Bittersweet Love

by Cathy Williams

  ‘She’s beginning to insinuate that there might be more to life than sex.’

  Natalie suspected that he was being deliberately pro-vocative in his choice of words, but his face was perfectly serious.

  ‘Silly Anna,’ she said. ‘She can’t know you very well.’

  ‘But you do, don’t you?’ Kane said softly, and Natalie looked across the room at him, startled. All of a sudden panic gripped her by the throat, making her sick.

  ‘I’ll get you another cup of coffee,’ she mumbled, standing up and reaching for his mug on the coffee-table, half afraid that he would stretch out and grab her by the wrist.

  But he didn’t, and she walked into the kitchen, only aware that he was following when she felt his presence by the doorway.

  ‘Why do women think that marriage is the inevitable conclusion to a relationship?’ he asked, leaning against the door-frame and surveying her.

  When it comes to you, Natalie felt like saying, I have no idea. Marriage and Kane Marshall seemed about as compatible as fire and water. At least I never entertained that idea, she thought; at least I knew where to draw the line. I might have been a fool to fall in love with him, but I wasn’t so stupid as to imagine that he would look at me twice, or even if he did that it would lead to anything at all. He was a catch, though. One of those big fish that every angler wanted on the end of her line.

  ‘Do you think that marriage is the inevitable conclusion to a relationship?’ he asked curiously.

  Natalie handed him his mug and tried to edge her way past him, but he stretched out one arm, barring her exit, forcing her to stare up at him.

  A sudden brainwave hit her. ‘Yes,’ she said emphatically, feeling a swift moment of triumphant satisfaction at her own cleverness. ‘Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. What’s the point of getting to know someone if at the end of the day all you do is part company? What’s the point? No, for me, it’s marriage, and children, the lot.’ She smiled, totally relaxed now that she had decided on this defensive action. If it was one thing to scare off Kane Marshall, it was a woman with commitment on her mind, and she badly wanted to scare him off right now. She didn’t care for him in her flat, she didn’t care for the way he had looked at her in the lounge, and she certainly didn’t care for the heady sensations that had been washing over her from the very moment he had entered the place.

  ‘And solid Eric promises all those things?’ His mouth twisted cynically and her eyes clashed with his defensively, but she didn’t reply. Lying on that scale would have been a bit too blatant.

  He took her silence for agreement. ‘I knew it was on the cards,’ he muttered. ‘Didn’t I ask you whether a man was behind all that?’ He gestured to her and Natalie choked back her automatic response to deny it.

  ‘Everyone’s different,’ she said truthfully, thinking aloud. ‘Some people, like you, don’t want commitment. You like your freedom…’

  ‘Damn right,’ he bit out, as though she had been at-tacking him. ‘What’ s wrong with that?’ He gave her a dark, brooding look. ‘And I thought that you agreed with me.’

  ‘Me?’ Natalie looked at him in surprise. ‘Whatever gave you that idea?’

  ‘You never thought anything of my succession of females. Not that you said, anyway.’

  Natalie shrugged. ‘It was none of my business.’ She stared down at her fingers, twining them together on her lap. It was none of her business, that was true enough, but that had never stopped her from hurting every time she knew that there was a new woman on the scene, did it? That had never stopped her fertile mind from throwing up all sorts of images of Kane and his latest conquest in bed together, had it?

  ‘The perfect secretary,’ Kane grated cynically, ‘mind set only on work. No opinions on anything else. Or do you keep it all so well hidden?’

  He stood up and prowled around the room, finally standing by the bay window and staring outside, his hands in his pockets.

  ‘I had no idea that I was paid to voice my opinions,’ she said.

  ‘You’re voicing them now.’ He looked around at her, and her heart fluttered uneasily in her chest. ‘I like that. Why don’t you do it more often? Are you scared of me? No, don’t answer that; I know you’re not. Even when you don’t say a word I know it’s not because you’re scared of my response. Dammit, most women are usually so awed by money and power. It makes them compliant. Who the hell wants compliance?’

