by Abel, Maegan
But I couldn’t do that anymore.
I didn’t budge when Tony walked back in. He came over, shrugging out of his coat and tossing it over a chair along with his hat. He sighed as he dropped onto the couch but didn’t speak first.
“Were you trying to make me jealous or trying to out us?” I asked, knowing exactly what he was after. The answer was both. He didn’t reply. “I told you I was busy tonight so instead of taking that, you decided to show up at the bar where you knew I would be. Why?”
He reached up, unconsciously toying with one of the gauges in his ear as he spoke. “I told you, I wanted to see you.”
“Bullshit, Tony, you were letting Cameryn hang all over you in hopes it would piss me off and I would make a scene.”
“You had your head too far up Zane’s ass to pay any attention to me anyway,” he snapped, closing his eyes as he jumped right into the root of the problem.
“I told you before, Zane is my best friend. If you can’t handle that—”
“Best friend, my ass. Do you think I’m an idiot, Lili? Do you think I can’t see what’s going on?”
I ignored his implication, tired of hearing it from him. “I’m done.” The words were barely above a whisper. It hurt me to say them. He just stared at me. “I mean it. We’re finished. I can’t do this anymore. You’re pushing and I told you this was all you’d get from me.”
“Fine. I’ll stop, okay? You don’t want to tell anyone, you want to keep things like they are, fine. I’m sorry.” His voice was defeated as he ran his thumb over the light beard coming in.
I stared at him, my brain and my body at war. I’d come here to end things with him but I would be lying to myself if I said I didn’t still want him.
He turned his face toward mine, the brown eyes I knew so well melting into a deeper shade as he caught me staring. He leaned closer, close enough to press his forehead to mine when I didn’t object. “Do you forgive me?” he asked, the rumble in his low voice doing amazing things to my body. The sexy smirk on his face made me realize I was nodding before I even told myself to do it. “Can I make it up to you?” I tilted my chin up, capturing his lips in answer. My fingers scratched along his jaw, enjoying the rough feel of the hair as he lifted me up, carrying me toward his bedroom. I gave in, shutting off the part of me that was screaming that this was a mistake.
“
You were right.”
Those three words stilled me as I was tugging my shirt back in place. I took a shaky breath before I finished dressing and turned to face Tony where he lay in the bed. “I thought you were asleep.”
“I know.” He sighed, sitting up and resting his arms on his knees as I slipped on my shoes. “You were right.”
I didn’t want to ask because I knew what he was going to say. “I’m always right.” My voice was supposed to come out playful, but it sounded just as defeated as I felt. I leaned against the wall by the door, taking a deep breath. “You want more.”
“I thought…” he scrubbed both hands over his face, “I thought I could keep doing this but I was laying here and you started getting ready to leave. I want you to stay.”
“I won’t stay. Not now, not in another year, not in ten.” I dropped my head back to the wall, looking up at the ceiling. “That’s not who I am.”
“It could be. If you—”
“It won’t be. I’m not changing,” I said firmly. “I told you from the beginning that this was only about sex. It was supposed to be fun.”
“And it is fun. It has been. Have you ever stopped to think about how much better it could be if—”
“No,” I cut him off again, shaking my head as I pushed off the wall. “My answer is no.”
He nodded, clenching his jaw in an obvious attempt to keep from saying anything else.
I turned, not sure what else to say. There really wasn’t anything left. Heading toward the living room, my only plan was of escape. The original idea I’d had hours ago was coming back to me now. Get away. Walk to a public place and wait for a cab.
“Hey.” Tony’s voice sounded rough behind me. I didn’t want to turn around but he deserved closure. He deserved a goodbye if that’s what he was after. I swallowed and turned toward him, letting my eyes linger on the colorful skin of his torso. Almost every inch of his upper body had ink and I’d spent the last two years or so slowly memorizing each individual tattoo. He stepped closer, his hand coming out as he gently lifted my chin to meet my eyes. “Give me a minute to get dressed and I’ll take you home. I don’t want you to take a cab this late.”
