by Milly Taiden
“You're sure?”
“Positive and when we do it again, I have condoms. You need to trust me a bit, Love. My intentions are not pure, obviously, but they're really good. I promise, I won't do to you anything you don't want me to do. ”
“Hmmm hmmm,” I say, “I'm going to close my eyes for a minute. ” I roll over and in Ten's boyhood bed, we sleep and fit together like spoons in a drawer.
*
I wake up to the sound of Alexander softly snoring in my ear. His head is in the clouds. He's fast asleep. Another part of his anatomy is wide awake. There's a clock ticking on the nightstand. It's an old round model with Mickey Mouse's ears. It's five to twelve. Incongruous, next to this childhood icon there's a handful of condoms.
Alexander came prepared but obviously he had not counted on the impractical aspect of the hot tub. I hope he's right about the effect of the scalding waters on sperm.
I'm starving for food and for Alexander's attention. Not necessarily in that order. I think I know how I want to put the year 1978 to rest.
I take a condom and turn around to face Alexander. I tear the foil and study it's content. It's like a sock that would have been rolled down a leg. To put it on one needs to roll it up. Okay, I can do that . . . I lift the quilt and after a little fumbling, I roll the thin membrane slowly down his length. Alexander's hips move in my direction and when I look up to his face I see he's no longer asleep. His eyes are wide open and he’s grinning.
“I love a woman who takes the initiative,” he says as he rolls on his back taking me with him. “I can't think of a more glorious way to celebrate the New Year. ”
Neither can I. I straddle him and lower myself on his length, slowly. We move together. It's a sensual ballet. I have this image of a tango dance. Except tango is black and white and now I see a million colors, and fireworks and endless bliss. Making love is magical. I don't think I'll ever tire of this.
“Well I sure hope not!” Alexander says.
Hear, hear, I've done it again. Spoken my thought out loud.
I try not to think about what’s going to happen with us. Maybe it's better that we don't see the future. If it's not good we'll know it soon enough. If it's good, we'll enjoy it even more by being surprised.
***
PART TWO
1979 - 1980
CHAPTER EIGHT
It's the middle of the night and there's this horrible pain in my back. It's as if someone is stabbing me repeatedly with an icepick. Maybe it's a stomach virus. Something I ate for dinner does not agree with me. I go back to sleep.
It comes back with a vengeance. I open my eyes and go into full denial mode. It's too early. It's not been a full nine months yet. But the truth is that I'm not really sure what the date is. I've lost track of time. I close my eyes and breathe deeply. I doze again.
When the third wave of pain subsides, I sit up in my bed and get dressed. I hate those-tent like dresses I have been wearing lately.
Once I'm dressed I go back to bed praying it’s a false alarm and fall asleep again.
I grit my teeth. What is giving birth going to be like if this is just what the labor pains feel like? The thought sets me in a panic and I pound on the door of my room hoping that I'm going to be loud enough to wake my two jailers.
I've been having frightful dreams about delivering the baby by myself, all alone in my room. I pound on the door again and listen for any noise that would indicate that they've heard me. I yell, “Maria, Maria, can you hear me? The baby's coming. ”
I'm about to kick the door when the contractions return. I take two steps back and curl up on the bed. I twist around looking for a comfortable position. My efforts are in vain. I guess there are no such positions when you're in labor. I try the short breathing I’ve seen people do in movies but it does not do a thing for me.
The door opens and Miguel looks at me and says, “Stop screaming. You're scaring Maria. ”
I had not realized I was screaming but I must have been because my throat hurts. Maria pushes him aside and comes kneel by my bed. She's dressed. She touches my belly. I'm as tense as a drum. She turns around and says to her husband, “Go get the car, the baby's coming now. ”
Miguel turns around and leaves. I look in Maria's eyes. I know she's a good person, I think she likes me so I plead with her, “Maria, please, I beg of you, let me go or take me to the hospital. ” If she takes me to the private institution where I've been getting my checkups, I know they will take the baby away from me and that will be the end of me. I can't let that happen.
Maria brushes my hair from my forehead and hushes me. “It's gonna be all right, Lyv,” she says. “It's for the best, little girl. I know you don't want to hear that now but you're barely eighteen. What would you do with a baby when you're still a baby yourself?”
I can't agree with her but at least she's caring. She truly thinks that abandoning my child will be to my benefit. But that's not why it's happening. That's not the way the Bitch sees it. She was the first to realize I was pregnant. What tipped her of was the fact that I didn't get my monthly migraine for two months. When a third month passed, she knew. By then I had become aware of the situation too.
“Your coming into this world was a mistake. It was my mistake so I had no choice but to pay the price,” the Bitch said and then pointing to my belly, she hissed between clenched teeth, “This one is your mistake and I will not be responsible for what's to become of it. ”
“That's fine,” I had told her. “I will move out at the end of the school year and you will not have to take care of me anymore. ”
I didn't really have a plan but I still had several months to figure it out. Ten was coming back from Europe for Spring break and he would help me find a solution. I didn't care if Alexander wanted the baby or not, of course I wished he would, but in any case that baby was my responsibility and I was going to be as good a mother as mine had been dreadful.
