Spies on Bikes

by Dennis Forster

  ‘Emily was right then, he was speaking Gaelic?’

  ‘Emily was right, sir. The mystery language he was speaking was Garlic.’

  ‘Walt Disney was someone at the railway station?’

  ‘Yes, sir. Mickey Mouse said,’ – the Sergeant took out his note book – ‘Mickey Mouse said, “I have Pluto with me.” Walt Disney said, “Has Pluto brought feathers for Donald Duck’s nest?” Mickey Mouse said, “The good news is he’s brought enough feathers to make two nests.” Walt Disney said, “When might Donald Duck expect the feathers?” Mickey Mouse said, “This morning.” Walt Disney said, “Thank you, Mickey Mouse.” Mickey Mouse said, “Thank you, Walt Disney.” Then they laughed.’

  ‘It has to be O’Neil, sir,’ said Bert. ‘I saw him in the phone box and the time fits. We’ve got him.’

  ‘The Gaelic speaker was speaking from the call box at the crossroads?’

  ‘Emily said he was, sir. How she knows which wires to plug into which holes beats me. She’s an amazing woman.’

  ‘Lord Frederick’s men are keeping an eye on O’Neil. When they report we’ll have a better idea of what’s going on. Bert, take the good Sergeant to see Phyllis.’

  ‘Phyllis?’

  ‘The Hall’s cook.’

  ‘Is she married?’

  ‘Don’t you go being unfaithful to my Emily,’ said Bert. ‘She’s a soft spot for you. You’re a lucky man, you are.’

  ‘Am I?’ said the sergeant patting his uniform pockets.

  ‘Lost something?’ said Sir Charles.

  ‘My handcuffs.’

  ‘Left them locked on a bedpost, if I know Emily,’ said Bert. ‘I know what she likes and I know what she’s like. Tut! Tut! And you a police sergeant. Your lot locks up folk for doing things like that. Don’t blush, man, you’re not a bairn.’

  10

  ‘We are condoning murder,’ said Lady Elizabeth.

  ‘It was a childish prank,’ said Sir Charles.

  ‘They knew what they were doing. My grandson is a murderer. It’s all Hitler’s fault.’

  ‘I disagree. The boys are not killers.’

  ‘Jack would kill Germans.’

  ‘It is my view that they aimed to give the Nazis no more than an upset stomach, make them vomit for a few hours, that’s all. From what Marigold said the Germans stole the mushrooms. Their greed may have saved our grandson’s life and Jack’s.’

  ‘You and I both know that George knows which mushrooms to pick and which to leave alone.’

  ‘He would not be the first mushroom picker to have made a mistake. Until we speak to the boys I am assuming they are innocent. Harry and Marigold will track them down. If it comes to war it will be legal to kill Germans.’

  ‘You make it sound as if we should give them medals.’

  ‘Nobody should be given a medal for killing another human being.’

  ‘You were.’

  ‘I accepted the VC because I’m a coward. Brave on the battlefield but terrified to upset the regiment’s top brass by refusing the honour. If the law made it possible for me to relinquish my title I’d go into parliament as a Labour MP.’

  ‘I wouldn’t let you.’

  11

  ‘A member of the Hitler Youth is demanding to see you, sir,’ said Bert. ‘He’s not under the influence. He says he’s Fritz’s brother. Name’s Gunther.’

  ‘I wonder if he plays the violin.’

  ‘If he does, sir, it’ll be Wagner.’

  ‘A nasty Nazi, is he?’

  ‘Straight out of the text book, sir.’

  ‘Show the wee laddie in, Bert.’

  ‘Heil Hitler,’ said Gunther. ‘Where is my brother?’

  ‘In hospital.’

  ‘My brother is going to die?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘He did not eat the poison mushrooms?’

  ‘Just the magic ones that make a chap blab. When Bert and I put him in the ambulance he was sounding potty.’

  ‘Potty?’

  ‘Not talking sense … going on about all the Irish people he knows.’

  ‘Fritz does not know any Irish.’

  ‘Are you saying your brother was lying?’

