by Yessi Smith
“He is,” I say, realizing Rob looked past all my charades and saw me.
After a quick shower, I carefully reapply my make up and although it’s midafternoon, I decide to dress up with a dark blue halter-top and a black and white checkered high-waisted skirt. I style my hair in long waves and finish my look with black pumps. I take one last look in the full-length mirror in the living room and satisfied with what I see I make my way downstairs.
Once inside the auditorium where the model show will be, I find Dee, who is holding out a glass of wine for me. I sit with her and her friends and tell her about my day while she fills me in on hers. I’m happy to hear she’s met a lot of readers, who like me, love her work. Although some were upset she wasn’t signing, she had an overall productive day.
“Now, to unwind.” She rests her head on my shoulder and sighs contently.
“Isn’t wine a requirement to unwind? That’s how the saying goes: ‘wine to unwind.’”
“Too tired for wine,” she yawns, not bothering to lift her head up.
“Think the show will be like Magic Mike?” I ask, hopeful while she snorts.
“Yeah, if Magic Mike was rated PG.”
Well, that blows. I probably saw more at the pool then I will at this show. And that was the most action I’ll be getting until I figure out how to get through to Max. Because I can’t imagine there being someone else after him.
Dee, always the jumpy one, startles when her phone vibrates just as the show is about to start and runs outside so she can answer it. Probably Adam, telling her how much he misses her. He’s a good guy, one of the better men I’ve met. I’m happy for Dee—happy for the life she opened herself up to and created and happy that her ever after is meant to last.
I catch Rob getting a back massage from another girl and smile when he tries to look innocent. I give him a thumbs up and his smile turns mischievous. No longer feeling guilty, I sit back and watch as the lights dim and the first male model is announced. I don’t know why I ever felt guilty for shamelessly flirting with him—there’s no way a good looking guy like him would go unnoticed by the female population.
“We have to go,” Dee says, suddenly appearing next to me.
I get up without questioning her, her worried eyes screaming at me, telling me something is wrong. We hurry to our hotel room, not speaking as we pack. I hope Josie’s okay. And Adam.
Please God, let them be okay. Dee’s heart can only take so much.
As if reading my mind, Dee stops packing and looks at me, and the wariness on her face makes my heart slam in my chest. “It’s Max,” she says, and within seconds I feel my whole world turn upside down.
I’ll never understand why women like having half naked men on their book covers. I get the whole feminist thing and will even celebrate their womanhood with them, but I don’t think this is quite what they had in mind. Although I will admit, I enjoy looking at half naked women – for book covers, of course.
A-ha, the double edged sword of sexism.
I think I’ve sworn off women though. Not in a light-bulb-revelation-hey-I’m-gay type of way. I’ve just come to realize that being part of a relationship isn’t worth the downfall. And there is always a downfall. Every great love story has a downfall. Some, like Adam and Dee, climb out of the pits of hell together, thereby making their relationship stronger. Some are destined to fail, like Romeo and Juliet.
And, in my opinion, whoever the hell said, ‘Romeo and Juliet was an epic love story’ needs to have their head examined. It’s not a love story, or even a good story. It’s about two selfish kids – kids being the operative word here – who meet once and decide they’re in love. What follows is needless mayhem. Had Romeo truly loved Juliet, he would have let her go. Her heart would have hurt for a little while, but she would have healed. Women are strong like that – they heal, they move forward, and they curse you every step of the way.
I hit the send button on my email with my mock up to my client for approval. I’m pretty confident she’ll love it. I’ve worked with her in the past and already have a feel for her taste. I’m hoping to be able to offer her specific photography rather than stock photos for her next project. I just have to save up for a camera and practice with it some. I used to be good with a camera. I had a real passion for it, and like everything else in my present life, Hayley has brought my passions back into the forefront of my mind.
I close Adam’s laptop when he sits next to me and reach for Josie after I put the laptop at a safe distance. I bounce Josie on my knee as I wait for Adam to speak. He doesn’t say much, but it’s always fairly apparent when he has something to say.
