Vice

by Rosanna Leo

  No one needed to know she went home each night and touched herself, trying to recapture some small wisp of their time together. Only then did she permit herself to remember how his stubble teased her inner thigh, and how hot and sweet his mouth tasted.

  She stood at the bus stop and remembered how right it felt to love Liam’s fingers tangled in her hair. Lost in thought, she almost missed the man pacing a few meters away. Accustomed to making room for homeless people on the sidewalk, she automatically stepped back as he approached.

  Only then did she recognize the auburn hair under his worn hat and that cocky gait.

  “Katie-bug.” Her father grinned. “I’ve been worried sick about you.”

  Kate’s lip curled as if of its own volition. “Have you? It would be the first time.”

  Louis kicked at a beer can next to the bus stop and watched the stale contents drip onto the sidewalk.

  “You sent a loan shark to my home, Dad,” Kate said. “He beat me up. He punched me and kicked me and threatened to rape me. Did you know he’d do it?”

  Louis’s face fell, no doubt noticing her faded bruises for the first time. Of course, he’d feel badly. Just not badly enough to do something about it. “Oh, shit. Hugo promised not to get rough. I’m so sorry, Katie.”

  “You’re not sorry for anything,” she shouted, not caring if the people walking across the street could hear her. “You’re only sorry I didn’t give him the money!”

  He looked around her but avoided her direct gaze. “Will you…give him the money?”

  “I can’t fucking believe you!”

  “Watch your language, miss.”

  She refrained from laughing. Her father might have many sins, but he’d always been a stickler when it came to his daughter cussing. To him, women swearing ranked right up there with murder. “Oh, right, because my language is the real issue here.” She shook her head. “Have you been following me? Did you trail me today just to find out if I have the cash?”

  “I’ve been watching your apartment here and there. You were gone for a while.”

  “Yeah. I should have stayed away, too.”

  He drew nearer, his face torn by urges he barely understood. “Katie, I never meant for this to happen. The gambling. Your mom. None of it.”

  She reached for his hand, noticing how he flinched. It had probably been some time since someone touched him. “Will you let me get you help, Dad? Because I will take you to Gamblers Anonymous right now. I will do whatever it takes, but you have to want it.”

  For a second, he looked tempted, or at least defeated. But then, with disappointing swiftness, he pulled his hand out of hers. “You don’t understand. No one does. I’m in too deep.”

  “It’s never too late.”

  “Katie, the only way you can help me now is by giving me the money. I can’t go to any meetings if I’m dead.” He stared at her, his gaze almost heartless as he eyed her pearls. “Maybe if you sold some things, like your choker. Your mom got that from her grandmother. I could get a good price for an antique necklace like that.”

  Her last shred of hope for him died when he suggested pawning the only memento she had of her mother, his own wife. Had he forgotten her completely? If not, he’d shelved her memory, unable to deal with it. Unable to accept the part he’d played. For him, denial really was just a river in Egypt.

  She offered him a sad smile, and did something she never thought she’d do. She reached behind her neck, unclasped the necklace, and handed it to him.

  He snatched it out of her hands and thrust it into his pocket as if someone were watching. “You were always a good kid, Katie. I know you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you I was proud of you, but I am. You won’t regret helping me. I just have to do this one thing and then I’ll get help. I promise.”

  She might as well have been listening to a tape recording of him. “Dad, listen to me. We’re done. I never want to hear from you again. Ever. I hope you get help. I really do, but it can’t come from me anymore. You don’t have a daughter anymore, and I don’t have a father.”

  Louis pulled the pearl necklace out of his pocket. For a moment, she thought he was going to give it back, but he shoved it back into his pocket. He rubbed his mouth, turned and walked down the street.

  As he turned the corner, Kate whispered, “Goodbye, Dad.”

