This baby truly did seem like a miracle.
‘Is that the baby?’ Lilia whispered from right behind Harper. She hadn’t even heard her get up and approach.
‘Yes,’ she whispered back. ‘Her name is Anaya. Isn’t she tiny?’
‘I think tiny might be an understatement. Wow.’ Lilia leaned closer to the screen. ‘Her hair’s the same colour as yours—not that she has much—and I think she’s got your eyes.’
Harper hadn’t noticed those details but now that Lil had pointed them out, she couldn’t deny it. This baby did bear an uncanny resemblance to her own baby photos. Or the few she had from before her father died and her mum stopped taking them.
‘How does it feel knowing that little girl is a part of you?’ Lilia asked.
‘I’ll admit it’s a little surreal. And so not the way I was hoping for her to come into the world.’
She thought back to that night at her place when she’d enlisted the help of her friends and family to choose the recipients. At the time they’d ruled out the ads from single women because they’d wanted the baby to have the best family situation possible. They’d wanted to ensure that any child born of her eggs would have the love and support of a father as well as a mother, but if the last twenty-four hours had taught Harper anything it was that life wasn’t something you could predict.
‘It’s terribly sad,’ Lilia agreed. ‘What a thing to share your birthday with the anniversary of your mother’s death.’
‘Oh.’ Harper swallowed, trying to ignore the flood of emotion that caused a lump to grow in her throat and her eyes to tingle. Last night in the course of a few hours she’d cried more than she’d done before in her whole life and she’d felt certain her tear ducts were empty, but at this awful thought, tears threatened again. Her heart went out to this innocent little baby and also to Jasper, who for the rest of his life would be conflicted about that day.
‘Will you go to the funeral?’
She rubbed her lips together a few moments as she contemplated Lilia’s question. ‘I kind of want to. Although I only knew Claire a short time, I really liked her and I’m heartbroken. But I don’t want to upset Jasper again, so maybe I should just send flowers and a card.’
‘Sheesh, sympathy cards,’ Lilia said as if Harper had suggested sending decomposed road kill in the mail.
‘You don’t think I should send a card?’
‘I didn’t say that. I just don’t envy you the task of choosing one. I had to buy one for a friend who lost her mum to cancer last year and all the poems and stuff inside just seemed so naff. But then again, what can you say to make something like this better?’
‘Nothing,’ Harper agreed, feeling absolutely helpless. ‘This just sucks so bad. I should be sending Claire and Jasper a congratulations card and a gift for the baby.’
Lilia put her hand on Harper’s shoulder. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to take some time off? Maybe you should go shopping and buy something for the baby. Maybe that will make you feel better.’
‘No. I’m fine.’ Harper shook her head and closed the email. Work was what would make her feel better. It had always been her lifeline, the thing that made her happy and one of the few things she could control.
With a reluctant nod, Lilia retreated to her desk and together they worked alongside each other in unusual silence. Or at least Harper pretended to work, but she found herself reading Wendy’s letter over and over again and staring at the photos of the tiny baby. She wrote a reply, thanking Wendy for taking the time to email and telling her to reach out if there was anything she could do. Then, when Lilia left the office to go grab some lunch, Harper printed off the photos and popped them in her handbag so she could look at them later.
Chapter Twenty-six
The days following Claire’s death were surreal. Sometimes Jasper felt as if he were living someone else’s life; at other times that he was an actor in some movie he didn’t want to watch. He spent the daylight hours in the hospital, sitting by the incubator of a little girl who felt as much a stranger to him as the people who sat alongside the other premature babies. Some of the time he even forgot that he was now alone—he’d fantasise Claire was off getting them coffee or something. And when his phone buzzed with a call or a text message, his heart would leap as his first thought was always her.
Yet every time he lifted his mobile and saw someone else’s name on the screen, reality hit and his body turned to ice all over again. Friends tried to call him but he sent short messages in reply telling them he was busy with the baby and that he’d call them later. His mum and Claire’s mum took turns keeping him company in the neonatal intensive care unit, but he preferred it when they left him alone. He passed the time just staring down at the baby and waiting for the unconditional love to kick in, but mostly he was just grateful that being with her gave him a reprieve from everyone else’s fussing.