“The girls are coming home,” he says, running his hand through his hair.
“When? Now?” I ask, getting up quickly, getting ready to run.
“Yeah.” He looks at me and I know what he’s about to say, but I stay quiet anyway. “I told Dee you were here.” I nod, waiting for the rest. “I told her what happened.”
The air whooshes through my lungs and out of my mouth in one long stream of curse words. I put Josie on the floor so she doesn’t have to suffer through my tantrum and I begin to pace the room.
I can’t see Hayley and, more importantly, she can’t see me. Not like this. Not when I’ve barely got a handle on my shit and look like a mad man ready to jump off the damn cliff. I have to go. It’s obvious, so I stalk out of the room and start packing what little belongings I have from the dryer and put them in my backpack—my torn and very abused backpack.
How had I become such a cliché?
“I don’t know what’s going on inside your head,” Adam says when I walk back into his living room. “But whatever it is, you can’t carry it alone. It’s eating at you. Don’t let it do that. Don’t let it become the center of your existence.”
“It’s already the center of my existence – it always has been.”
“What changed then?” Adam asks and I look back at him curiously.
I changed. I changed the moment I met Hayley and wanted something more, something that was never meant for me to have.
“If it’s always been the center of your existence, why do you care to protect Hayley from it now? Why didn’t you care before?”
“I didn’t know Hayley was a part of it before.”
“If Hayley’s a part of it, then tell her so she can make her own choices. Don’t take that decision away from her.”
I stick my chin out and grit my teeth at him. “She won’t want me once she knows.”
“She might surprise you.”
She won’t. My eyes narrow with that simple realization and I feel my face redden while my lips thin in a defiant curl. Either way it doesn’t matter. She won’t know, she can’t know. As long as I’m not a part of her life, she never has to know the role, or lack thereof, I played in her sister’s death. She doesn’t have to know the man I once believed in, let us all down. She doesn’t have to relive her sister’s death all over again. I’m protecting her, and hurting us both, because I love her.
On a grunt, Adam sits on his couch and although I want to follow suit, I stay standing. Standing is good because it makes pacing more easily accessible. My muscles quiver with each step while my eyes flit across the room, never finding a spot to settle on.
“Not only are you carrying a load that’s too heavy to carry, you’re unwilling to share the burden of its weight-”
“I can’t,” I interrupt. If I tell Adam, he’d feel obligated to tell Dee, and Dee would immediately tell Hayley. It’d all come full circle and all the sacrifices I’d made would be for nothing.
“Okay, you can’t.” He puts his hands up in resignation. “There’s a lot of guilt with whatever you’re hiding from us—your family. But something I learned when Dee and Josie became my family is that sometimes we carry a burden, a guilt, that never belonged to us in the first place.”
I pace the room, wanting to slam my fist against the wall while pulling every last strand of hair out of my head. It
is my burden, it is my guilt, because the woman I love suffered at the hands of my parents and their inability to be anything that resembles a humane person.
“I’ve gotta get out of here,” I tell Adam, “before Hayley sees me.” And everything goes further into the shit pile I’m creating.
“I’ll drive you,” he suggests and I nod, walking toward the door as Adam picks Josie up for our quick drive. “Take the laptop.” He picks it up and hands it to me.
“Adam… I can’t.” I shake my head at him, overwhelmed with how much he still wants to do for me. But that’s Adam. “If those guys come back…”
“Just take it.” He sets his jaw and I nod again. “Max, I’m not taking you back down there. I’m putting you in a hotel.”
“No, fuck no.” I know my eyes have grown three times their size, and while I appreciate what he’s doing, I can’t. No, I won’t accept it. I can’t keep owing people in my life when I have no way of paying any of them back.
“Relax, I’m not putting you up in some expensive hotel. You’re not that good looking and I’m sure your blowjobs aren’t that extravagant.”
