Tales of a Sibby Slicker

by Samantha Garman

  He nodded. “It smells great.”

  I served him a piece of salmon, asparagus, and potatoes. Aidan pulled out a kitchen chair and sat, placing the napkin in his lap.

  “So you’re going to publish it yourself.”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you have a plan?”

  I grinned. “Not even a little bit. I have no idea!”

  “And yet you seem remarkably happy about it,” he pointed out with a smile of his own. He picked up his fork and took a bite of salmon. “This is good, Sibby.”

  “Thanks—and I guess that’s not really true. I do have some ideas of what to do. Stacy’s gonna help me.”

  “Who would’ve thought that the girl who outed your pregnancy would also be your new PR agent?”

  I shook my head and shrugged. “Jasper. Come here.” I cut off a small piece of salmon, made sure it was cool enough, and then put it in his doggie bowl. He wolfed it down like a beast that was starving. Which so wasn’t the case. Jasper was the most spoiled dog in the world, I was sure of it.

  “Not me,” I said, picking up the thread of conversation again. “But honestly, I really like her. She’s oddly…put together.”

  “If you say so.”

  “You don’t like her.”

  “I don’t even know her. My first experience with her? She took a special moment from us, Sibby. Your Mom is never gonna forgive me.”

  “You? It wasn’t your fault.”

  He shrugged. “Like she’d really blame you.”

  “Is that why you sucked up to her when she came here? You were trying to make good?”

  “Why are we talking about your mother?”

  “I don’t know. This was supposed to be a celebration of my achievement. Why are we fighting?”

  Aidan set his fork down and let out a sigh. “I don’t know. I just—I’m protective of you. And Stacy…” He shook his head.

  “I made my peace with it,” I said quietly. “Why haven’t you?”

  “Because I’m an introvert and you—you put it all on social media. You’re even cataloguing your pregnancy journey.”

  I set my hands on the table and narrowed my gaze. “Where is all this coming from?”

  Chapter 23

  #girdyourloins #gentlemenlendmeyourshields

  The buzzer sounded, interrupting whatever Aidan was going to say. Jasper ran to the door to greet whoever was downstairs. Aidan made a move to get up, but I waved him to stay seated.

  I pressed the intercom. “Who is it?”

  “Annie.”

  Releasing the intercom button, I sighed. She couldn’t have come at a worse time. I was about to tell her that Aidan had a bad stomach bug (because always use the husband as an excuse), but she fired off, “I’m about to flip my lid, and I need someone to talk to.”

  “Let her up,” Aidan said.

  I turned to look at him over my shoulder. I hadn’t even heard him get up. “But what about our fight?”

  He rolled his eyes. “We weren’t having a fight. We were having a discussion. I’m an introvert, you’re not. It’s weird for me that you put our lives on social media, but I’ll get over it because it makes you happy to make other people laugh. Discussion over. Now buzz her in.”

  “I won the husband lotto.” I leaned up to press a quick kiss to his lips and then buzzed Annie in. Two minutes later, she stood in the living room, out of breath and red in the face.

  “My mother’s getting remarried,” she blurted out.

  I frowned. “Isn’t she still married to your father?”

  Annie threw up her hands. “Technically. But apparently, as soon as the ink dries on the divorce papers, she’s marrying Carl.”

  “That seems…fast. Who’s Carl?”

  “Her tennis instructor. And they’ve been having an affair for the past two years.” Annie sank down onto the futon. Jasper hopped up, bumped his nose against Annie’s hand. She absently reached out to pet him.

  I looked at Aidan. He grimaced and shrugged. Neither of us knew what to say.

  “Did she call and tell you this?” I asked.

  Annie let out a laugh. “My father. My father called me after one too many Old Fashioneds and spilled the beans. God, and I thought I was bitter. He’s wrecked.” She looked up at Aidan. “Got anything to drink in this place?”

  “May I offer you a pomegranate spritzer?” Aidan asked.

  She blinked. “A what?”

  “No alcohol, but high in antioxidants!” I said with a forced smile.

