Rock My Body

by Lee Piper

  “We fucked.”

  “Whatever. And thirdly, I’m not shacking up with anyone. Robin and I are dating. In fact, he’s pretty serious about me.”

  “If I hear that fucktard’s name coming out of your mouth one more time, swear to God, Riley, I’m really gonna lose my shit.”

  I threw up my free hand in the air, beyond frustrated. “Why are you so upset about him? Huh?”

  Silence.

  “This is ridiculous and you know it. You wouldn’t be acting like this if you weren’t jealous, so for God’s sake, admit it already. Admit you have feelings for me.”

  Silence.

  I gave the deep breathing thing another go, though this time in an attempt to stay the moisture suddenly blurring my vision. It did not work, tears trickled down my cheeks until I swiped them away. In all honesty, I wasn’t sure why I wanted Dominic to admit he cared about me now. Maybe it was the fact we weren’t face to face, so I was no longer distracted by his hypnotic eyes and absurdly muscular pecs. Maybe he honestly did not care about me as much as I was trying so damn hard not to care about him. Or maybe, I had no idea what the heck I was thinking—a straightjacket was looking more and more welcome by the minute.

  Sigh.

  When Dominic next spoke, his voice rough. “What’s the point? It’s not gonna change anything, is it? We’re two different people living on opposite sides of the country, we were fucked before we even started.”

  So on that note, I hung up the phone.

  ****

  “So Riley, how have you been?”

  I glanced up from the tissue I had been systematically folding and refolding into neat little squares to look across at Doctor Powell. She waited patiently for an answer, her horn-rimmed glasses edging their way down her nose. Both myself and those glasses had been doing exactly the same thing during each session for the past year. Old habits died hard.

  “Good, great. I’ve been—” Doctor Powell raised her eyebrows, not for one second buying my preppy facade. “Great,” I finished lamely.

  “Shall we try that again?”

  I nod, silent.

  “So Riley, how have you been?”

  “Not good.”

  Doctor Powell offered a warm smile. “That’s better. Now, talk to me, what’s been going on?”

  After taking a deep breath, I blurted, “Well, I had the mother of all panic attacks on Friday night, I’m trying to stop Grace from drinking herself into an early grave, I want to start a new business but am terrified, my parents still hate me and, I ah, I met someone. A guy. I met a guy.”

  She opened her brown leather notebook and frantically started writing. I have no idea what. I’ve learned it’s best to ignore the scratching sound of her pen scrawling across the lined paper, it gives me a headache otherwise. “Okay.”

  “Actually, if I’m being honest, I met two guys.”

  “Two?”

  “Yeah, two.”

  More writing. “Well, let’s start with these men, shall we? Tell me about them.”

  I exhale. “The first guy is called Dominic.” My heart started to pound at the mere thought of him, stupid heart. “He’s…” I stared at the ceiling. “The most amazing man I’ve ever met.” My gaze met hers. “But complex, so unbelievably complex.”

  Doctor Powell nodded her head, her pen poised in mid-air as she gazed at me. After a brief pause, she asked, “When you’re with him, what does he make you feel?”

  “Everything. He makes me feel absolutely everything, even stuff I don’t want to feel.”

  “Such as?”

  “Anger, fear, confusion, excitement, desire.” I swallow before whispering, “Love.”

  “Interesting.”

  “What is?”

  But she ignored my question, posing another instead. “And the other man?”

  “Robin?”

  “Yes, Robin. How does he make you feel?”

  I paused for a moment. “Safe, like I’m a priority and not an afterthought.”

  “I see.” Closing her notebook, Doctor Powell leaned forward, her arms resting on the worn leather. “Are you seeing both of these men at the same time, Riley?”

  I shook my head vehemently. “No. God, no.” But then I stopped. “I mean, Robin and I weren’t serious when I was … connecting with Dominic.”

  “An interesting word choice.”

  “What is?”

  “Connecting.”