I nodded, moving back to put distance between us and gently breaking away from his touch. He sighed and headed back to his bedroom while I gathered my things. The silence between us felt loaded with all the unspoken words as he drove across town, but I couldn’t risk speaking. If I opened my mouth, it might betray what my mind knew was the right thing. This is what needed to happen. Tony and I had gotten too close and too comfortable. It had to end.
When we pulled up to the house, I leaned over to kiss his cheek, allowing myself that final moment before grabbing my bag from the floorboard. “Thank you,” I whispered, not quite ready to open the door and officially move on. It was almost a full minute before I realized he wasn’t going to respond. I took a deep breath, not glancing back at him for fear of what I might see. Instead, I opened the door and stepped out, doing everything I could to remind myself that feeling empty was ridiculous.
It was only ever about sex.
I hadn’t seen much of Lili in the last two days and I was beginning to think she was avoiding me. Since the night she’d snuck out of the bar, she’d been scarce, working more than usual, or so she said. I was surprised to find her in the living room when I got home two days before Christmas.
She was curled up against the arm of the couch, a blanket wrapped around her and a mug of something, coffee maybe, between her hands. She was staring blankly at the TV and let out a sigh when I took the spot beside her.
“Hey,” I said, testing the waters. Something was bothering her, that much was clear. She inclined her head in acknowledgement of my greeting but didn’t look at me. “So, the way this whole friendship thing works is, when something’s bothering you, you don’t have to take it all on yourself. You open your mouth, let words come out, and your friends help you handle it.”
Her eyes slid sideways as she looked at me but she didn’t smile. “This isn’t exactly the kind of thing you want to get roped into helping with. Thanks, though.”
“That’s not fair. When have I ever done something to make you think I wouldn’t help you, no matter what the problem is?” I frowned. “I’m worried about you. You’ve been acting weird and avoiding everyone, don’t think I haven’t noticed. Come on, talk to me, Pixie.” I nudged her arm, hoping she would loosen up. I’d never seen her like this.
She sighed. “You want to help me? Explain why men are such selfish assholes.” She leaned her head against the back of the couch as she shifted to face me. I took in her features, the dark circles under her eyes, the tightness around them. She didn’t look like she’d been feeling well or sleeping.
“Um, because we all think with our dicks?” I answered, not sure what else to say. I didn’t know what her comment meant. We were, for the most part, selfish assholes. God knows I was. I couldn’t really give an answer as to why, though.
She laughed but the sound was derisive as she shook her head. “As insightful as that was, I think I’m going to bed.” She started to stand and I reached out, grabbing her arm.
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I just don’t really know how to answer that,” I said, watching as she rolled her neck. It was then that I caught the smell of what was in her cup. Tea. Herbal, of some kind. I tried to think back, but off the top of my head, I’d never known Lili to drink hot tea. A horrible realization started forming in my mind and I hoped, for her sake, I was wrong. “Are you pregnant?”
She froze, her face turned away from me. “Why would you ask
me that?” Her words came out in just above a whisper.
I sighed. “You’re not alone in this, Pixie—”
“Don’t,” she laughed, shaking her head sadly. “Don’t make some big declaration to me because you think it’s the right thing to do.”
“What makes you think that’s what I’m doing?” I asked, feeling guilty. That was exactly what I was doing. I cared about Lili; she was one of the only people left in the world that meant something to me, but what would I honestly do if she were pregnant? I would be her friend. I would support her and help her out in any way I could.
“Because I know you. You don’t even…” she trailed off and shook her head.
“Is it his?” I asked pointedly, wondering if she would answer. We didn’t really talk about him if she could help it. In fact, she’d made a point of making sure I never even met him.
