Bent Not Broken (A Cedar Creek #1)

by Julia Goda

  The shadows were still lurking.

  I just hoped that, however it came and wherever it came from, the light was strong enough to make them eventually leave me completely.

  To finally set me free.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Realizations

  Ivey

  I was lying in bed completely spent. So much has happened in the past two days that not only my body was spent, but so was my mind. That didn’t stop it from whirling, though. In fact, I couldn’t get it to shut up. Thoughts of all that happened yesterday and last night and this morning and just an hour ago kept sifting through my brain, trying to find something, anything to convince myself that this wasn’t real, couldn’t possibly be real, and coming up empty.

  Cal made true on his promise to come to my house for lunch. Though instead of eating lunch, we sated our hunger in a different way.

  I had prepared soup and sandwiches for us and was setting the table when I heard a knock on my door. A very strong and firm knock.

  I hurried to the door in excitement, knowing it had to be Cal. I had missed him, though I had only seen him a few hours ago. I looked through the peephole and saw that it was indeed Cal standing on my front porch. The door wasn’t open halfway before he pushed his way in, grabbed me by the waist, and pulled me into him with one arm, used the other to slam, then lock the door behind him, and slammed his mouth onto mine with such determination that it took me by surprise and all I could do was let him kiss me.

  Looks like he missed me, too.

  It was the kind of kiss where I had no choice but let him do with my mouth as he pleased, let him ravish it, deep and wet and oh so delicious. The excitement at seeing him, turned into need and pure desire when he pressed my body into his with both arms wrapped so tight around me it felt like he wanted our bodies to merge. One arm was holding me just under my shoulder blades, the tips of his fingers slightly stroking the side of my breast. That felt so good that I moaned deep into his mouth, making him growl into mine and pulling me even closer. His other hand was moving down my back towards my behind, then gripping it tight while grinding his hips into mine, which made my belly dip further and the wetness rush between my legs.

  God! All he had done was kiss me and I was already so far gone that he could take me right here on the floor in the hallway and I wouldn’t complain. The picture that thought created in my mind caused another rush of wetness, and I squirmed in Cal’s arms. Another growl down my throat. Then he pulled his head far enough away to demand against my lips, “Bedroom. Now.”

  “Upstairs, second door on the left,” was all I could reply on a lust hazed whisper before he swung me up, wrapped my legs around his waist, and kept me there with a tight grip on my ass as he walked us up the stairs and into my bedroom. I clinged to him desperately and moved my lips on him with a deep and demanding kiss. He tore his mouth away from mine and threw me onto the bed. Still bouncing, I looked up at him, my breaths coming in short, shallow pants at what I saw on his face.

  Urgency.

  And desire.

  Pure and carnal desire.

  And lust.

  A whole lot of that, too.

  And something else.

  Determination.

  Solid, unwavering determination.

  And possession. The good kind.

  It was hot. So hot that I swear to God, seeing it directed at me, I had a mini orgasm. Still standing next to the bed, he leaned into me, putting his hands on either side of me on the bed and only stopped until our noses were close to touching, his eyes all I could see. Then he started talking, and in doing so, he turned my world upside down.

  “Gonna give you what you need and gonna give it to you good. Make you moan. Make you beg. Make you scream. And in doing so, gonna break down that last piece that you’re holding back from me, Ivey. Tear away your doubt. Make you believe. Take everything from you and in return give you everything that’s me. Show you how much you mean to me. Show you where you belong. Show you that you are mine to protect and keep safe.” His words scared me a little at the same time they turned me on.

  Oh God! What was this man doing to me?

  He didn’t let me focus on that thought and started kissing me again, making me forget all about being scared and holding back for my own sake and concentrating solely on the response his kiss was extracting from my body.

  And it was delicious to say the least.

  Overwhelming.

  All-consuming.

  “Clothes off, baby. Then I want you on your knees. That sweet ass of yours up in the air,” his deep, low growl ordered.

  Without my brain giving the order to do so, I obeyed immediately, didn’t even hesitate or bristle at what he asked me to do. It didn’t occur to me.

  I was lost in him.

  Lost in what he was offering and the need to get it.

  No hesitation.

  No doubt.

  No fear.

  Not knowing I was doing it, I gave him my complete trust.

  Seeing that, Cal’s eyes flared and he started ripping off his own clothes. In less than ten seconds we were both naked, eyes glued to each other, breathing hard.

  Watching each other.

  Waiting.

  I wanted him. Needed him. Needed to be with him.

  Seeing my need reflected in his eyes, I licked my lips, then got up on my knees and turned my body around, but kept my eyes on his over my shoulder, propped my body up with my hands in the bed, and lifted my ass in the air. His eyes dipped down, burning, then came back up and caught mine again.

  “You trust me?” He asked. I nodded.

  “Need you to say it, baby.”

  “I trust you, Cal,” I breathed.

  “You gonna give me all of you?”

  “Yes, honey.” His eyes flared again. Then he started. He crawled onto the bed until he was kneeling behind me, caressing my ass softly, his eyes riveted to what his hands were doing.

