by Milly Taiden
Adrian’s jaw tensed. I rested my chin on his chest.
“I dumped him after that first date. Fucking first date. Can you believe it? When I thought about it a few months later, you were the only one I could think of because at no other time was I more grateful than knowing that a man whom I truly loved with all my heart had been my first.” A tear rolled down my cheek. “That a man like you took my virginity so gently, with love and compassion, and not a rapist who forced himself on me. You were the best decision of my life.”
Adrian’s grip tightened and he lowered his mouth to gently kiss away the tears, one on each cheek. I snuggled into him, feeling that kiss travel down my body.
“It makes me sick to think Christa will have to face fucks like him when she grows up. That’s why she’s in karate. I need her to know how to defend herself if she needs to. I wish I could have.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you, T. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to beat the crap out of him.” Adrian’s fingers dug into my arms. “I think I would have killed him.”
And I believed he would have.
“It’s in the past, but it’s something I wish I could erase. I doubt myself because of it. I don’t listen to my instinct because it betrayed me that time. I wanted to believe Colin was good, like you. Yet the incident also reminds me how grateful I am to have had you in my life when I did.” I pressed harder into him, my cheek on his chest, right above those inked words of love. The rhythm below me, the calm breath and heart combined, did something amazing to my soul. “As much as you’ve changed, you’re still the same good-hearted man I met years ago. Your heart still feels like it’s open for me all the time.”
“It never closed, T. And it’s always been yours.”
“You know, when Dan cheated, it crushed me. For me, it was like that day Colin took advantage of me all over again—he lied to get what he wanted, and my feelings were non-existent. And that’s how I knew our marriage couldn’t be repaired.” I felt my brows furrow as I wondered how and why Adrian had remained single. I traced my finger along his chest then up toward his shoulder where the black tattoo lines merged and parted, crossing down to his back. “Why didn’t you ever marry? I mean, not that I’d expect you to just because you were going to have a child.”
“I would have married Jane, Matt’s mom, but our problems went beyond being young parents.”
I waited until he continued, knowing well it was my turn to listen.
“They still do. She’s never been in Matt’s life as much as I’d like her to be. That summer you came back, when you were eighteen, when you hoped we could get back together, she was pregnant. Everything inside me shut down that day I saw you on the soccer field. I wanted to run away with you, but that’d mean abandoning a pregnant girlfriend. You left gracefully, and I wished I could have told you why it wasn’t the time for our paths to cross yet. A few months later you stopped writing, though, so I took that as a sign, I guess. The stars didn’t align the way I had hoped they would. They wouldn’t for another twenty years.”
That part of the story my cousins had skipped, and I hadn’t done the math myself to figure out it was that summer I returned when Adrian’s girlfriend would have been pregnant.
“Then Matt was born. Jane fell into depression and turned to drinking. It took her a while to recover, but by that time I was a young single father trying to raise a son while keeping his mother sober, you were married, and I realized my heart would never completely belong to anyone else but you. But I had to go on for Matt.”
Wow!
“You could have found someone else.”
“There was no one else who would ever compare to you. I mean, I dated on and off, but nothing serious.”
He took a deep breath in. My head lifted with his chest before falling, and I knew he wanted to say more. This time, Adrian was the one to be nervous.
“I fought for me and Jane for a long time, because she gave me a beautiful son. She tried to get sober. I hired doctors and sent her to professional clinics and rehab centers. But nothing worked. Jane took the concept of a ‘professional liar’ to a whole new level. She’d say she wasn’t drinking while holding a glass in her hand. And then there were the needles I found in her house, and that was it. I couldn’t let Matt be exposed to that shit, so I kept him away… and she didn’t even care.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“That’s why I hate lies. Nothing good can ever come out of a lie, and there’s no way to hide it.”
In that moment I imagined Adrian as a single father trying to raise his son, and I wished I’d been there for him, even as a friend. I wished I’d had the strength to keep writing to him.
