A Child In Need

by Marion Lennox

  ‘It sounds good to me,’ Nick said, trying to keep his voice light. Trying really hard…

  Because it didn’t sound good at all. His void was becoming a sickening chasm of emptiness.

  ‘A few weeks ago I’d practically given up on this happening,’ Wendy told him. ‘I can’t believe the change you’ve wrought. But now he’s content and he’s socialising and Harry’s social worker believes we need to move fast before he becomes too established. Too fond of me.’

  ‘And of me?’ Nick’s eyes met hers, steady and questioning, and Wendy nodded.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And…is it supposed to hurt?’ He closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe the pain. ‘Does it hurt you?’

  ‘That’s what my job is,’ she said, striving for lightness. ‘I’m accustomed to this. Take them in, love them to bits while they’re here, but then launch them out to their own families.’ She smiled. ‘I’m accustomed now. Almost. And I have the rest of the kids to worry about. For you, though…’

  ‘I don’t need anyone else.’

  ‘No?’ She smiled and cocked an eyebrow and he knew she didn’t believe him.

  Change the subject. It was the only thing he could do. ‘When will this happen?’

  ‘As soon as possible,’ she said heavily. ‘Maybe Monday. Tomorrow’s Sunday. I’ll talk him through it and…’

  ‘If he objects?’

  ‘He’s three years old,’ Wendy told him. ‘We don’t give him a choice. I know, at the moment, Harry wants to stay in this place-with you and with me-but we’re not his long-term parents, Nick. So we need to stand aside now and let those who can love do their best.’

  It was the right thing-the sensible decision-a path that would give Harry a chance at this lottery called life.

  Just…why did it feel so darned bleak? And, going out, Nick met Shanni coming in.

  She stopped dead at the gate as he walked out through the door. Her smile slipped and then was carefully repinned.

  ‘Nick,’ she said, smiling again, and there might well have been nothing between them at all. If he hadn’t seen that tiny slip… ‘You’ve been visiting Harry?’

  ‘Yes. Of course. I promised.’

  ‘Great.’ It was almost sarcastic, and the pain in her voice made him flinch. She stood aside so he could pass, and he should have kept right on going. Instead he paused. He couldn’t help himself.

  ‘Harry’s asleep,’ he said, and he sounded inane, even to himself.

  ‘I’m not here to see Harry,’ she told him. ‘Wendy’s my friend, and it’s Wendy I’ve come to see. She’s upset.’

  ‘Upset?’ He frowned. He hadn’t seen it. ‘Why?’

  ‘You’re not stupid, Nick. Because of losing Harry, of course.’

  His frown deepened. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘She’s told you about the arrangements for fostering?’

  ‘Yes, but I thought… She’s happy with the arrangements. It’s the right thing.’

  ‘You don’t think she’ll miss Harry? After almost a year of trying to get through to him?’

  ‘I thought…’

  ‘That she’s tough? Don’t you believe it. She bleeds just like the rest of us.’

  ‘This is her job, Shanni.’

  ‘Yes.’ Shanni nodded, her eyes bleak. ‘It is, but there’s not many who could do it. Wendy gives and gives some more. She takes in children, battered and bruised and from all sorts of backgrounds, she loves them, she fights to get through to them, and then, when she sees they’re on their way to healing-when they’re just at the point where they can love her-she sends them off to long-term carers. She sends them away.’

  He thought this one through and saw it. Saw Wendy’s need for the first time, instead of just his own. ‘I guess it must hurt at that. So…why does she do it?’ he asked slowly. ‘Open herself to hurt like that?’

  ‘She has courage.’ Shanni’s voice tried to be light but it didn’t quite come off. ‘She knows she’s the only chance these kids have of finding love. By hurting herself she gives them that hope.’

  ‘I hadn’t seen…’

  ‘No,’ she said bleakly, and for the first time she allowed her own hurt to show. ‘You don’t see, do you, Nick? You don’t see there are others in the world who are just as fearful as you-but who have the courage to open themselves to love.’

