Young Love (Bloomfield #4)

by Janelle Stalder

  I couldn’t decide which direction appealed to me more - maintaining our friendship, or saying fuck it, and kissing her again. I knew whatever we had built was damaged now. It fucking killed.

  When I had woken up that morning it had taken me a second to remember just what had taken place the night before. For the briefest of moments, I’d smiled to myself thinking about Honor, and how I would manage to see her.

  And then it had hit me, and I realized I’d screwed up a really good thing. A fucking amazing thing, and now I felt like punching my hand through a wall.

  “Geez, who kicked your puppy?”

  I glanced up to see Rannon watching me from Kyle’s office door.

  Ignoring him, I headed to my station.

  “Kelly got you in the dog house or something?” He pressed, walking over to me.

  I grunted. She didn’t - not yet at least.

  If there was one thing I was sure of this morning, after all my inner conflict, it was that I needed to end things with Kelly. This wasn’t fair to her. While I didn’t feel as though I had cheated on her, I also knew I was getting dangerously close. Too close for my comfort.

  Kelly deserved more. I didn’t know what I was feeling when it came to Honor, but I knew it was enough to make me realize whatever I was doing with Kelly wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t real. While I liked her as a person, I didn’t have the same attraction to her that I had for Honor.

  She’d called me three times last night after I had left Honor’s. I couldn’t even bring myself to answer the calls. Guilt had weighed on me, and I didn’t want Kelly to sense it in my tone. I might not have kissed Honor, but I’d come damn close, and most of all, I’d wanted to.

  Now I had to figure out how I was going to break things off with Kelly. I wasn’t good at this shit. And I wasn’t really looking forward to hurting her. I’d made things so fucked up for myself. I hated drama and here I was causing it left and right.

  “I see you’re as chatty as usual,” Rannon said, reminding me that he was still standing there.

  I leaned back in my chair, looking over at him. “I’m sorry, man. I have a lot of shit on my mind.”

  “You and me both. Girls sure make life crazier,” he said.

  I didn’t know how he knew it was about girls, but I didn’t deny it. Nodding my head, I went back to setting up for my first tattoo of the day, pushing all the shit to the back of my mind for the time being. When I got home later, I’d call Kelly and end things.

  ***

  I saw the back of Honor disappear into our building just as I was pulling into my parking space. Throwing my truck into park, I practically jumped out of it, running before she made her to her apartment.

  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, but I knew I needed to talk to her. If I understood Honor at all, I knew she’d likely avoid me as much as possible if she could. There was no way I was letting that happen.

  Taking the stairs two at a time, for the first moment since I’d moved in three years ago, I was actually thankful the elevators were always broken. As I entered our floor, she was a short ways in front of me, her head down as she walked gracefully down the hall. You’d have to be blind not to know that Honor was a dancer. It was in everything she did, every move she made.

  “Honor,” I called out, catching the way her shoulders stiffened before she stopped and turned to look at me.

  “Oh, hey,” she said, nervously tucking a stray hair behind her ear.

  I stopped just in front of her, letting my eyes soak her up. Just seeing her somehow soothed the tension that had been clouding my head all day.

  She was wearing a plain white t-shirt and black tights, her sweater thrown through the straps of the large bag hanging off her shoulder. She exuded that vibrant youth that most new college students did, and for the millionth time I wondered if I was right to be attracted to her. I was six years older than her, and an entire universe more jaded.

  “Look,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. She watched me, those wide eyes never moving from my face. The urge to grab her and finish what I had started last night was almost too hard to ignore, but I knew I had to until everything was settled.

  “About last night,” I continued. She opened her mouth to speak, probably to offer some lame excuse, but I didn’t let her. Holding up a hand, I said, “I want to apologize for it, but I also want to say I’m not sorry.”

  That crease between her brows appeared. “That makes no sense.”