  ‘Did you come here to pick a fight with me?’

  ‘Of course not. You know why I came.’ He raked his fingers through his hair and stared at her. ‘I wanted company. And you’re the most intelligent female company I know.’

  That would be a compliment, Natalie thought sadly, except you don’t really like intelligent women, do you? Not in large doses at any rate. Despite what you some-times would have me believe.

  ‘Aren’t you going to react to that?’ he asked softly, moving closer to where she was sitting. Natalie felt her body tense. Something in the atmosphere had changed very subtly between them.

  ‘Should I?’

  ‘Well, most normal women would be flattered by a compliment.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she said obediently, ‘I’m flattered.’

  His lips twisted in a mocking smile. ‘Very sincere,’ he murmured, moving still closer until he was looming over her, making her break out in nervous perspiration. Did he know what he was doing to her? she wondered.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Natalie said tartly, ‘perhaps I should tremble in gratitude that the great Kane Marshall has deigned to pay me a compliment.’

  That tongue of yours,’ he replied, his eyes hard. ‘I can’t imagine what brought me here. It certainly isn’t a relaxing experience.’

  ‘You know where the door is,’ she muttered, not loudly enough for him to hear, although he tried to.

  The conversation, she knew, was rapidly getting out of hand. It was late, they were both away from the security of a working environment, and a lot could be said that would later be regretted. She knew that. She worked for him after all. However much she didn’t like admitting it, there was a limit to what she ought to say to him, because tomorrow was another day.

  ‘What I really came to say,’ he muttered, ‘was this. Does solid Eric know that you’re attracted to me?’

  Natalie’s mouth fell open.

  ‘Well, does he?’ Kane prompted coolly. ‘I’ve spent some time thinking about what happened last Sunday and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a bit unfair of you to conduct a relationship with a man to whom you can’t possibly be attracted.’ Every word made her body go colder until she felt as though any moment her teeth would begin chattering.

  ‘You never said anything to me at work,’ she breathed, at a loss for anything else to say, and he gave a short laugh.

  ‘I didn’t think work was exactly a fitting environment for observations of that nature.’ He looked away and a dark flush crept up his face. ‘Answer me—does he? Does he know how you feel about me?’

  Natalie stood up abruptly, making no attempt to disguise her shaking hands.

  ‘Out!’ she said in a high voice. ‘Get out of my flat!’

  He didn’t budge, and she raised her hand in a fit of angry, humiliated rage, sweeping it across his face, re-coiling from the stinging contact of flesh against flesh. A red mark immediately appeared on his cheek. He reached out and snatched her hand by the wrist, twisting it and pulling her towards him so that she was on tiptoe, unable to wriggle because the slightest movement made her trapped hand go hot with pain.

  ‘Truth a little painful for you, Miss Robins?’ he hissed. ‘Anna told me that you were attracted to me, but I didn’t believe her. I thought it was her imagination getting way out of control, but she was right, wasn’t she? You are attracted to me, and what I want to know is what you’re going to do about it.’

  ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Natalie whispered. Her entire body felt as though any minute it would burst into flame. She was hot with
embarrassment, she didn’t know where to look and much as she wanted to cover her ears with her hands, to scream at him to shut up, what good would it do? It wouldn’t stop him from knowing the awful truth. The only saving grace was that at least he didn’t know the depth of her attraction.

  ‘Oh, yes, you do. When you lay in my arms, I could feel your whole body melting, urging me on to take you.’

  ‘I don’t want to hear this.’

  Im sure you don’t. I’m sure you’d like to run away from the truth as fast as your legs can take you, and pretend that what you want is a life of marriage, two children, one dog and a goldfish, but don’t you think that’s a bit unfair on yourself? Why pretend? You’ll never be able to settle for second best. It’ s not in your nature. You’re too stubborn to just make do.’

  ‘How dare you come into my flat and…and…?’ Her sentence spluttered to a standstill and she glared at him, her eyes bright with unshed tears of anger.