  Annie put her head into her hands and moaned. “This is a nightmare. My mom is a total wanker, and now my best friends can’t even drink to commiserate with me.”

  “I’ve been off the sauce for a few weeks, and I feel so much better,” Aidan threw out. “Sleeping better, waking up easier—”

  “Shut up, Aidan,” Annie and I both said to him.

  “I’m going to go watch sports in the bedroom,” he muttered. He sent me a lovey-dovey look and then disappeared into the bedroom.

  “You guys are nauseating—or that might’ve been the bourbon I had earlier.”

  “You drank bourbon?” I asked in shock. Holy hell, she never drank bourbon unless things were really bad. Bourbon made Annie want to fight.

  “Sometimes the situation calls for bourbon.”

  “Let me get you some water. Okay?”

  “It’s just so fucking cliché, right?” Annie called as I filled up a glass. “Like really? Tennis instructor? Could she be Imore of a WASP?”

  “You guys are Episcopalian,” I reminded her.

  She took the water and drank half of it in one go. “Thanks,” she said. Setting the glass down on the coaster, she sighed. “When are you getting a new couch?”

  “When we’re sure Jasper will no longer punish us when we leave him alone.”

  “Futons are so college. We’re done with that.”

  “Says the girl who wants to drink her feelings,” I pointed out.

  She moaned and closed her eyes. “You’re right. Damn it. Just when I think I’ve broken all my old patterns of bad behavior, I fall back into them.”

  “Bad patterns don’t break because you tell them to. Annnnnd, you have a habit of acting before you think.”

  “You sound just like my therapist.”

  “Therapist? Since when are you seeing a therapist?”

  “Did I say therapist? I meant bartender.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Drink more water.”

  Just as Annie picked up the glass, the buzzer sounded again. I frowned. “Did you order Chinese to our place or something?”

  She shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that.”

  “You did it two weeks ago,” I reminded her. “And you arrived after the delivery guy.”

  “My apartment is lonely.”

  “Way to lay on the Episcopalian guilt.”

  “It’s got nothing on Jewish guilt,” she fired back.

  “Truth.”

  The buzzer sounded again.

  “Who’s at the door?” Aidan called from the bedroom.

  “No idea,” I called back, heading for the buzzer. I pressed the intercom. “Who is it?”

  “Caleb.”

  I glanced at Annie as I replied, “Thought you were at the bar.”

  “Swapped last minute with another bartender. I’m taking you up on your offer for dinner. Oh! Door’s open. See you in a sec!”

  The intercom went silent. My finger slowly fell from the button. I looked at Annie again.

  “I’m fine,” she said.

  “You just found out your mom is having an affair.” I paused. “And more importantly, you’ve had bourbon.”

  She inhaled a deep breath. “I’ll keep it together. Promise.”

  “Aidan!” I shouted, sending Annie a worried look. “Caleb’s here!”

  “Uh, is Annie still here?”

  “Yes.”

  “This is gonna be really bad.”

  “She says she’s fine.”

 
“I love how you guys talk about me like I’m not here,” she pointed out.

  I raised an eyebrow but didn’t reply. There was a knock on the door. I sent up a silent prayer to Moses. I hoped we all survived.

  “Hey,” Caleb said when I opened the door. “Sorry to just drop by.”

  Jasper hopped down from next to Annie to greet Caleb. Caleb crouched down to give Jasper some love.

  “It’s okay,” I said, looking over my shoulder, glad to see Aidan coming out of the bedroom. “It seems to be the theme of the night.”

  “What do you mean?” Caleb asked, completely enthralled with Jasper.

  “She means I did the same thing,” Annie replied.

  Caleb froze when he heard Annie’s voice.

  “Hey, Caleb,” she said softly, rising from her spot on the futon.

  He lifted his head to meet her gaze. “Hey.”

  I felt Aidan come up behind me. He rested a hand on my shoulder, and I backed into the warmth of his body. I looked up at him, but Aidan’s gaze was on his best friend.