  Hugo Vaughan had clearly been paid. Or so Kate assumed. After all, he’d never come back to collect. Whatever price her dad got for the choker, it must have fit the bill to cover his debts. She wasn’t sure her mom had ever had the pearls appraised, but she knew the necklace was old and in impeccable condition. She didn’t have to work for Antiques Roadshow to know it cost a mint.

  It was probably the first time she’d wasted a thought on Vaughan since leaving Liam. In a way, she had almost expected the loan shark to show up at her door, demanding more cash. She just hadn’t cared. He could come if he wanted. Hell, he could stay for tea and biscuits.

  It didn’t matter because every moment away from Liam seemed to ensconce her further down in the hole she kept calling rock bottom, a place she now hated with all her might. She worried about ever being able to claw her way out.

  One bright spot was her new job at Percolate, a quaint coffee shop that catered to hipsters and hipster wannabes. She’d walked into the shop, talking a big talk about providing them with some much-needed musical entertainment. The place served great coffee but was far too serious. The manager had offered her a job as a clerk instead, saying she could sing after her shift serving up coffees for tips.

  Granted, it wasn’t anywhere close to being her dream job, and it certainly paled in comparison to crooning love songs at Decadence, but for now it would have to do. She’d answered ads for every entertainment-related position in the city, but none had panned out. This wasn’t such a bad deal. The clerk job offered a bit of money and a whole lot of brain-numbing repetitive work, and at least she could keep her pipes warmed up with the hour of singing she did after the shift.

  As she prepared for her shift, she noticed a newspaper lying on the break table. Taking a closer look, she almost gasped. Left open to the entertainment pages, the photo showed Liam surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women at Vice, each of them looking at him with adoration. She looked at the date on the paper and saw it was only one day old.

  A stabbing pain assaulted her heart. “Well, you seem to have moved on.”

  Someone crept up behind her. Her peripheral vision caught a glimpse of blond dreadlocks and piercings. Cynthia, her nineteen-year-old coworker, motioned toward the article. “Liam Doyle, huh? Fuck me. I would totally let that man shave my pussy.”

  Kate turned to her, frowning. “Uh…”

  Cynthia turned to her. “What? You’ve never let a man shave you before? It’s super-hot.”

  Kate bit her lip, remembering how much Liam loved playing down there. She decided to keep that juicy memory to herself. “Too much information, that’s all.”

  Cynthia picked up the paper. “Hey, did you hear that guy just…”

  “Actually, I’d rather not hear about Liam Doyle. Please.” She tried not to look like she was a simpleton.

  The girl shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

  Feeling lower than ever, Kate adjusted her T-shirt, pasted on a smile and took her station at the counter. Luckily the shop was dead and she didn’t have to face anyone right now. She grabbed a wet cloth and proceeded to clean, mentally reviewing her set list of songs for the end of her shift.

  The idea of Liam cavorting with socialites made her stomach lurch. Kate took deep breaths and tried to concentrate on her work, sorting prepackaged bags of fair-trade brew. Someone had mixed up the decaf with the strong Columbian and she set about restoring order to the display. The writing on the coffee bags began to blur from her tears. She blinked them away.

  You were a fool to think you
could be part of his world.

  “Hey.”

  Kate jumped at the soft voice next to her and turned. Kate’s eyes widened when she saw Lisa at the counter, Georgie and Sarah at her side. Georgie ran around the counter and hugged her, almost making her burst into tears again, but she held it back so as not to startle the poor kid.

  Georgie sniffed her work shirt and said, “Auntie Kate, you smell like Grandma after she comes back from bingo.”

  Kate let out a laugh, even as Lisa scolded him for the comparison. “You’re right, George.” Cynthia always smoked out back on her breaks but the smell managed to cling to Kate’s clothes anyway.

  Lisa turned to her daughter and handed her some change. “Sarah, take your brother and go get a chocolate bar next door.”

  The girl grabbed her little brother by his collar and hurried out.

  “So,” said Lisa, sighing.

  “So.”

  “I, um, thought I saw you from outside. Thought I’d grab a coffee.”