  “Is it?” Shrugging one shoulder, I continued. “Anyway, Dominic has moved to Melbourne so whatever we had is now over.” I bent my head and resumed folding the tissue, refusing to look Doctor Powell in the eyes.

  “Why can’t you continue connecting with Dominic in other ways?”

  My gaze darted back to her. “How do you mean?”

  “Like on the phone, for instance?”

  “Why would I? The man’s toxic. Besides, I called him on Saturday night and it didn’t end well.”

  “How so?”

  “We got into an argument after he found out I was dating Robin. It was horrible. I ended up hanging up on him and haven’t contacted him since.” Lowering my voice, I then mumbled, “No matter how much I want to.”

  “Well, you certainly hate confrontational situations, don’t you?” Doctor Powell smiled, and I grimaced because like always, she was right.

  “From what I understand,” she continued, “you’re avoiding Dominic because he makes you feel. He forces you to experience emotions—both the pleasurable and the uncomfortable—which you often shy away from. I can’t stress enough how important accepting emotions is in creating resilience.” She sat up straight, tapping her pen against the notebook in her lap. “I’m going to set you some homework. Before our next session, you need to phone Dominic and have another conversation with him. I don’t want you to run from this experience even though fear is telling you to. You need to embrace this, you need to lean in and feel it all.”

  We sat in silence for a long time while I processed all she had said. I really did not want to call Dominic again. The thought of apologizing to him and then hearing about his day-to-day life—the life I was no longer a part of—hurt, a lot. What if he was happier without me? What if Mondez became a rock sensation and everything we shared was forgotten? What if he answered the phone while in bed with yet another random blonde?

  Mental note—no FaceTime.

  Sure, resilience was important and all, but at this point it seemed completely overrated.

  “I don’t think I’m strong enough.”

  Doctor Powell took her time before speaking—she was making me sit with my insecurity and I kinda hated her for it. “You mentioned you and Robin weren’t serious while you were connecting with Dominic.” I nodded in agreement. “Are you serious about him now?”

  “I guess.”

  “You guess?”

  The tissue finally disintegrated between my fingers. “Yeah, I guess.”

  She reopened her notebook, scribbling frantically. “Interesting.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  I’m done waiting,

  For your say,

  It’s time to decide,

  It’s my life my time.

  —MONDEZ, “My Time”

  It took me almost a week to pull up my big girl panties and phone Dominic. Not surprisingly, there was always something more pressing to do, but when I found myself seriously contemplating cleaning the air vents in the bathroom rather than dialing his number, I decided enough was enough.

  Doctor Powell was spot on about my avoidance issues, but in my defense, I blamed my parents. Since Toby’s disappearance, my family and I never spoke about important issues. Mum had the emotional capacity of a Madame Tussaud’s exhibit, while I swear my father thought I had leprosy. Whenever I visited, it was like a titanium wall with a state of the art security system had been built between us and I was the only one who hadn’t been briefed on the new password. Needless to say, instead of open dialogue between the three of us, there festered a simmering und
ertone of blame, disappointment, and dare I say it, hatred. Sometimes I wished Mum would lose her ice-maiden tendencies and scream at me, cry with me, hell do anything provided her poisonous emotions surfaced and could finally be processed. But she never did.

  Thus, my preference for avoidance.

  Anyway, I refused to turn into my mother. So, after packing away the unused duster, I made myself comfortable on the floor at the foot of my bed, took out my phone and dialed Dominic’s number.

  Waiting for him to pick up was like waiting for a biopsy result. My stomach tied itself in no less than three sailor’s knots, my mouth decided to reenact the Outback during a sandstorm, and I swear my heart had taken up salsa classes.

  Eventually, he answered. “Riley?”

  There was a cacophony of noise in the background, people laughed, electric guitars strummed and I distinctly heard the metallic crash of Finn’s high hats.

  “Dominic, hey. How are you?” I was so nervous I didn’t even wait for an answer before continuing. “Look, I wanted to call you because—”

  “Hang on a sec, I can’t hear a word you’re saying.” As the sound of his heavy footsteps strode through what I assumed was a hallway, the racket gradually faded. Eventually, a heavy door slammed and the noise stopped altogether. “That’s better. What’s up?”

