You and Me, Always

by Jill Mansell

  All these years, the fact that she’d never once Googled Keir Bourne had been a source of great pride to Lily, proof that he was a nobody who meant nothing at all. The man had never shown any interest in her, so he was absolutely irrelevant to her life. What he’d done to her mum was disgusting and reprehensible, and he didn’t deserve to be looked up or searched out in any way whatsoever. Lily had always refused to give him the satisfaction of finding out that she’d so much as typed his name into a search engine. A man like him was beyond contempt, and that was that.

  But had she been curious? OK, yes. Of course she had. And now that he’d made his move, she needed to know what he’d said.

  Forewarned is forearmed, and all that.

  Willing herself to stay calm and detached, she twisted the crystal-studded bangle on her left wrist and looked at the photo that had just come up on the screen, of the man who was her biological father.

  Keir Bourne had been photographed looking appropriately sincere and concerned, sitting in a chair while holding one of the photos of her that had appeared in last week’s newspaper.

  He had short brown hair that was graying very slightly at the temples. Defined eyebrows, dark eyes, and the beginnings of a double chin. He wasn’t ugly; you could tell he’d been good-looking when he was younger. And if she were being honest, although there wasn’t any strikingly noticeable similarity, there was something about his forehead and jawline that was reminiscent of her own.

  No intense thud of recognition, though, thank goodness. And no sense of longing to meet him. Also good.

  Lily exhaled and realized she was still compulsively twirling her mother’s bangle around her wrist. She knew from Coral that Keir Bourne had never liked having his photo taken. When her mum had been seeing him, he’d always turned away from the camera, shielding his face with his hand or simply ducking out of sight. Lily had only seen two or three photographs of him, and they’d been poor-quality snapshots taken with a cheap throwaway camera—you’d never subsequently recognize him in real life.

  Plus, those photos had been taken before she’d been born, when he was still in his early twenties. A quarter of a century had passed since then.

  Once a bastard, always a bastard.

  OK, that was the first hurdle over. Bracing herself, Lily turned her attention from the photo to the text and began to read.

  A week ago, Lily Harper sprang to the public’s attention when she rescued a runaway mouse from superstar Mira Knowles…or maybe rescued Mira Knowles from a runaway mouse. Today we speak to Keir Bourne, who recognized Lily from the coverage as the daughter he’s been deprived of knowing all these years, thanks to the impulsive actions of Lily’s runaway mother, Jo.

  “You mustn’t blame her mum,” Keir anxiously tells me when we meet in a café close to his home in Milton Keynes. “She didn’t mean to cause me all these years of heartache. I’m sure that, in her own mind, Jo thought her intentions were good. We loved each other so much, though; I don’t think she realized how deep my feelings for her were. It was the worst pain I’ve ever known when I found out she no longer wanted me in her—and our daughter’s—life.”

  He pauses to gaze at the photograph of Lily in his hand, then gathers himself to continue. “But as the years passed, I did my best to build a new life of my own. I married and had another daughter but was never able to forget Lily. How could I? She was my firstborn.” Keir’s voice breaks as he proceeds. “Every single day I wondered how she was and if she was missing me. Then when Lily was seven years old, I received a letter from Jo telling me she was dying of cancer and had made arrangements for our daughter to be cared for and brought up by friends of hers. I was devastated, naturally, but she insisted she didn’t want me to contact her or Lily. And although it was like a knife in my chest, I felt I had no other choice than to go along with what Jo had decided. Once again I was heartbroken.

  “Seeing Lily on the front page of the papers and discovering she’s now dating a megacelebrity makes me prouder than I can say, but it also tears me apart, knowing how many years of her life I’ve missed out on. More than anything, I wish we could meet and get to know each other properly.”