“I’m not pregnant.” Her voice came out flat but I didn’t miss the flinch at the mention of him. She stood before I could stop her, letting the blanket fall back on the couch. “Look, I appreciate the chance to talk but—”
“But you’re going to blow me off, assume that whatever your problem is, I couldn’t possibly understand or help.” I cut her off, nodding. “Fine. I get it, okay? Just stop thinking you have to take on everything by yourself. Believe it or not, there are people here who care about you. It doesn’t have to be you against the world anymore.”
She dropped the mug onto the coffee table hard enough that I was sure it was going to break. Covering her face with her hands, she let out a frustrated growl. “You really want to know what my problem is?” She dropped her hands, turning to face me from the other side of the table. “He ended our arrangement because he wanted more than just sex and I didn’t. We had a deal. It was just sex, nothing more. But he had to go and start trying to…” She huffed, dropping into the recliner across from me like just talking about it was exhausting her. “We had a deal,” she repeated.
I watched her as she avoided my eyes, her face on the TV again. She was clearly upset by this. “Have you thought about—”
“No,” she cut me off, shaking her head slowly.
“You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
She turned to face me, her eyes hard. “Have I thought about giving him a chance? Have I thought about trying it out to see what would happen? Have I thought about the price of rice in China? It doesn’t matter, the answer is no.” She blew out a heavy breath. “Have you ever wanted more with any of your fuck buddies? I know you’ve had a few. Things have always ended. It’s not a big deal. I’m just… frustrated.”
“I haven’t wanted more with any of them, but I’ve also never cared when things ended. You obviously do, which tells me there might be more there than just sex,” I answered honestly. I’d never been upset like she was when any of my short-term partners ended things.
“I don’t do more,” she said flatly. “I don’t do the whole lovey-dovey bullshit and you know that.”
“But, why? Have you ever?” She pinned me with an expression that told me I’d overstepped the line. I’d known asking was a crapshoot. She’d either talk or she wouldn’t, and right now, it seemed the answer was no. “Look, I don’t blame you. I don’t do love either but, honestly, as upset as you are, it seems more like a break-up than just calling off an arrangement for sex. You really should at least think about what you’re feeling.”
“Thank you, Doctor Phil,” she said, irritation still clear in her tone. “I’ll keep that in mind.” She stood, snatching the mug off coffee table. “By the way, there’s Rum in this tea, if you needed more proof that I’m not pregnant.”
I laughed and shook my head, causing her to smirk as she headed out of the room.
It was an odd feeling sitting at a bar and not looking to get laid. That wasn’t why I was here. I’d gone home after my shift tonight, thinking it wouldn’t matter that it was Christmas Eve and I didn’t get to tuck Conner in. It had only taken an hour for me to realize how wrong I was. It did matter. It was killing me. I was picking him up after my shift tomorrow but I wouldn’t get to see his face when he woke up to see his presents from Santa.
I’d missed Christmas morning before. Unfortunately, that was just a side effect of working in an industry that never stopped, but this was different. For starters, he was getting to that age where he understood Christmas. Last year, I’d been lucky. I’d drawn an afternoon shift on Christmas so I could be with him in the morning; this year, I was early. Before, we could hold off on gifts until I got home, but now, even if I were there with him tonight, I’d miss his face in the morning.
Even worse was that I was still a sucker. I’d sent some of my bigger gifts to Lizzie’s house so he could have them from Santa. It wasn’t that I wanted the recognition, but I wouldn’t even get to see his reaction. Next year. Next year, he would be with me Christmas morning and I’d do everything I could to make sure I was there. We would have a blast. But then, the following year, I’d go through this again.
I wasn’t sure if there was an emptier feeling in the world than not being with your child on Christmas morning. Except, perhaps, the determination it takes to make it through the night without caving like I did last year. It wasn’t like Lizzie didn’t offer, but the last few times Adam and I ran into each other, he’d been antagonistic. The huge fight Lizzie and I had a few weeks ago stemmed from Adam’s most recent threat to have my parental rights removed. I’m not sure if he could, but just the threat is enough to make me back down.
