Here I'll Stay

by Dominique Laura

  It had to be.

  I walked into the house, sweaty and rejuvenated from my run. For the first time in, well, ever, a smile lit up my face as I did it. The house didn’t feel as toxic. Not since my father had been away at the treatment center. My mother had visited him a few times, which had been a shock but I knew it was more for appearances than anything else. I had no desire to see or contact him. Not yet, anyway. I wanted to wait until he finished with the program. I knew it was court mandated, but he was getting help all the same, and that was what mattered.

  I hummed, chugging my water as I walked into the kitchen, craving an afternoon snack.

  I stopped short, my heart skipping a beat as I locked eyes with my mother. I gave her a small nod of acknowledgement and moved to leave the room, knowing I had a stash of granola bars hidden in a drawer in my room. I had spent a lot of time hiding out in there, so I made sure to always have some type of food on hand. Always.

  “Daysie, I’ve been waiting for you,” my mother said in an icily sweet voice.

  I silently cursed and gave her a tight smile. “I wasn’t aware I was supposed to be here for anything.”

  “You weren’t, but I wanted to talk to you about your father.”

  “Okay?”

  “You haven’t been spreading lies, have you?” She asked, accusation seeping from her voice. “He’ll be home soon, in two weeks, which is no time at all, and I don’t want him to have to clean up the mess you made by defending him.”

  “Everyone knows what he did, mother,” I said tightly. “It’s not a secret anymore, and I haven’t told anyone what you haven’t already shared.”

  “I’m only telling people what they think they already know. There’s no reason for people to know our dirty laundry. It’s to save face, and I don’t want you undoing the work I’ve done to save this family’s reputation.”

  “Our reputation? What are you even talking about?” I asked, incredulously. “Your husband is addicted to drugs and alcohol and he doesn’t know how to keep his anger to himself. I’m tired of being his punching bag, and you know what? I’m tired of being yours too. Stop blaming me for things that aren’t my fault.”

  Her mouth fell open and before she could open her mouth and further ruin the happiness from my late afternoon run, I went to my bedroom.

  When I closed the door, my eyes latched onto the indention in the white surface from where my father’s fist had gone through.

  I flinched back as the memory flashed in my mind.

  His eyes were black, void of any emotion other than anger, and when he had punched the wall beside my head, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to bounce back as quickly as I had the other times he had done the exact same thing.

  I released a shaky breath and shook out my limbs, pushing the memory out of my mind. He couldn’t hurt me anymore, not then anyway. He was getting help and when he came back home… then what?

  You’re going to go back to living in fear, my inner me shared.

  No, I wouldn’t.

  I shook my head.

  I couldn’t.

  But I already was. Still living in fear, I mean. I could handle the whispers and stares at school, that wasn’t anything new. I was just thankful to have somehow successfully avoided Jason. I knew Bren had a lot to do with that, but still. I could handle their insults and speculations, but I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing my father face to face again. Truth be told, I was scared. Would he be a completely changed person or would he be the same person he had been before? I really didn’t know, and since I refused to ask my mom about him, I had two weeks until I found out.

  Until then, I was going to live my life the only way I really knew how—with my best friends by my side.

  “Okay, can I just say that I love the fact that your boyfriend works at an ice cream shop,” Maci said through a lick of chocolate chip ice cream.

  My stomach flipped at the use of the word boyfriend. It felt good to hear, and though we were in the in between like Bren said, I’d be naive not to acknowledge what he was to me.

  “I second that, one thousand percent,” Sarah said, nodding her head enthusiastically. “I mean, free ice cream? Yes please.”

  “Yeah, it is really great, isn’t it?” I said with a sigh, content with life in that moment. “A few months ago, I didn’t think I’d be where I am now.”

  “You look good, Day,” Maci mused. “Happy, and at the risk of turning your good mood sour, I like that you don’t have any fresh bruises and that you’re not hiding away in your room. You deserve to live, and I’m so effing happy that you finally get to do that.”

