Harper’s eyes filled with tears. Although she was usually eloquent with words, she had no idea what to say to this poor man.
‘Anyway, I’d better be going. But I’ll be in touch as soon as I can.’
‘Goodnight Jasper.’
Harper disconnected the phone, her heart feeling as if someone had wrapped their hands around it and was trying to drag it down to her stomach. She looked up at Samuel who’d been listening intently.
‘You going to the funeral after all?’ he asked, tossing the wet cloth in the sink.
She shook her head. ‘Jasper has asked if I could go and sit with Anaya while he and his family are in the Hunter Valley for the funeral.’
‘Anaya?’ Before she could answer, he nodded quickly. ‘Right. The baby. Why would you need to do that?’
‘To put their minds at ease.’
He raised his eyebrows. ‘Aren’t they asking a little much? You’re only supposed to be the donor. Besides, the baby is so young, it’s hardly going to notice a few hours by itself. And as it’s still in hospital, the medical staff will be looking after it.’
‘She, not it,’ Harper snapped, her patience wearing thin. Although in theory he’d been supportive this last week—he said the right things and tried to sympathise—it was clear he didn’t get her grief about Claire and he’d barely even looked at the photos of Anaya when she’d tried to show him. ‘And as you don’t have a baby, nor a dead wife, I guess you can’t put yourself in Jasper’s shoes, but this is a small thing he’s asked me to do and I want to help.’
Samuel held up his hands in defence. ‘You’re right, I don’t understand. I didn’t understand why you felt the need to donate your eggs and I certainly don’t understand why they need you to do this, but …’ He closed the gap between them and put his hands on her arms. She fought the urge to shake him off. ‘As I’ve told you a number of times, I might not always understand you but I love you and I want to support you. So, would you like me to come with you to Newcastle? When is the funeral? Unless it’s Friday, I should be able to shuffle things around at work and make up the time later.’
Like the air slowly being let out of a balloon, some of the irritation she felt at his initial reaction seeped out of her. ‘No, I’ll be okay. You can’t really afford to take the time off—you’re already working ridiculous hours—and you won’t be able to be inside with me and Anaya anyway. Jasper has to get special permission from the hospital for me to go into the neonatal ward, so it might not even happen.’
But to her surprise, she desperately hoped it would.
‘Well, if you’re sure. But if you change your mind, I’ll be happy to come.’ Samuel dropped a quick kiss on her forehead and then let her go. ‘I’ve got to do a bit of reading before coming to bed. Are you going to head up now or keep me company down here?’
‘I’m going to call Lilia and give her a heads-up about needing Wednesday off work, but then I think I’ll have a soak in the bath. See you when you come up.’
On Wednesday morning Harper got up at the crack of dawn, dressed in skinny jeans, her favourite woollen jumper and knee-high boots, and then tiptoed out of the house while Samuel was still asleep in bed. She usually listened to podcasts on long journeys—mostly overseas shows similar to her own—but today she drove in silence. It didn’t seem right to be listening to others talk about their full lives on the day when Claire would be farewelled from the earth, and the boppy music on the commercial stations didn’t match her mood.
It had been too early to eat when she’d left, so she’d poured her morning coffee into a travel mug and climbed into the car, planning to stop for a greasy breakfast sandwich at a service station on the way. But her stomach churned the closer she got to Newcastle and she didn’t think she’d be able to eat a thing. Her emotions were a weird cocktail of sadness, excitement and apprehension, but they would be nothing compared to how Jasper must be feeling right now.
With this thought, she parked her car and then headed for the hospital entrance. She’d agreed to meet him in the foyer so they could go to the NICU together. Although she was early, Harper saw him and his mum standing off to one side of the reception desk, both of them nursing takeaway coffee cups. They wore Sunday best—Jasper a dark-grey suit that made him look like a model for Armani and Wendy a black skirt and a floral blouse in pinks and purples.
