A Thousand Cuts

by Simon Lelic

  After that, TJ gave Maggie a whack every time she and Samuel were both in the room. To the point where Maggie wouldn’t get up before TJ did. Although even then TJ would feint or spin or lunge so that he always managed to get a hand to her. She’d shout at him, yell at him to knock it off but it was a game for TJ after that, you see, which means it was a competition, which means he always had to win. And he did win. If you watched Samuel’s face when it happened you could see that every time was like another defeat. He didn’t react, not outwardly, but that’s exactly my point. TJ was taunting him and he thought Maggie was taunting him and he could only put up with it for so long. The Donovan thing, I’m not saying that wasn’t part of it, I mean it was hard for Samuel, the entire situation, but the thing with the kids, that was just a fuse. He shot Donovan but only on his way to the stage. He was trying to shoot TJ. TJ or Maggie. Either way, you see my point. Samuel was in love and Samuel was betrayed and Samuel couldn’t stand it any more. It’s the oldest story in the book.

  .

  ‘I’ve had enough.’

  ‘Lucia.’

  ‘I’ve made up my mind.’

  ‘Lucia.’

  ‘I mean it, Philip. I never should have joined in the first place.’

  ‘Then we never would have met. Which means you and Nabokov never would have met. Which means you would still be reading crime novels. Police procedurals. Whodunnits.’

  ‘I still read crime novels.’

  ‘No you don’t.’

  ‘I do. I read Ian Rankin and Patricia Cornwell and Colin Dexter and I’ve even read The Da Vinci Code.’

  ‘Lucia!’

  ‘And I enjoyed it too.’

  Philip took hold of Lucia’s elbow and guided her towards the kerb. ‘At least keep your voice down when you talk like that.’ He nodded towards the building they were passing. ‘I’m known by people in there.’

  Lucia read the sign. ‘You’re known in Sotheby’s?’

  ‘Well, no. I’m a barrister not an oil baron. But the security guards have seen me lurking and I would rather their suspicions about me were not confirmed.’ He gestured with his chin. ‘Down here.’

  They turned on to Bond Street and almost immediately Philip jerked to a halt. Lucia had taken two steps on. She stopped when she realised her companion was no longer at her side.

  ‘What’s wrong? What are you looking at?’

  ‘That suit.’

  ‘Oh.’ Lucia moved closer. ‘It’s nice.’

  ‘Not that one. The blue one, there.’

  ‘That one’s nice too.’

  ‘It’s not nice, Lucia. Look at the cut. Look at the cloth. Look at the stitching on the cuff.’

  ‘Why? What’s wrong with it?’

  ‘Nothing’s wrong with it. It’s exquisite. To describe such a thing as nice is like describing the Millennium Star as shiny.’

  ‘It’s a suit, Philip. You wear it to work.’

  Philip shook his head and turned away from the shop window. ‘This is what happens,’ he said. ‘This is what happens when you forsake literature and take Don Brown to your bedside. Your vocabulary shrinks and your taste buds wither.’

  ‘Dan. It’s Dan not Don.’

  Philip wafted his hand in the air, as though just the name carried with it a stench. ‘Is there something you’re not telling me, Lucia?’

  ‘No. What? What do you mean?’

  ‘What’s happened? Why are you suddenly talking about resigning?’

  Lucia stopped to allow a Japanese man dressed in Burberry to take a photo of his wife at the entrance to the Burberry store. Philip strode through the shot and gestured for Lucia to catch up.

  ‘You know what’s happened,’ Lucia said. ‘What’s happened has happened. It’s enough.’

  ‘You don’t agree with your boss. If that were enough, Lucia, half the workforce would be handing in their notice. It’s left here. Not far now.’

  ‘Don’t you have people to do this sort of thing for you?’

  ‘Alas,’ said Philip. ‘None of my people has the same inside leg as I do. A visit to the tailor is something I must endure myself. Although the inside-leg bit I must admit I enjoy.’

  Lucia tutted, rolled her eyes, forced a smile. They walked on in silence until Philip once again came to a halt.

