My Fat, Mad Teenage Diary
Page 4
Tuesday 21.2.89
8.20 p.m.
T HERE IS DEFINITELY SOMETHING WRONG. Mum reckons she is doing the Cambridge Diet again. The tub’s been stuck in the back of the larder for years – the bottom of it’s gone rusty! It’s the one where you just have liquid drinks and lose about a stone in two days. Something MUST have kicked it off, though, but I can’t get anything out of her. She says she’s starting it Monday. I’ll believe it when I see it. She is always starting next week and next week never comes. I tell you what, though – I will not be happy at all if she starts to lose loads of weight. I couldn’t handle that – that would do me in. I can’t have a mum that’s thinner than me – it would not be fair of her to do that.
Shat myself tonight because Mum wanted some gravy granules, which means GREEN LANE SHOPS. WHICH MEANS TWATS. Luckily they were in the video shop – no doubt trying to get some porn or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or some other div film. The bloke in the shop was taking ages to serve me and chatting to his mum in bloody Punjabi or whatever about Kashmir. I was like, ‘Fuck India – hurry up and serve me so I can get out and avoid the tossers.’ Luckily he did. Sometimes I think the Indians have got it right with arranged marriages. At least no matter what you look like or how much you weigh you are guaranteed a man.
11.44 p.m.
I feel a bitch for writing that last bit. I know arranged marriages can be hell on earth and some women are trapped in them. I saw a thing on BBC 2 once. I can be a cow sometimes.
Can’t sleep again. No point mentioning it to Mum. She will either shout at me for waking her up or suggest a bloody Ovaltine.
So lonely this time of night. Thank God for ‘Pick Your Poison’ on Hereward Radio. If we had a phone I could make a bomb on that competition. Well, I could probably win a Frisbee and a T-shirt, but anything is better than nothing.
Wednesday 22.2.89
BLOODY HELL, IT KICKED OFF today!! Bethany apparently has been flirting with Marie Jamieson’s boyfriend. It’s all round the boys’ school because he has been gobbing off about how much they both fancy him, and because they are both seriously gorgeous he is looking like a right studmuffin. Bethany was reading one of Daisy’s Mills and Boon bollocks books when Marie came in and just launched at her: ‘Who the hell do you think you are? You must bloody love yourself.’ Bethany goes, ‘I’ve done nothing.’ Marie was like chanting, ‘HAVE YOU GOT OFF WITH HIM? HAVE YOU GOT OFF WITH HIM?’ Luckily the bell went and Bethany had to go to A-level physics. Marie was crying – everyone crowding round her – and then she says, ‘I did it with him last week when his mum and dad were in South Africa. He even used a towel to get the sweat off me afterwards.’ Bless her . . . But as I said to everyone later – does she want to go out with a bloke whose parents are racists, anyway?
Bethany called for me later at home. She was bawling her eyes out, saying stuff like, ‘I didn’t do anything. We were just talking. Just talking!’ I don’t know if I believe her. I don’t care. This is a problem I would love to have. To be the other woman. The dangerous one. The one being talked about and referred to as gorgeous by the boys’ school. She kept saying, ‘Does everyone hate me? Does everyone think I’m a slag?’ I said to her, ‘Don’t worry – as soon as Marie told everyone she had done it everyone forgot about the row – they were too busy asking her about that.’ Bethany looked pissed off when I told her that. Don’t know why – you think she’d be pleased that everyone has stopped talking about her. Took her to get some chips. Made sure I ate like a bloody fairy princess with dainty bites after what she said about me eating like a pig. I hate eating in public anyway. If I’m eating bad stuff, people stare as if to say, ‘Should you be eating that?’ Bethany stuffed her face – she was full of snot and her eyes were red raw. Wish all her male admirers could have seen her the way I saw her tonight. Wish Harry could have seen me being so supportive and nice.
I can be such a horrible person sometimes. But I think we all are underneath. Sometimes. I only say bad things here. Never to people’s faces. I’ve had that much crap said to me I don’t want anyone sitting in their bedroom feeling shit because of me. Couldn’t live with that.
Significant conversation with Mum tonight. About the only thing I did say to her from the time she came in till the time she went to bed.
MUM: Don’t get married, Rachel, till you are over 30.
(At this rate I may not have a choice.)
ME: Why?
MUM: Just don’t. And make sure you are never dependent on anyone. Earn your own money.
ME: Why, though?
MUM: I’ve got a headache. Why do you keep going on . . . ?
(ER . . . YOU STARTED IT, WOMAN!)