They glanced up as Harper approached and relief swam in Jasper’s eyes as he saw her. She couldn’t help a sad smile as she noted the bright floral print on his shirt. The few times Harper had met Claire in person, she’d always worn some sort of flower-print clothing or jewellery and it was clear that their attire had been chosen to honour her.
‘Harper.’ Jasper almost breathed her name as he greeted her with a hug.
‘Hi,’ she said, squeezing him back.
‘Thank you for coming.’
‘There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.’ Harper let him go and turned to Wendy.
‘It’s lovely to see you again.’ Wendy held out a takeaway cup—Harper hadn’t even noticed she’d been carrying two. ‘This is for you. We weren’t sure what your poison was so it’s just a simple flat white, but I’ve got some sugar sachets in my bag if you’d like them. Unfortunately you can’t take it in to Anaya—no food, drinks or phones allowed—but it shouldn’t be too hot now, so you can drink it quick.’
‘Thank you,’ Harper said, taking the kind offering. It touched her heart that they’d thought about her on what was probably going to be the worst day of their lives. ‘I don’t need sugar.’
‘You’re welcome, love. It’s the least we could do.’ And then Wendy embraced her as well, taking care not to knock the coffee cup as she did so. It felt weird hugging these people—in some ways they were little more than strangers—yet at the same time it felt natural and right.
‘Thank you for all the updates,’ Harper said. ‘I appreciated them.’
‘That’s my pleasure.’ Wendy pulled out of the hug but kept one arm linked through Harper’s. ‘And now you get to meet our gorgeous girl in person. Come on.’
Harper’s stomach fluttered as they led her through the hospital maze—navigating lifts and corridors to the neonatal ward. She couldn’t remember ever feeling this nervous in her life, not even when she’d had the interview with the radio station for her absolute dream job, but she told herself it was silly to be anxious about seeing a baby. Anaya wouldn’t know who she was and she couldn’t talk, so it wasn’t like they’d spend hours attempting conversation to avoid awkward silence.
She absentmindedly sipped her coffee and answered Wendy’s polite questions as they walked. Was her drive north hassle free? Who covered her radio show when she wasn’t there? Was she planning on travelling back to Sydney tonight?
‘You’re welcome to stay at the apartment we’ve been renting if you’re too tired to drive,’ Wendy offered.
‘Thank you,’ Harper said, ‘but I’ve only taken today off work, so it’ll be easier to head straight home.’
‘I’ll get back here as soon as I can,’ Jasper promised as they finally neared the NICU.
‘Oh no, please don’t!’ She didn’t want him to feel he had to rush out on his wife’s wake. ‘Take as long as you need. I’ll be fine here and it’s an easy drive back to Sydney.’
Harper took a final sip of her coffee and then tossed it in the bin. She and Jasper left Wendy in the waiting area as they proceeded into the actual ward. As if he’d done so a zillion times before—which he probably had—he went across to a sink, washed his hands, dried them on a paper towel and then took a squirt of sanitiser to rub all over them. She did the same, taking more care over washing her hands than she’d ever done in her life.
He led her down a corridor past a number of rooms, each filled with tiny little clear incubators and lots of high-tech equipment, the kind she’d only ever seen on TV medical dramas. Although she wasn’t close enough to see the babies, the hairs on her neck raised a little at the thought of being this clos
e to so many. She’d spent so long avoiding anything to do with them that it felt weird to be suddenly immersing herself in their world.
‘She’s in here,’ Jasper said as he pushed open a door.
Harper surveyed another room full of incubators, wondering which one of them held Anaya.
‘Good morning.’ The smiley nurse reminded her a little of Mrs Doubtfire, but without the masculinity. ‘You must be Harper.’
‘Yes, hello.’ She wondered if this woman was the nursing unit manager, the one who had fought with the senior hospital administration to get her special access.
‘It’s lovely that you could come and spend the day with Anaya. I’m her main nurse and I’ll be around with the paediatrician to do his morning check-up soon, but I’ll also be doing observations throughout the day, so feel free to ask me anything at any time.’