  “This ass is mine. This body is mine. You are mine,” he growled possessively, making my whole body shiver. “I want your eyes on me, want you to watch what trusting me with that body does to me. Want you to see what you’re giving me in giving me you. Want you to see what I give in return.” His beautiful words made my whole body shiver at the realization that it wasn’t only me who put herself out there.

  No, Cal put himself out there for my taking as well. His eyes told me everything I needed to see, everything I needed to know.

  He trusted me. Completely.

  He wanted me. All of me. No matter how that came about. And he would take care of it. Always.

  In return he was giving me all of him. No holds barred. He was mine. I knew it down to my soul.

  That’s when the final piece inside of me broke. Not broke in a bad way.

  No.

  In the best way possible.

  I let go and gave him me. All that I had ever been, all that I was now, and all I would ever be.

  And I expressed that by holding his eyes and quietly saying, “Okay, baby.”

  He knew what that meant. His body froze for a split second before relief and love seeped into his eyes. Then with a groan that seemed to come from deep in his soul, he was on me, his mouth on the small of my back, exploring, worshipping, while his hands played with my breasts. I shivered and writhed, tipped my ass up to get more contact, fighting against closing my eyes.

  “Still, baby,” he whispered, “hold still and watch. Take what I give you.”

  I tried, I really did, but when his fingers and mouth started softly caressing every inch of my body, it was hard not to squirm.

  It was different from last night. The same but more.

  So much more.

  Cal watched my face intently, assessing my reaction. Since all I felt was desire and passion and lust and trust, that was all he saw.

  “Spread, baby,” he growled, “gonna eat you like this, then you’re gonna ride my fingers before you take my cock.” I scooted my knees out, spreading wide fo
r him. His hand went back between my legs, slipping through my folds, finding my sweet spot and pressing in. His other hand moved up to my breast, gently kneading, then flicking my hard nipple with his thumb over and over again until I moaned loudly. My legs started to shake as I squirmed and whimpered under his sweet torture.

  Then his mouth at my back disappeared and his hands held on to my hips and he started eating me. The wetness rushed between my legs. Cal could feel it and he groaned, then his tongue slid inside me.

  Oh God! I wasn’t going to be able to hold on.

  “Cal, baby,” I whimpered.

  His tongue inside me, his finger at my clit, his other hand at my hip pulling me harder into his mouth, he showed no mercy. Over and over again his tongue stabbed me, circled, teased, while his finger flicked and circled and pressed until I could take no more and started begging.

  “Please, Cal, baby. I need you.” He didn’t let up.

  “You’ve got me,” he murmured against my sensitive and swollen flesh.

  “I need you inside me,” I breathed on another whimper. His tongue slid back in and started thrusting, slow delicious thrusts that almost made me come out of my skin. I whimpered again and pushed into him, seeking more, needing more. He gave it to me. His tongue moved faster, his finger pressed harder and I came on a long moan. My stomach clenched, my sex spasmed and my whole body shuddered. Then two fingers entered me and started pumping. I pushed back into them, riding them with wild abandon while my orgasm was stilling rolling through me, squeezing his fingers inside me, bucking, lights exploding behind my eyes.

  Before I could recover, his fingers were gone and his cock filled me in one long hard stroke, making me cry out in pleasure. Cal pulled me up against his chest and leaned back on his calves, pumping up, making me ride him backwards while he kept at my clit and breast, kissing and licking and biting my neck.

  “More, baby,” he groaned. “Again. Fuck yourself on my cock. Make yourself come again while I watch.”

  And so I did.

  I fucked myself without holding back.

  Riding him.

  Hard and wild.

  I threw my head back to rest it on his shoulder, turned my face into his neck where I kissed and licked his skin. Panting. Moaning. His hand between my legs was right at our connection and that felt so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes.

  “You feel this, baby? This is us. It’s beautiful. So beautiful.” His voice sounded tortured. Tortured by the beauty that was us.

  And I loved it.

  I got wilder, slamming down on his cock almost brutally, impaling myself on his length again and again until my muscles tightened around him, squeezing him. When he felt me spasm around him, he pushed me forward until my belly hit the bed and he slammed into me, spreading my legs with his knees so he could go deep, so deep I cried out and he came on a shout, joining me into orgasm and complete oblivion.

  We were both breathing hard, his weight pushing me into the mattress, his cock still inside me, gliding gently in and out.

  “Jesus Christ, honey. Jesus fucking Christ. You are making me come undone.” He took a deep breath and then softly kissed my shoulder.

  “You okay?” He asked. His mouth was roaming my shoulder, softly kissing, his tongue gliding and tasting.

  “Yeah,” I whispered contentedly. And I was. I had never been more okay in my life.

  “It wasn’t too much? Too rough?”

  “No,” I kept whispering.

  “Good, baby.” He kept gliding in and out gently for a few more minutes before he pulled out and turned me under him so I was back to the mattress with him on top of me. His eyes locked on mine.