At night he retreated to a cheap apartment in Newcastle where he showered and changed his clothes and forced down some dinner—not because he felt inclined to do any of these things but because his mum made him. Most evenings he escaped to the bedroom citing tiredness, but tonight when he arrived at the apartment, he was greeted by half his and Claire’s family.
‘Hey mate. I’m so sorry,’ Scotty said, clapping him on the shoulder and then drawing him into a hug.
‘Hi,’ Jasper managed. As only he and the grandparents were allowed to visit the baby in the hospital, he’d avoided seeing most of them until now. ‘What are you all doing here?’
‘We asked Scotty and Polly to come up and discuss the funeral arrangements with us,’ Mike replied from a few feet away.
Jasper’s stomach turned at his father-in-law’s words. He’d been glad when he and Joanne had volunteered to liaise with the funeral director. He didn’t know the first thing about organising funerals and he didn’t want to learn. Probably that made him a coward—Claire would have been so much stronger if the situation was reversed—but sitting down and talking about flowers and music and whatever else you had to talk about when planning a funeral would just make it real.
As Scotty stepped away, Polly wrapped her arms around Jasper. Within seconds he felt her tears soaking his shirt, reminding him he wasn’t the only one suffering here.
‘Thank you for coming,’ he whispered into her hair.
She pulled back and looked up into his face. He noted the bags under her eyes. ‘I just can’t believe this,’ she said with a sniff.
‘You and me both.’
‘Your mum sent us photos of Anaya,’ she said. ‘She’s gorgeous and I’m so glad she’s doing well. My kids can’t wait until she’s big enough to come play.’
He nodded. ‘Thanks.’ Then went through the motions of greeting his sisters and Claire’s brother, Tim.
‘Do you want to freshen up before we get started?’ Joanne asked.
‘Nah. I’m fine.’ He was far from fine but wanted to get this over and done with—wanted everyone to go and leave him alone to wallow again.
Polly took hold of his hand and led him over to a small table, not big enough for everyone to fit around. Boxes of takeaway pizza and bottles of soft drink sat on top as if this was some kind of party. The thought left a bad taste in his mouth and he knew he wouldn’t be able to eat one slice.
He took a seat and his family crowded around—his parents and Claire’s sitting on the remaining seats, everyone else standing.
Mike spoke first, taking hold of his wife’s hand as he did so. ‘This is the last thing I ever wanted to do. You’re not supposed to have to arrange your child’s funeral but that makes this one of the most important things we’ve ever done. If Jasper agrees, Joanne and I would like to make this service a celebration of the wonderful, unique person Claire was.’
Around him heads nodded and there were murmurs of agreement. Jasper didn’t say a word.
‘As Claire fell in love with the Hunter Valley at the same time as she fell in love with Jasper, we think she’d have like
d the service to be held there, so we’ve booked the Catholic church.’ He looked to Jasper. ‘Most people in our family have been cremated; are you okay with that or would you prefer a burial?’
It wasn’t something he and Claire had ever discussed. They’d made plenty of plans for the future—baby plans, travel plans, they’d even joked about retirement plans—but death hadn’t been something they’d bargained on happening so soon.
‘Cremation’s fine,’ he said.
‘You could scatter her ashes in your garden,’ his sister Corrine suggested. ‘The place she loved being most.’
But Jasper shook his head. Suddenly he knew what he wanted to do in that regard.
‘What’s next on your list?’ he asked, nodding towards the papers in front of his father-in-law.
The rest of the evening was as much of a blur as the past few days had been. He vaguely registered discussions about flowers, music, pallbearers and the need to choose photos to show on a big screen at the end of the ceremony. He agreed to Claire’s parents going to his house and going through the photos on their computer.
And then came the question he didn’t even know he’d been dreading until Mike asked it. ‘Would you like to say a few words?’