“Hey.” A bar towel landed on top of my crossed arms and I glanced up at Nikki. “Why so glum?”
“Just missing my son and feeling sorry for myself,” I said, shaking my head and forcing a smile as I tossed the towel back at her.
“Well, stop. You’re being a real party-pooper. It’s a distraction from all the poor saps that are here getting drunk like creepers on Christmas Eve.”
I glanced down at the half-empty glass in front of me, having lost count of how many times it had been refilled throughout the evening. “Creepers, huh?”
“Yeah. Creepers.” She started making another drink as she spoke. “You know, everyone thinks they’ve got it bad around the holidays. I mean, people do it all year round, but especially around the holidays. Divorces, deaths, losing your job, or your house — no matter what it is, people always think their life sucks. That’s not really the outlook you’re supposed to have.”
“It’s not?” I asked, chuckling as she scowled at my mock surprise. “Okay, Ms. Glass-half-full, what is the proper outlook?”
“Fuck that. If the glass is only half-full, pour more liquor. That’s the proper outlook.” Nikki slid the fresh drink in front of me. “But maybe that’s just the bartender in me talking.”
I laughed loudly. “Wow. Well, that’s an outlook I can definitely get on board with,” I said as I finished the drink I’d been working on like it was a shot. “But you didn’t really answer my question.”
Her eyes wide, she shook her head as she removed the now empty glass. “No. I guess I didn’t. Honestly, you’re alive. You’re healthy. You have a beautiful kid and I know he’s the reason you’re hurting, but look on the bright side, he’s not going to remember this.”
“That’s not the point,” I started, but sighed when she got called away. They weren’t as busy as I thought they’d be, but they were busy enough.
As the night progressed, I ignored the advances of several women. Not because they weren’t hot, I really just didn’t want anyone tonight. I wanted the alcohol. Lili came by to check on me and between her and Nikki, my glass stayed full, which helped my mind slowly empty.
“Are you sure you can handle him?” Nikki asked, eyeing Zane where he leaned against the bar. He was drunk. Very drunk. He’d had more tonight than I’d ever seen him drink when we’d been out, but I couldn’t vouch for the times he’d come home drunk before.
“What do you mean? He’s drunk but he’s still Zane. He’s come home this way eno
ugh times for me to know how to take care of it,” I said, shaking my head as I finished restocking the bar. Shannon had let him hang out to wait for me so he wouldn’t have to catch a cab alone. I wasn’t sure he was going to last much longer, though. He was either going to vomit or pass out — possibly both.
“I just meant, if he gets frisky,” she purred the word, raising an eyebrow at me. “Can you handle him?”
“Oh my God. Would you stop?” I groaned, clearing off the last of the bar. I was so ready to get out of here and away from Nikki’s suggestive comments about the things I could do to take Zane’s mind off missing Conner.
“Seriously, though.” She stopped me, putting a hand on my arm. “People are never more honest than when they’re drunk. If he tries something, keep that in mind.”
“Seriously, though,” I repeated, leaning closer to her. “People are usually horny when they’re drunk. Especially when they go out and drink to find a new lay. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Whatever. You really think you’d be able to deny the Hotness Monster, but I know better,” she said as she grabbed her jacket. “Bye, sexy,” she called to Zane, but he didn’t even look up as he waved.
He was staring down at his lap. As I tugged on my jacket and headed toward him, I noticed it was his phone that held his attention. “Ready?” I asked when he didn’t make a move to acknowledge my approach.
“He’s a prick. And she’s a fucking…” he trailed off, still staring at the screen.
“Okay, well, let’s go home and you can sleep,” I said, grabbing his elbow to steady him as he swayed. “Come on, I’ll get us a cab.”
“I drove.”
Pausing us as we walked toward the door, I turned to face him. “You drove? Seriously? You knew you were going to be drinking.”
“I didn’t realize I was going to drink this much,” he laughed through the words. Whether it was at the fact that he was drunk or at my pissed off expression, I didn’t know.