  I chuckled lightly, looking down as I shook my head. “I know. It’s just, I know what happened, or almost happened, was wrong. And I’m sorry for putting you in that situation. But I’m not sorry for spending time with you and getting close. I like you, Honor. I enjoy being around you. And I want to make things right on my end of things so there’s nothing for us to feel guilty about.”

  Her lips formed a little “o” before she snapped them shut. “Okay,” she said softly.

  I nodded. “Okay. So, everything’s fine between us?”

  “Of course,” she said, nodding her head.

  “Good. I’ll see you around then.”

  She offered me a hesitant smile before saying bye and hurrying to her place. She went in without a backward glance. I didn’t know what she was thinking, but I could sense she wasn’t completely sold on what I’d said. I would just have to prove to her I meant it.

  Entering my apartment, I threw my jacket on a stool and headed to the couch, falling onto it as I took my phone out of my back pocket. Scrolling through my recent calls, I found Kelly’s name and hit it. The other line only rang twice before she answered it.

  As soon as she said my name I knew something was wrong.

  ***

  I handed her another tissue, my mind reeling as I tried to comfort Kelly the best I could. I was way out of my element right now.

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do without her,” she said, sniffling.

  Reaching out, I wrapped my arm around her, pulling her against my chest.

  “It’s okay,” I said, the words sounding empty in my ears. “Everything will be okay.”

  Fuck. Kelly’s mom had passed away yesterday morning from an apparent heart attack. I hadn’t even known she had health problems. Shit, I’d never even met the woman. It made me realize how little I really knew about Kelly.

  We’d been dating for a while now, and neither of us had met the other’s family. Was that strange? I had a feeling it was. Most couples probably would have met their partner’s parents by now. I’d never even thought about it, honestly.

  Didn’t that highlight how off this whole relationship was? Were we just calling it a “relationship”, but not really treating it as such? I didn’t know.

  “I’m just so glad I have you, Grey,” Kelly said, snuggling into my side more. “I don’t know how I’d get through this if I didn’t have someone to lean on.”

  I gave her a tight squeeze, my voice caught in my throat. How the hell was I supposed to end things with her when she needed me now? I couldn’t, obviously. I wasn’t a cold hearted asshole.

  Before we had started this whole girlfriend, boyfriend thing, we’d been friends. For that reason alone I couldn’t just turn my back and let her deal with this alone. No, I’d have to wait until I knew she was okay before I did anything.

  Was it fair to her? Maybe not. Was it fair to me? No, but I was willing to delay things if it meant not hurting her more. Was it fair to Honor? I had no idea how to answer that. I didn’t know how Honor felt about me, or what she would think. I wasn’t even sure if she cared if I was with Kelly or not.

  This afternoon she had seemed slightly relieved when I’d told her I’d ends things with Kel, but she’d also seemed a bit hesitant. I had no idea how to read women.

  Either way, if things were meant to be with Honor and I, then they would still be “meant to be” when I was finally able to pursue her. It was quite possible she wouldn’t give a shit, and I was sitting here stressing over nothing.

&nbs
p; My mind went back to the guy I’d seen over at her place before, and instantly I felt my blood boil. Maybe she was dating other people like that douchebag.

  Pushing away those thoughts, I refocused on the distraught girl in my arms. I needed to be there for Kelly right now, even if it was just as a friend. She needed someone to lean on, and I’d be that - for now.

  I wouldn’t be able to deny my feelings for Honor forever, but I could put them to the side.

  “How about we get something to eat?” I suggested.

  She nodded against me, sniffling.

  We got up and I helped her into her sweater before leading her out the door, my arm wrapped about her shoulders.

  I had no idea how close she’d been to her mom, because I was an asshole, but I got the impression they must have been pretty tight.

  As I locked the door, turning with her still in my arms, my eyes locked on Honor’s as she walked down the hall, a laundry basket filled with folded clothes tucked beneath her arm.

  Her eyes flickered between me and Kelly. When she finally met mine, I could see hurt and confusion there, and it just about tore me apart.