  Kate nodded and poured Lisa her usual black brew. She handed it over. “How are you?”

  Lisa took the cup and rummaged in her pocket for change, letting out a puff of air. “We’re okay. Day by day, right?” She handed over some change.

  “Yup.” She ground the toe of her Keds into the floor.

  Lisa put down the cup. “Look. Rod said something about you being attacked. Is it true?”

  She nodded, not wanting to say more.

  “Oh, Kate.” Lisa’s voice quavered. “I’m sorry.”

  Her head bobbed up and down. “I’m sorry, too.”

  They hugged and Kate finally gave into her grief and her fear and cried on Lisa’s shoulder. After a couple of minutes, Lisa wrangled herself from their hold and looked at her. “Please tell me Liam Doyle wasn’t the one who hit you. Because I will kill him.”

  “No. Not him. Never him.” She gulped back bile. “I love him, Lisa.”

  Her friend sighed, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “So I see.” She narrowed her eyes and peered at her neck. “Where are your pearls?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “Well, I think it’s time for a catch up session. Come for a coffee, or something stronger, after your shift?”

  She managed a grin. “I’d really like that.”

  Lisa kissed her on the cheek, and just like that, some of the weight that had been holding Kate down lifted. She felt she could breathe again. They said a few more words before the kids bounded back inside, eager to return home so they could play videogames. Lisa smiled and said goodbye. Kate waved as they left.

  She turned back to the packages of coffee and decided they looked just fine as they were.

  Lisa handed her what had to be her seventeenth cup of coffee that day, after stirring in cream and two heaping teaspoons of sugar. Kate waited a moment, stared at the mug, and then added another teaspoon of the sweet stuff.

  Her friend giggled. “I see we’re back on sugar.”

  “Sugar and I were never meant to be apart.” She stirred the hot beverage and licked the spoon, enjoying the tingle on her tongue. “Have you seen Donny?”

  Lisa nodded. “When he rushed over to tell me about you and Doyle, he acted pretty excited to be at home. Personally, I think he was just happy seeing someone take the heat for once.”

  Kate put her hand on Lisa’s arm. “But then he disappeared again?”

  Lisa gave a short laugh, though it lacked in humor. “Actually, no. Even though I was angry at you, I read him the riot act for trying to get someone else in trouble just to try and get me on his side. We talked. For a long time. I mean really talked.”

  “You did?”

  Lisa nodded. “At first it was the same old song and dance. He was just trying to ‘protect’ me by pointing out what a shitty friend you were. Sorry, his words.”

  Kate smiled. “That’s okay.”

  “But then he just went on this crazy rant. Talking about how he hated the world for messing up his life. Our lives. He blamed Doyle, he blamed you, he blamed the security guard who threw him out. He blamed me, and the kids, and my mom. He blamed his boss for not giving him a raise, and his co-workers for undermining him. Then he blamed his car for breaking down and the mechanic for ripping him off. And I think it was around that time he realized he was blaming just about everyone he knew. Except himself.”

  Kate said nothing, but her eyes widened.

  “It just sort of hit him. Like he’d seen himself in a mirror for the first time. I think that’s when he realized he was the one who messed up our lives.”

  “Wow. That’s sort of huge.”

  “I know. He broke down after that. Cried for over an hour. That’s when we really talked, and for the first time ever he seemed to listen. He’s agreed to get help.”

  “Oh, Lisa. That’s such a big step. I’m really happy for you.”

  “I don’t have illusions. I know it’ll be a long road. But I want to help him, and more importantly, he wants to as well. We’re all seeing a family therapist, and he’s started going to Gam-Anon. I think we’ll get past this, and for once I don’t feel like I’m fooling myself.”

  They quietly shared their coffee for a time. Kate was still somewhat skeptical about her friend’s husband, but Lisa didn’t need to hear that right now. She didn’t want to tear down all her hopes. But Donny had accepted responsibility, which was more than her father ever did. Maybe there was hope for them after all.

