by Sarah Morgan
As the tears dripped onto her hand she almost laughed at herself. She was miserable. Horribly miserable. She wouldn’t have to act at all. She just needed to not tell him the real reason. For once in her life she had to keep her thoughts locked inside her.
Hayley spread icing on the top of the cup cakes and watched with a lump in her throat as Posy carefully pressed a chocolate button into the centre of each one.
‘That’s great, Posy,’ she said huskily, leaning forwards and hugging the little girl tightly. Her blonde curls smelled of shampoo and the thought of leaving her hurt Hayley almost as much as the thought of leaving Patrick.
‘Yum.’ Alfie reached out a hand and stole a cake. ‘Just one more.’ He took a large bite out of the cake and stole a look at Hayley. ‘Aren’t you going to tell me off? Normally you only let me eat one before tea. You’re not acting like yourself.’
She wasn’t acting like herself? Obviously she needed to concentrate harder on what she’d usually do. If she wasn’t even able to fool the children, how was she going to manage with Patrick?
Before she had time to consider that challenge, she heard his key in the door and dipped her head, pretending to help Posy with the cakes, panic racing through her. He was home really early, which was just going to make the evening longer.
She hoped that for once in her life everything she was feeling wasn’t written all over her face.
‘Hayley, I’ve been trying to catch up with you all day.’ Patrick slung his coat over the back of the chair and strode across to her. ‘Where were you?’
‘All over the place. In clinic, then on the labour ward.’ Implying that her day had been one mad rush, Hayley smiled at him briefly and then turned her attention back to the chocolate buttons. Never had she paid so much attention to decorating a cake. ‘You must have just missed me. How was your theatre list? Any dramas?’ Did she sound normal? Was she doing OK?
‘No dramas.’ Patrick kissed Posy on the head, his eyes still on Hayley. ‘Are you feeling all right? Maggie said you weren’t too good earlier.’
‘She’s definitely not herself,’ Alfie said firmly, ‘because I’ve eaten five cakes and she hasn’t even noticed.’
Hayley bit back a gasp of horror. Five? He’d eaten five? ‘I assumed you must be hungry,’ she said calmly, desperately hoping he wasn’t going to be sick. ‘And dinner won’t be ready for another twenty minutes. Anyway, you’re old enough to judge whether or not you’re going to spoil your appetite.’
‘I’m only a day older than yesterday,’ Alfie said with faultless logic, ‘and you didn’t think I was old enough to judge then.’
‘Well, I’m not going to be around for much longer,’ Hayley said brightly, ‘so it’s good for you to learn not to eat too many cakes in one go.’
Her words were greeted by a stunned silence.
‘Wh-what do you mean?’ Alfie gaped at her in horror. ‘What do you mean you’re not going to be around for much longer? Why not? Where are you going?’
‘You advertised for a housekeeper for two weeks over Christmas and New Year.’ Hayley started to put the cakes carefully into the tin. ‘The two weeks is up in a few days’ time.’
‘But that was before we knew you. Now you’re here, we don’t want you to leave after two weeks. We want you to stay for ever!’ Alfie was frantic. ‘Tell her, Dad! Tell her we want her to stay for ever.’
Hayley knew she ought to speak but the lump in her throat was so huge she knew she was going to embarrass herself.
‘We’d like her to stay,’ Patrick said carefully. ‘Of course we would. She knows that.’ His eyes were on her face and Hayley dug her nails into the palms of her hands, wishing she’d come up with a more solid plan for dealing with their protests. But she honestly hadn’t known the children would care so much. And as for Patrick…
He wouldn’t want her to stay if he knew the truth.
‘It’s been fantastic.’ Somehow she managed to form the words. ‘Really—the best Christmas ever. But it was only ever temporary. And so is the work on the unit. I need to get myself a proper job. And I need to visit my family.’
‘But your family are mean to you. That’s why you didn’t want to go there for Christmas.’ Alfie was appalled. ‘Why would you want to visit them?’
‘Well…’ Oh, why on earth hadn’t she thought this through? ‘Nobody’s family is perfect. Now Christmas is over, I ought to see them.’