  ‘I…’

  ‘Goodnight, Nick. Leave others to care. You just look after yourself!’

  And how could he sleep after that?

  Nick spent the night staring at the ceiling and thinking of every option under the sun. And, as dawn came, he knew what he must do.

  He wasn’t one of these people who could love and risk losing all. He had no place here. Shanni had been right when she’d implied he had no courage. He didn’t. He was a coward and he knew it.

  So…there was nothing for it but to stop hurting people and get back to the city where he belonged.

  Forget the ambition. It wasn’t so important any more. Maybe facelessness and solitude were more important than a position as high-court judge.

  But Harry still needed him.

  So he’d come at the weekends to visit Harry while he was needed, he told himself. That was all. On Monday he’d hand in his resignation. He’d give a month’s notice and he was out of here.

  For good!

  His intention stayed with him for all of the next morning. He stayed inside and tried to focus on legal journals but the pages danced before his eyes, meaningless and empty.

  Wendy would be telling Harry about his new family, he thought. Maybe his new mum and dad would be visiting. How would he be taking it?

  Who could know what the little boy would make of it? Wendy, though…Wendy would be hurting.

  And somewhere Shanni would be aching for all of them. Enfolding them all in her huge heart and taking their pain into her. The three of them whirled through his thoughts and gave him no peace.

  Harry. Wendy.

  Shanni…

  He was going nuts!

  He was leaving.

  That afternoon he walked for miles, but it didn’t help one bit. When he got back, the answering machine told him he had messages waiting, and the phone rang again as he walked in the door. For some reason, as he lifted the receiver, he had a sudden lurch of dread…

  ‘Nick?’

  ‘Shanni…’ He didn’t need more than one syllable to know she was in trouble. Something was dreadfully wrong.

  So much for not caring. Ha! His heart twisted in fear. ‘Shanni, what is it?’

  ‘Harry’s not with you?’

  ‘No. Why should he be?’

  ‘Dear, God… Nick, he’s run away. Wendy told him about the foster-parents and he took it on the chin-you know, like he does-not saying anything but just looking straight ahead. But looking like he’s blind. She said that Helen and Doug, his new prospective parents, were coming to see him this afternoon. That was all. Then one of the other children grazed her knee. Wendy took her into the bathroom to clean her up and when she finished he wasn’t there.’

  ‘Then, where…?’

  ‘That’s just it, we don’t know,’ Shanni said raggedly. ‘Nick, we’ve all looked. Everyone’s looking. We’ve been trying to contact you for hours but I knew you wouldn’t have him without telling Wendy. The police are here now-Rob-everyone. Oh, Nick…’

  Her breathing was way too fast, as if she’d been running. ‘Nick, does Harry know where you live? Have you ever taken him to your place above the courthouse? We thought that was where he’d try to go.’

  ‘No.’ Nick frowned, trying to make his fearful mind focus. There’d never been a need to bring him here.

  ‘Have you told him where you live?’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ His brow creased in concentration, thinking it through. ‘No.’

  ‘We’ve looked everywhere.’ Silence-and then he heard her breath draw in from shock. As if she’d just had a dreadful thought. ‘No!’

  ‘What
?’

  You remember that day in the kindergarten after the hostage thing. You told him where you lived.’

  ‘I didn’t.’

  ‘You told him you lived on Borrowah Mountain,’ she said raggedly. ‘Nick, Harry can see Borrowah from his bedroom window. We’ve searched every street in town-every inch of the beach. But if he’s headed for the mountain… It’s not so far to the start of the National Park. Nick, he could be in thick bush by now. Dear God…’

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  THEY searched for the rest of that day, and then for one of the longest nights Nick had ever known. Every able-bodied person in town and for miles around the district turned out to scour the mountainside, and Nick searched with them.