Life went back to normal for a couple of weeks and then, one evening, she had me kidnapped. Two men came for me a little after school. They drugged me and carried me out on a gurney to an ambulance. I phased in and out for a full day and woke up in this windowless room. How many days have gone by since? I don't know. I lost count.
What I know for a fact, on the other hand, is that the Bitch has come up with a convincing story to tell everyone at home. She’s so attached to appearances I have no doubt her lie is good and everyone’s bought her story. She likes being seen as a victim so she’s probably acting distraught and telling every one how worried she is that I ran away. Who knows? It should be around the end of the summer, it’s still hot and it’s very humid. When I get a look at the outside world it seems to be raining all the time.
During the first weeks I made Maria's life hell. Every single time she opened the door, I fought her and tried to escape. Every single time Miguel was right behind me and dragged me back in my room kicking and screaming. I swear the man will never forget me. He now has scars on his face and on his arms to remember me by. I gave it all I had.
God, did I fight. I stopped when the struggles brought about contractions. Maria warned me: “If you keep that up you're going to lose the baby. ”
Well now it's happening. I'm about to lose my baby. I feel so helpless. I hate it. I need to find a way out of here. I know where we're going. We've been at the medical center eight times already to get me checked up and supervised. The first time they gave me all kinds of blood tests and then they pronounced me healthy as a horse and free from any diseases. They prescribed a diet that Maria has made me follow religiously. I don't think any one had ever taken such good care of me before but I can't enjoy it because it's all for the wrong reason.
They are not taking care of me for me, they are treating me like a giant incubator. For them I'm this baby manufacturing machine they need to maintain to get a perfect product in the end. On the way to the center for checkups, I was able to figure out that that the facility where I am to give birth is located near a
town called Jupiter. The facility is run by some cult and it's organized like a high security prison. Once Maria and her husband check me in I'll never be able to escape. I’ve been there enough to realize that.
Every single time I was there, Maria and Miguel made sure that I never met anybody else but the staff. Nevertheless I got a glimpse of several pregnant girls and once in a while I heard babies cry. My guess is that it’s the maternity ward of a home for pregnant girls.
As the pain recedes, Maria helps me get in a sitting position and gently gets me up on my feet and down the stairs of the house. She makes me sit in front of a large fan and explains that we’re going to wait a little while. Miguel’s gone to get the car. The fresh air from the fan is a welcome treat. I fall asleep almost right away. Not for long.
A few contraction sets later, Maria wakes me up and says, “Come on, Lyv. You need to walk out to the car before the next contraction comes. ”
I follow her. This trip is my last chance to escape but I’m big and so tired, I can barely walk by myself. Maria sits in the back of the car with me. She lays me down with my head on her knees and cradles me in her arms. “It's going to be all right,” she says. “The doctors are going to give you something for the pain. Come on baby, just a little while longer and it will be fine. Take a deep breath. ”
I don't want to breathe. I want to die. But then if I die now I will kill my baby. What kind of mother would that make me? The pain comes back and I scream. It's not only the pain, it's the frustration, the helplessness. I'm hurt and angry. I kick the door of the car every time the contractions come back. Miguel curses under his breath in Spanish and Maria scolds him. As if I cared about what he's saying. I'm in so much pain, I don't care about anything else.
We reach our destination and Miguel jumps out to open the door on my side. Maria gently tries to push me out of the car. I refuse to move. I know I'm not making sense but I won't budge. As long as I'm in the car I'm not having my baby and as long as I'm not having my baby, they can't take him or her away from me.
Miguel understands they won't be able to handle me alone. He goes to get help. This is my last chance. If I make it to the main road maybe a car will stop and help me escape. I muster all my strength and manage to slide out of the car. I lean on the side of the vehicle to get on my feet. I start to walk back in the direction we just came from before Maria understands what's happening.
I'm just a few feet away from the car when the next contraction hits. Hell, it's getting worse. I can't breathe. I grit my teeth and take one more step. Come on, Lyv, you can do it. Just one more step. My legs fail me and I fall to my hands and knees on the gravel. The combined pains are excruciating. I breathe in and scream, “Help, somebody help me please!”
On all fours now I try to move further away from the car. I can barely budge and then strong hands pick me up. I'm lifted on a gurney.
This is it. I lost. The Bitch wins.
I'm going to lose my baby.
They wheel me into a delivery room. The contractions are closer and closer as well as stronger and stronger. Time has taken a strange turn. It stretches forever during the contractions and then flies away in between. I’ve totally lost all sense of time. I don’t know if it’s been hours or days. This can’t go on for much longer. If it does I’ll die of exhaustion.
The midwife looks tired too and Maria seems worried. She coos at me and wipes my forehead with a towel. Maria's been next to me the entire time holding my hand. It's so perverse that the only comfort I'm getting now is provided by the woman who's dragged me here.
“Almost done,” says the midwife.
