Hide Her Name

by Nadine Dorries

  Sister Assumpta barely acknowledged or addressed Kitty. It was as though it were Maura having the baby.

  ‘As soon as she begins her labour, we will inform the midwife, by telephone, and she will contact yourself in good time.’

  She stopped in mid-flow and peered over her glasses at them yet again, as if expecting there to be an objection.

  But both Maura and Kathleen were too dumbstruck by the nun’s cool and authoritative manner to utter a word.

  ‘The midwife has told me that you wish to remove the mother from here almost immediately. Is this correct?’

  Again, the look.

  ‘Yes, that is quite right.’ Maura now spoke in a voice that was little more than a squeak.

  ‘In that case, we will require another thirty punts, making a total of one hundred and eighty punts. Is that acceptable?’

  Maura felt as though the floor was opening up under her. Why had Kathleen brought her here? How in God’s name would she ever find that kind of money? It was impossible. She would end up in a debtors’ prison if she carried on with this. They would have to find some other way. God knew what, but they would.

  Suddenly Liam’s voice boomed out from what appeared to be nowhere.

  ‘Here is a hundred punts, Mother, and we shall bring the rest when we collect, er… Cissy here.’

  Maura and Kitty stared at Liam as though he had gone mad, but Kathleen looked down at her teacup. Maura realized that Kathleen had known about this all along.

  Liam walked over and, peeling off fifty pounds from a large wad of notes, placed the money down on Sister Assumpta’s desk, then took his cap back out of his pocket and wringing it in his hands returned to the shadows once again.

  Kathleen broke the silence.

  ‘May we take Cissy to her room now, please, Sister, and help her unpack?’

  She wanted to leave the study as soon as possible. This interview was far more difficult than the one she had previously undertaken. It was as though the shame of Kitty’s pregnancy were heavy in the room and hung around them like a smell.

  Sister Assumpta rose from her desk and glided to a dark-oak chest of drawers, from which she removed a heavy metal money-box. She selected a key from a cord around her waist and opened it, placed Liam’s notes inside and slid it back into the drawer.

  ‘No, I am afraid not,’ she replied, closing the drawer and turning the key.

  There was not even a note of regret nor a hint of an apology in her voice.

  Sister Celia had baked a delicious fruit bread that morning and Sister Assumpta was keen to try a buttered slice whilst it was still warm from the oven. It was almost two hours since she had eaten.

  She glided towards a thick golden cord hanging by the side of the fireplace and pulled it twice. In the distance they could all hear the gentle tinkling of a bell.

  ‘I think it is time now for the girl to settle in and begin her first day. She cannot do that whilst you are still here. God has no patience with idle hands. It is time for you to leave her.’

  She smiled yet again, a false and brittle smile. Her rapidly blinking eyes delivered her words as though they were flying steel tacks, pinning Maura to the chair.

  Time to leave her.

  Kathleen sprang up as though touched by lightning.

  The moment was here. It could not be delayed. They could not invent excuses to hold onto Kitty.

  ‘Get up, Maura,’ hissed Kathleen.

  Maura wanted to scream at the nun: her name is Kitty, not Cissy or ‘the girl’. She is a person, she has a name, she is my daughter. Maura stood and reached out to take hold of Kitty’s hand. Kitty was cold and rigid with a look of terror on her face.

  ‘Mammy, please don’t go.’ She stared into Maura’s eyes imploringly. ‘Mammy, please, please don’t go and leave me, please.’

  But suddenly, from nowhere, two nuns silently entered the room and, before Maura could intercept, each took hold of one of Kitty’s arms and almost lifted her, crying, from the room. Kathleen grabbed hold of Maura’s arm and pulled her back, as she moved to run after Kitty. She had known it would be bad. Her sister, Julia, had warned her. She just hadn’t thought it would be this bad. Kitty’s screams of, ‘No, Mammy, Nana Kathleen, please,’ echoed down the hall. The pain in Kathleen’s heart was bad. God knows what it must be like for Maura, she thought to herself.

  Kitty’s screams for help became fainter as she receded into the distance. Maura sobbed into Kathleen’s chest and Kathleen held her tightly, in case she should make a break for it and run after Kitty. Liam, not knowing what to do, placed his hand on Maura’s back. A gentle reminder that there was someone else who would prevent her from reaching Kitty.