  Shanni was asked to stay at base camp in case he returned, as Wendy couldn’t leave her other charges, but the look on her face told Nick it was one of the hardest things she had ever done in her life. To stay still and wait…

  At least he could search, and Nick searched like a man possessed, but it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. One tiny crippled boy in rugged national park bushland, some of it so thickly forested that it took machetes and raw strength to hack a man’s way through.

  Why had he ever said it? Nick demanded of himself over and over again as he bashed through the bush. Why had he ever told Harry he lived in such a dreadful place?

  Shanni must hate him. But she couldn’t hate him for it as much as he hated himself, he thought bleakly. He was hating himself enough for the both of them.

  All through that long night, as he joined the line of searchers bashing their way in lines through the forest, Nick was calling himself every type of fool he could think of. Why had he told the child he lived in one of the most inaccessible places in the state?

  Because he’d wanted to be inaccessible, he acknowledged, and that need for solitude was now exacting such a cost he couldn’t bear it.

  And…for what? A solitude he no longer craved. He was no longer independent, he acknowledged. His very self now depended on the welfare of one small boy.

  And one woman.

  When he’d turned up at search headquarters-a mobile police caravan set up in a clearing at the base of the mountain-he’d looked at Shanni’s face and he’d seen a terror matching his own reflected in her eyes. For some reason Harry had spun his little self around her heart, becoming as much a part of her as he was part of him. If they couldn’t find him…

  Please… Please…

  The same pain in Shanni’s eyes was reflected in others… The policemen organising search teams. Team members. All Shanni’s family. The older children from the children’s homes associated with Bay Beach orphanage. Shopkeepers, mill workers, teachers, boy scouts, even the women’s lawn bowls association, for heaven’s sake.

  The lady bowlers were making cups of tea as if their lives depended on it and the fitter ladies were donning protective clothing instead of bowling whites and bashing through the bush with the best of them.

  Every last person in the district was desperate to help, and Nick’s distress was reflected in their faces. One little boy’s pain, taken on by so many…

  ‘Any man’s death diminishes me…’

  These people knew what it was to care, but that care came at a cost. A cost Nick was prepared to pay, and more. He’d pay anything it took. Harry…

  But, in the enforced breaks the search coordinators forced him to take, it was Shanni’s face he kept coming back to. There was raw agony in her eyes and he felt such a twisting knot of helplessness and rage and fear that he didn’t know how to hold it in. How could he face her after such stupidity?

  Dear God, how could he bear it? He had to have someone to hold-and he was alone.

  Because that was the way he wanted it?

  No! At two in the morning his group was called in after the moon went behind clouds, and he felt so sick he wanted to retch. He lifted his hand and smashed it down on a tree stump, and then gazed helplessly at the graze he’d made on his skin.

  These people…they knew how to care and he didn’t. He’d told a baby that he lived on Borrowah Mountain…

  He closed his eyes in despair-and then opened them at the feel of someone touching him gently on his injured hand. Shanni…

  ‘Nick?’ It was a tentative whisper and the look he gave her was bleaker than death.

  What could he say to her? He’d caused this hurt.

  ‘You don’t need to speak to me,’ he told her.

  ‘That’s nonsense. We need each other.’

  ‘Shanni, how could I have done it?’ he demanded, his voice raw with despair. ‘How could I have done something so criminally stupid? I must have been mad.’

  ‘You weren’t to know it could ever come to this,’ she said softly, and then, before he could say anything more, she wrapped her arms around him and held him. And held him and held him, as if her life depended on it.

  And for one long moment he kept himself ramrod-stiff. It needed only this. He didn’t deserve comfort! That she should try and comfort him when he was so dreadfully at fault…

  ‘We’ll find him,’ she said softly. ‘I know we will. Nick, he’s here somewhere. You’re not to blame yourself. You’re here now for him, and together…we’ll find him. Please…’

  And she held him close, kissing him softly on the hair, holding him like a child and pouring her love into him. She was willing into him a strength that, alone, he could never have.