  “And with someone as amazing as Brenton Connors, I might add,” Sarah said, wiggling her brows.

  I laughed, and my heart swelled.

  This is how things were supposed to be. Simple and fun. I was young, and it was time I started living like it.

  “He is really great,” I said, my eyes focusing on where he stood behind the register.

  I smiled, remembering when we officially met for the first time. I didn’t think we’d be where we are now, but that’s what’s extraordinary about it. He was unexpected and my heart had no choice but to accept him fully. Though, let’s be honest, choice or not, I would have accepted him either way.

  He smiled at a customer and from the booth I sat in on the other side of the room, I could spot the small indention in his right cheek.

  I sighed.

  That dimple always would be my favorite.

  “Ogling your man, Day?” Maci asked with a laugh.

  “Hmmm?” I turned to face my two best friends and shoved a spoonful of my cup of vanilla bean in my mouth.

  “I’ve never seen you this happy,” Sarah said with a small smile. “It’s a good look on you.”

  “Yeah, well, I just hope it stays,” I said quietly. “He’ll be home in two weeks, and I’m not sure what to expect.”

  “I know, but you’ve got us, and we’ll be here for you always, whenever, even when you don’t want us around,” Maci promised, and Sarah nodded her agreement.

  “My life wouldn’t be much of a life without you both.” I blinked away happy tears. “Thank you. I’m not sure I say that enough, so thank you. You’re both the better parts of me, seriously. How did I get so lucky?”

  “How did we all get so lucky, that’s the real question,” Sarah said, holding her ice cream cone in the middle of the table. “To us.”

  Maci and I met her in the middle and air clinked our melting ice creams together.

  “Well, what do we have here? Eating away your feelings? Figures.” My body froze up at the voice and the harsh tone behind it.

  We had been distracted, so neither of us saw him coming. Maci’s eyes glared fire beams into the side of his face and Sarah’s face contorted with sorry.

  Thankfully, he was alone with no group of friends behind him to encourage his antics.

  “Why are you even here?” I asked, disgust filling my tone.

  He leaned his head back and let out a booming laugh. I cringed at the sound.

  “I’m here to see my mom.”

  “Your mom?” I questioned.

  “Yeah, she owns the shop,” he said with a shrug.

  My eyes widened and I looked over to see Maci and Sarah mirroring my expression.

  His mom. Owned. The. Shop. What?

  “Oh gosh,” Maci grumbled across from me. “That actually makes a lot of sense, and I’m super disappointed we didn’t connect the dots before.”

  “Connect what dots?” I asked, confused.

  “You really didn’t know?” Jason was cackling now. “Man, you all really are—”

  “Don’t even think about saying what you’re about to,” Maci said, holding her hand up to halt his sentence.

  He rolled his eyes but was still clearly amused. “My mom owns the shop. My cousin works here. Hasn’t he ever mentioned that his aunt works here too?”

  My heart sunk to the group as dread filled its place.

&nbs
p; “Yeah, so, looks like you’re going to have to find a new place to eat your feelings because I don’t want your whale call to scare away mom’s business. Got it? Awesome. See you gorgeous ladies later. You two, not her, obviously.”

  He walked to the front of the store and we all watched in amazement as he hugged Bren’s aunt, who we now knew was also his mom. Wonderful.

  “Why is this our luck?” I groaned. “I really don’t want to see him any more than I already have to.”

  “Yeah, no,” Maci said with a hard tone. “He isn’t going to take this away from us. It’s become our spot. Besides, this is the first time we’ve seen him here in a long time, so I’d say we’re in the clear.”

  “I agree,” Sarah said. “He was clearly just trying to get a rise out of you. Don’t let him win. He’s done that enough already.”

  “Yeah, I know, you’re right.” I groaned. “He’s just so frustrating. I mean, he hasn’t been as cruel lately, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s appointed himself my enemy for some reason.”