Harper nodded. ‘Thank you.’
Mrs Doubtfire’s doppelganger looked to Jasper. ‘I’ll be thinking of you and your family today.’ Then she stepped away, leaving him to lead Harper over to Anaya.
Butterflies working up a storm in her stomach, she followed for a few steps until he came to a halt in front of one of the tiny see-through incubators.
‘Here she is,’ he said simply, peering into the box.
Harper’s breath caught in her throat at the sight of the sleeping baby. Anaya was even tinier in person. If not for the little tube going into her nose, she’d look like a porcelain doll.
‘She’s picture perfect,’ she whispered in absolute awe as an unexpected tear formed in the corner of her eye. ‘I’ve never seen anything, I mean anyone, more beautiful.’
Jasper cleared his throat slightly. ‘I hope you brought a book or something. The hours can drag sitting in here.’
A book? The thought had never crossed her mind, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything of the sort. Her eyes went to the circular holes in the side of the incubator. ‘Are we allowed to touch her?’ she asked.
Jasper nodded. ‘You can hold her hand, but you need to put on more sanitiser gel first.’ He gestured to a little bottle on the wall behind them.
Without another word, she did as he said and then slipped her hand in the side and stroked a finger over Anaya’s tiny hand. Her milky skin was as smooth as it looked, and when she moved a little and curled her hand around Harper’s pinkie finger, Harper’s heart almost exploded with emotion.
This was the weirdest experience of her life. She’d never expected to have a baby and certainly not with a man she’d only met a handful of times. Yet although technically this was Claire’s baby, Harper couldn’t ignore the inner voice reminding her of their biological connection. Something squeezed inside her at the thought.
‘Well, if you’re okay, I’ll be heading off now,’ Jasper said.
Reluctantly, she removed her hand from the incubator and turned to face him. Although dressed to impress, he looked totally lost and physically drained, as if he hadn’t slept in days. She wished there was something she could say to help, but what could you say to a man who was heading off to bury his wife?
She gave him a quick hug. ‘Don’t worry about Anaya. You take your time to say goodbye to Claire properly. I’ll be here in person with your little girl, but with you in spirit. I didn’t know Claire for long, but she touched my heart in a way some people I’ve known my whole life have never managed to do.’
‘Thank you,’ he said, and then pursed his lips as if struggling to keep it together. She could only imagine the heartbreak he must be feeling and couldn’t help wondering if Samuel would be so distraught if she died. Sure they loved each other, but in many ways they lived such separate lives that if one of them was gone, the other’s life wouldn’t change that much. It was an uncomfortable thought, one she pushed to the back of her mind to deal with later.
Harper watched as Jasper left the room, closed the door and walked along the corridor until he was out of sight. Then she lowered herself into the plastic chair beside Anaya and slipped her hand back into the incubator. Once again, the baby wrapped her tiny fingers around Harper’s and then she actually looked up, right into Harper’s eyes.
‘What are you thinking, little one?’ she whispered, feeling a strong and surprising urge to rip open the incubator and lift the baby into her arms. The only babies she’d ever held were those of her best friends, Juliet and Renee, and then she couldn’t wait to give them back. But she wanted to comfort and cuddle this one.
Another tear trickled down her cheek, following the one that had formed earlier, and pretty soon she was blubbering a river. She cried for Jasper. She cried for Claire. And she cried for this beautiful little girl. Anaya had plenty of aunties and two loving grandmothers, but she didn’t have a mother. As someone who had grown up with a mother, but one who was never there in all the ways that mattered, Harper knew what it was like to feel alone, and every organ in her body ached at the thought.
‘Here, love, take these.’
Harper blinked at the sound of the head nurse’s voice and stared at the tissue box like it was some weird relic from the past.