Thursday 23.2.89
Late
THE TWATS FROM GREEN LANE shops were waiting for me at the top of Worcester Crescent and I knew I was in the shit. I couldn’t turn round and run or they would have come after me. I had to face it. As soon as I got near they started singing ‘Nellie the Elephant’ and shouting, ‘Jabba, Jabba, Jabba’. (I could kill the bloke who invented Star Wars.) I felt myself welling up, but if I had cried that would have made them worse. Just walked down the passage and said the first thing that came into my head. And it was, ‘You lot want to be careful – my uncle is Reggie Kray.’ This is total bollocks of course. They were like, ‘Who the fuck? Who the fuck?’ but one of them shat himself and pulled the rest off. I was just trying to think of someone dead hard that would scare them. This has only delayed them – when they realise I was lying they’ll be back. Legged it home and ate and ate and ate. Then when Mum said, ‘You’ve eaten half a multi-pack of crisps – Rachel, you are going to get ill,’ I ate another bag. Fuck it. I’m the size of a house – what difference is another one going to make?
Things like this make my brain go bad. End up with the thoughts that I can’t get rid of. Then I hit myself and . . . all of it. You know.
Friday 24.2.89
AWFUL TODAY. MARIE JAMIESON CORNERED me by the cloakroom and said, ‘Can I have a word?’ I said, ‘Yeah.’ She said, ‘For the record, my boyfriend and his family are not racists. They have business interests in Jo’burg and provide employment for black and coloured maids and pay them well.’ I was like, ‘OK – thank you for telling me.’ What could I say? I was rumbled good and proper.
Bet they are racists, though.
Fish and chips, then Wellington fudge pudding, which made things seem better.
Tonight I made the fatal mistake of reading Bethany’s mum’s Reader’s Digest Family Health Guide. I swear I have all the symptoms of angina, cirrhosis and Gilles de la Tourette syndrome. Paranoid now that I have permanently damaged my heart. I swear I can honestly feel the cheese, burgers and Wagon Wheels caked in my arteries. I bet no snogging damages your heart. Sexual frustration certainly does.
Big party tomorrow. The theme is 50s/60s and I have got nothing to wear. The good news is, though, there’s a jumble sale at the Congregational Hall tomorrow and it’s being done by the Conservative Club. Posh old people with shedloads of money – it should be a good one. Just hope I can find something that fits.
Saturday 25.2.89
4.35 p.m.
PARTY TONIGHT IS AT THE Angel Hotel in Bourne. Don’t know if I can be bothered to go, because you just know what will happen. Bethany will snog someone and I will end up like a total gooseberry. Plus, I feel like crap. Think I am getting flu from all those nights when SHE refused to put the heating on. Got a great jacket from the jumble sale – old suede thing. Even Mum admitted it makes me look thinner. She will go mad, though, when she realises I’ve used half a bottle of her Opium perfume to cover up the jumble-sale smell. I’ll decide whether or not to go later.
Sunday 26.02.89 (but this is mainly concerned with SATURDAY 25TH FEBRUARY 1989 . . . )
1.12 a.m.
YES! I AM IN A total state of shock! Here are the full details with background!
Well, I’ve felt really achy (probably angina not flu) so I wasn’t going to go to the party
. Anyway, at 7 p.m. I decided to go (it started at 8). Well, HARRY was there. Everyone was dancing and I pretended not to see him and he came up to me and put his hands over my eyes and goes, ‘Guess who?’ We had a bit of a laugh and then he came up again because he’s good mates with Bethany, and Bethany conveniently went and we had a semi-cuddle as it were and then he went off again. I HAD MY FIRST FULL CIGARETTE. Perhaps fags make me look more seductive, because then Harry comes up and then –
THE EVENT OF THE DECADE!
We were talking and cuddling and bumping heads, etc., and then, you know, he kept looking at me and he said, ‘Well, don’t I get a kiss, then?’ and I said, ‘Well, errrmmm, slight problem – I have never kissed anyone before.’ Anyway, he said to me, ‘We’ll try English first,’ and then . . . OH. MY. GOD!
I SNOGGED (I hate that word!)
I KISSED A BOY
AND
HARRY!!
Anyway, I said, ‘Oh, I’m crap,’ and he said, ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’ Then there was an uncomfortable pause and I said (because I did smell a rat), ‘Harry, did you do that out of sympathy?’ And he said (and good on him), ‘Partly yes because a few people said that you fancied me.’ And I said, ‘You didn’t do it completely out of pity, did you?’ And he said, ‘NO! I really like you but not necessarily in that way.’ And I think I really respect him for that.