Jasper blinked. For a second he thought his father-in-law was asking him to talk now and then he realised he meant at the actual service. His chest tightened at the thought of getting up in front of a crowd of people and trying to say the right things. What the hell was he supposed to say at the funeral for the love of his life? He wished they were planning his funeral instead.
‘You don’t have to,’ Mike rushed. ‘Tim’s going to speak on behalf of our family and Polly wants to say a few words as well.’
‘I think you should try and say something,’ said his dad. ‘You don’t want to regret not doing so later.’
Jasper nodded. ‘I’ll say something.’ He didn’t know what but he owed it to Claire to try.
Joanne twisted a paper napkin between her fingers and sniffed. ‘It’s such a pity Anaya can’t be there.’
‘I’ve been thinking about that,’ said his mum. ‘Maybe I should see if I can get permission to stay with Anaya without you?’
‘You don’t want to go to Claire’s funeral?’ Jasper couldn’t help his accusatory tone.
‘Of course I want to be there, but the funeral and the wake will take up most of the day and I don’t like the thought of Anaya being all alone in the hospital.’
Jasper lifted an eyebrow. ‘Alone? That place is buzzing with people. She’ll have all the doctors and nurses.’
His mum gave him an apologetic shrug. ‘I just don’t like the thought of her not having someone who loves her beside her.’
Guilt swamped Jasper at her words—he couldn’t honestly say he loved the baby; right now she felt more like an obligation than the blessing everyone else kept going on about. Every time the nurses made him hold her against his bare chest—something they called Kangaroo Care—he prayed he’d feel something. But he never did.
‘There is one other alternative,’ she began. ‘We could see if we could get special permission for Harper to come and sit with her?’
Harper.
Jasper hadn’t spoken to her or even really thought about her since his outburst in the hospital the night Claire died. Now that he remembered the less than kind words he’d spat at her, self-loathing washed over him.
He hadn’t been fair on her. How would he have felt if some guy had spoken to Claire the way he had to Harper? And now he’d had a few days to think about nothing but his wife’s death, he realised how unreasonable he’d been blaming Harper for the accident. There was only one person at fault here—that deadbeat drug addict who he hoped would rot in prison for what he’d done.
But Harper? He owed her an apology.
‘That’s a good idea,’ he said. ‘Do you think the hospital would allow it?’
‘Well,’ began his dad, rubbing his beard, ‘policy is parents and grandparents only, and Harper technically does fit that description—biologically. There’s still a few days until the funeral, so we’ve got time to make a request to the nurse manager.’
He nodded. ‘I’ll speak to her tomorrow. Although I guess we’d better ask Harper if she’s okay with the idea first.’
‘Would you like me to talk to her?’ asked his mum.
‘No, I can do it. I’ll call her when we’re done here.’
That settled, Mike closed the notebook in front of him. ‘I think we’ve been through everything. Are you sure you’re happy with the arrangements?’
Jasper cringed at his father-in-law’s choice of words. Happy? How on earth could he be happy about any of this? But he knew Mike meant no harm—they were all suffering and dealing with it in different ways.
‘Yes. Thank you for organising everything,’ he said.
Joanne sniffed and reached across to take Jasper’s hand. ‘You’ve got enough to worry about with Anaya, but if there’s anything you think of that we’ve missed or any other songs that you decide you want played, you just let us know.’
‘I will. Thanks.’ He slipped his hand out from his mother-in-law’s and pushed back his seat to stand. ‘I’m going to go call Harper now.’
Polly stood as well. ‘Really sorry, Jasper, but we have to be getting back to Sydney to relieve the sitter.’ She came around the table and hugged him. ‘But don’t forget, we’re here for you anytime, day or night.’
He squeezed her back and then let go. ‘Thanks. I know.’
After Polly and Scotty made a move, his dad and Claire’s parents followed. Only his mum, who was staying at the apartment with him, remained and for that Jasper was hugely grateful. Sitting all day by the baby’s side was weirdly exhausting and discussing the funeral had taken it out of him as well. Bed beckoned and although he knew he probably wouldn’t sleep, he just wanted to lie horizontal for a bit.