  ‘And force you to face a few hard facts?’

  ‘So I’m attracted to you,’ she shouted. ‘All right, I admit it, I’m attracted to you, but that doesn’t mean anything!’ They were the bitterest words she had ever spoken and she bent her head, defeated, rather than witness the flare of triumph in his eyes.

  ‘Doesn’t it?’ He released her hand and she snatched it away, massaging it until circulation resumed. She only wished that she could take herself off to some other part of the room, to escape the claustrophobic weight of his masculinity, but her legs remained rooted to the spot.

  ‘Sex isn’t the most important thing in the world,’ she said shakily. What she wanted to say was that love was far more important than sex, but the mere thought of introducing that word into the conversation made her go cold. No, he was too shrewd for his own good, and it wouldn’t do to let him have any opportunity to think that what she felt for him extended beyond physical attraction.

  ‘Of course it isn’t,’ he agreed roughly, ‘but it’ s nice, though, isn’t it?’ He bend downwards and his lips found hers with a hot urgency that made her pull back in alarm and fright.

  His arms met around her, pulling her back against him so that she was pressed to his body, and could feel his hard arousal.

  ‘I really think you ought to go,’ she said weakly. ‘It’ s very late and I…I have to be up early in the morning for work.’

  ‘Tomorrow’s Saturday,’ he reminded her.

  ‘I meant I must be up early for…I have an appointment.’

  ‘Why are you so afraid?’

  ‘I’m not afraid!’ she wailed, but she was. Desperately afraid. All these years she had been able to hold her emotions in check because they had never been put to the test. Now she feared that her love for him would be her final weakness. His hand moved to the nape of her neck, his fingers intermingling in her hair, tugging her head gently back so that she had to meet his stare.

  This time his mouth met hers with coaxing sweetness. He was no longer demanding a response, he was merely enticing her with a temptation too powerful to resist. He parted her lips with his, and she felt the warmth of his tongue flicking in her mouth, sending shooting currents down her back.

  ‘Don’t tell me you don’t know,’ he murmured huskily. ‘I’ve thought about this all week. Why do you think I had to come over here?’

  He lifted her off her feet in one deft movement and carried her towards the general direction of the bedroom, kicking open doors until he found it. Then he kicked shut the door and gently deposited her on the bed.

  Natalie lay down, her eyes half closed, and knew that she would never forgive herself if she gave in to this piece of insanity. She meant nothing to him but an available body, one which he was curious to discover. But she had worked for him for years. She knew his track record. He tired easily, and she knew that if he slept with her he would tire even more quickly than usual. After all, she was not in the class of his other women. She had made the most of herself, but she was still an ordinary girl. Too many cream cakes and she would become that plump little thing that no one had ever noticed.

  ‘What are you thinking?’ he asked, lying down next to her.

  ‘We shouldn’t be doing this,’ she said, hearing the feebleness in her own ears and wishing desperately that she could summon up the good sense to do something about it.

  ‘We’re attracted to each other, so why not?’ He kissed her cheeks, tiny feathery kisses that made her shudder in response and she twisted round to face him. The blood was racing through her veins, making her giddy. Was that why she couldn’t seem to shed her inertia? When he kissed her lips, she sighed and returned the kiss, hesitantly at first, then hungrily as she gave in to the abandon raging through her.

  He reached under her T-shirt, finding her bare skin and stroking it in long, even movements. Natalie groaned and lay flat on the bed. She couldn’t stop now. She wanted him too badly for common sense to have any room. Her breasts were aching to feel his touch, and when his hand found them she wriggled with ecstasy. He rubbed the nub of her nipple, then pulled the T-shirt up and over her head.

  It still wasn’t too late to stop, she knew that. He would go if she insisted, but she didn’t insist. She watched, fascinated, as he unbuttoned his shirt, exposing the muscled breadth of his chest, with its dark hair tapering below his navel into the waistband of his trousers. She had never seen a naked man before. When he undressed, she stared, knowing that he was amused by the expression on her face.