  At this point, overcome with emotion, Keir wipes his eyes and asks for a drink of water. It’s achingly clear how much his long-lost daughter means to him. Heaven knows, I’m a hard-nosed journalist, but even my heart goes out to this likable man. When I suggest gently that Lily may wonder why he’s left it until now to do this, Keir shakes his head and explains to me that this isn’t the first time he’s tried to make contact. In fact, he has met and spoken with Lily before.

  What? WHAT?

  “Although she didn’t find out I was her father,” he explains to me. “My intention was to be discreet. I took the day off work and traveled to Stanton Langley in search of my daughter and met up with someone who knew her very well indeed. This person told me all about her, but stressed that Lily was happy with the people she now knew as her parents and had been brainwashed over time into thinking the worst of me. I also met Lily herself and was struck by how comfortable and settled she seemed. She was beautiful, chatty, and friendly, everything you could want a daughter to be. But thirteen is a tricky age, and not wanting to cause upset and emotional trauma, I made the agonizing decision not to reveal my identity.

  “It was the hardest decision of my life.

  “Now, though, twelve years on, I feel she deserves to know that I’ve always loved and missed her and that what I did was only ever for the best. If she can find it in her heart to meet me, I’d be the happiest man in the world.”

  Lily sat at the table and skimmed over the words again. When the kitchen door was pushed open behind her, she knew from the rhythmic metallic clunk who it was.

  She quivered at the touch of Dan’s hand on her bare shoulder. And now he was standing beside her, his good arm resting against her back.

  “However you’re feeling right now, it’s OK to feel it.” He gave her a reassuring squeeze.

  “I have no idea how I feel; that’s the weird thing.” Lily shrugged and unthinkingly reached up to curl her fingers around his. “It’s like my mind’s gone blank.” It was also weird for there to be this amount of physical contact between them. Due to the nature of their friendship, they tended not to go in for touchy-feely gestures of concern or affection. A playful thump on the arm was more their kind of thing.

  “Any memory of meeting him?” said Dan.

  Lily shook her head. “None. But it’s not impossible—it could have happened at any time. If I was thirteen, I was helping out in the yard whenever I wasn’t at school. I suppose he spoke to me there.”

  “And who did he talk to? Who gave him all that personal information?”

  “No idea. I can’t believe someone told him so much about me and kept it a secret all these years.” She tilted her head to gaze up at him. “Do you think Coral knew?”

  “No way. She’s as shocked as you.” Dan shook his head. “She definitely didn’t have any idea.”

  “Everyone’s going to be wondering how I am.” Lily rose to her feet. “We should get back out there. Thanks for coming in.”

  “Hey, why wouldn’t I? Any time.”

  They were facing each other, Dan’s jean-clad thigh resting against the side of the table, the characteristic spark of amusement missing for once from his dark eyes. The connection between them stretched all the way back through both their lives; he was as concerned about tonight’s developments as she was. Overcome with gratitude, and suddenly experiencing a rush of confused emotion, Lily wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his good shoulder. In turn, Dan’s arm tightened around her, and she felt the warmth of his breath against her earlobe.

  “Don’t worry,” he murmured into her hair. “Whatever happens, we’ll get through this.”

  And although Dan had a broken foot and a strapped-up arm, Lily knew he was on h
er side and would defend her to the death.

  Although, hopefully, it wouldn’t come to that.

  Before anyone else could burst in and misconstrue the situation, she took a step back. “I know. Thank you. Come on, we’d better go.”

  Chapter 34

  The alarm was set for eight the next morning. Dan, who had barely slept, lay in bed and watched the hands of the clock approach the moment the ear-splitting bell was due to go off.

  He’d broken his own strict rule last night, and now he knew how right he’d been to impose it all those years ago. The rule had been that no matter what the circumstances, never, ever give in to temptation and get physically closer to Lily than you would to your bank manager.

  It had been simultaneously the best and worst experience of his life, and it must never be allowed to happen again. He’d been so desperately close to losing the last vestige of control and kissing Lily in the way he’d kissed her in his imagination more times than he’d ever dream of admitting to a living soul.