‘You can go and see them and then come straight back.’ Alfie looked at his father. ‘Dad?’
Patrick stirred. ‘Hayley is free to do whatever she wants to do,’ he said gruffly, and Alfie gave a choked sob, flung his cake onto the floor and stormed out of the room.
As always, Posy followed, dragging her velvet comforter behind her. ‘Alfie sad.’
Hayley stood up immediately, intending to follow, but Patrick took her arm.
‘Wait. What’s this all about? Why would you want to leave?’
She gave a tiny shrug. ‘It was only ever for two weeks and, let’s face it, you didn’t even want that! It was Alfie’s advert.’
‘Alfie’s advert ceased to be an issue a long time ago. Hayley.’ He frowned down at her. ‘Tell me what’s wrong. Has someone upset you?’
‘Gosh, no!’ She winced as she heard her falsely bright tone. She wasn’t even fooling herself, so how did she hope to fool him? ‘Why would you think that? Who could possibly have upset me? Everyone is great. No, I just think it’s time to move on. It’s been fantastic, Patrick. A fantastic Christmas. This barn is just the perfect place, it’s just been—’
‘Fantastic. Yes, I got that. You’ve said it three times already. What I really want to hear is all the things you’re not saying.’ Patrick’s mouth tightened and his eyes were suddenly searching. ‘Is this about us?’
‘Us?’ How was she supposed to respond to that? OK, so definitely not like Hayley. She tried to work out what a twenty-first-century woman would say. What would Diane, her stepsister, say? ‘It was fun while it lasted, Patrick. But we both knew it wasn’t practical in the long term. We both have our own lives to lead. You have the children.’
‘I thought you liked the children.’ Patrick’s tone was cautious. ‘I was under the impression you liked them quite a lot.’
‘They’re gorgeous!’ Rubbish answer, Hayley, she thought to herself. You’re thinking like yourself, not like Diane. With a huge effort she forced herself to say words that were so alien it was almost impossible to voice them. ‘But I don’t know how you do it, Patrick. I mean, you have no time to yourself. No time to chill out. They’re always there!’
And she loved that. She really loved that.
‘Yes.’ His voice was strangely flat and he released her suddenly. ‘They are always there.’
‘And I suppose I’m just used to being single. Needing my space.’ Oh, God, she was useless at this. Utterly useless. And she needed to get out of here before she blew it totally. ‘Well, anyway, talking of space—I must go and take a bath. A long soaky bath. It’s been a long day.’
His gaze didn’t shift from her face and Hayley was suddenly terrified that she had Pregnant written on her forehead.
He was an obstetrician, for goodness’ sake, and a skilled one at that. What if he could diagnose pregnancy from a distance?
Why didn’t he say something?
She carried on babbling. ‘I might not join you this evening if you don’t mind.’ For a start, she wasn’t sure she could make it through the evening without sobbing, and on top of that she needed to start acting like a woman who found children a bit much. ‘I’m in the middle of a really good book. I might just sprawl on the bed—you know, veg out, generally relax and do nothing.’
Still he didn’t respond and still his gaze didn’t shift from her face. It was as if he was looking for something.
‘The casserole should be ready by now and I did baked potatoes.’ Her voice tailed off under the intensity of his blue gaze. ‘So, I’ll say goodnight, then, just in
case I don’t see you later.’
She slunk towards the door, heard Alfie crying and fought a desperate urge to go to him. How could she go to him when she’d just claimed that she wanted a child-free evening? But the fact that she couldn’t comfort the little boy—the fact that she was the cause of his tears—made everything even worse.
She was doing it for them, Hayley reminded herself miserably when she eventually slid into the bath and let the tears fall freely.
She was doing it for them.
In the long run, it would be better.
CHAPTER NINE
‘SHE’S leaving? Why would she leave? What did you do to her?’ Maggie stood in front of Patrick’s desk like a sergeant major in a court-martial.
‘Maggie.’ He dragged his gaze from the computer screen. ‘I don’t have time for this now.’
