I never knew about the baby and yet it hurts so fucking much.
She should have told me. I would have been here for her. She shouldn’t have gone through this alone.
Why didn’t she tell me?
Chapter 24
Silas
Her sobs are tearing me apart. I hate that she’s so upset, but I’m unable to move. I stand here staring at her. “What happened?” I don’t recognize my own voice. It’s gravelly and hard.
My voice gets through to her as she raises her eyes to me. The look on her face guts me. Broken isn’t a word to describe her. She’s totally beyond that. I want to pull her into my arms and tell her everything is going to be okay, but I can’t. How the fuck is everything going to be okay? We lost our fucking baby.
She shakes her head as the tears continue to fall. She gets to her knees, her hands resting in her lap as she keeps her eyes on me. They’re vacant as though she’s seeing anything but me. “I thought everything was fine,” her voice catches as her body wracks with another sob, “I went to the appointment. I was flying back to you the next day ready to surprise you. I was so happy.” She shakes her head. “I hadn’t been that happy in a very long time, the closest was being back with you.”
My mouth dries at her words. Fuck. She’s gutting me. Every word she says is like a knife in my heart.
“I sat in that fucking chair,” she spits out. “The nurse ran that wand over my stomach. I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. It was so perfect. Our baby was so beautiful. I saw her.” Her eyes close as pain tears through her features. “I didn’t realize that anything was wrong, I was just so consumed with what was on the screen.”
She’s got to stop, this is too fucking much and I’ve not even heard the worst part yet.
“I took pictures.” She lets out a bitter, painful laugh. “The ultrasound technician didn’t tell me. I took pictures, Si.” The tears are ever flowing. “When the doctor came in and told me that there was no heartbeat. I didn’t believe her.”
She shakily gets to her feet and moves to the French windows that faces out onto the ocean. She turns so that her back is to me and I watch as she wraps her arms around her stomach, I can see her fingertips as she clings to her sweater. I’m still rooted to the spot, unable to move as I listen to her spill all her wounds open for me.
“But I didn’t hear that whomping sound that I had heard at six weeks. The baby didn’t move the entire time I was snapping pictures our baby didn’t move.” Her head bows as her breath hitches. “She stopped growing at nine weeks. I didn’t know. I didn’t fucking know!” Her voice is getting louder. “How could I not know? My baby was dead for three weeks and I had no idea.”
I’m moving, I don’t even think about it, within seconds I’m wrapping her up into my arms. “Baby.”
She shakes her head, “What kind of mom am I? I didn’t know,” she whispers as she collapses against me.
I bite back the sob that’s threatening to fall. Fuck. How the hell did she go through this alone? “Baby, please don’t do this,” I plead with her, she’ll fuck with her head thinking that shit. “You’re going to be a great mom, when it’s our time.”
She turns and buries her head into my chest. “After I found out that she died, I had to schedule a procedure,” she tells me, her voice muffled against my tee. “The amniotic sac kept growing even though the baby didn’t.”
My hand tangles in her hair, loving the softness of it. “What procedure, baby?” I have no fucking idea what goes on with pregnancy.
“The baby was still inside of me, sometimes it goes away naturally, but she didn’t.” Her voice is laced with pain and I close my eyes, hating that she’s hurting and knowing there’s nothing I can do about it. “Three days, she was inside me for another three days. I never felt so much despair. Knowing that she was dead and there was no way that she was coming back.”
I press my lips to the top of her head, unable to say a word. I can’t imagine having to go through that. It fucking kills me to listen to her talk about it.
“Walking into that clinic was horrendous. Knowing that when I left, I’d be walking out without my baby.” Her body buckles and I catch her just before she goes down.
I swing her up into my arms and walk over to the sofa, her arms wrap around my neck and she buries her head into my chest once again. Once we’re seated I keep a tight hold on her, unwilling to let her go. I don’t think I could ever let her go even if I tried. “Carry on, baby.” My voice is hoarse and my eyes filled with tears. I’ve never been as fucking gutted as I am right now.
“It took ages before I went in for my surgery, I’m not sure how long I was waiting before they finally called me in. I’m grateful that I was put to sleep; when I woke up, my baby was gone.”
I pull her tighter into my arms, “Were you alone?”
She nods, “Bianca wanted to be there but I wouldn’t let her, she picked me up afterwards. I got home and I didn’t leave my bed for three days.”
“Baby, you should have called me,” I tell her softly as I start to rock her in my arms.
“I didn’t want you to hate me,” she whispers.
I pull her back so that she’s looking at me, her eyes filled with tears, they’re red and puffy and I have no doubt that she’s been like this since it’s happened. I should have been here for her. “I don’t hate you. I think you’re fucking amazing. You went through this alone. You shouldn’t have. I would have been here with you every fucking step of the way.”
“Our baby died…” she gasps as though she’s trying to catch her breath.
I nod, “I know, baby, but I also know that there's nothing you could have done.” I know that deep in my heart. When she was talking about her finding out she was pregnant I could tell how excited she was.