  “I brought dessert,” Caleb said. He gave Jasper one last pat on the head and then stood. “Here.” He thrust a bakery bag into my hands.

  We all stood in silence, the tension mounting. Jasper sniffed the bakery bag, and I hauled it closer to my chest.

  “I really wish you guys had alcohol,” Annie stated.

  “Right?” Caleb agreed with an awkward laugh. “So, listen, I’ll go—”

  “No, you stay,” Annie shot out. “I’ll go.”

  “No, you were here first, I’ll—”

  “It’s okay. I’ve got laundry—”

  “Maybe we should go?” I whispered to Aidan.

  “It’s our apartment,” he whispered back. “And if we leave, they might get into a fist fight.”

  “Or have sex on our futon.”

  “I’m not giving them the opportunity to defile it.”

  “So we stand our ground,” I stated. I let out a sigh. “I wish I’d prayed to Mary instead of Moses. I think Mary might’ve had more clout in this situation.”

  “Let’s pray to all of them and cover our butts.”

  “Who wants ice cream!” I bellowed like a camp counselor.

  Annie shook her head. Caleb didn’t reply.

  “Uh. Okay. Aidan, find a game we can all play. How about Taboo or something?”

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked through the side of his mouth.

  Annie and Caleb were acting like two dogs at a dog park. Sort of sniffing around each other, checking out if the other one was rabid. Jasper had gone to his doggie bed in the corner of the room, head resting on his paws, eyes bouncing back and forth.

  I wondered if dogs thought people were insane.

  I thought people were insane.

  “Oh, God.” I pressed a hand to my mouth.

  “Hold it together, soldier,” Aidan whispered. “Don’t leave me alone with these two. They’re eye fucking each other, and it’s disgusting.”

  “Can’t!” I ran to the bathroom and got my dose of evening sickness. A few minutes later, red-faced but otherwise unharmed, I came back.

  The Pictionary easel had been set up—guess Taboo wasn’t happening—and Annie was standing with a marker in her hand. “You okay?” she asked.

  I nodded. “I’m never eating salmon again.”

  She crinkled her nose. “And now I’m never eating it again either, thanks.”

  Caleb let out a laugh but stopped when Annie looked at him with a knowing grin. Their faces closed off when they both appeared to realize they still remembered the intimacy of being a couple but were no longer one.

  Why were we doing this? Subjecting ourselves to awkwardness when it would’ve been easier if Annie and Caleb both left.

  “Boys against girls?” Aidan voiced.

  “Okay,” Caleb said.

  I shrugged and took a seat on the futon next to Aidan. Caleb was in the chair, arms resting on his knees. The only one not uncomfortable was Jasper who had since fallen asleep and was now on his back, legs spread, showing his goods to the world.

  “I’ll go first?” Annie asked.

  Aidan nodded. “Yeah.”

  Taking a deep breath, Annie drew a card. She blanched and then tried to stick the card underneath the pile.

  “Hey, that’s cheating,” Caleb stated. “You have to draw that card.”

  “Okay,” she said, voice low and quiet. She uncapped the marker and Aidan flipped the timer. Annie turned to the easel. She pressed the marker to the paper and drew.

  “Moon?” I called out just to fill the silence.

  She shook her head and kept drawing. A moment later, she finished, her eyes aimed down to the floor. Annie had drawn two halves of a heart with jagged lines. She’d drawn a broken heart.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Caleb muttered.

  “I tried to pick another card,” she stated. “But you called me a cheater.”

  “You are a cheater!”

  “I’m not a cheater!” she yelled back. “I never cheated on you!”

  Caleb jumped up from the chair. “You would’ve if you’d had just one more shot of vodka!”

  “That was a low blow!”

  “You know what’s a low blow? Letting me propose four times!”

  She put her hands on her hips. “Yeah, because I held a fucking gun to your head!”

  I looked at Aidan, and we slowly backed out of the living room. “What should we do?” I said in my normal tone of voice. Caleb and Annie were still yelling at each other, so they didn’t even pay us any attention.