“What would you have done if you hadn’t had kids, and your marriage hadn’t worked out?” he asked out of nowhere.
I lifted my head, resting my chin on his hard pecs again.
“Honestly?” Of course I would be honest with him. I always had been. “I promised myself the day I didn’t write back to you that if things didn’t work out with Dan, I’d go back to see if we could have another chance.”
His mouth curved up. “That’s what I hoped you’d say.”
“You’ve always owned a piece of my heart, and when I stopped writing, I managed to close that part off. I sealed off my past with you in it. And then you tore it right open that day you found me in the bar.”
Adrian sat up, forcing me off him. I sat in front of him with my legs to the side. He skimmed my cheek with the back of his hand.
“It should seem we were young and stupid, but it doesn’t feel that way.”
“Weren’t we?”
“No. You and me. We were the real deal. I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved you.”
“Ditto.” I bit my lip.
Deep inside my heart I knew exactly what Adrian meant because I felt the same way. But what did that say about my marriage? Had I just settled because I couldn’t get back with Adrian? No, I’d loved Dan. It was just a different kind of love. I’d been older, and presumably wiser, and I’d thought that the next logical step was to marry the man who cared about me and professed his love to me. Yet I couldn’t deny that there had been something innocent and deep when I’d loved for the very first time. The feeling had been imprinted in my heart as if carved in stone, and it would stay with me until I died. At no other time in my life would I allow anyone else to carve their love into me the way Adrian had.
“You’re shivering. Put this on.” Adrian reached for his shirt and pulled it over my head.
We talked for another hour about raising our kids, and it surprised me how much we had in common: him being a single father and Dan’s work hours causing me to feel like a single mother. It sounded like Adrian had raised his son to be a kind gentleman, and apparently Adrian had told him everything he could about me, too. I hoped I’d get to meet him one day.
Soon the first stars began to shimmer in the night sky. I changed into the pants I’d packed but left Adrian’s shirt on, keeping his scent on me. Darkness surrounded us, and I was glad it was one of the warmer nights of the season. We wouldn’t get too many of those in the weeks to come.
“Too bad it took twenty years for our stars to align,” he said, setting up the telescope. “But you have two beautiful kids, and I have Matt. I’m sure neither one of us would want that changed.”
“Never,” I agreed. “You know, maybe we needed life to teach us enough to appreciate each other now.”
“Maybe.” He focused the lens. “Here, look now.”
For the first time in my life, I peered through a telescope lens. The stars appeared like sparkling gems, absolutely breathtaking. And they seemed so close it felt like I could actually reach out and touch one. No wonder Matt had fallen in love with astronomy. Anyone seeing what I was must have felt a rush of excitement. The sky was so close yet so far away—just like Adrian and I had been for so long.
“See how the four brighter ones form a trapezoid, and the three that follow are like a
n attached handle? Think of a ladle. That’s the Little Dipper.”
“Hhm.” I giggled, still unable to tear my gaze away from the night sky. “My constellation. I guess Matt’s hobby has rubbed off on you a bit.”
“Yeah, his dream is to see the Northern Lights. I told him I’d fund his trip to Canada or Iceland once he graduates to take him up North.”
“He’ll love that.”
“Yeah, he will.”
Adrian’s phone buzzed at the same time a star fell out of the sky and I quickly made a wish—for him and Matt.
“Hello,” Adrian said and I turned to face him. His face drooped, and I immediately knew that whoever called him didn’t have the best news. “I won’t, I promise. We’re on our way. Fifteen minutes max.” He hung up.
Something told me our date was over.
CHAPTER 12
“Who was that?” I asked.
“We gotta go, T. Please don’t ask where because I can’t tell you until we get there.”
“Our evening is done, isn’t it?” My voice shook because deep in my belly, I knew the phone call had nothing to do with our date, and whatever it was, it had ruined Adrian’s good mood, and would likely more than ruin mine if he told me.