  ‘What now?’ said Lucia. She turned to the shop they had been passing. In the window were lingerie and ladies’ night-wear and several unidentifiables that were predominantly fluffy and pink. ‘Or perhaps I don’t want to know.’

  ‘Let’s find somewhere to sit,’ Philip said.

  ‘Sit? What about your suit? Didn’t you say you had a meeting to get back to?’

  ‘The suit can wait. The meeting can wait. This way.’ He took Lucia’s hand and guided her back the way they had come. They crossed Bond Street and passed along a side road lined with art galleries and car showrooms until they came to Berkeley Square. They found a crossing and then a gate into the island park. The grass was yellowed and brittle and strewn with office workers, Starbucks cups and Pret A Manger carrier bags. Most of the benches were similarly occupied but Philip guided Lucia to a seat tucked in a corner and only half decorated by the birds from the trees above.

  ‘Sit,’ Philip said.

  Lucia sat.

  ‘Talk,’ Philip said.

  Lucia was silent.

  Philip glanced warily at the bird muck. He brushed a palm over the cleanest section of the seat and then checked his hand. He lowered himself close to Lucia. ‘Talk,’ he said again.

  Lucia could feel Philip’s leg against her own. His bony shoulder pressed against hers. She shuffled to her right until the arm of the bench poked against her ribs but with a glance at the mess on the bench beside him Philip followed. Lucia thought of Walter and tensed so she would not shudder. She turned her face away and found herself watching a man in a bedraggled black suit sharing crusts of bread with an equally unkempt pigeon. He threw one then ate one, then ate another and threw another.

  ‘It’s not me, Philip. I thought it was but it isn’t.’

  ‘What isn’t you? Which bit?’

  ‘All of it. The people. The work. The choices.’

  Philip laughed a weary laugh. ‘That’s life, Lucia. That’s how it is everywhere, with everything. It’s not just the police force.’

  Lucia shook her head. She sighed and looked up and found herself suddenly irritated by the clouds above. It was hot still, stifling, and the storm that threatened was like a sneeze that would not come. It was all suspense, Lucia thought. All suspense and no release.

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘It’s more than that. I was wrong. About Samuel. About the school, about the headmaster. I think I was wrong.’

  ‘You weren’t wrong.’

  ‘I think perhaps I was.’

  ‘You weren’t,’ Philip said, a conviction in his voice that Lucia craved but no longer felt.

  ‘How would you know, Philip?’ Lucia stood. She paced. ‘All you know is what I told you.’

  Philip nodded. ‘That’s right.’

  ‘So did it occur to you that I might have left something out? That I might only have told you the evidence that supported the case I was trying to make?’

  ‘Must I keep reminding you, Lucia? I’m a barrister. Of course it occurred to me.’

  ‘Well then. Exactly. So I was wrong. You don’t know that I wasn’t wrong.’

  Philip got up. He flicked a hand across his trouser leg, picked at a speck that was not there. ‘You did what we all have to do, Lucia. In any walk of life. Faced with a dilemma, we have to consider the evidence and make a judgement. I know you weren’t wrong because I trust your judgement. Perhaps not in novels but in general I trust your judgement.’

  With a gesture, Lucia batted away Philip’s attempt at humour. ‘You shouldn’t,’ she said. She continued pacing.

  ‘Lucia. I know you. You’re only questioning yourself now because it’s easier to believe you were wrong than to ignore the fact that you were right
.’

  ‘You don’t know me, Philip. You’re David’s friend really, not mine. I’ve seen you what. Twice in six months.’

  ‘That’s twice more than I’ve seen David. And he was a colleague. He became a friend by default. He became a friend because we became friends.’

  Again Lucia shook her head. ‘You don’t know what I’m thinking. You wouldn’t want to know what I’ve been thinking, why I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing.’

  ‘Tell me,’ Philip said. ‘Tell me why you think you’ve been doing what you’ve been doing.’

  Lucia stopped. She bit down hard and returned Philip’s gaze.

  ‘Tell me,’ Philip said again.