  And when they moved away-inches, but enough-there was a new, steely determination between them that was an affirmation that the whole was far greater than the parts. Together they could face this, feeding each other strength.

  ‘We can find him,’ Shanni said. ‘We must. Together we must.’

  ‘He won’t come out.’ Heaven knew what made him see it, but suddenly he knew. This thing that he felt-that Shanni had given him. Trust. Love. Completeness. It gave him knowledge.

  Harry was his child as surely now as Shanni was his woman. And Harry trusted Nick.

  Things were suddenly blindingly clear. There was no chance of these searchers finding Harry-not if one small boy didn’t want to be found-because Harry was heading for Nick with the same single-minded purpose that Nick would feel if Shanni or Harry was in danger. He was heading for the one person in the world he trusted and he loved.

  Wendy had told him new people were coming to see him-people he didn’t know but who wanted to be his parents. So Harry had run, and he’d keep running. He wouldn’t want to be found by anyone but Nick.

  All night Harry must have been trying to find Nick, but if he’d come to this point, where the road ended and the wilderness of mountain started, he would have gone nowhere but up.

  His leg was so weak-so damaged. He couldn’t climb strongly. In the dark he must have stumbled and fallen over and over. He’d be terrified.

  But if he heard people searching-calling, as each group had been-would he answer? No, Nick thought, seeing things with a clarity that he hadn’t seen before. Harry was terrified of more than the dark. People hadn’t treated him with love. They were things to be feared.

  But not Nick. Whether he deserved it or not, Harry loved Nick.

  The thought made Nick’s heart wrench so hard it must surely break.

  ‘Let’s try this another way,’ he said strongly, turning to the men who were coordinating the search parties. When the moon had gone behind clouds they’d called in all but the most experienced searchers until dawn. Now Nick looked again at Shanni, seeking confirmation in her eyes, but he knew he was right. ‘At dawn…let me go up. With Shanni. No one else.’

  ‘You’d be lost in minutes up there, sir,’ a coordinator told him, shaking his head. The head of the emergency services was hard and efficient, and the last thing he wanted was an extended search if the town’s magistrate got himself lost.

  Nick thought this through. Of course they were right. He was city born and bred and, no matter how much he wanted it otherwise, he didn’t know the bush.
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br />   ‘Then stay with us, but behind,’ Nick said. ‘Stay silent and let me call, without anyone else making a noise. It’s my guess he’ll be hiding. I should have thought this through before, but if he’ll come for anyone, he’ll come for me.’

  The search coordinator looked at Shanni. He knew her. She was a local. One of them. ‘Is that right, ma’am?’

  And Shanni was looking at Nick with eyes that were clear and steady. The terror had receded. Her mind was back in gear.

  As Nick had thought-the parts were stronger than the whole. She’d gained strength with their love.

  ‘If Harry wants to be found by anyone, he wants to be found by Nick,’ she said, her own thoughts crystallising. ‘I think…I think Nick’s right. He’s Harry’s only chance. And, because Nick doesn’t know the bush, he’ll also be able to see the path Harry might take-not looking at the overall picture, like you and me, but at the logical way for a three-year-old. And, please, God, he just might do it.’

  So, at dawn, the mass of searchers were held back-‘We’ll give you ’til noon, sir’-and one small group of experienced bushwalkers were equipped to the hilt to accompany them. But they let Nick decide the course.

  ‘I’m going straight up,’ Nick told them. ‘Bear with me. I’m a dope in the climbing department, but then so’s Harry. So every time there’s a decision I’m going to ask myself what Harry would have done. And I’m going to yell myself hoarse.’

  He took Shanni’s hand in his hand and held it. Hard.

  ‘Ready, my love?’ The endearment slipped out unnoticed, but it was between them, anyway. Acknowledged for ever, whatever this day held. They were no longer two. They were a man and a woman made one, in need and in love.

  ‘I’m ready,’ she said. She gripped him as if she couldn’t bear to let go, and then she turned back to the searchers who had to stay behind but who were breaking their hearts to help.