  Sister Assumpta stood with her hand on the door, waiting for them to leave, her body language all but ejecting them from the room, when Liam suddenly spoke. ‘Where’s our Nellie?’

  He eventually found her standing at the side of the truck.

  ‘Where did ye get to? All hell’s broken loose in there altogether. Did ye not want to say goodbye to Kitty?’ Liam said.

  He was talking for the sake of it, upset and agitated by Kitty’s distress. Yesterday, he had watched as she and Aengus had flirted and laughed together. From the top field, he had seen Aengus raise his cap and smile as the girls ran. Was that only yesterday?

  Kathleen walked down the steps with Maura, virtually holding her up.

  ‘Jeez, she’s torn with the grief, so she is,’ said Liam to Nellie.

  Sister Assumpta had closed the convent door before they were even on the second step.

  No wave. No smile. No goodbye.

  ‘That nun is one fuckin’ scold of a woman,’ Liam whispered to Kathleen. ‘God help Kitty in that place, because she won’t.’

  As they drove through the convent gates, Nellie turned to gaze out of the back window. The cab was silent apart from Maura, who was quietly sobbing.

  Nellie checked the tarpaulin and saw the girl shift slightly underneath. She hoped she would be safe in there until they reached Dublin. Nellie realized this was the worst of days. She had lost Kitty and in her place, lying under the tarpaulin, she was smuggling her new friend, Besmina, out of the convent.

  ‘Have ye ants in the pants?’ said Kathleen to Nellie, exasperated. ‘Ye haven’t sat still since we left. What in God’s name is up with ye?’

  ‘Nothing, Nana, are we nearly there yet?’

  ‘Aye, ten minutes more,’ said Liam.

  No one had spoken very much at all since leaving the convent, each imagining a different version of what life there would be like for Kitty.

  In Maura’s thoughts, Kitty was sitting in a dorm with girls similar to herself. They were laughing and joking, and kind novices were laughing with them. She had eaten a good supper and was laying out her belongings on a press, as she liked to do. She imagined Kitty placing her freshly ironed nightdresses in a drawer. Maura knew Kitty would feel lonely but at least she would have other girls her own age around her and, surely, they would have a bit of fun and get to visit the village in the afternoons when the laundry was done.

  She tried counting the days until she saw Kitty again.

  ‘I will make a chart on the wall at home, to mark off the days till she comes home.’ Maura hadn’t really meant to say this out loud but once she had done so it made her feel much better.

  ‘That’s a fantastic idea, Auntie Maura,’ said Nellie. ‘I will too, an’ I will draw a picture every day of things that happen. Can we write to her?’

  ‘God, I hope so,’ said Maura. ‘It’s not a prison. Liam, I need to talk to ye about what ye did.’

  Maura thought it would be better to tackle Liam than Kathleen about the money. She had made the decision not to approach her own family whilst in Ireland. There was too much to explain. They had even less than she and Tommy. Too much to keep secret.

  ‘Maura, we don’t need to talk. There are times people need to look after each other. Don’t worry about us and, anyway, it’s been a good ha
rvest, we are fine.’

  ‘That’s kind, Liam, but we will find a way, one day. We will pay ye back.’

  ‘Ye already have, Maura, ye paid us in advance. Ye picked Jerry up off the floor, when Bernadette died, and Mammy says she doesn’t know how Jerry would have survived without ye and Tommy. Ye have already paid, Maura. It’s time for us to pay ye back.’

  Silence fell once again in the cab. Nellie knew this wasn’t a conversation she should be involved in. She knew her place.

  The light was beginning to fade as Liam decided to pull up outside a café. ‘There’s two hours until the ferry. Time to fill up on some grub before ye leave, girls.’ He jumped out and, as he went to lock the door, noticed one of the ropes on the tarpaulin was loose.

  ‘Bloody hell, this could have blown off if there had been a wind. Mammy, I need a pee. Will ye tighten this rope?’ said Liam.

  ‘I’ll do it, please, I can,’ said Nellie.

  Kathleen laughed. ‘Go on then, madam. I’ll go and get ye some food. Will egg and chips be all right now?’

  ‘Aye, that’ll be grand, thanks,’ said Nellie, as she pretended to tighten the rope.