“Screw you.” I smile. “My blowjobs are worth more than you can afford.”
“Not something to brag about, brother.”
Brother. Damn, my life is reaching an all time low if such a simple word brings me peace.
“Your loss,” I joke, taking Josie from him so I can strap her into her carseat. I need to do something, my body demands it, and buckling in Josie seems like a better choice than the violence my mind is fantasizing about.
As much as these past few days have sucked, I’ve learned one invaluable lesson: you can’t push people out of your life that are unwilling to leave. Adam and Josie are sticking around, although I’m not sure how or what Dee or Hayley will think about it.
“I feel like your mistress,” I tell Adam after he checks me in to the hotel.
“My mistress would stay in a nicer hotel,” he counters.
“It’s no five-star, but I guess her blowjobs are better than mine.”
“Stop talking about mistresses and blowjobs in front of Josie,” he hisses once we’re in the elevator. “Or I’m gonna have a hell of a lot of explaining to do when Dee gets home.”
The image of Josie repeating our words sends me in a fit laughter, while Adam and Josie watch me with identical amused expression on their faces.
“You’ve got a laptop and Wi Fi. Anything else you need, and I mean anything, call me,” Adam says with a serious look on his face after I let us into my room. “I don’t want to have to pick you up from jail again. Or the hospital.”
“Adam…” I hesitate, “I appreciate what you’re doing.” He tries to brush me off, but this matters, what he’s doing means a lot. “You don’t have to do any of this, so I just want to say thank you.”
“Get off your soapbox.” He moves toward the door, but stops mid stride. “This might surprise you, Max, but we care about you.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, uncomfortable but relieved. “Just one more thing. Don’t tell Hayley where I am.”
“Sorry, Max. If she asks, I’ll tell her. So be a man about it and answer the door if she comes looking for you. She deserves that much from you since you’ve stripped her of making her own choices.”
And just like that, Adam strips me of my own manhood, while revoking my man card in the process.
I rifle through the car nervously and pull out the books Dee bought while at the signing to occupy my mind. I don’t know what’s going on—Adam didn’t want to go in to detail on the phone. All I know is that something’s wrong with Max. He’s hurt, he’s in trouble – I don’t know. What I do know is that something is wrong and I’m not there for him.
Instead, I’ve been flirting with topless men, or rather a topless man. It doesn’t matter, guilt and fear consume me. I tap my foot on the floorboard while my hand pulls and twists at my hair, all the while willing Dee to drive faster.
“Read ‘Something Sweet’,” she tells me, breaking my trance.
I stare back at her blankly, not comprehending what she just said.
“My friend, Mary, wrote it.” She shuffles through the books on my lap and sets a book with a gorgeous cover on top. “You’ll like it.”
She’s thinking it’ll keep me from jumping out of the car. Maybe I should have taken a plane back home. The trip would have been quicker. Of course, on another note, the flight could have been hours from when we actually left Tampa and I’d be pacing the airport like a lunatic until someone handcuffed me and took me in for questioning. Riding in the car is better.
I open up ‘Something Sweet’ and focus on the words until they make sense. Within seconds, I’m fully immersed in Ainsley and Gresyon’s lives and, well, hello Greyson’s abs! I feel my lips curve into a smile while my stomach settles as I live vicariously through my new literary friends, until, well until...
Men! Typical men! I grunt loudly and slam the book shut, making Dee laugh out loud.
“Keep reading, Hayley.” The patience in her voice is the only thing keeping me from throwing the book at her face. That and the fact that she’s driving and a book to her face may cause an accident which would only prolong our arrival back to Ft. Lauderdale.
“But-”
“Take a deep breath,” she interrupts, “and keep reading.”
I do as she says, quickly flipping through the pages as I engross myself in the story again. The trip back home is quieter, but just as quick. Luckily for me, I finish reading ‘Something Sweet’ fifteen miles from Dee’s home.