  ‘You look amazed,’ he whispered, settling next to her and guiding her hand to his maleness.

  ‘I am.’ She gulped and then burst out, ‘I’ve never…’

  ‘Never?’ His face was serious. ‘But what about Eric?’

  ‘He never…we never…’ Words failed her and she lapsed into embarrassed silence, wondering whether he would find her virginity a complete turn-off. She did. She thought it was ridiculous in this day and age, but some frustrating uprightness had stood in the way of her ever sleeping with a man without love.

  ‘To be your first,’ he moaned into her ear, and she realised that her virginity was anything but a turn-off for him.

  He unzipped her jeans and slid his hand underneath, running it over the flat contours of her stomach, teasing her until she felt as if she was going to dissolve in desire. She traced her finger over her breast, tempting him in turn, satisfied when he could no longer resist and bent his head to suckle on one pink peak. She arched back, thrusting her breast into his mouth, loving the feel of his moist lips around it while his tongue darted across the nipple.

  With his hand he helped her wriggle free of her jeans so that she was left in her lacy underwear, then he caressed her thighs, his fingers finally working their way under her briefs to arouse her to a pitch of passion which she was finding difficult to control. He was taking his time, though, and for that she was grateful. He knew that she was inexperienced and every touch was gentle as he explored her body.

  He kissed her stomach, and she felt her breathing become difficult as his head moved lower, he gently eased her briefs from her, and his lips caressed her most intimate parts with a tender persuasiveness that made her gasp with pleasure. She parted her legs to accommodate him, her body jerking to the rhythm he was setting, until she pleaded with him to satisfy her completely.

  There was a short, sharp pain as he thrust into her, then only mounting bliss as he moved deep inside. He bent down to kiss her lips with fierce hunger and under the palms of her hands she could feel his back damp with perspiration. She closed her eyes and let sensation sweep her away. How could she think that she could ever have made love with anyone else? For her it had been an unbelievable experience.

  Later, as they lay next to each other on the bed, her head nestled in the crook of his arm, she wondered where they would go from here. What happened in situations like these? Was there some blueprint for behaviour?

  He kissed her ear, tucking her hair carefully behind the lobe and whispered that she was beautiful.

 
If only she could believe it. ‘Hardly,’ she murmured, blushing, and as if to assure her that he was telling the truth he led her hand to his arousal as it once again throbbed into life.

  Natalie wished that this would never end. Reason was so cold and harsh, but already, even while she enjoyed the heights of pleasure to which he was taking her, it was establishing itself.

  It was telling her that regret was only a short step away.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  THINGS always looked different in the cold light of day. Nightmares faded, depression lifted, hope sprang into life.

  Natalie stared at the first light of dawn through the crack in the curtains and thought that she couldn’t have been more miserable if she had tried. She looked down to where Kane was still sleeping, his face oddly vulnerable in repose, and closed her eyes. Memories of their lovemaking flooded through her mind, making her body tingle. So what was she going to do now? She had succumbed to temptation, unable to resist what he was offering her, and she knew that a price had to be paid.

  She shifted as quietly as she could to slip out of the bed and his hand flicked out, catching her by the wrist, making her start. Had he known that she had been staring at him?

  ‘Going somewhere?’ he asked lazily, looking at her with a possessive intimacy that made her body burn.

  Natalie cleared her throat. This situation would have to be handled delicately. There was no sense in weeping and wailing and tearing her hair out over what she had done. On the other hand, she knew with profound sadness that she could not be yet one more woman in his life, a dalliance that he would grow tired of soon enough and discard when she had outgrown her novelty value.

  ‘I thought I might make us some coffee,’ she murmured, and he picked up his watch from the side of the bed.

  ‘At five-thirty in the morning?’ His eyes focused with drowsy sexiness on her face. ‘Are you in the habit of getting up this early?’

  Natalie laughed uncomfortably. ‘I’m not used to sharing my bed with anyone, I suppose.’