  ‘It is the magic mushrooms talking, not my brother. Two of my friends are dead. The Herr Doctor says some of those who are sick may die. You have poisoned us. You are murderers. The boys wanted us to take the mushrooms.’

  ‘The boys?’

  ‘The two boys who live here. They are watching us all the time. The first lot of mushrooms I was not meant to steal. The second lot of mushrooms I was meant to steal. I know this now.’

  ‘Good God, man, how many mushrooms have you stolen? Can you not collect your own?’

  ‘The boys were cooking the killer mushrooms to tempt us. They were not going to eat them. When my friends went to say, how do you do, they ran away.’

  ‘So your pals helped themselves and, in so doing, fatally poisoned two of their friends and made others very sick. Thank God you stopped the boys eating them.’

  ‘I tell you, they were not going to eat them. I know. They are murderers. They, how do you say, set us up?’

  ‘Are you seriously suggesting that two English school boys outsmarted the Hitler Youth?’

  ‘The one with the limp is a poor specimen. The Fuhrer would have him eliminated.’

  ‘The young man you have referred to as a “poor specimen” is my grandson.’

  ‘I know. He told me when I took the mushrooms I was not meant to take. His friend fired an arrow at me. Look! I have a scar. The Fuhrer says a good German stands up for himself. If he is attacked he fights back.’

  ‘I’ve met Herr Hitler, you know.’

  ‘You have met the Fuhrer?’

  ‘Once had a cup of tea with the great man. Or, rather, I had tea and he had water.’

  ‘The Fuhrer does not drink.’

  ‘He drinks water.’

  ‘He does not drink stimulating beverages … that is what I meant. He does not have the need. I have never met the Fuhrer. You were impressed?’

  ‘Very, a most interesting human being. Never met anyone like him.’

  ‘The Fuhrer is special, ja?’

  ‘Oh, very, as I said, I’ve never met anyone like him.’

  ‘You are one of the English who think Germany and England should be friends? You are not like Mr Churchill?’

  ‘Absolutely. The last thing I want is for England and Germany to start knocking each other’s blocks off.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘I want us to be friends. No more wars, eh? Now, about these nasty mushrooms your friends have been eating, I’m sure we can sort something out.’

  ‘You can bring back the dead?’

  ‘Sadly, no, but I do think before chaps go around accusing George and Jack of murder it would be a good idea to hear their side of the story.’

  ‘You do not know where they are?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘When you find them, you will tell me?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I will make them eat the mushrooms they made my friends eat.’

  ‘That would not be a good idea.’

  ‘You will stop me?’

  ‘Yes. This is England, Gunther. We have laws. By the by, do you know your country has invaded Poland?’

  ‘I did not know, but I am not surprised. Poland belongs to Germany. Many Poles speak German. If you declare war on Germany, these,’ picking up Sir Charles’ drawing of the masts, ‘will not help you. The Fuhrer knows all about England’s secret weapon. The Fuhrer has many secret weapons. You will take me in one of your motor cars to the hospital to see my brother.’

  ‘You have a bicycle: use it. See him off the premises, Bert.’

  12

  �
��Has he gone?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘Do sit down, Bert, we need to talk. Tea, or something stronger?’

  His question being rhetorical, Sir Charles set about mixing two Rusty Nails.

  ‘That should help put Hitler in his place. You know, Bert, I’m always worried Lady Elizabeth leaves the Church of England and gets the Methodist bug.’

  ‘Her ladyship would never do that, sir.’

  ‘One never knows. Life is so unpredictable. I mean, who would have thought that after the war to end wars we are once again teetering on the brink; which brings me to what I want to talk to you about. You know that England is preparing for war?’

  ‘Even the three wise monkeys knows something is up, sir, what with gas masks and the army all over the place. Everyone’s waiting to see what happens.’

  ‘We all are. What I’m about to tell you, it goes without saying, goes no further. Mum’s the word, Bert.’

  ‘Mum’s the word, sir.’

  ‘To what use do you think the army is putting the Vicarage?’

  ‘I’ve been told, sir … the gossip, sir, is that the soldiers stationed there have been seen mucking around with the local signposts. Everything’s pointing the wrong way.’

  ‘It’s to confuse the enemy.’

  ‘Parachutists?’