  ‘Fine,’ said Lucia. ‘I will, if you want to know. It’s because I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for the man who murdered three children. I can put myself in his situation and I can imagine doing what he did.’

  Philip did not hesitate. ‘Nonsense,’ he said.

  ‘I told you.’ Lucia resumed pacing.

  ‘You feel sorry for him. I can’t say I agree but I can empathise. That’s all though. That’s where it ends. You could never do what he did. None of us could. Maybe one person in a hundred million could do what he did.’ Philip took Lucia’s shoulder and brought her to a halt. ‘Lucia. Listen to me. It’s not pity that’s guiding your judgement on this. If I know you at all, you came to a decision in spite of how you felt, not because of it. You were right and your boss was wrong. Morally. You were right.’

  ‘He was jilted, Philip. The woman he loved dumped him and started sleeping with the bloke he despised more than anyone. There’s your motive. I didn’t mention that before, did I?’

  ‘A contributing factor,’ Philip said. ‘Nothing more. This man, why did Szajkowski despise him? Because he tormented him, am I right? And his affair with this woman. Who’s to say it wasn’t conceived as part of the same torment?’

  Lucia began to move again, three strides one way, three strides back. ‘Szajkowski’s sister,’ she said. ‘She told me about Samuel, about how cruel he could be. She told me he was a bully himself.’

  ‘Sibling rivalry,’ Philip countered. ‘Prejudicial and unsubstantiated and therefore inadmissible. Irrelevant too, probably, because all brothers fight with their sisters. Please, Lucia. Will you please stand still for just a moment?’

  Lucia stopped. She allowed Philip to reach for her hands. ‘Sarah Kingsley,’ she said. ‘The girl who died. I spoke to her father. He said something about lashing out. About twisting pain into anger. That’s me, Philip. That’s how I feel.’

  ‘He was bullied, Lucia. He was being bullied and the school knew about it and the school refused to act. It was negligent. As an employer, as an organisation responsible for the well-being of its staff, the school was negligent. Those are the facts.’

  ‘Didn’t you say, Philip? Didn’t you tell me that I was wrong? Didn’t you tell me to drop the case?’

  ‘I told you to drop the case. I never said that you were wrong.’

  ‘You should be gloating then. You should be telling me you told me so. You should be delighting in the fact that you were right.’

  ‘That’s hurtful, Lucia. That’s a hurtful thing to say. Besides, I wasn’t right. I was telling you to ignore your conscience. Since when could that be considered right?’

  Lucia bit her lip, twisted her head away. She felt a tear at the corner of her eye. Before she could free a hand to catch it, the tear was loose and running towards her mouth. She rolled a shoulder across her cheek and then slid past Philip and out of his grip and sat down again on the bench.

  ‘What do I do?’ she said. She spoke to her feet. ‘What should I do?’

  ‘If you mean should you quit, the answer is no. Not now. Not while you’re feeling like this.’ Philip rested a hand on the arm of the bench. ‘If you mean what should you do about Szajkowski… Well.’ He exhaled through his nostrils. ‘I don’t know, Lucia. The honest answer is, I don’t know.’

  Lucia felt an urge to laugh. She gave in to it but the laugh came out as a sob. She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes as though to force her tears back inside.

  Philip cleared his throat. ‘Lucia. Maybe this isn’t the best time. It’s just, I have a small confession to make.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘Don’t get angry.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘Just don’t get angry when I tell you this.’

  ‘What did you do, Philip?’

  ‘I… ’ Philip coughed again. ‘I spoke to David.’

  Lucia pulled herself upright. ‘You did what?’

  ‘I didn’t mention your name.’

  ‘I should hope not!’

  ‘But he guessed anyway.’

  ‘Oh, Philip!’

  Philip showed Lucia his palms. ‘It’s not my field, Lucia. I deal with chief executives. I deal with CFOs, with accountants. What do I know about criminal law?’

  ‘It’s not exactly David’s field either.’

  ‘It is. Just about. He came to us from the CPS. He deals with civil litigation at the firm he works for now.’