  Tired of the silence, Lisa changed the subject back to Kate. “So about you and Doyle?”

  She gave her coffee one more, absentminded stir, watching the little whorls dissipate. “I don’t know. Liam was just…too much for me. Too much money. Too much intensity. Too much sex.”

  Lisa looked doubtful. “Um, just for the record, there’s no such thing as too much sex.”

  Kate grinned. “There is when it’s all you do. Don’t get me wrong. It was good. Shouting-from-the-rooftops good. But our whole relationship was based on this bizarre attraction. I don’t know if it ever had the potential to get deeper than that. Liam’s been hurting for so long, has lost so much in his life. He said he didn’t want to lose me, but I think he’s just terrified of losing anything. It’s as if he built this empire of…stuff.” She wrinkled her nose. “And there’s the whole casino thing. How can I ever get past that?”

  “Maybe you don’t need to.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s his work, not his life. Maybe you just come to an agreement that you never talk work.”

  “No. I don’t want to censor him. Besides, casinos are his life. He practically lives in one.”

  Lisa tugged at her bottom lip. “Right. The fancy suite with the mile-long fireplace. How could I forget?” The look on her face made it clear she’d already imagined the fantasy suite in minute detail. “Look, Kate, I’m hardly one to lecture another person on choosing a partner. Look at the situation I’m in. But you admitted you and Liam love each other, and I’ve never seen you cry over anyone before. You’ve always been the one to help others with their relationships. I think this thing with Liam runs deeper than you know.”

  Kate shook her head. Was she ready for something that deep? Was he? Not if that newspaper was any indication.

  “He already made strides. Damn, you said he dropped the custody suit. Doesn’t that prove the man is trying to change?”

  It seemed like eons ago. Even though she’d been mostly asleep, she remembered feeling such pride, such relief, on his behalf.

  But she knew full well people didn’t really change. Look at her father. Look at any number of the other addicts she’d known. She wanted Donny to be the one to prove her wrong, but it didn’t mean she wouldn’t reserve her judgment. She’d learned long ago it was easier to change her reactions than to compel others to seek help. And where she couldn’t a
ffect change, she left.

  There was something to be said for keeping one’s sanity.

  “Kate?”

  She gave Lisa half a smile. “I can’t ask Liam to give up his career for me. I won’t. It’s better if I just forget him.”

  Even as she said the words, they hung at the back of her throat.

  Forget him. Ha. It would be easier to forget her own name.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “I’m not sure I can do this,” Kate said on her way into her first New Horizons meeting in weeks.

  Lisa rallied behind her. “Of course you can.” She steered her friend to one of the well-worn chairs. “Honesty is the best policy, right?”

  “Right.” She took a deep breath and watched as Rod started the meeting, welcoming new members. After the initial icebreakers, he opened the floor to anyone who wanted to share. Audrey spoke first, updating the group on her struggles with her boyfriend, and then a couple of new members shared their stories.

  After thirty odd minutes, Rod turned to Kate with a smile. “It’s good to see you back. The floor’s yours if you want it, Kate.”

  “I’d like that.” She folded her hands in her lap, looking down. “As some of you know, I recently had a…relationship with Liam Doyle, the owner of the Vice casino. I’m not going to apologize for that. That’s a whole other story. I do have to apologize for something else, though. When I started this group, I told you all that I’d cut my dad out of my life. The truth was, I’d been enabling him for years, sending him money. It killed me to do it, but I couldn’t stop. I was so scared to cut him off. Afraid of what might happen.”

  “It’s never easy,” Lisa said.

  “No. But I got help from an unlikely source. Believe it or not, it was Liam Doyle who helped me to be strong. And even though I’m not seeing him anymore, I’ll always be grateful to him for that. But that doesn’t change the past. I’m sorry I lied to you all.”

  The room grew silent. A couple of the members traded looks.

  Kate stood up. “I’d understand if you want me to leave.”