  ‘Yes, a fifth column, the IRA, who knows? Now, to the point. The Vicarage, Bert, is not army; it is MI5. The chap in charge is Colonel Eckford … not his real name, nor is he a real colonel. He’s a rather eccentric boffin. When you’re talking to him, he practises spin bowling. Loves his cricket. Drives around in an army staff car, lady driver; clever fellow. He doesn’t shoot. I’ve heard he’s a vegetarian.’

  ‘What’s one of them, sir?’

  ‘He doesn’t eat meat.’

  ‘Well, I’m blow’d. Takes all sorts. I don’t know why I should be surprised, after all the things I seen in the trenches, but I am. Doesn’t eat meat, eh?’

  ‘He’s a wizz with radio and electrical bits and bobs. The more I hear about him the more pleased I am that he’s on our side. When it comes to winning a war, Bert, brains are as important as bombs. Earlier this year I attended secret meetings in London. On the agenda, Bert … What does Britain need to win? To win, Bert, our country needs to know what the enemy is up to. Under the pretext of bringing our Cottage Hospital’s electrical wiring into the twentieth century, Colonel Eckford and his men have installed listening devices in certain wards and rooms. I might add that the regular medical staff, including senior staff such as Mr Crozier, are not privy to these installations. MI5 take the view that the fewer people who know about them, the better.’

  ‘His Majesty’s secrets are safe with me, sir.’

  ‘I know they are, Bert.’

  ‘I was wondering, sir, why money was been spent on our Cottage Hospital. No one’s ever been keen to spend money on it before. And the Vicarage is next door to the hospital.’

  ‘You catch on quick, Bert. In the event of war, the plan is to bring wounded German prisoners who we think might know things we want to know up North, patch them up, make them feel snug and safe and while they are tucked up in bed listen in to their bedtime stories.’

  ‘The people doing the listening will be in the Vicarage?’

  ‘Yes. Colonel Eckford tells me the system has been tried and tested. It works. The “special” ward is run by army medics. I have arranged for all the sick Germans to be transferred to this ward. When Gunther meets his brother, we will be able to eavesdrop on everything they say. A much more civilised way of finding out what the enemy is thinking, Bert, than using the rack, don’t you think?’

  ‘They’ll be speaking German, sir.’

  ‘Bert, Colonel Eckford’s men speak German – that is their job. Your job will be to liaise between The Hall and the Vicarage. With Lord Frederick out of action, I’m taking charge of keeping an eye on the Hitler Youth.’

  ‘And the Irish?’

  ‘Them as well.’

  ‘And the Americans?’

  ‘Them too.’

  ‘You are going to need lots of “eyes”, sir.’

  ‘And that’s just what we have, Bert. Lord Frederick’s men are all over the place.’

  ‘The road diggers, sir?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And the gypsy caravan?’

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘Lots of tramps around as well, sir. I spotted one cleaning a pair of binoculars.’

  ‘That was careless. Let us hope that the Hitler Youth are not as eagle-eyed as your good self. When you were showing young Gunther out, I phoned the Vicarage. The boffins sounded excited at the prospect of doing the real thing.’

  ‘Wouldn’t it be interesting, sir if we heard the young Nazis say bad things about Hitler.’

  ‘It would indeed, Bert. But I don’t think that is very likely. I will be most interested to hear what Gunther has to say to his brother. If I have played my cards right, Gunther now suspects Fritz of blabbing to the enemy.’

  13

  ‘Boys,’ said Lady Elizabeth, ‘I’m so glad you are safe. If you have done horrid things to the Hitler Youth that does not give them the right to do horrid things to you. Two wrongs never did and never will make a right. Please remove your camouflage. When I am talking to you I wish to see your faces. It is disconcerting talking to foliage. You smell of the ditch. When did you last bathe? Charles, look at them.’

  ‘Where did you find them?’ said Sir Charles.

  ‘They found us,’ said Marigold.

  ‘Gave me quite a fright,’ said Harry.

  ‘George,’ said Lady Elizabeth,’ sneaking up on people is not funny. And you, Jack, you are older than George, you should know better.’

  ‘They were sneaking up on us,’ said Jack.