  “Some people are just cruel, and honestly, there isn’t a reason for it,” Sarah said.

  She had a point. My father was the same way. He was mean and vicious toward me, but what had I done to deserve that sort of reaction from him? As far as I knew, I hadn’t done anything wrong, except breathe. Neither of my parents had ever been very affectionate. I learned to live a life without love until I met Sarah and Maci, who thankfully loved me unconditionally. And now I had Bren too, and even though we weren’t quite at the love stage, we were happy, and I knew he cared about me. A lot.

  “What’s going on in that head of yours?” Bren asked, taking the now vacant side of the booth across from me.

  I blinked, clearing my thoughts.

  Hadn’t Maci and Sarah been there a minute ago?

  I looked around the shop, looking for them.

  Huh, that was weird.

  As if sensing my thoughts, Bren said, “They left a few minutes go. You zoned out on them, and when I walked over, I asked if I could talk to you alone.”

  “And they went for it?”

  He shrugged, a small smile lighting up his face. “Well, they seem to think I’m good for you, that we’re good for each other. But Maci did threaten to ruin my life if I hurt you, so there’s that.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, well, she’s like a mama bear, always protective and there whenever for whatever.”

  I was blessed with the most incredible friends anyone could ask for. Life was hard, but I had them, and that reminder caused the ache in my heart to deplete.

  “There’s that smile I love so much, I thought I was going to have to do something really embarrassing to see it again.”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. “All you had to do is be here. It’s lame and really cheesy, but you make everything better. I thought the only people I would ever need were Maci and Sarah, and heck, even Corey, but now that I have you, I know that isn’t true.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. With you, it feels possible to fly with broken wings, like being who I am is good enough no matter what anybody else says. And they say a lot, unfortunately.”

  “If you’re referring to my immature cousin, then you should know that what he says shouldn’t matter. He’s just the type to get a kick out of hurting other people’s feelings, and sadly, he’s always been like that.”

  “I’m really glad you’re not like that,” I said honestly.

  “I am, too. Life’s too short to be a jerk.”

  “To not being a jerk.” I held my now melted ice cream in the air and laughed.

  “To not being a jerk,” he said with a laugh before leaning over the table to give me a long, much-needed kiss.

  I could get used to this, I thought, smiling like a goof when he pulled away.

  Life was coming together, and for the first time in a long time, I was fully ready to enjoy the ride.

  Bren’s sweet kisses? Well, those were a bonus.

  Two weeks had passed since my last run in with Jason, which meant four weeks had passed since my father went to the treatment center. The month had flown by, and I couldn’t pinpoint a single emotion I was feeling because they were everywhere, jumbled together and jumping from one feeling to the other.

  He was coming home today. My father, who I had ever only associated with heartache and pain, was coming home a supposed changed man.

  They would be home any minute. My mother had insisted I go with her, but I refused. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t sure how he was going to be or if the rehab had truly helped him. He had completed his thirty days, no one said it needed to be successful just that it needed to get done.

  I took a deep breath, my body shaking from nerves and the uncertainty of what was going to happen when he walked through the door.

  “You can do this, Day, you’re strong enough to face him,” I said aloud to myself, releasing a breath of nerves.

  I stood still as the sound of the car pulling into the driveway filled my ears.

  Any second now they were going to walk in here, and I was going to face the person who had spent more time hurting me than anything else.

  I was afraid, unsure of how he would react when he saw me again. The imprints on my throat he had left behind had since faded, but the memory of that night was still fresh in my mind.

  The front door opened and I closed my eyes for a brief moment, willing my body to stop its shaking. He had tried to ruin me before and he hadn’t succeeded. If he tried again, I would push through it like I always did. I was strong enough. Broken wings or not, I could fly. I would.

  “Daysie, open your eyes and greet your father,” my mother demanded.

