No Sacred Cows

by David G. McAfee

  “I GOT HER! SHE WAS A TOUGH ONE, BUT I GOT HER. I HAVEN’T SEEN ONE OF THOSE IN A WHI … WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? IS THAT A PORTAL TO HELL BACK THERE, BOY?” ZEKE ASKED. “YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’VE HAD A STRING OF BAD LUCK. DID YOU SEE A BLACK CAT, OR SOMETHIN’?”

  “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON! THERE WAS A UFO AND A BIGFOOT AND A WITCH! I CAN’T DRIVE MY CAR AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO,” I SAID DESPERATELY BEFORE CATCHING MY BREATH AND TAKING A MOMENT TO THINK. “WELL … I DID BREAK A MIRROR THIS MORNING, THE ONE WITH BLOODY MARY.”

  “OH, THAT’S IT! I GOT JUST THE THING. COME HERE,” ZEKE SAID, PULLING A CLOVER FROM HIS VEST POCKET. “THIS HERE IS A FOUR-LEAF CLOVER AND, AS LONG AS YOU HANG ON TO IT, IT WILL BALANCE OUT THE BAD LUCK FROM YOUR MIRROR BREAK. YOU REALLY OUGHT TO BE MORE CAREFUL.”

  I TOOK THE CLOVER AND PUT IT IN MY PANTS POCKET, WHICH GAVE ME AN INSTANT SENSE OF RELIEF. ZEKE ALSO GAVE ME A RABBIT’S FOOT, A GOOD LUCK PENNY, A BOTTLE OF HOLY WATER, AND SOME OTHER ITEMS FOR WHICH HE SAID SPIRIT CELL WOULD BILL ME. I COULD FEEL THEM WORKING ALREADY. THE FIERY HOLE IN THE GROUND CLOSED UP, THE WITCH AND UPRIGHT APE WERE NOWHERE IN SIGHT, AND I COULD FINALLY RELAX. ZEKE WAS JUST PULLING AWAY WHEN ANOTHER CAR, WELL, A LIMOUSINE, ARRIVED AT MY HOUSE. A WOMAN STEPPED OUT, AND THERE SHE WAS: THE PSYCHIC, THE DARK-HAIRED LADY FROM THE SHOP.

  “PLEASE LET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE!” I SCREAMED TO HER. “WHATEVER POINT YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE, YOU’VE MADE IT. I DON’T HAVE DOUBTS ANYMORE. YOU’RE A REAL PSYCHIC!”

  SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, “SIR? SIR, CAN YOU HEAR ME? WAKE UP. I HAVE OTHER CLIENTS, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WHO TAKE ME AND MY WORK SERIOUSLY.”

  I JERKED AWAKE TO SEE I WAS STILL IN THE PSYCHIC’S STORE, THE CRYSTAL BALL WAS STILL CLOUDY, AND THE CANDLES WERE PARTIALLY MELTED.

  “YOU MISSED MOST OF YOUR READING, BUT IT’S OK. I CAN SUMMARIZE,” SHE SAID AS HER NOSTRILS FLARED. “YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE SOME GOOD LUCK AND SOME BAD LUCK, YOUR DEAD FAMILY MEMBERS ARE SAFE AND THEY MISS YOU, AND YOU SHOULD LOOK OUT FOR THE NUMBERS 4 AND 13.”

  “OH,” SHE ADDED, “AND THAT’LL BE $350.”

  * * *

  Now that we’ve seen what it would be like if supernatural claims had merit, let’s see if we can look at a different parallel universe. Can you imagine a world in which every person was willing and able to question and analyze his or her most foundational beliefs, even and especially those they’ve been taught since childhood, without hesitation or cognitive dissonance? Let’s create that world.

  NOTES

  1. I have been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, which for me is characterized by a number of daily rituals that I think I must perform in order to “feel like myself” or to avoid (often self-imposed) consequences. These seemingly irrational thoughts are something I must face daily, which may contribute to my desire for truth.

  2. Although I’m sure there will be those who suggest otherwise, I am in no way claiming to be an expert in all of the practices and traditions discussed throughout this book. In fact, the truth is closer to the opposite: I wrote No Sacred Cows because I consider myself a student who only wants to learn more about a variety of subjects.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  David G. McAfee is author of Atheist Answers: Rational Responses to Religious Questions, Mom, Dad, I’m an Atheist: The Guide to Coming Out as a Nonbeliever, and Disproving Christianity and Other Secular Writings. He is also coauthor of two books for children, The Belief Book and The Book of Gods. He holds a degree in religious studies from the University of California–Santa Barbara and lives in Southern California.