Anyway, I gave him my Basil Brush badge and then it went a bit weird because ‘Fine Time’ by Yazz came on and then someone put on ‘Hey Music Lover’ by S-Express, which is good for raving to but not to have tender moments to. So I just go to him, ‘You won’t go back to the boarding house and say, “God, that Rae Earl is a silly, fat cow”’, and he goes, ‘No! I’m not like that.’ I really like him . . . Anyway, he sat on my knee and we talked and we are good mates.
It’s brilliant that the first bloke I kissed was really sweet and understanding – I’m very lucky. It’s also bloody corny and embarrassing.
By the way, when I say, ‘I kissed a boy and Harry,’ I mean a boy – and it was Harry. I don’t mean I kissed a boy and then Harry – making out he is a mutant.
I also had a puff of a cigar! Unfortunately I didn’t do much dancing. Anyway, I am still shocked and happy that someone cuddled me! I’m happy! Thank God for life.
ALL THOSE NIGHTS WORRYING I WAS A LESBIAN ARE GONE NOW.
5.06 p.m.
I got three and a half hours’ sleep last night so tonight I am knackered. I can’t believe it happened. It’s all like a misty dream. I keep getting flashes of Harry and the next minute I can’t remember what he looks like. Oh, my Appletise! To think I kissed him. I still can’t believe it. Still in shock. The trouble is, I really like him. Mind you, it’s hard to tell – my emotions are in such a COMPLETE AND UTTER MESS!!! Read my stars in Just 17 – it says this sort of shit was going to happen.
Monday 27.2.89
M UM HAS STARTED THE CAMBRIDGE Diet – she looks totally pissed off with it already. I don’t know why she bothers – she has pulled already – she is married and I have proven there are blokes out there who don’t care about size. Men who can see through all the thin crap. Men who look beyond looks.
Incredible what Harry’s tongue tasted like. It was odd having something of someone else’s moving in your mouth. It was like a warm, small animal. But a nice warm, small animal. I wonder what a . . . NO, let’s not go there. Can’t ever imagine doing that. Think I’d start laughing. Then be sick.
I am such the talk of the lower sixth in the best way ever and everyone is being dead lovely. People are saying stuff like, ‘I’m really pleased for you Rae.’ I do have a really nice bunch of mates. The only person I haven’t told yet is Mort – she hasn’t been very well, bless her, and has been off school today.
Saw Harry in the High Street on the way home. I completely fell to pieces. All I really wanted to do was hug him. Typical, though, when I saw him I was downing a giant-size Raspberry Slush Puppie so I had a blue tongue.
Tuesday 28.2.89
MUM IS IN A FOUL mood because of not eating. All my meals are coming from the pressure cooker. It’s because it involves minimum preparation time too. I ate half an onion tonight because she hadn’t chopped it up properly. It’s a bit rich that I have to suffer because she’s starving herself for vanity.
I’ve agreed to do the sound for the school play, Our Town. Mort’s a big part in it so it should be a laugh. AND THERE ARE BOYS doing the male parts. Good to see the 20th century has finally reached Stamford High School.
Wednesday 1.3.89
TALKED TO MORT TODAY BEFORE the final Our Town dress rehearsal. Told her all about the weekend and she said Harry sounded like a wanker. I said, ‘OH MY GOD, WHY?’ She said, ‘He said he snogged you partly out of sympathy, Rae?? You don’t need some public schoolboy’s sympathy! You are one of the funniest, sweetest people I have ever known.’ I said, ‘He didn’t mean it like that,’ and she was like, ‘How did he mean it, then????’ I’m sure he didn’t. I love Mort – and usually she is right about everything – but we will have to agree to disagree on this one.
It was difficult to take her seriously as she was dressed like a turn-of-the-century American woman, and was having problems with her bonnet.
Day three of the Cambridge Diet and I caught Mum having a bloody More cigarette in the back garden. I said, ‘What the hell are you doing?’ and she said, ‘Rachel, it’s none of your business – I’m the adult.’ Well, act like one, then, Mrs Petulant, and be supportive of me. If she caught ME with a fag she’d go loopy.
I’ve not told her I’ve snogged anyone. She thinks you can get venereal disease from loo seats.
Thursday 2.3.89
I’M SO BLOODY CONFUSED ABOUT the Harry situation. Leah from the year above told me that he really likes me but didn’t fancy me but that he might go out with me. But then Bethany told me that SOMEONE at the boys’ school had said to her, ‘Someone in the upper sixth really fancies Rae Earl,’ and Bethany said, ‘Is it Harry?’ and this someone said, ‘YES!! HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW THAT??’ So explain THAT one!