‘Then make time, Patrick Buchannan, because if you let that girl leave this unit, I swear I’ll resign too!’
Patrick sighed. ‘I know she’s a good midwife, but I can’t force her to take a job here.’
‘But she’s leaving because of you! And I want to know why!’
‘I don’t know why!’ Exploding with tension and frustration, Patrick rose to his feet and paced to the far end of his office. ‘Damn it, Maggie, I don’t know why!’
Maggie looked startled. ‘You don’t? I assumed—’
‘You assumed what? That we’d had a row?’ Patrick gave a bitter laugh and turned to stare out of the window. The day was bleak and cold and totally in keeping with his current mood. ‘I wish we had had a row. At least then I would have known what it was about. But this is—’
‘Something happened yesterday in the clinic.’ Maggie sat down in Patrick’s chair, a frown on her face. ‘She came bouncing in, told me that she was in love with you and then she—’
‘Wait a minute.’ Patrick turned, his gaze sharp. ‘She told you she was in love with me?’
‘Yes. Well, virtually. Yes, definitely. Patrick, she’s crazy about you. Surely you don’t need me to tell you that.’
Patrick considered the evidence. ‘Up until last night I would have agreed with you, but…’he shook his head ‘…she virtually said she’d had enough of living her life around the children. That it was a massive sacrifice.’
‘Hayley adores children,’ Maggie scoffed, ‘and she especially adores yours. She talks about nothing else. All day we have to listen to tales of what Posy has drawn and the funny things Alfie has said. She’s worse than you are.’
‘Thanks,’ Patrick said dryly, and Maggie grinned.
‘No offence meant. But what I’m saying is that Hayley is as crazy about your children as she is about you.’
‘Maybe, but that doesn’t mean that living with them constantly isn’t a strain. They’re full on, Maggie. They’re all over her. In her bed, wrapped around her in the evenings—she can’t even go to the bathroom without Posy banging on the door.’ Patrick sighed. ‘Last night Alfie was crying and she didn’t go to him.’
Maggie looked startled. ‘She let him cry?’
‘Well…’ Patrick ran his hand over the back of his neck ‘…she left the room. Said she needed a bath or something. Wanted to read her book.’
‘In other words, she couldn’t bear to hear him crying and not comfort him.’ Maggie folded her arms. ‘If you ask me, Hayley thinks she has to leave and she’s doing everything she can to make it seem as though she wants to.’
‘What?’ Patrick was totally confused. ‘Is that female logic? Because if so, could it please come with a translation? I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘For an incredibly intelligent man, you can be very dim.’ Maggie stood up and walked across the room until she was standing in front of him. ‘Hayley is in love with you. That is a fact. I know you haven’t known each other very long, I know it’s all been a bit whirlwind, but she is definitely in love with you. She is also in love with your children. If she’s talking about leaving then it’s because something has happened.’ She frowned. ‘Or maybe because something hasn’t happened. Did you propose to her?’
‘Of course I didn’t propose to her!’ Patrick looked at his colleague in incredulous disbelief. ‘Maggie, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.’
‘Well, you obviously weren’t getting anywhere by yourself. Could that be the problem? Have you told her that you love her?’
‘I—No, I haven’t because I don’t even know that I…’ Patrick rubbed his fingers across his forehead. ‘Maggie, I’ve been married before—’
‘To a woman you didn’t love. And that was entirely different.’
‘I’ve only known Hayley for a few weeks.’
‘And in that time you have more feeling for her than you ever did for your wife.’
Stunned, Patrick let his hand drop. ‘How do you know that?’
‘Because Christmas is a bad time of year for you, my friend,’ Maggie said softly. ‘And suddenly, this year, it’s all different. You’re smiling. You’re relaxed. Your children are smiling and relaxed. Ask yourself why, Patrick. And then do something about it. Quickly. Before it’s too late.’
‘I’ll go and prepare the pool for you, Ruth,’ Hayley said. ‘You might like to take a walk up the corridor and back again. It’s good to keep moving at this stage of your labour. I’ll only be in the room across the way, but if you need anything, just press the buzzer.’