  One minute to eight. Mentally bracing himself for the blast of the alarm, he forced himself to stop thinking about nearly kissing Lily. They had far more important concerns today. There was every chance that her biological father might turn up.

  * * *

  Patsy also had had precious little sleep. Alone in her bedroom, she had read the online piece in the paper, her stomach churning with fear at both Keir Bourne’s words and the photograph of him twelve years on.

  He hadn’t mentioned her by name, which was obviously a relief, but she was chillingly aware that she wasn’t out of the woods yet.

  Poor Lily.

  Poor me.

  Except I don’t deserve any sympathy, do I?

  No, you don’t. None at all.

  All she wanted to do was stay in bed with the covers pulled over her head.

  * * *

  Over at the Valentine, Eddie was packing up his belongings, ready to be collected and driven to Heathrow.

  “I wish I didn’t have to leave you like this.” He paused and reached down to kiss Lily, who was dressed and sitting cross-legged on the king-size bed with her iPad, studying the online comments left by the newspaper’s readers.

  “It’s OK. I’m a grown-up. I can cope.” She returned the kiss. He had to fly to New York for meetings, and they weren’t the kind where you could call in sick with a croaky voice and cancel. “You have your job; I have mine.”

  “Do you really need to work today? What if this guy turns up?”

  This guy. It was how they’d been referring to Keir Bourne.

  Lily shrugged. “If it’s going to happen, it’ll happen. I’m not going to hide from him. You should see the messages some people are leaving on here.” Fascinated, she scrolled through a few more.

  Eddie said, “Rule number one: never, ever read the online comments. They’ll melt your brain.”

  “‘Does this girl think she’s a celebritty now, just because she caught a mouse? How pathetick that she is so desparate for attenttion she’s making up storys like this!’ Wow,” said Lily. “And they managed to spell almost every word wrong.”

  She was doing her best to laugh it off, but just knowing that someone actually thought she’d arranged the whole thing was a kick in the gut.

  Another one said, “Why do the dad’s always get the blame? Hey, maybe the girl was just an ugly baby. Get overrrrr it!”

  Next came: “It’s the woman’s fault for getting herself up the duff in the first place.”

  Below which someone had replied: “Sexist pig!”

  The next one said, “Probly her mother smoked cigs and was a cheating bitch and that’s why he left. Like my ex missus.”

  Followed by: “How on earth is this news? Who are these people? DON’T CARE.”

  Well, quite. For a split second, Lily was tempted to reply: Hear, hear!

  But no, she mustn’t. That way madness lay.

  She put down the iPad and sat back against the pillows, well aware that reading the comments was her way of trying to distract herself from what might happen later today. A knot kept tightening in her stomach at the thought of finally coming face-to-face with Keir Bourne.

  At that moment her phone rang, and Dan’s name flashed up. She pressed Answer. “Hey, you’re awake.”

  “I am. I know, it’s like a miracle.” His tone softened. “How are you?”

  The way he said it, the sound of his voice, made her feel the tiniest bit better. “Bearing up.”

  “Oh God, isn’t that what women do when they’re having a baby? Don’t tell me you’ve gone into labor.”

  He might drive her nuts, but he’d always been able to make her smile. “That’s bearing down. Shows how much you know about giving birth.”

  Which caused Eddie, across the room, to pause a moment in the middle of folding his blue shirt.

  “Thank goodness,” said Dan. “Are you still going in to work?”

  “Of course.”

  “Want me to keep you company?”

  Touched, Lily said, “Would you? That’d be great.”

  “No problem. I’ll see you in a bit.”

  “How’s Patsy this morning?”

  “Still not herself. She’s staying in bed.”

  Oh dear, was there anything worse than feeling ill? “Poor thing,” Lily said sympathetically. “Tell her I hope she feels better soon.”

  * * *

  By midday, Lily was discovering that the waiting for something to happen was the worst bit. Like the day your exam results were due to arrive, or that sick sense of dread as you sat in the dentist’s waiting room about to have your wisdom teeth wrenched out.