  “You seem pretty busy, do you want me to call back later? Or, you know, not at all?”

  “Why would you say that?”

  My voice was soft. “Because it might be true.”

  “Angel.” Dominic exhaled, and rather than be grossed out, the sound of his breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine. “I was a jackass the other night, so if anyone’s got a right to be pissed, it’s you.”

  My head flopped back onto the mattress as relief flooded me. God, I missed the sound of his voice, I didn’t realize how much until that moment.

  “Look,” he paused, “if Robin is giving you what you need then that’s … good. I’m happy for you.” Ironically, he sounded anything but happy. “But for the record, his taste in clothes sucks balls.”

  I laughed. “You’ve really got an issue with him wearing chinos, don’t you?”

  “Fuckin’ yeah, I do.”

  I chuckled again and so did Dominic, it felt amazing. It was like we were finally back to where we started, sharing an easy friendship with only the sprinkling of sexual tension to keep life interesting.

  “I’m sorry for being a dick.”

  “I’m sorry I wanted you to admit something you didn’t feel.”

  “It’s not…” Dominic sighed. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry I can’t give you what you deserve. I wish I could, you’ve no idea.”

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I whispered, “I wish you could too.”

  Neither of us spoke for a moment, each of us lost in thought. I don’t know how we did it but our conversation had transformed from rainbows and butterflies to flash flooding and newts quicker than a prostitute changed her bed sheets. It was weird. Eventually, Dominic broke the silence by declaring, “Right, enough of this emotional shit, I get enough of it from Levi. Tell me about your day.”

  So I did, and suddenly my day wasn’t nearly as horrible as I first thought.

  ****

  I’d like to say the next five weeks flew past as though I were starring in a film montage. You know, with shots of me running along the beach, assisting in a natural birth, yelling at Mae for more squats, typing rapidly on my laptop, walking hand-in-hand with Robin and hiding yet another whiskey bottle from Grace. But I’d be lying. Each day consisted of the full twenty-four hours and each hour contained the appropriately appointed minutes and seconds. Yeah, trying to get my life back together was a long and exhausting process.

  I tried to embrace the new and exciting opportunities that presented themselves, truly I did. I mean, my business was taking off and Grace even cracked a smile not that long ago. So for the most part, life was fine, good even. But something was missing. It was like I spent my days on autopilot and it was only in the evenings when Dominic called that I realized what it was—him.

  You see, I didn’t need to pretend with Dominic. I could openly say parts of my life were shit, that I was struggling with a marketing issue, or was disappointed when Grace drank spirits for breakfast on weekends. I could finally drop all pretense of perfection and be myself. It was a relief, let me tell you, because maintaining the illusion of composure for everyone else’s benefit was beyond draining. In fact, for the first time ever, we spoke openly about everything. Well, everything except our love lives. Thankfully, that topic was off the table because the mere thought of him with another woman made me want a stiff drink with my cereal too.

  Anyway, Dominic never judged me during our nightly phone conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to see situations from an alternate perspective, provided super-helpful ideas, and best of all, reminded me that I, Riley Jayne Sears, was important. Needless to say, I coveted my time with him like an addict savored a fix. So when his name flashed across my phone’s screen as I entered my bedroom early one evening after a shower, I dived for it—literally. My towel may or may not have dropped to the floor in my haste.

  “Dominic.”

  “Hey, angel.”

  His low, gravelly voice spoke straight to parts of me I emphatically tried to ignore, I really needed to throw some clothes on ASAP. “Can you wait a minute? I need to get dressed.”

  “You answered the phone naked?” Dominic swore. “You’re killing me, woman.”

  Laughing, I returned, “I was in the shower. Besides, it serves you right for calling ten minutes early. Hmm, now what lingerie should I wear? My lacey black G-string or—”

  “Get. Dressed.”