I’m so tired I don’t even have the strength to follow her instructions. When she says push, I try to push but it doesn’t seem to do anything. I scream in pain and frustration. A soft woman’s voice asks if they can’t give me something for the pain and the midwife answers “In pain you shall bring forth children. ”
No kidding!
After what seems like an eternity, the midwife says, “One more and we'll be done. ” I try to push again, I give it all I have and I hear a baby wail. The midwife clamps the umbilical cord and wraps the baby in a small cloth. “It's a girl,” she says.
A woman I had not seen before steps in my line of vision. She's in her twenties and very pretty. She takes my daughter in her arms. She looks lovingly at her and says, “Hello, welcome to the world, little Eve. ”
Her voice is very melodious and there's a lilt to her speech, probably a southern accent. I can't identify it precisely. She’s the one who asked if there was nothing to help me with the pain. I look at her and start to sob uncontrollably. This woman is going to take my baby away and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm too weak to fight and even if I did find it in me to stand, they would overpower me in a second.
The woman turns around to looks at me and she tells me, “I'm going to take very good care of her, I promise. I've been waiting for her for so long, she's going to be the happiest little girl on the planet. ” I can see she means it but it doesn't make it hurt less.
The midwife presses on my tummy and looks a little worried. “Got to get the placenta out,” she says to Maria who’s still holding my hand. It’s so weird the way she won’t look at me when she says that.
“I’m sorry dear,” she says, “but I have no choice but to do this. ” I’m not sure who she’s talking too but she takes my daughter back from the woman’s arms and brings her to me. “Right now this little girl needs to get some food. ”
She sits me up and tells me there’s nothing better for a baby that her mother’s milk. I'm overjoyed. Maybe I’ll get to spend some time with my little girl. Maybe I’ll get another chance to run with her but then the midwife pulls away the sheet that covers me and while she puts my baby in my arms and one of my nipples in her mouth she tells me breast feeding is going to do me good.
“Breast feeding causes contractions that help the uterus expel the placenta. So don’t be startled if you feel new contractions. It's part of a normal process,” she explains to me and I understand that this is the reason why I get to hold my daughter, the placenta’s not coming out spontaneously. My daughter starts nursing and indeed, it feels as if there's a direct line between my breasts and my lower regions. The new contractions are not nearly as painful as before. They’re mild enough that I can think about something else.
I can think about Eve.
If I can't find a way to escape with her, her name is going to be Eve. Actually it could be her name no matter what. It's pretty, I like it.
Her beautiful grey eyes lock onto mine and I dissolve in a torrent of tears. Eve frowns, I don't think it's my tears, it's the concentration. Nursing looks like hard work. After a few minutes she stops and falls asleep the nipple still in her mouth while the contractions continue. The midwife looks happy. The placenta is coming out.
***
CHAPTER NINE
Now I know, it’s in Florida that I’ve been locked up.
The train ride back to New York takes forever. I look through the window but I don't really see anything. I feel numb. I stopped feeling when they took Eve away after two days of nursing.
I know it's my own fault if I only had her for two days and not a week as they had originally planned but I have no regrets. I had to try to get away at least one more time. I'm glad I did.
Obviously trying to set the building on fire was not such a clever idea but that was the only thing that I could think of that would force them to throw all the doors wide open. I look at the picnic bag Maria gave me as she sat me in the train. There's a bottle of water and a couple of sandwiches. I'm parched. Lately I've always felt parched. I've turned into a milk manufacturing plant, I guess I need fluids.
Well except there's no one to manufacture the milk for anymore. One of the nurses or rather wardens told me to look for milk banks. I had no idea there was such a thing but it seems they’ve been around since the beginning of the century. I understand that women with too much milk can
go “pump-up” in those places and give away their production.
One of the other girls in the ward advised me against it. She said pumping keeps the machine going and I probably don't want to do that. She's right, I don't. But still, I'm parched so I drink the water and stare outside again.
Eve's adoptive mother looked like a caring woman. She was very sweet to me. She told me Eve would see a lot of the world. Her husband shushed her. I guess he wanted me to know as little about them as possible. It was a bit silly, when they spoke in front of me, he called her “wife” instead of using her first name. I had never heard someone talk to a spouse that way. He seems very devoted to her but not really a baby guy. “Wife” will have to make sure that Eve grows on him.
All things considered her life will very likely be easier with them than it would have been with me. Before they left, I asked her, “Will you tell her she's adopted?” The woman said no. Maybe it's better this way. I'm not sure I would have had an appropriate message for this woman to give her from me. I just pray that she'll be happy.
I fall asleep. When I wake up my picnic bag is gone. Well, I wasn't going to eat it anyway. I still have my own bag I was using as a pillow. I do the inventory. Two jeans, three tee-shirts and some underwear. I'm still wearing one of my tents. Everything in this bag is probably too small. I know the bras are for sure.
At the bottom of the bag there's some small change. In the bag pocket there's a train ticket to go from New York City to Long Island. As if I were ever going back there! I shred the ticket in tiny pieces and as I drop the confetti in the ashtray, I realize I could probably have obtained a refund. That was dumb. I hit my head against the window. Why am I so stupid?