  My eyes flew open at the authority in her voice. Was this really how she wanted to play it? I guessed so.

  They stood a few feet from me, and I looked over my father. He looked… glowing, if that even made sense. His skin had more life to it and his eyes were less dark. He looked different, but I wondered if he actually was.

  He took a few steps forward until he was standing directly in front of me, and I didn’t miss the way his eyes fell to my neck, silently searching for any evidence of what had led him to being forced into rehab.

  I swallowed back a ball of emotion that had settled in my throat and willed my burning eyes to stay dry. I wouldn’t break, I refused to.

  “Daysie,” he said softly, his hands reaching up to touch my face.

  I flinched back, taking a step back. His eyes narrowed and he quickly grabbed my face while his free hand wrapped around my arm and pulled me closer to him. I blinked rapidly, fear stilling my movements.

  I looked toward my mom with wide eyes but she just stared, showing no emotion.

  “Welcome your father, Daysie. It’s your fault he was forced to leave for a month. Aren’t you sorry?”

  What. The. Hell. Was. Happening?

  “I have somewhere to be,” I said quietly, my voice shaking. I cleared my throat. “I promised Maci and her family that I would go over for dinner.”

  It was a lie, but I knew that Maci would back me up, no questions asked.

  My mother shook her head and went to typing on her cell phone, walking out of the room and leaving my father alone with me.

  “Well, spend some time with your father before you go, it’s the least you can do.”

  I tried to pull away from him but my efforts only caused his grip to tighten.

  I bit my tongue and tried to ignore the flashbacks his touch brought. Memories of every time he had ever hurt me flew through my mind, causing my knees to buckle and my heart to pound.

  “I really should get going.” I tried again, refusing to look him in the eyes.

  “Do you know what they did to me in that place?” He asked, jerking my arm. “How hard it was to fool them into thinking I was a brand-new person?”

  I didn’t respond.

  “Let me tell you,” he said, getting in my face. His breath reeked of strong liquor.

&nb
sp; Well, that didn’t take long.

  “They forced me to take therapy and to exercise and quit all drugs, but lucky for me there was a man working there who understood the needs of another man. He gave me what I needed and made sure my charts reflected a healthy man. He’s the reason I’m out today, no thanks to you.”

  “They were supposed to help you,” I broke out. “You were supposed to change; not come back the same person you were when you left.”

  I knew it had been a possibility, of course I had, but seeing It firsthand and hearing him talk about his experience there, or lack of, broke my soul. I hadn’t realized how much hope I held for his health and well-being until he stood in front of me angrier than ever without an ounce of compassion or apology for the things he had done.

  He was the same hateful, spiteful person he had been when he left and despite my newfound strength, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to survive his wrath a second time. I could call someone, sure, but look where that had gotten me. He was the same as he was before and my mother was just as indifferent about the whole situation as ever.

  Where was I supposed to go from here? I had no idea.

  He shoved me back against the entryway and my body jolted in a mixture of pain and shock. This couldn’t be real. It had to be dream. I wished it were.

  “You’re an ungrateful child and if you ever tell someone our business again I’ll make sure you really regret it, do you understand?”

  His voice was vicious, and I hated him for the threat he promised.

  “Why do you hate me so much? I don’t understand.”

  He didn’t answer my question. “Keep our business private and there won’t be a problem, Daysie. You don’t want me as your enemy.”

  “You’re supposed to be my father,” I said softly.

  Again, he ignored me. “I understand it was your friend’s dad who called, otherwise I like to think you would have never forced me away like that. This is your pass, but I am warning you that if it ever happens again, you will regret it. Do. You. Understand?”

  “I’m not sure why—” I tried, but he cut me off.

  “It’s a simple yes or no answer, daughter.” Bile rose in my throat at the way he said it. Like with all things, I shoved it down. “Do you understand? Or do you need a reminder of what happens to daughters when they don’t fall in line?”