  But that kind of physical pain was far easier to deal with. It hurt like hell for a bit, then gradually faded away, and you knew the worst was over. Whereas this felt different and could have the potential to leave wounds that wouldn’t heal. Because despite putting on a brave face and pretending she was fine, Lily could feel the nerves really starting to kick in now. Beneath the surface, she dreaded hearing something she might not want to know.

  “OK?” murmured Dan when she went into the office to fetch the bubble wrap.

  He knew, of course. Other people might be fooled by her couldn’t-care-less manner, but not Dan. His good hand brushed against hers as he passed her the roll, and that familiar tingle zipped up her arm. In a moment of weakness, Lily found herself pretending to lose her grip on the slippery plastic so that their fingers could briefly make contact again. Zzziiinnnggg. Stupid, but it was just something she needed this morning. Every little bit helped.

  “Don’t worry.” Dan’s voice was reassuring. “I’m here. You’ll be fine.”

  “I know.” She met his gaze, saw the concern and compassion in those black-lashed dark eyes. “I just wish it would hurry up and happen.”

  * * *

  Forty minutes later, it did. Lily was hefting a stack of duck-egg-blue glazed stone garden troughs into the back of a customer’s battered old Jaguar when she realized she was being watched by a pretty blond girl.

  When the girl turned her head to one side and Lily saw the pink streak in her hair, she knew. Dan had told her about his encounter with the journalist in Ted Wilson’s shop. Lily finished loading the troughs into the Jaguar’s trunk and waved the driver off, then turned back to look at the girl. It was almost a relief to have the waiting over at last.

  “Hi. I’m Shaz. Looks like you know why I’m here.” And now the girl was in front of her, beaming and enthusiastically shaking her hand. “It’s so good to finally meet you!”

  “Is he here now?”

  “Your dad?”

  “Keir Bourne,” said Lily.

  “He is.” Shaz nodded. “Oh, Lily, he’s so looking forward to meeting you again. Properly this time. You have no idea how much it means to him.”

 
; Lily swallowed; she didn’t need to do this. She could walk away now, lock herself inside the house, and refuse to come out. Nobody could force her to meet him.

  But that would give him more importance than he deserved. Allowing him to meet her and remaining detached would show him just how much of an irrelevance he was in her life.

  Plus that would get it out of the way. Done and dusted. Then she could have her mild curiosity assuaged and go back to ignoring him once more.

  Even as these thoughts were spinning—for the millionth time—through her brain, Lily was aware of the sound of car doors slamming a short distance away, followed by footsteps crossing the road toward her. All of a sudden, a frantic horse race was starting in her chest, and the thunder of galloping hooves threatened to drown out everything else.

  But on the outside she remained calm. She turned, and there he was, the man whose photograph she’d seen in last week’s newspaper. The man whose genes she shared.

  Without him, she wouldn’t exist.

  And now he was here, heading toward her, and she was feeling…

  Nothing.

  Nothing at all.

  Good, that was good. She hadn’t wanted to feel anything, and her wish had evidently been granted.

  Indifference was the order of the day.

  “Oh, Lily, my baby…” As he said it, Keir Bourne tentatively held out his arms, and Lily took a small step back. Something about the delivery of the words felt off, as if they’d been someone else’s idea. She became aware of a small man with a huge Nikon taking photos from the other side of the road. Shaz, meanwhile, was watching and listening with her phone in her left hand and an avid smile on her face.

  To avoid a hug, Lily shook hands with Keir Bourne and said, “I don’t remember meeting you before.”

  “It wasn’t for very long, just a few minutes. And it was twelve years ago, so why would you remember? But it’s wonderful to see you again now. It’s been like torture, knowing I was missing out on so much of your life. Not a day’s passed when I haven’t thought about you, Lily. All these years I’ve dreamed of us getting to know each other. You’re my flesh and blood, after all…”