  “Leave,” Aidan said with a grimace.

  “You never even apologized for how you treated me!” Caleb shouted.

  “I absolutely did!”

  “No, you looked beaten and defeated and made our breakup all about you, when it was about the both of us!”

  “Annnnnd, this is about to get nasty,” I said. “Let’s take Jasper and get the hell out of here!”

  I grabbed Jasper’s plaid sweater, which rested on the table by the front door, and softly whistled for him. He got up, stretched, and then cocked his head to the side when he looked at Caleb and Annie yelling at each other.

  Aidan patted his thigh and Jasper lunged toward us. I got him into his sweater and then snapped his leash onto his collar, and then we were out the door. I doubted Annie and Caleb even heard us leave.

  “This is exploding in a big way.” Aidan grimaced and shrugged into his coat.

  “Let’s just hope it doesn’t explode on our futon.”

  Chapter 24

  #changechangechange

  We went to our favorite neighborhood German beer hall. It was chilly out, so most people were inside by the wood burning fire. But because we had Jasper, who was decked out it in his plaid sweater, we had the outside to ourselves.

  I’d given Aidan a pass to get a beer, but he’d remained steadfast. We were both drinking water and enjoying each other’s company.

  Aidan grinned. “Another bratwurst?”

  I shook my head and leaned back. “Nope. Three’s my limit.”

  “When do you think we can go home?” he asked, reaching down to pet Jasper’s head, which was resting in his lap.

  I pushed away the empty plate and reached for my water. “When either one texts that the smoke from the cannons has cleared.”

  “They’re totally having sex right now.”

  “Yeah, they are,” I agreed. “All I want is my bed.”

  “Speaking of bed… Is now a good time to talk about the nursery.”

  “The nursery,” I repeated.

  “For Pierogi.”

  “Well, of course for Pierogi.” I rolled my eyes. “Who else would need the nursery? What about a crib in our bedroom.”

  “We also need a changing table. And a diaper genie, and—”

  “A diaper what?”

  “Genie.” He plucked a lone French fry from my plate and stuck it in his mouth. He chewe
d quickly and swallowed before explaining. “My sister swears by it.”

  “Okay. But babies are small for like the first year of their lives. We can get away with the crib in our room.”

  “Or we could convert your office into a nursery.”

  I swore I heard the sound of a bomb detonating in my brain.

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No, I’m not kidding.”

  “Where does my office go?” I demanded.

  “We could put your desk in the living room,” he suggested. “Get you one of those desks that has tons of storage and built-in bookcases.

  I sighed. “The curse of living in an apartment.”

  “We could move.”

  “We just moved—and where would we move?”

  “We could buy a place in the city,” he suggested.

  “Not feasible. Especially since you want a place upstate.”

  Aidan said nothing but stared at me with blue eyes. He waited. And waited.

  I sighed again. “Guess my office is being moved to the living room.”

  “Ah, fuck,” he muttered.

  “What?”

  “You’re unhappy again.”

  “No,” I assured. “Unhappy isn’t the right word. But, I’m just—the changes. They keep coming.”

  He reached across the table to grasp my hand. “The changes are never gonna stop. Not now. Not with Pierogi on the way.”

  My jaw dropped. “Oh, God.”

  “What is it?” Aidan got up and immediately came to my side. “Are you feeling okay?”

  I grasped the lapels of his coat. “Pierogi’s gonna turn into a—a teenager!

  Aidan smiled. “Yeah.”

  “He or she is gonna have hormones, and what if it wants a motorcycle and dyes its hair blue?”

  “We can’t do much about the hormones,” Aidan said. “But I do think we have some say in the motorcycle thing. And even though I’m not a fan of blue hair, at least it’s not permanent.”

  “I want to find out the sex,” I demanded. “As soon as Pierogi has the parts, I want to know the sex. I gotta know what I’m dealing with.”

  Aidan kissed my nose. “We’ll find out the sex.”

  My phone vibrated in my pocket. “The angry exes have left the building.”