“Sort of. Just trust me. We need to hurry.”
Adrian collected the blanket, telescope and our wet suits in such a rush I thought there was a fire somewhere. In the car, his grip on the steering wheel was tight and his foot on the gas pedal heavy. My stomach twisted into tight knots and my knees wobbled up and down. The closer we got to the city center the more nervous I became.
“I’m a good driver, T. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you,” he said. But I hadn’t even thought about the drive. My worries drifted to the thousands of reasons why he wouldn’t tell me who’d called or where we were going.
“You’re scaring me. Please,” I begged. A lump formed in my throat, and the tears fell on their own. By this point I knew something had happened; and whatever it was, Adrian didn’t want to freak me out. “Tell me where we’re going.”
He let out a long breath, saying, “We’re almost there. Don’t panic when I tell you this, but your mother called. Jonathan broke his leg. She left for the hospital right after she called me.”
“Oh, my God! Why the hell didn’t she call me?”
“So that you wouldn’t be over-thinking or panic while we drove. She made me promise and said she wouldn’t babysit again if I told you. Your mother has one hell of a sense of humor.”
Yes, that was definitely her way of dealing with stress—make a joke about it and threaten anyone who got in the way. Just as we pulled into the front entrance my mother’s car drove into the lot. Adrian shifted the car back into gear and parked in the next available space, a few spots away.
“Mom, you should drive to the emergency door,” I yelled out as soon as I got out of the car.
A wail of pain sounded from my mom’s new Ford, and my heart clenched.
“I’m sorry, I can’t think.” She pulled the back door open and covered her mouth. I hadn’t seen her this worried since I’d been wheeled in with a burst appendix six months after Christa was born.
Adrian was first by the car, and stepped in beside my mother. “Hey, buddy, do you mind if I carry you?” he asked Jonathan.
As I approached the front of the car my son simply cried out and reached up to Adrian.
“T, stay where you are. Christa, come out from the other side, honey, and hold your mom’s hand. I need you to make sure she’s not looking at Jonathan’s leg or she’ll faint.” He then turned his attention back to me. “Lead the way and do not look, T.”
My heart raced. How bad was it? When my daughter stepped out of the car, her eyes were red from crying and her nose was dripping. She gripped my hand the way Adrian had asked her to, and I held onto it as if it were my lifeline.
Leaning into the car, he said again, “Promise me you won’t look, T.”
“I promise.” I covered my eyes with my hand, turned around, and sobbed. But the mere thought of my son’s leg made me feel queasy. I tried to concentrate on the MADD sticker on my mom’s car. She passed me a tissue, and I wiped Christa’s nose.
“Ready?” he asked Jonathan.
“It really hurts.” My son’s scream tore through me, releasing a new wave of tears and nausea. My heart was running out of beating room, and I peeked back at Adrian.
“I’ll be gentle. Turn around, T,” Adrian called out without looking. I started walking toward the ER just as Adrian scooped Jonathan up into his arms. From the corner of my eye I saw my son’s twisted leg, completely backward.
“Oh, God!” I cried. My stomach turned. The parking lot spun as I pressed my feet forward, squeezing Christa’s hand. Don’t faint, don’t faint, I chanted in my mind, but it didn’t help. That second-long image weaved up my torso, and the hospital in front of me begun spinning. My vision blurred. Spots appeared in front of me, and everything started turning from color to black and white.
“Fran, catch her!” Adrian yelled and I felt my mother’s arms underneath my armpits before my knees gave out. I sucked in a deep breath of air.
By that time we were near the entrance. “Christa, get that wheelchair for your mom and meet me inside,” Adrian called, carrying Jonathan through the sliding doors. My mother wheeled me in a few seconds behind them. My son was already with the triage nurse behind a glass window, his lower body thankfully hidden by the half-wall.
“Are you all right, ma’am? You’re quite pale,” another nurse at my side said.
“I’ll be fine in a minute. That’s my son there,” I sobbed.