  ‘We were the better sneakers,’ said George. ‘That’s all. We won.’

  ‘And you, Harry,’ continued Lady Elizabeth, ‘your bags, at the knees, are dirty.’

  ‘It’s from crawling into the boys’ den.’

  ‘Why did you do that? You are not a school boy.’

  ‘They wanted to show me these.’

  From his pockets Harry took out two Lugers.

  ‘We knew from watching that there was something different about this tent, didn’t we, George?’ said Jack.

  ‘It was apart from all the other tents,’ said George, ‘under a tree. The Nazis would go to this tent and come out with bags of soil.’

  ‘Not bags, exactly. They used blankets to carry the soil. Two of them to a blanket. They dumped the soil behind bushes. When they started to take poorly, that’s when we got into the tent.’

  ‘They were so busy vomiting, they never noticed us. That’s when Jack took down their flag and put up the Star of David flag. We made it out of a pillow case. In the tent we found a hole.’

  ‘It was big enough to bury a body.’

  ‘It looked like a grave.’

  ‘We know what they are doing.’

  ‘They are burying guns and explosives.’

  ‘The guns are wrapped in oilskin.’

  ‘How many guns are in the hole?’ said Sir Charles.

  ‘Hundreds,’ said George.

  ‘I counted them,’ said Jack; ‘there are twenty.’

  ‘There was more.’

  ‘Twenty, I counted them.’

  ‘You might have missed some. You had to count awful fast.’

  ‘And explosives?’ said Sir Charles.

  ‘There were German hand grenades,’ said Jack.

  ‘They looked like tins of beans stuck on wooden handles,’ said George. ‘Jack said they were hand grenades.’

  ‘They are hand grenades.’

  ‘The handles,’ said Sir Charles, ‘allow them to be thrown a long way.’

 
‘Farther than our hand grenades?’ said George.

  ‘Yes, much farther.’

  ‘Why don’t we put handles on our hand grenades?’

  ‘Pride.’

  ‘Who are the weapons for? Why are they burying them?’

  ‘I suspect they are for the Irish bombers.’

  ‘The people who blew up the Assembly Rooms?’

  ‘If they are for the Irish nationalists,’ said Marigold, ‘what are the Irish giving the Germans?’

  ‘The satisfaction of knowing,’ said Harry, ‘that if it comes to war they have armed a force hostile to HMG; imagine a sky full of German paratroopers. When they land the Irish will be armed and ready to help them. Good God, the country is done for. Uncle Charles, what are we going to do?’

  ‘Questions, questions,’ said Lady Elizabeth. ‘The question I want the boys to ask is, “Where is the bathroom?”.

  ‘We know where the bathroom is,’ said Jack. ‘Don’t we, George?’

  ‘Before you go and wash,’ said Sir Charles, ‘I want both of you to listen to what I have to say. Germany has invaded Poland. If His Majesty’s Government honours its treaty with that country, then Britain will declare war on Germany. If that happens the young Nazis camping in the Meadow Field will be our enemies.’

  ‘Will I be able to kill them?’ said Jack.

  ‘No, definitely not. They will become prisoners of war. CB will be in charge of locking them up. These fellows are in an ugly mood. Rightly or wrongly they think you poisoned them. You do realise that two of the Hitler Youth are dead?’

  ‘Because of the mushrooms?’ said George.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘We only wanted to give them bad tummies.’

  ‘When you were not looking, George,’ said Jack, ‘I picked a Death Cap. I chopped it small. I fried it with the bacon. I do not care if they die. I want them to die. I am glad they are dead.’

  ‘You laid a trap for them?’ said Sir Charles.

  ‘It only worked because they were greedy.’

  ‘What I am going to say next is an order, do you understand? You do not have a choice. You are to stay inside The Hall. If the Hitler Youth get their hands on you I fear for your lives. I do not think you understand the danger you are in. For the moment there will be no more sleeping out under the stars. You sleep inside. When Mike returns with the Americans I will tell him to keep an eye on you. This is not a game. So far in England we have been protected from Nazi atrocities. What you did, Jack, was wrong. I understand why you did it, but it was wrong.’