  Stifling more laughter, I quickly threw on a pair of underwear—sadly, not the ones described—some grey yoga pants and a sky blue tank top, telling myself the color in no way reminded me of Dominic’s eyes because, you know, that would be silly.

  After plonking myself down on the bed and picking up the phone again, I said, “Okay, I’m back.”

  “Thank fucking Christ. Being left alone with the mental image of you wet and naked is enough to drive a man insane.”

  “Oh. In a good way or in a Silence of the Lambs way?”

  “Definitely in a good way.”

  I flushed.

  “You’re blushing, aren’t you?”

  “Maybe.”

  Dominic groaned. “I can’t deal with this shit, Riley, it’s fuckin’ messing with my brain. I’m almost as bad as Levi and he’s a goddamn joke at the moment.”

  “What do you mean? Is your brother okay?”

  “Only you would care about my loser bro when I’m seriously hurting here.”

  “You’ll be fine. I’m sure there are plenty of blonde women with generous C-cups in Melbourne more than ready to help ease your hurt.”

  Dominic muttered something under his breath but it was too quiet to make out. So, ignoring him, I asked, “What’s wrong with Levi?”

  “He’s pussy-whipped, that’s what.”

  “How is that even possible? He and Grace aren’t even living in the same state.”

  “No idea but he’s as miserable as fuck and that’s not even the worst of it.”

  “Really?” I frowned. “Because it sounds pretty horrible so far.”

  Dominic snorted. “Save your pity for the rest of us, angel. His vocals are off, he’s as forgetful as fuck and I haven’t seen him play his Gibson this bad since he first learned how to hold the damn thing. Glaciers move faster than our recording.”

  “Wow, poor Levi. If it’s any consolation, Grace isn’t faring much better.”

  “Did she lose her shit at the mailman again?”

  “No, I think they’ve reached an uneasy truce after he ‘accidentally’ dropped her bills in Mrs. Jenkinson’s bird bath.”

  “Then what’s her deal?”

  “She misses him,” I said simply. “She’s in love with the guy and he’s not here.”

>   We were both silent. I laid back on my bed, closed my eyes and hated fate with the passion of a gazillion flaming suns because that last statement wasn’t really about Grace at all.

  Truth be told, the more time I spent talking to Dominic, the more I realized I’d stupidly fallen in love with the man. I know, right? I mean, what kind of self-respecting woman let her guard down around the likes of him? One who was dating someone else, of course.

  Fuck my life.

  “Serves her right for falling for the douche.”

  See what I mean?

  Rolling my eyes, I muttered, “Can you be a little more cynical, please? I’m not sure my faith in love has been crushed quite enough.”

  “Just sayin’ how it is.”

  “No, you’re being a rude jerk who’s clearly never been in love before.”

  “I’ve been in love.”

  I sat bolt upright and the room swam as my equilibrium played chase with my brain. “Hang on, what? You’ve been in love?”

  “Yep.”

  “When?”

  “Do you really wanna know?”

  Not really.

  “Well, yeah. I wouldn’t have asked otherwise.”

  Don’t do it, Riley.

  Dominic took a deep breath, it seemed like he was bracing himself for a punch to the gut and to be honest, I was too. I mean, him in love? As much as I wanted it to, the idea just did not compute. For some strange reason, my free hand clenched the bedcover, tightly.

  “Mac hired me to custom fit cars straight after I finished my apprenticeship. I thought I hit the jackpot the day I walked into his garage because apart from playing music, working on classic cars was a dream job for me.”

  “You’re very good at it.”

  “Thanks.” I could hear the smile in his voice, it warmed my insides and my grip on the coverlet loosened.

  “One afternoon, his daughter, Allie, walked into the workshop.”

  “Allie?” I interrupted. Okay, so my fingernails might have accidentally torn a hole in the quilt at the mention of her name. I let go and smoothed the fabric flat. “Wait up, wasn’t she the woman you spoke about in Melbourne the night we, um…” There was no way I could finish my sentence, doing so brought back way too many blissful/painful memories—I was still undecided which.