  Nellie heard the café door close, quickly undid the knot and lifted the corner of the tarpaulin.

  ‘Quickly, get out now,’ she whispered.

  The tarpaulin shuffled and shifted; Nellie saw a crop of dark hair as Besmina appeared. Grabbing Besmina’s arms, Nellie helped to drag her out from underneath the tarpaulin. As soon as Besmina’s feet hit the pavement, Nellie was already tightening the ropes.

  ‘Oh God, I cannot believe I am free,’ said Besmina, looking around her. She began to laugh and cry at the same time. ‘What street am I on? Which street is this? Where is the river?’ She was talking fast as she spun round, trying to take her bearings. ‘My nanny lives on Faulkner Street, I have to get to her first. My mammy’s moved and I don’t know where she has gone to.’

  ‘How do you know your mammy has moved?’ asked Nellie.

  ‘I got the laundry van driver to post a letter for me, with his address on for the reply. He told me the letter came back saying, “No longer at this address,” so I need to get to Nanny to find out where Mammy is.’ Besmina was still looking around her, trying to see the street sign.

  ‘How do you know your nanny is still in Faulkner Street? She might have moved too.’

  ‘No, she will not have moved, I was born in her bed and she was born in that house, as was my mammy. She will still be there.’

  ‘Why couldn’t ye get away?’ asked Nellie. ‘Please tell me, it’s just that we have left Kitty there. Will she be OK?’

  ‘Will she be OK? Are ye fucking mad? It’s worse than a prison. It is worse than hell. Will she be OK?’ Besmina began to laugh incredulously.

  The café door opened and Kathleen put her head out. ‘Come on, Nellie, your meal is ready. What are ye doing?’ Kathleen looked at Besmina curiously.

  ‘Nana, do ye know where Faulkner Street is near the river?’ asked Nellie. ‘This lady is lost.’

  ‘Ye couldn’t be closer, love.’ Kathleen laughed. ‘Go to the end of this street and it’s there, right in front of ye on the other side.’

  ‘Thanking ye, missus,’ Besmina shouted back. She looked at Nellie. ‘Ye saved my life, Nellie. I might have grown old and died in that hell if ye hadn’t been brave. Some get transferred to the asylum when they go mad with the frustration of being locked up. If ye have left your Kitty in there, for God’s sake make sure ye go back and get her out, will ye. Don’t leave her there, thinking them nuns is nice and kind. They become the devil himself in that place.’

  And with that, Besmina turned round and ran up the road in the direction Kathleen had indicated.

  Nellie stared after her as she watched her disappear into the dusk, feeling sick and heavy-hearted. How could she walk into the café and tell them what she knew? She had helped to smuggle a girl out. She might have got Nana and Maura into trouble. Nellie didn’t feel afraid. She knew she had done the right thing. But she also knew it was a secret she would have to carry alone.

  20

  ALICE WAS BATHING Joseph in the kitchen sink, whilst Jerry sat in his armchair, reading the paper, when Tommy walked into the kitchen.

  As the back door opened, Joseph’s expression altered to one of wonderment. He put both of his hands onto the front of the sink and leant forward to see who had arrived, expecting Kathleen.

  ‘Evening, Alice, Jer,’ Tommy shouted as Joseph yelled and kicked his legs frantically in order to attract Tommy’s attention.

  ‘What ya doin’, little fella, eh?’ laughed Tommy as he stepped over to the sink and playfully splashed small waves of water over Joseph. ‘Would ye look at him now, growing bigger every day. I don’t know what ye feed him, Alice, but sure, he’ll be the size of Sean McGuire and joining him in the ring before he starts school at this rate.’

  Jerry laughed.

  Alice, not so much.

  ‘Here, Tommy, do something useful for once, would you, and hold this towel, please.’ Alice sounded mildly perturbed.

  She scooped Joseph out from the sink, clear of the water, his wet, elongated and slippery body making him look more like a skinned rabbit than the bonny baby he was. Then she placed him onto the waiting towel.

  Well practised, Tommy quickly wrapped the towel around Joseph and, after placing a kiss on the top of his head, handed the warm fluffy bundle back to Alice.

  ‘Have ye news, Tommy?’ said Jerry.