  My first instinct was to rip my arm away from Kelly, but I knew I couldn’t do that. Fuck! I was screwing this up badly. If I’d thought Honor wouldn’t care, I’d gotten my answer right then. It was written plainly in her eyes.

  She cared.

  And I was standing there holding my girlfriend as if nothing had changed.

  Chapter 17

  Honor

  Men were evil, lying, jerks.

  That was all there was to it.

  I slammed my door behind me, my back against it as I slid to the floor. The basket in my arms banged to the ground, unnoticed.

  I couldn’t believe it. Was I that naive and gullible that I just believed whatever came out of Grey’s mouth? His incredibly sexy mouth that had my dreams on fire?

  I groaned out loud, letting my head fall back against the door. It was official, I was pathetic.

  I wanted a man so badly that I was completely blind to the fact that he was a dog just like the rest of them.

  That whole speech he’d given me earlier was nothing but bullshit. I grew up on the part of Bloomfield where bullshit was the native dialect. I was fluent in bullshit! It was how I’d stayed clear of all the worse players that preyed on the girls in my school.

  So why the hell hadn’t I seen through Grey Anderson? Those damn blue eyes and sinful, chiseled face had me completely blinded.

  I couldn’t believe how light and excited I’d felt earlier after speaking with him in the hall. I’d been replaying and obsessing over our almost kiss the entire morning, and feeling guilty the entire time too.

  And then in walks Grey with all his stupid words, bringing me hope and hypnotizing me with his baby blues, and suddenly I actually had hope. Hope that maybe there could really be something between us. That he actually wanted that too - that he felt something for me.

  Hope was a dangerous thing. Because when it was gone, there was a gaping, empty hole there that ached.

  I’d barely been able to stand there and look at him as he’d stood before me with Kelly tucked against him. The back of my throat had instantly ached, and when I’d felt that burn creeping into the back of my eyes, I’d known I had to escape quickly. I’d gotten out a quick, muttered hello to Kelly and made a beeline for my apartment.

  Feeling deflated and stupid, I pulled myself up, grabbing my clean clothes, and headed into my bedroom. My eyes instantly went to the wall separating our apartments.

  Oh God, I thought as I sat on my mattress. If I had to listen to them tonight, making...

  I shook my head. No. No way. I wouldn’t be able to. If that happened, I’d call Perrie and go sleep at the house. There was only so much I could take today.

  My phone buzzed on the nightstand, causing my stomach to turn. Please don’t be a text from Grey, I thought as I reached over and grabbed it. Adrien’s name lit up the screen. I couldn’t decide if I was relieved by that, or disappointed.

  I was such an idiot.

  Adrien: Hey good looking ;) what’s cooking?

  My pride. And it’s burnt, I thought with a humorless chuckle. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with him right now. Placing the phone back down, I got up and changed into my running gear.

  That’s what I needed, a good run to clear my mind. It always worked. That, or dancing. I knew the studio would be packed tonight though, so running it would have to be. I just needed to exercise these awful feelings out of me.

  I needed to get rid of this ache in my chest.

  As soon as I got outside, I took a deep breath of the cool evening air. I probably should have eaten supper first, but I’d figure that out later. Staying inside that apartment just wasn’t an option right now.

  Heading off toward the park where I usually ran, I let the slap of my feet against the pavement, and the hustle bustle of the city around me, fill my focus as everything else faded away. The burning in my lungs was a familiar ache I could handle. I welcomed it as I picked up speed, pushing myself harder than I normally would have. I wasn’t sure how long I could keep this up, but I was about to find out.

  ***

  My feet faltered as I approached my building. I’d walked the entire way home, my body exhausted after that run. Pushing myself to the limit probably hadn’t been the smartest idea. Especially since I had an empty stomach.

  But at least I’d been focused on my aching body, and not on my stupid, hot neighbor. Or, at least, I hadn’t been until my eyes landed on the figure sitting on the front steps of my building.