“I didn’t want you to feel this pain. I don’t want anyone to ever feel this pain.” She rests her forehead against mine and I kiss her nose. “It hurts so fucking much, Si. I feel as though I’m drowning, that I’m in this fog and I can’t break through.”
“We’re going to get you there,” I tell her. “I’m going to be right here by your side,” I promise her; there’s nowhere I’d rather be. Payton has always been mine and seeing her like has practically brought me to my knees.
“I’m sorry that I never told you.”
I’m not sure if I’m grateful or not. A part of me wants to be mad that I didn’t know, but then if I did, I’d feel even fucking more distraught than I feel right now. “I understand why you did it, baby, but never again, no more secrets.”
She nods, “I promise. Thank you for coming here.”
I take her face into my hands. “Always, baby, I’ll always be here for you.” For the first time in over three months, I kiss her.
Her lips are cold, wet, and soft, but she melts into me as she always does whenever our lips touch.
“I love you, Payton.” I swipe away her tears with my thumb, hating that she’s still crying.
She sobs, “I love you, Si.” Once again, she buries her head into my chest. I lean back into the cushions and hold her tight. She sighs contently, “I’ve missed you so much,” she whispers.
“Me too, baby.” I kiss her head, smelling the sweet scent of cherries. Some things never change.
Within moments, she’s fast asleep in my arms. I move gently so that I’m lying down too, never once letting go of her. Needing to hold her, the enormity of what’s happened to her, to us, hits me and I pull her closer to me as I close my eyes and my tears fall freely.
Chapter 25
Payton
I wake feeling extremely warm, as soon as I open my eyes, everything comes flooding back. Silas is here. I’m not sure how he’s here or why, but I’m so glad that he is. I didn’t realize how much I needed him until he knocked on my door.
The room is shrouded in darkness and I wonder just how long we slept. Silas arrived here not long after nine. I haven’t slept in two weeks, and being in his arms made me feel safe and
secure.
I’ve cried so much these last few weeks, but telling Silas was a weight off my shoulders. I bared my soul to him and he held me through it all. I thought he’d hate me, because I wasn’t able to protect our baby, but he’s here holding me as though I’m the most precious gift in the world.
I glance up at him, he has us lying on the sofa with me resting on top of him. He’s fast asleep, his snores are soft and comforting. Tears cling to his eyes and I realize that he’s been crying. My heart aches at him hurting, but I know that it was inevitable.
I gently move off him, not wanting to wake him, I grab my phone off the coffee table and quietly make my way outside onto my back porch. As soon as I step outside, the salty air hits me and I breathe it in deeply, loving the way it hits my lungs. I kick off my shoes and step off of my porch.
The sand is cool against my feet, but I don’t mind, I love it. Being here has made me feel more centered. I love New York, it’s been my home for two years now, but being by the sea has always made me feel at ease. Seattle has always been my dream and it’s just like coming home.
I walk on the sand for a few minutes before I find a spot and sit down. The cool Seattle breeze whips around me but I don’t feel the chill. I stare out onto the bay where the lights from the city are reflected on the water and once again my tears fall freely. Relief and heartache rip through me; relieved that Silas knows and that he’s here, but heartache that our angel is never going to know just how much we love her.
I think about all the things that Silas and I are going to miss out on. I’m torturing myself, I know I am, but I’m unable to stop it. I imagine what he’d be like with her when she had her first smile, when she cut her first tooth, and when she took her first steps. I know that Silas would make an amazing father, one that would love unconditionally and fiercely.
The tears fall silently, as I mourn for what could have been and the little girl that I’ll always love but will never hold. She’ll always have my heart, a piece of me will always be with her.
My cell buzzes in my hand and I see it’s a message from Natalie.
Natalie: Are you okay?
I reply instantly, not wanting her to worry.
Me: I’m doing better. I guess I have you to thank for Silas turning up at my door?
I’m not angry, in fact, I’m extremely grateful, it would have been hard for me to call him and then to tell him everything. This way, I managed to get it all out, whereas I’m not sure I could have done it the other way.
Natalie: I may have said something to Will who took it upon himself to get Silas to you. Are you mad?
My heart warms at her words. I have so many people around me that care about me. I never realized just how lucky I am.
Me: I’m not mad. I’m extremely grateful. Thank you, Nat, for everything.
Natalie: Anytime, my friend. The girls are demanding a night out.
I smile. It seems so normal to go out with the girls. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to let loose and be free and not be buried beneath the pain and heartache.
Me: Let me know when and I’ll see if Bianca can come too.
Natalie: Sounds good, will text you the deets. Call me if you need me.
I close my eyes and relish in the love that I’m surrounded with.
Me: Will do. Thank you.
I should call Dahlia, I haven’t spoken to her in a while, though I’ve kept in contact with my siblings. I’ve been able to put on a facade with them, but Dahlia she knows me too well, she’ll see right through it. She messages me a lot demanding to know if I’m okay. I know that I’m hurting her by pushing her away but it’s what I always do. When Mom and Dad died I pushed everyone away, then when I thought Si cheated on me, I pushed him away and locked myself up tight. When things get tough, I withdraw from everyone until I can’t any longer. I’ll do it tomorrow, today has been exhausting and I’ve slept most of it away.