  ‘Aye, I have. Albert called in on his way home from the pub. Bill sent him over with a message from Maura. She and Kathleen will be back with Nellie tomorrow.’

  Jerry was pleased; he missed his Nellie.

  ‘What about Kitty?’ asked Jerry.

  Tommy frowned. ‘Not a word. I wondered if ye had any news from Kathleen or Nellie?’

  ‘No, we have none. I’m relieved they are coming home. It’s often very hard to get Mammy back over here, when she’s been visiting home, and Nellie is just as bad. I think they would both live there, given half the chance.’

  His friend Tommy was worried. Maura had been very secretive about Kathleen’s letter and had herself slipped away to Ireland under the cover of darkness. Tommy could well imagine the inevitable questions, should she walk down the streets in daylight, carrying a bag.

  ‘Where are ye off to then, Maura, with no curlers in and yer lipstick on?’ someone would be bound to ask.

  ‘What’s up with her?’ one neighbour would say to another.

  ‘She’s been right odd, so she has, since all this business with the priest,’ would be passed down the line in the butcher’s shop.

  ‘Aye, she has that. She hasn’t washed her nets since it happened and I haven’t seen sight nor sound of their Kitty,’ Mrs O’Prey would mention to someone in the grocer’s.

  ‘That Tommy’s been acting like a mental bastard, threatening to bash McGinty’s face in and giving pies to their Brian. The man has never in his life even taken a belt to his own kids, so he hasn’t,’ the men would say down in the Anchor.

  ‘Angela Doherty has never stopped giving out about how she has to work now that their Kitty has done a moonlight flit,’ the kids would say in the classroom.

  And on it would go. Gossip, which would lead someone somewhere to jump to a conclusion.

  ‘Would ye like a cuppa tea, Tommy?’ asked Jerry as he rose from the chair. Tommy looked exhausted.

  ‘Aye, thanks, Jer, I will. If I leave them little buggers long enough, they’ll kill each other before I get back and that’ll make things a bit easier in the morning.’ They both laughed.

  But not quite as much as they once might have done. Jokes about killing people sounded strangely hollow.

  ‘I’m taking Joseph up,’ said Alice, walking over to the fire with Joseph on her hip and his bottle in her hand. Joseph leant his head on Alice’s shoulder and sucked his thumb noisily, half smiling at Jerry and Tommy.

  ‘Say goodnight to Da and Uncle To
mmy,’ said Alice.

  Joseph leant forward and bent down for another kiss from Tommy. Then he stretched out his arms to Jerry, who cuddled him and kissed his cheek.

  ‘Night, night, little man. See ye in the morning for breakfast,’ said Jerry, bathing his son in the most loving of smiles.

  ‘I can’t imagine what it must be like with only the little fella,’ said Tommy. ‘Me and Maura, we love our kids, make no mistake, but this week, Jerry, God, I’ll tell ye this, I never knew my missus worked so hard, so I didn’t, an’ I never realized how much our Kitty did either. If Maura wasn’t coming home tomorrow, I don’t know how much longer I could cope. I’ve burnt the bloody letter from the nuns, complaining about Declan going to school with his ears blocked up with pobs. Jeez, Maura would have a fit if she saw that.’

  He looked up at Jerry and, after a moment’s hesitation, they both began to laugh as they imagined the sight of Declan with a bowl of pobs on his head.

  The men sat and drank their tea, their anxiety gradually draining away. Once Tommy’s mug was empty, he walked to the door to pick up his coat and said, ‘Well, Jerry, I feel a million times better than I did when I arrived, so I do, and now I’m off to knock all their bleedin’ heads together and get them into bed.’

  The back door was closing and Tommy departing just as Alice returned to the kitchen.

  Jerry was still grinning at the thought of Declan’s ears being blocked with pobs as he grabbed Alice round the waist and pulled her to him.

  ‘I think it’s about time we went to bed and got an early night, don’t ye think? We haven’t had a chance yet to enjoy it, just being us in the house.’

  ‘You go up and I will follow when I’ve cleared Joseph’s bath things away.’

  ‘I don’t think so, Mrs Deane. Do ye realize, this is the last time we will have the house to ourselves before Kathleen and Nellie come back tomorrow? I think we should get in that bed now and make the most of it, don’t you?’