“This is his health card.” My mother handed her the plastic ID. “Christa, get some orange juice from that pop machine, please.” My mother handed her some change. “And pick something for yourself too, darling.”
“Okay, Grandma. Are they going to cut Jonathan’s leg off?” she asked.
My insides cringed and I began feeling lightheaded again.
“No, sweetie. But he’ll probably need surgery. Mia? Mia, do you need to lie down?”
I shook my head. At this point my sitting position wasn’t helping me either.
“You’re Jonathan’s mom?” another nurse asked and I nodded. “If you sign these, we can begin treating him.” She handed me a form on a clipboard and I scribbled my signature on the bottom. I’d been here so many times before with the kids, it was routine. But I’d never been here with a broken limb.
“Nurse, she has vasovagal syndrome. She needs to lie down,” my mom interrupted.
“We’ll get her a bed.”
I looked ahead to see Jonathan. Adrian’s gaze darted from my son to me. I wanted to go in there, but unfortunately I couldn’t control my lowered blood pressure and insufficient oxygen. I closed my eyes for a moment, fighting the spinning. Thank God for my mom and for Adrian! I didn’t know what I would have done without them.
“You need to breathe, T. Jonathan is fine.” Adrian was at my side, lifting my legs. “They gave him some painkillers, his leg is covered, and you can go see him once you’re strong enough.”
Christa returned with my orange juice. I drank half the bottle in one gulp and said, “I want to see him now.”
“Mia, you know you can’t control your condition. Give it a moment. I’ll go be with Jonathan, and you come join me when you’re ready. Come, Christa.” My mom nodded to Adrian and headed inside.
Sounds drifted away at a quicker pace. This stupid condition I had wouldn’t improve until I lay down and proper blood flow resumed to my brain. A new wave of panic surfaced.
“He’s going to be all right, T,” Adrian whispered. He rolled my wheelchair to the side and pulled together a few chairs in a row. For some reason the ER wasn’t as full as usual. We were lucky that Jonathan didn’t have to wait for hours to see a doctor. “Let’s get you down. Give it five minutes and we can go see Jonathan.” He helped me off the wheelchair and I lay down on the chairs in the waiting room.
Adrian lifted my feet, bracing them against his chest. I could have sworn I felt the blood flow straight into my brain within seconds.
“You’ll get your shirt dirty.” My voice sounded so low. No wonder they wouldn’t let me inside.
“That’s what you’re worried about?” He laughed.
“How did you know I’d faint?” I asked.
“Do you remember when I slipped off that step at your aunt’s and cut my shin on the glass?”
Of course I did. The blood had squirted as if he’d severed a main artery.
More sounds from around us began to make sense. A crying baby in the distance; the siren of an incoming ambulance; and the wheezing breath of an older lady in the corner with an oxygen tank hooked up behind her.
“You’re getting your color back. Do you have your phone on you or in the car?” he asked.
I reached into my back pocket, handing it to him. Adrian scrolled through the screen and dialed a number. I wondered whom he was calling.
“Hi, Dan, I’m a friend of Mia’s… She’s at the hospital with Jonathan… he’s all right now, but you may want to come down… he broke his leg… twenty minutes… no problem… see you.” He hung up. “Your mother never called him.” Adrian shrugged. “But he should be here.”
Of course she wouldn’t have called Dan. She hated him and wouldn’t forgive him for hurting me until the day she died. Yet Adrian, a father himself, knew very well that Dan would want to know what had happened to his son. And I couldn’t have been more grateful.
“Thank you.” I smiled.
“You’re welcome. You feel like seeing Jonathan?”
“Yes, please.”
Carefully Adrian helped me back into the wheelchair and smiled to the nurse behind the desk, who blushed while pressing the button to open the door. He rolled me into the triage area where Jonathan was lying on a bed behind a curtain. His lower half was conspicuously covered with sheets.
“Hi, Mom.” He blinked through his puffy eyes.