  Grey lifted his head, his eyes meeting mine as I slowed my approach.

  He held my stare as I drew closer, and I thought I saw a glimmer of regret in his eyes. I stopped just in front of him. His eyes searched mine, for what? I wasn’t sure.

  There was something about the look on his face and the way his shoulders slumped forward that made me think he was genuinely upset. Sighing, I moved to his side, sitting down on the step beside him.

  Despite how hurt and angry I was, a part of me felt bad that he looked so upset. It’s not as if I really had a right to be mad at him. Grey had never proclaimed his love for me, or made any big promises. It was my own stupid fault for getting my hopes up.

  We sat side by side on the front steps in silence as people and cars passed by. The night sky was that twilight hue that I loved so much.

  The quiet between us wasn’t as tense as I had expected. Even when I was upset with him, things felt comfortable when we were together. It was so confusing.

  Finally he cleared his throat, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his thighs. I watched him from the corner of my eye, bracing myself for whatever he was about to say. If he was about to tell me things between us would never happen, I wasn’t sure how I’d react.

  “Her mother died.”

  Those three words hung in the air between us as I tried to make sense of them.

  Her mother died? As in, Kelly’s? So that was why he’d been with her earlier? Now that I thought back to earlier, Kelly had seemed upset, her eyes puffy and red rimmed.

  I turned my head toward him. He looked at me, his eyes asking for me to understand.

  “Oh,” I said, feeling that fickle feeling of hope slipping further away.

  I got it now. He felt bad for her. Which meant he wasn’t going to break up with her. Which meant...

  I looked away, my eyes fixed on the building across the street, unseeing.

  “I’m sorry, Honor,” he said. “I want...” He drifted off. I looked back at him, watching as he rubbed both hands over his short hair. He held his head, his face hidden from me.

  With a deep sigh, he sat up, facing me again. Somehow I knew what he wanted, because it was the same thing I wanted. To see, explore, whatever it was that existed between us.

  But it wasn’t going to happen. Not now at least.

  I wasn’t going to fool around with a man who had a girlfriend
, and Grey wasn’t going to cheat on Kelly. He wasn’t going to end things with her right after she’d lost her mother.

  As disappointed as that made me, I also admired that he had enough respect and concern for her that he would do that. How could I be mad when the girl had just lost her mother? I didn’t want to be the evil bitch who stole her boyfriend right after.

  No, he was right, even though he hadn’t said it out loud. He had to stay with Kelly, which meant we had to remain friends. Just friends.

  Swallowing down the lingering disappointment, I looked out at the street again, sitting up straighter as I mentally accepted what he was trying to tell me.

  “How is she?” I asked, glancing at him briefly.

  “She’s...okay,” he said, turning to watch the traffic too. We were just two friends sitting outside, talking.

  Just friends.

  “As good as can be expected at least,” he added.

  I nodded. I had no idea what it would be like to lose my mother, but I could imagine the heartbreak. It wasn’t something I wanted to think about.

  Grey’s ringtone filled the silence between us. He reached into his pocket and pulled it out, reading the text.

  “What are you doing right now?” He asked, turning his head to look at me.

  Going upstairs to wallow in my sadness and eat all the possible calories I have in my apartment.

  “Nothing,” I answered. “I was just going to have some dinner.”

  And ugly cry. Probably ugly cry.

  “Want to tag along with me?”

  “Where are you going?”

  “My parent’s,” he said.

  I pressed my lips together, looking around as if someone would be there to save me from this decision.

  The truth was, I wanted to stay with him too much. Too much for a friend for sure.

  “Come on,” he said, nudging my leg with his. “I know you’re not doing anything else.”

  He stood, standing in front of me with a hand stretched out.

  “Come meet my crazy family,” he said with that grin that made my resolve weaken. “You’ll enjoy yourself, I promise.”