‘We go through a bucketload of those in here,’ said the woman, placing a comforting hand on Harper’s shoulder. ‘And I’m usually pretty tough myself but I must admit this little girl and her daddy have touched my heart. Such a tragedy.’
Harper simply nodded, accepted the tissues and yanked one out.
The nurse drifted away again as Harper wiped her eyes, tasting salt on her lips. Thankfully she’d bypassed mascara when she’d done her make-up that morning otherwise she’d be a frightful sight right now.
As the morning progressed, more people started coming into the ward and filling the seats surrounding the other incubators. She noted a few lingering glances in her direction, but guessed it wasn’t because they recognised her—one of the benefits of radio over TV was that you could walk down the street without someone pointing you out. No, these new parents obviously knew the story behind Anaya’s birth, but they didn’t know about her conception, so were likely curious about who Harper was and why she was there.
But she didn’t meet their gazes, talk or even smile at any of them. The only time she let go of Anaya’s hand was when the nurse and paediatrician did their rounds. She felt proud and immensely happy when they noted her increased weight and said she mightn’t need the respiratory support for much longer.
‘We might even be able to try her on a bottle in a week or so,’ said the paediatrician, with a big grin that crinkled the lines around his eyes.
Harper made a mental note to tell Jasper when he returned later; hopefully this little bit of good news would cause some light at the end of a dark day.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Jasper had always believed funerals should be a celebration of a person’s life, and he’d initially agreed with his in-laws when they’d said they wanted Claire’s to be that way. But now, as he entered the church, he changed his mind. The sight of all these people dressed in the bright floral clothes they’d been requested to wear made his chest cramp. They looked more like they were here for a wedding or a party, and that just felt so incredibly wrong.
Claire may have had a happy life, mostly, but she hadn’t had a long life. There were so many things she’d still been looking forward to experiencing—so many adventures she’d been robbed of—that coming here today and celebrating her thirty years felt like a kick to the gut. He wanted to rip off his bright flowery shirt and tell everyone else to go home and get changed, but then he saw his in-laws a few steps away.
‘Jasper!’ Claire’s mum threw her arms around him and they hugged long and hard before she pulled back. ‘How’s Anaya this morning?’
‘She’s fine.’ He nodded, trying to stamp down the irritation that rose within him. Today wasn’t supposed to be about the baby.
‘Hello, son.’ Although he and Mike didn’t usually hug, they did so now.
The next few minutes were a blur as Jasper—with his parents
and Claire’s folks flanking him—headed to the front of the church, pausing every few steps to accept words of sympathy from friends and family. He knew it was a testament to how well-loved Claire was that so many people from their local community and beyond had turned out to say goodbye, but every time someone said how sorry they were, it felt like a knife twisting further and further into his heart. He shook hands with Nick Gilbert and his colleague. Although she’d been with him to deliver the news of Claire’s death, Jasper couldn’t for the life of him remember her name.
He’d never been so relieved as when he got to the front of the church and could collapse into the first pew, his parents and Claire’s taking their seats beside him. Behind them were Claire’s three remaining grandparents—one had died after a stroke only a year ago—and Jasper’s sisters, who held their kids close. Across the aisle a sombre-faced Polly sat with her five children who were quieter than he’d ever known them to be.
The priest came over and said a few words to him and Claire’s parents and although Jasper nodded and said something back, he wouldn’t be able to repeat any of the words exchanged. Then the priest touched Jasper’s shoulder and retreated to the pulpit as Claire’s favourite singer’s voice filled the air.
Spend all your time waiting …
Jasper stood with the rest of the church. He turned towards the back and watched the pallbearers—Scotty, Claire’s brother Tim and his own sisters’ husbands—start down the aisle carrying the coffin. As Sarah McLachlan sang about an angel and tears streamed down the faces of those around him, Jasper still couldn’t believe that it was Claire’s body inside that white box.
Less than two weeks ago they’d been lying in bed together plotting their future, and now he’d never hold her again.
The Greatest Gift Page 25