I feel warmth from behind me and I don’t turn, I already know who it is. He sits down behind me, his legs spread out either side of my body and his hands splay across my belly and I gasp, this is what it should have been like.
“When you’re ready, we’ll try again,” he says softly. “Whenever you’re ready, baby.”
I lean back against him, needing his strength. “What if I’m never ready?”
He kisses the top of my head. “Then we’ll spend the rest of our lives together.”
Just like that. So fucking simple.
“Do you want more kids?” he asks, his voice filled with love.
I shrug, then I tell him the ultimate fear I have about trying again. “I’m scared, what if we get pregnant and then we lose the baby again?”
His arms tighten around me, “If you want to try again, we’ll get the best doctors.” He promises me and I love him even more. “You don’t need to decide now, the option is open.”
God, he’s the fucking best. “What if I don’t, what about you?”
His mouth moves to my ear. “You. Are. All. I. Need. You. Are. All. I. Want.”
Holy shit.
“Si…” I whisper, unsure of how to even respond to that.
We’re silent for a bit, both of us lost in our own thoughts, listening to the water crash onto the edge of the bay.
“Why are you here, baby?” he asks, breaking through the quietness. “Not that I’m mad, I’m fucking glad you are.”
“I’m here because this is now where I live.” I twist my head so that I can look at him, his eyes are soft as he stares down at me. “When I found out that I was pregnant, I knew that I wanted to live in Seattle and be near the water. I found this place and loved it instantly. I bought it. I was hoping that you’d live here with me.” My voice is barely a whisper on that part.
“Seriously?” I can see his grin and my body sags in relief. I nod, “Love you, baby. You bought this house for us?”
I nod, “I’ll give you a tour in a bit.” I’m not ready to move from our spot just yet. The feeling of being in his arms is unlike anything else.
He kisses my head once again and I sigh contently. “When’s your next shoot, baby?”
I tense as I bite my lip, shit, I haven’t told him the other news that I have.
“Pay?” Worry fills his voice.
“I’m not sure, I don’t have one for the next few months. I was offered a part in a movie.”
“Really?” The pride in his voice makes me smile, “Holy shit, you’re going to be a movie star!”
“Yeah, I seriously wonder how the hell I landed the role but the director wanted me to audition and I did. I landed the roll. Filming begins next week, here in Seattle.” It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to take the job in the first place. Close to my family and to Silas.
“Thank fuck. I’m proud of you, baby. You’ve achieved so much, but it’ll be good to finally have you to myself for a while without you jetting around the world.”
I laugh, “Are you moving in?” He never did say.
He gets to his feet and pulls me up with him. “Baby, I’ll be all moved in tomorrow. You’re stuck with me.” His lips descend on mine and for the first time in weeks, the heartache isn’t as overwhelming as it was.
Chapter 26
Silas
Payton’s sitting on the sofa with her legs crossed, Dahlia’s sitting beside her as the boys play outside on the beach, with Mary watching over them. Dahlia turned up this morning worried out of her mind. Payton told me that she hadn’t really spoken to anyone since she lost the baby and she kept everyone at arm’s length. Dahlia especially, and only sent her messages. Dahlia had enough of being pushed away and showed up demanding answers.
Right now, Pay’s reliving her heartache and I fucking hate it. I told her that I would have told Dahlia, save her the pain of going over it again. But Payton said no, that she owed her aunt an explanation. I’m hovering close by because I know that she’s going to break down again, and when she does, I’m going to be here to show her that she’s not alone.
> I’m fucking devastated that the baby is gone, but I was honest with Pay when I told her that if she didn’t want any more then I was fine with it. All I need in life is Payton, any children we have would be blessings and I’d love them, but Payton is all I need.
My cell rings and Payton’s eyes come to me, she gives me a small smile, but I see the hesitance lurking behind. She’s worried about me leaving. Last night we spoke about all the shit that had happened from the moment her parents died and our lives changed. She’s scared that I’m going to leave. My girl has no idea the depths of what I feel. We’ve been apart for too fucking long; I’m not going anywhere.
Hearing her tell me that she bought us a house, I couldn’t help but smile. She gave me something that I’ve wanted since I was sixteen and knew that Seattle Football is where I wanted to play. This has been my dream, playing for the best team in the country and being with the woman I love. Her buying this house has made that dream into a reality.
“Cas,” I say as I answer the phone, wondering what’s going on with him. I told him that I was with Payton, trying to make things right between us.
“Just wanted to let you know that I’ll be gone for a few days. I’m going to see Saya.” I haven’t heard him sound at ease for a while.
“Good.” I’ve been telling him this for weeks.
“Yep, it’s time. You’ve got Payton back, now I’m going to get my woman back. How are things between you two?”
I glance at my girl and see that she’s crying in Dahlia’s arms. She’s in good hands, I take a step outside so that I can talk freely. “Between us, great. But something happened and she’s not doing too good.”
“What happened?” There’s an edge to his tone and this is why he’s my brother. He’s got my back no matter what.
Back With Me: A With Me in Seattle Universe Novel (Lady Boss Press Presents: With Me in Seattle Universe) Page 13