‘I’ll clean up,’ Wendy said, patting him on the back as they closed the front door behind everyone. ‘You go talk to Harper and then come tell me how you went, and perhaps try and have a bite to eat.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’ He turned and drew her into him. She’d been taking such good care of him and he hadn’t once told her how much he appreciated it.
‘You don’t have to thank me, sweetheart. And by the way, I hope you won’t be angry, but I’ve been corresponding with Harper via email.’
He pulled back, not sure how he felt. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I totally understand your reaction to seeing her the other night, but she did something amazing for you and Claire and I didn’t want her to be left hanging, wondering or worrying about the baby. I’ve sent her a couple of photos and emailed her an update every day on how Anaya is faring.’
‘Oh, all right.’ He let out a deep breath, finding some of his guilt ease at her confession. ‘Thanks for that. I guess I’ll go call her now.’
‘Good boy. I think she’ll be glad to hear from you.’
Chapter Twenty-seven
Harper’s mobile rang as she loaded dirty plates into the dishwasher. ‘Can you see who that is?’ she asked Samuel.
He stopped wiping the table and leant across to look down at the screen. ‘It’s an unknown number. Probably a cold call. Just ignore it.’
And usually she would, but something urged her to answer this one. She wiped her hands on a tea towel and snatched up the phone.
‘Hello? Harper Drummond.’
No one spoke for a few long moments. Just as she was about to hang up, she heard a voice she instantly recognised.
‘Hi Harper. It’s me. Sorry for calling so late.’
The half-loaded dishwasher forgotten, she pressed a hand against her heart. ‘Jasper! It’s fine. How are you?’ She cursed herself the moment the words left her mouth. How the hell did she think he was?
‘I’m feeling pretty shit to be honest, but that doesn’t excuse the way I treated you the other night. I’m really sorry. I just—’
‘Don’t you apologise,’ she said, sounding a little harsher than she meant. ‘I’m the one that should be saying sorry for intruding. I didn’t even think about how you might feel about me turning up. I just got in the car and came.’
‘And now, looking back, I appreciate that,’ Jasper said, his voice a little choked. ‘Mum said she’s been giving you updates on the baby.’
‘Yes. She’s beautiful.’
‘It’s actually because of her I’m calling.’
Harper’s knees wobbled and she reached out to steady herself on the bench. ‘Is something wrong? I thought she was doing well.’
‘She’s doing fine,’ Jasper rushed. ‘The doctors and nurses can’t quite believe the progress she’s making. She’s gaining weight and they reckon another few days and she might not need to be in a heated incubator anymore.’
‘Wow. That’s wonderful.’
‘Yeah. Anyway, I wanted to ask you a favour.’
‘Yes?’ Her heart stilled.
‘Claire’s funeral is next Wednesday and my mum was going to miss it to stay with the baby,’ he explained, ‘but I don’t think she should. She loved Claire like another daughter and I think she’ll regret not being there later. Could you...?’
Harper swallowed at the terrifying thought of looking after a baby on her own. But it wasn’t like she’d have to do anything except be there—the doctors and nurses would be in charge of Anaya’s care. And this was a small thing she could do to help. She also had to admit that ever since seeing the photos, she’d been curious about seeing her in person. ‘Of course I’ll come.’
‘Thank you,’ Jasper said. ‘I really appreciate it, though I still have to run it by the hospital to see if they’ll grant us special permission for you to be in the NICU without me.’
‘Oh right. Sure.’ She suddenly remembered the stern nurse/security guard who’d been at the reception desk that dreadful night. She’d need to be a ninja to sneak by the likes of her without approval.
‘I’ll talk to the head nurse first thing tomorrow morning and be in contact.’ He sighed as if the conversation had been an effort. ‘Thank you, Harper, for being so understanding and for being willing to help out. Claire knew from the moment she read your email that you were special. You’ll never know how happy you made her.’
The Greatest Gift Page 24
