, too,” Lefty called out from where he lay on the sand, jabbing his index finger skyward for emphasis.
The keeper sighed with exasperation, muttering, “You are a most difficult and troublesome group of interlopers.”
“Well, then, if you insist on hoarding all your precious, mind blowing, brain busting secrets, go on with whatever it was you were planning on telling us in the first place,” Jack said. “Just stick with that, and we’ll go from there.”
“I… you, uh…” the keeper stammered. He straightened his posture and expanded his chest. “Uh…”
“Yes?” Neil asked. “What is it?”
“You cursed whelps! You made me forget where I was going with this!” the keeper exclaimed.
“You had mentioned something about knowledge that would make our noggins detonate, and before that, you strongly inferred we should leave the island,” Neil answered. “And, uh, something else about doom enveloping us within its ‘toothy maw’… I believe that’s what it was.”
“That’s right! You must flee this place, at once. Flee, I say. Fleeeeee…” the keeper said, rattling his chains and waving his hands around, as if he were attempting to chase off a band of stray cats.
Neil’s face adopted a bewildered expression, and he pointed at the busted up boat, which lay smashed upon the rocks. “Does it look like this thing’s going anywhere? How exactly do you suggest we do all this fleeing that you’re carrying on about?”
“Not my problem!” the keeper promptly replied.
“Well, do you have a phone or a radio or something?” asked Jack. “We have a robot on hand, but he might need to be rebooted.”
“I have no assistance for the deaf lot of you! And stop looking at me!” The keeper shook his chains about in a spooky manner, as if trying to imitate a ghost.
“Huh?” Neil and Jack asked in tandem.
“Do not look upon me,” the robed figure said, in the scariest voice that he could muster - which wasn’t a particularly terrifying effect, especially with the bright sunlight and singing birds.
Neil and Jack only continued to stare at the mysterious figure, their jaws dropped in astonishment, their brows furrowed with confusion.
“Are you simple in mind? I said, do not look upon me!” the keeper bellowed.
“Oh, we heard you, sir,” Neil said.
“Well, then? Why do you continue to pepper me with your foolish stares? You have the slack-jawed countenance of barnyard creatures, and I find it most unsettling, I feel inclined to inform you.”
“Well, that’s just rude,” Jack muttered to Neil. “He’s the one wearing a robe that looks like it might have been fashioned from a potato sack.”
“I heard that!” the keeper barked. “And this isn’t a potato sack, impudent child!”
“But… why? Why do you demand that we, uh… look away?” Neil asked. “We’ve been looking at you all this time already. And rest assured, we can’t see your face - it’s hidden by your hood.”
“Why, uh, because I am the keeper of the island, and I am imbued with great, somewhat mystical properties that are not fit for the eyes of mortals,” the keeper answered, shaking his chains for flourish.
“For real?” asked Neil.
“Yes!” answered the keeper. “You must cast your eyes away!”
“Seriously?” asked Jack.
“At once! Look away, look away, I tell you!” ordered the keeper, with grand shaking and clanking of chain links. “Stop asking me the same questions again and again, you irreverent trespassers!”
The boys sighed and exchanged a bemused, confused glance with one another. However, they were very much accustomed to dealing with eccentric, unhinged adults. As odd as it might seem, this was far from the weirdest thing they had seen in their time adventuring.
“Best to humor him,” Lefty whispered to the boys. “Seems he might still be searching for a few lost marbles, if you know what I mean.”
“Quit whispering over there!” barked the keeper, as he suspiciously eyeballed their group.
“Ah-roo?” asked Nibbler. His furry face was now almost completely horizontal, he had tilted it so far to the side in bewilderment.
“Uh, as you wish, oh great keeper,” Jack said, his voice filled with a measure of inflated respect and awe that he hoped might be suitable. “Where shall we direct our unworthy gazes, oh wise warden of these mysterious lands?”
“Is that sarcasm?” the keeper demanded. “I know sarcasm when I hear it, you impertinent child!”
“Nope,” Jack answered without missing a beat, while Neil stifled a giggle beside him. “I believe it’s reverence, oh great keeper.”
“Very well, then. Uh… just, uh… look down at the ground, I suppose,” ordered the keeper.
“At once!” Jack answered.
The boys cast their eyes upon their soaked and sandy sneakers. Nibbler seemed to intuit the gist of the scenario, for he respectfully began chewing upon one of his own ankles, thus averting his gaze from the strange, robed figure. Murphy, meanwhile, had taken an interest in studying the clouds, squeaking thoughtfully as he observed their shapes.
“How’s that?” Neil asked.
“Very good, you hearing-impaired, slow witted miscreants. Your ability to follow an instruction, however simple it might be, is nothing short of a marvel,” the keeper commended.
“Thank you, sir!” Neil said with an enthusiastic salute. Unfortunately, in his zeal, he forgot to look at the ground, and he lifted his gaze to the keeper.
“Hey, you’re looking upon me again!”
“Sorry, sir!” Neil apologized, quickly returning his eyes to the ground. “Please proceed!”
The robed man’s shoulders slumped with exasperation. “Work with me here!” To himself, he muttered, “This right here… this is exactly why I don’t have children. Rambunctious and impossible, they are.”
“He seems to have fallen from his rocker, eh?” Lefty whispered to the boys. “Blown a gasket or two, I’d wager.”
“We are ready to receive your wisdom, oh benevolent warden of Smuttynose,” Neil said.
With a grand clearing of his throat, the keeper bellowed, “Heed my words, you wandering fools, for you trespass at a great and terrible peril! Be gone from this place! Be gone from this place at once… or embrace your doom. Doom, I say! Dooooooom…”
The boys heard the last word trail off, becoming quieter, and they risked glancing up. As they had suspected, the keeper was traveling farther into the forest, putting distance between himself and the group on the beach.
They noticed that he heavily favored one leg when he walked, making him move with a very distinct hobble. Over one shoulder, he carried the burlap sack that had rested at his feet earlier. It was impossible to tell what was in it, but it looked sort of like he was hauling a bowling ball, which would be a rather bizarre choice of luggage for an island.
As the keeper hobbled away, making his way through the dense forest, several spry tree branches thwacked him in the face, thoroughly dispelling his intended imagery as an omnipotent figure.
“Well,” Neil said slowly. “There’s something you definitely don’t see every day.”
Chapter Eleven
Noodles Loses His Head