  ‘That’s not the point, Philip.’ Lucia was shaking her head. She could feel her tears evaporating as her cheeks burnt. ‘You know that’s not the point.’

  ‘Lucia, please. I thought it would help. I thought David might be able to help. You came to me for legal advice but you may as well have asked your conveyancer.’

  Lucia glared at Philip, then turned her face away. After a moment, she allowed her eyes once again to meet his. ‘What did he say?’

  Philip shrugged a guilty shrug. He winced. ‘He said what I said.’

  ‘He said what you said.’

  ‘That’s why I almost didn’t mention it. He said there was no precedent. He said the only thing that came close was a case a few years back of a pupil suing a school. He said that even if you could find a prosecutor ambitious enough to take it on, it would never come to trial. He reminded me that it was an election year.’

  ‘You sound like Cole. My boss. You could be Cole talking.’

  ‘I don’t agree with it, Lucia. I’m just telling you how it is.’

  Lucia stood. She wiped her eyes again and adjusted her blouse. She stepped past Philip and cast around to get her bearings. ‘Which way’s the tube?’

  ‘Take a cab. I’ll expense it.’

  Lucia shook her head. ‘I’d rather take the tube. I’m sorry, Philip. You’re busy and I’m wasting your time. All I’m doing is wasting time.’

  ‘Don’t say that. Please don’t say that. I just wish there were something more I could do.’

  ‘You’ve done enough.’ Lucia brushed her lips against his cheek. ‘Thank you. You’ve done all you can do.’ She made to go.

  ‘Lucia. Wait. There’s one more thing. It’s not important but I said I’d mention it.’

  Lucia waited. She knew what was coming and she knew she should be angry but she was not. ‘I’m not going to talk to him, Philip.’

  ‘Just a phone call. You don’t have to go and—’

  ‘I’m not going to talk to him, Philip.’ She turned and she started walking. She did not know whether Philip could hear her but she said it again anyway. ‘I’m not.’

  .

  What’s your earliest memory?

  I’m not sure either. I’m on a boat, I think, and I’m wearing this jumper that I liked. It had a flower on it.

  Do you wanna know my earliest memory of Sam?

  He’s pinching me. I was four, I think, maybe five so he would of been seven, I guess, maybe eight. I’m on my back and he’s got his knees on me and I’ve got one arm free and I’m hitting him but he’s ignoring it or not feeling it cos he’s focused on my other arm and he’s pinching me here, here, here, all the way up and he’s pinching me and he’s smiling. I remember it clearly. It’s like it was on the TV just the other night.

  He hated me. I hated him but he hated me first. He resented me. That’s what Annie says. She says he d
idn’t hate me he resented me but I looked up the word resent and it basically means that he hated me. I knew what resent meant already by the way. I’m not stupid, I just like to check. I have a dictionary, Annie got it for me, and I like to check what words mean cos sometimes they mean something different from what you think they mean, not a lot always but enough to change what you’re saying when you don’t want it to. Do you know what I mean?

  I’m glad cos not everyone does. Some people use words without even caring what they really mean. They just say em and think about what they’re saying after they’ve finished saying it.

  My dad was good at words. He’s dead now. He drowned. I was ten. But he used to have these books, they were full of puzzles: crosswords and wordsearches and what are those ones where the letters are all mixed up and you have to put em back in the right order? Like on Countdown, at the end, the ones I can never get.

  Right. Anagrams. So my dad would sit there every night with one of them books and sometimes he’d let me sit with him, if I was quiet and I didn’t wriggle, and I’d help him or I’d try to. I could do the wordsearches, I was good at em, but I don’t like crosswords, I never liked crosswords. Sam could do crosswords. Sometimes if Dad got stuck he would ask Sam and Sam would say it’s this or it’s that or sometimes he would just shrug but most of the time he would know. Sam went to university in the end. Dad said he would and he did. He shouldn’t of though, that’s what Annie says. He should of stayed with me, that’s what Annie says. Annie says that if Sam had stayed it would of been better for everyone: me, she says, Sam, she says, her, she says, them kids. But I’d rather have Annie than him. I’d of run away if they’d of made me live with him.