I look over at my friend and smile. “What else you got?”
“Lee’s books, but you’ve read them already.”
“You have Alec?” I go through her books and squeal when I find Alec. He is so hot and thick! Or at least his book is thick. Although I’m sure Alec is pretty thick himself. “Think Lee would mind if I dry humped him?”
“I’d mind!” She snatches the book away from me and secures him between her legs. The slut!
Unable to sit still, I shuffle through the radio stations, never staying on one station for long. Normally, this drives Dee insane but today she leaves me to it, only reminding me of why we’re almost home in the first place. Any other time and she’d be swatting my hand away to make sure I leave the radio on one station, but today she knows I need the constant distraction.
Max, my wounded sun. Bright and beautiful, but jaded from life.
I let him push me away a couple days ago, but I’ve decided I’m not staying away. I need him in my life. I need to know he’s okay. I need to know he still loves me. And I need to know what happened in his life that’s left him so jaded.
And if he doesn’t love me? Tough shit—I’m not giving him much of a choice in the matter.
I storm into Dee’s house, ready to give him the lecture of a lifetime only to find him gone. Apparently, he took off as soon as he heard I was coming back.
“He got the crap beat out of him pretty bad and he didn’t want you to see him like that,” Adam explains as I glare at him with my arms folded across of my chest.
“Stupid, arrogant, pigheaded, dipshit!”
“Shit!” Josie squeals. Of course, that’s the word she clings on to. “Shit, shit, shit!” Dee puts her hand over Josie’s mouth but it’s no use. Josie’s found a new favorite word and she can be pretty relentless when something entertains her.
“If you’ll stop teaching my daughter swear words, I’ll tell you what’s going on.”
I impatiently motion with my hands for Adam to talk as I sit there silently, my mouth going wider with every word out of his mouth.
Max left me, but he left me with almost every penny he had so he could continue to take care of me even when he wasn’t around. That beautiful, pigheaded, arrogant, thoughtful, dipshit. The last couple days haven’t been kind to him, and it’s all because he wants to protect me from himself.
From him! He’s the one who’s going to need protection and i
t’s going to be from me. The Jackass.
Rather than talking it out like normal human beings in a relationship, he runs away from me. I get running, I really do, but I’m not letting him run away from me anymore. I’m not letting him run away from us. Not ever again. We’re in this—whatever this is—together. I don’t understand what he wants to protect me from, but I’m hell bent on making him aware that I’m more than capable of taking care of myself and him. I want to take care of him—you know, after I beat him into oblivion for breaking my heart.
After a quick goodbye that leaves Josie pouting, I get in my car and head to the address Adam gave me. I try to listen to music but my mind is buzzing so loudly, I can’t hear anything else. I hadn’t realized he’d given me all of his money, but I really shouldn’t be surprised. Feeling my eyes water and my mouth dry, I turn down the air conditioner, fully intending on blaming both on the cold air blowing in my face. I clear my throat and try to focus on the task at hand rather than the guilt I feel for letting Max push me away. Worry only leads to premature grey hairs, like I need them. Insomnia I can deal with, but not the damn greys.
I clutch onto the steering wheel as my mind continues to reel at thoughts of Max. My Max, who is always thinking of ways to spoil me. Sometimes it seems like I’m his first and last thought and everything in between. I drive on autopilot and allow my mind to zone out to thoughts of Max.
“You know you can take the blindfold off and I still won’t know where we’re going,” I complain although I secretly love the mystery behind our early morning drive.
I hear Max laugh beside me and feel my heart warm when he takes my hand and squeezes it.
“Almost there,” he says for the third time since we left our apartment.
“A hint?” I say again, practically jumping in my seat on the passenger side of Max’s car. “Just one hint.”
He sighs and I smile, knowing I’ve won this little battle. “You think you’ve seen the sunrise, but never quite like this.”
“Okay, Riddler. That wasn’t helpful at all.” I pout while I mull over his words.