Mort also said you can get venereal disease from loo seats.
First performance of Our Town went well. Somebody had fiddled with my tape counter but I managed to separate the sound of crickets from the hymn they all sing in the church and there was a great buffet afterwards. Stuffed my face with fun-size Bounties and dips for free, crucially with Mum not hanging over me looking jealous.
Wonder what’s happening with Harry. I just don’t get men. Mind you, I don’t get me either.
Friday 3.3.89
11.01 a.m.
CURRENTLY IN STUDY ROOM 2. Mum asked me this morning if I could eat my toast on the way to school as the smell was making her hungry. I put extra jam on it as I thought the fog might affect the taste. That’s lies – it was just an excuse to eat more.
Sick of Mum’s SELFISH diet now. I very nearly got dive-bombed by a kamikaze crow because of her.
10.45 p.m.
Second performance of Our Town. Wish I had never said I would do this now. It has stopped me from going down the pub and finding out what the deal is with Harry. Plus the fact it’s such a depressing play. The main character dies and goes back in time to live another day of her life. She chooses to be about 16 again, which proves it’s total crap because why would you choose living like this? No cash, no love, no sex and no control. Then at the end she decides you can never go back and relive the past because it’s never the same and THAT’S meant to be tragic!! It’s a good job in my opinion.
Saturday 4.3.89
2.16 p.m.
FINAL PERFORMANCE OF THE PLAY tonight and I’m bloody glad because I want to find out what the hell is going on with Harry. There are rumours everywhere about what he thinks, what he doesn’t think, what his mates say, where he was when he said what he has supposedly said. I need to find some truth.
Mum is now even looking at the fruit bowl with big, hungry eyes, so I predict a Cambridge Diet failure in
a matter of days if not hours. When I think of it, all of my life my mum has been on loopy diets – yet she is still fat. Soups, grapefruit, hot dogs, F-Plan, low fat. But this diet looks the hardest to do – nothing except the drinks. What sort of diet would begrudge you a satsuma?
Sunday 5.3.89
1 a.m.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN – I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!! JUST GOT IN FROM PROBABLY THE MOST AMAZING NIGHT OF MY
4.55 p.m.
I fell asleep last night – sorry – so here’s the story. I met Harry in the pub after we had done Our Town. It went OK but there was a bit where I was meant to play a steam-train whistle. Unfortunately I got the tape mixed up so instead of a train there were chickens clucking. No one seemed to notice, though. Harry looked so cute in the pub I just could have hugged him. Anyway, everybody else went for a chip slap-up and there was just me and Harry left and I put my arm through his and we were walking up the passage near the Animal Health shop. He kind of steered me into someone’s front porch and there was this massive uncomfortable silence and he says, ‘Actually I’m just trying to pluck up courage,’ and I go, ‘I know and it’s bloody embarrassing and I’m confused because last week you said you weren’t partial to me,’ and he said, ‘Well, I’ve seen you since then.’ So then he says, ‘Well . . . err . . . um . . . will you go out with me?’ and I go, ‘YES!!’ And then we had a massive, massive FRENCH snog and I go, ‘Why are you partial to me? You could do a lot better than me,’ (corny, I know, but you have to find out these things) and he said, ‘YOU’VE GOT CHARISMA!!’
I’d rather be gorgeous but charisma will have to do.
This feels like the best day ever. It feels like a relief. It feels like too good to be true. I usually hate Sunday nights but this feels like the beginning of something. Just like the seed of something that is going to make me feel brilliant . . .
I am going round to the boarding house on Tuesday to see him LIKE A PROPER GIRLFRIEND. LIKE A PROPER WOMAN.
Monday 6.3.89
E VERYONE IN THE COMMON ROOM gagging to know what went on on Saturday night. It took one whole study period to go through the entire story. Everybody being so sweet about it – saying stuff like, ‘So chuffed for you, Rae,’ and they meant it. Bar one person. Bethany. She was saying, ‘Let’s see how long this lasts first. Don’t get too excited – you only learnt to kiss a week ago, and have you met all his friends yet?’ Why is she like this?? I haven’t nicked him off her. She didn’t fancy him. I could see her sat there looking like I had done something wrong. She cannot bear the fact that I am a girl too. And for once it’s ME that’s getting the love attention. I do not feel guilty – I can’t be there for her at her beck and call all the time for every disaster that goes wrong in her life. It’s doing her head in because she thought fat girls didn’t get boyfriends. Well, Bethany, they do – so those grapes you eat are a waste of time, love!