Feeling exhausted and slightly sick, she took refuge in the empty room opposite.
As she prepared the pool, she pondered on the fact that this was her last shift.
She really ought to ring her mother and warn her that she was coming home tomorrow, but she couldn’t face the conversation.
Neither could she face the thought of moving out of Patrick’s house.
Of leaving the children.
Tears filled her eyes and she tested the temperature of the water, barely able to see the thermometer. Oh, this was ridiculous! If this was what being pregnant was like, she’d better buy shares in a tissue company.
‘Hayley?’ Patrick’s voice came from the doorway and she realised with a start of horror that she’d been so preoccupied in her own misery that she hadn’t even heard the door open.
How long had he been standing there?
Did he know she was crying?
‘Just doing the pool, Patrick,’ she said brightly. ‘Did you want me?’
Oh, for goodness’ sake, she’d done it again! Used the wrong words at absolutely the wrong time.
‘Yes, I want you.’ His tone was firm. Steady. ‘I thought we’d already established that. I also thought we’d established that you want me, too.’
Hayley blinked back tears and concentrated on the surface of the pool. ‘Patrick, this really isn’t a good time. We should—’
‘I have something to say to you and I want you to listen.’
Hayley froze. He was probably going to tell her that she’d upset Alfie. ‘Honestly, I really don’t—Can we talk later?’
‘No.’ He was right behind her and he drew her to her feet, turning her so that she faced him. ‘There are things I want to say to you, and they can’t wait. I love you, Hayley.’ His voice soft, Patrick took her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. ‘I love you, sweetheart.’
No, not that.
He couldn’t be saying that to her. Not here. Not now.
Before she’d discovered she was pregnant, I love you were the words she’d been desperate to hear, but now they were the words she was desperate not to hear because hearing them just made everything so much worse.
‘Patrick—’
‘I haven’t finished. There’s something else I want to say to you.’ He let his hands drop and when he lifted them again he was holding a velvet box. ‘I want you to marry me. I want you to be my wife.’
Her hands still wet from the pool water, Hayley stared at the box in stunned silence and then at his face.
She stared into those blue eyes and then b
ack down at the box. ‘You—I…’
With a soft laugh he opened the box and removed a ring. A beautiful diamond solitaire. ‘Marry me, Hayley.’ He took the ring out of the box, slid it onto her finger—and she didn’t even stop him.
For a moment—just for a moment—she wanted to know what that ring would look like on her finger. She wanted to dream.
And then she remembered that dreams only happened while you were asleep. That was why they were called dreams.
And she was wide awake.
‘I can’t marry you, Patrick,’ she said in a choked voice. ‘I can’t do that.’ She sensed his shock.
‘I know it’s a bit sudden,’ he said carefully. ‘I know we haven’t known each other that long—but it’s right, Hayley. You know it is. Say yes.’
‘I can’t, Patrick.’ She stared down at the ring he’d placed on her finger. It sparkled under the lights, the diamond winking at her, as if taunting her with what she couldn’t have. ‘I can’t marry you, Patrick.’
‘Is this because of what I said to you the day you arrived? I know I was tactless and insensitive.’ He gave a rueful smile. ‘I know I upset you by assuming you must be pregnant—’
‘Patrick, I am pregnant.’ Her voice rose. ‘I am pregnant, OK? I’m pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. I’m having your baby. So now do you understand that it’s all hopeless? All of it. And it can’t ever work.’ Tears falling down her cheeks, she tugged at the ring—the ring that had been on her finger for less than two minutes—and pushed it blindly into his hand.
She waited for him to say something but he was silent and his silence was like a vicious blow.
What had she expected?
She’d known what his reaction would be.
‘Please.’ She gave up waiting for him to speak. ‘Please—do me a favour and don’t come back on the labour ward while I’m here. I just can’t—I need to pull myself together—I won’t be unprofessional.’ She wiped her eyes on the back of her hand and made for the door. ‘As soon as this shift is over, I’ll go home and pack. I’m sorry, Patrick. I’m sorry for all of it.’