  “You called me baby.” His voice was soft and almost reverent.

  I held his eyes and answered, “Yeah.”

  “That mean what I think it means?”

  I grinned at him, then repeated,“Yeah,” on another whisper.

  He smiled down at me, then lowered his head to murmur against my lips, “Fucking finally,” I giggled.

  “Cal, it’s been like a day.” He moved his head back an inch and locked eyes with me.

  “No, baby. It’s been a fuck of a lot longer than that. It just took you a while to catch up to me.” Before I could reply, he lowered his lips back to mine and kissed me.

  *****

  We were still in bed, Cal on his back, me on my side, my cheek to his chest, my legs tangled with his, relishing in each other’s closeness while all this sifted through my head.

  Nothing. It was gone.

  The fear.

  The shadow that always lurked somewhere inside me ready to strike was gone.

  In its place was peace. I was completely calm. Well, as calm as someone could be after two mind shattering orgasms. Calm in a sense I had never been before, and I realized that Cal had been right. Letting go and trusting him, giving him me and knowing he would handle me with care, banished the demons and let the light in me settle, set roots inside me deep enough to squash the darkness.

  It felt good.

  Really good.

  And in that moment I promised myself I would do my damned best to hold onto that light and the peace it brought me.

  Immediately commencing in holding on with everything I had, I started sharing, letting him in, wanting him to know me. Lying in Cal’s arms, running my fingers through the light speckle of hair on his chest, for the first time in my life trusting a man with all that was me and being absolutely certain he would do anything in his power to protect me, I shared about Kyle.

  “You know, Macy was right,” I said in a soft voice.

  “Right about what?” Cal prompted when I didn’t continue. I kept lazily running my fingers through his chest hair and continued.

  “She said that Kyle didn’t win,” at the mention of Kyle’s name Cal’s body froze under mine for a second before he again relaxed. I thought that reaction was strange, since he didn’t know who or what Kyle was to me. But I pushed that thought aside, determined to give Cal more and kept talking.

  “Kyle was my boyfriend in college. We lived together and I thought that we would get married at some point and spend the rest of our lives together.” Cal was quiet, giving me time to tell him my story at my pace, not pushing me, but giving me support by drawing random soothing circles on the small of my back.

  “I was happy. Or at least I thought I was. Thinking back now, I was so young and inexperienced, I didn’t know what it meant to be happy with someone, didn’t know how a man is supposed to take care of his woman. The signs were all there, but I didn’t see them as red flags, because I didn’t know any better.” I was trying to justify my stupidity of falling for Kyle, not wanting Cal to think badly of me for letting him do what he did to me.

  “You already know I’m not close to my dad. What I haven’t told you is that I was never close to my mom either. Life at home wasn’t good. So not good that when I met Kyle and he gave me attention, I soaked it up. He took me out to dinner and museums, bought me gifts, treated me like a princess. And I ate it up. Every single second I spent with him I was grateful, grateful that my knight in shining armor had found me and took care of me, loved me. I didn’t realize that the way he demanded my time and complete attention wasn’t healthy. My friends did and they warned me, but I blew them off, thinking they were just jealous of what I had, which was exactly what he wanted me to think of course, what he told me to think, actually. I was stupid and in love and just stupid. After a while, my friends stopped trying and I saw them less and less until I had lost contact with them.” I paused as I remembered how close I had been to my friend Amber and how I had pushed her away until she had no choice but to give up.

  “I moved in with Kyle after he graduated. He was a year ahead of me and had started working for a big company in the city. When I wasn’t at school, I studied at home or often times just waited for him to come home from work, since he didn’t like me going out when he wasn’t with me. Then I had an assignment that made me partner up with
a classmate, and we met at a coffee shop to talk about the project. Kyle texted and called me a few times, but I didn’t want to be rude to Simon, so I turned off my phone. That wasn’t such a good idea. Kyle came to the coffee shop, mad as hell, and dragged me out of there. When we got home, he started laying into me, accusing me of cheating on him, calling me a whore. He was yelling and throwing things, completely furious and out of control. I couldn’t understand why he would think that and tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t listen. He just got more and more enraged. It was scaring me. Watching him lose control like that was when it clicked in my head, when I realized that my friends had been right, what they meant when they said that something was off about Kyle. Growing up like I had, you’d think I would recognize it, but I didn’t until it was too late. And growing up like I had, I should have known that losing my temper would only make things worse, but I was so hurt and mad and disappointed in myself and my stupidity that I didn’t think and told him I was leaving him. That’s when things really got out of control and he started hitting me. He had never done that before, had never shown any signs that he would get physical like that with me, or I would have left. I swear, Cal, if I had known he was abusive, I would have left.” I stopped. Tears were filling my eyes and I had to take a few deep breaths to control them. Cal’s other arm came around me and he hugged me tight, which I took as confirmation that he believed me. I needed him to believe me, needed him to believe that I never saw it coming, that if I had, I would have left. I felt his lips brush the top of my head, then I finished my story.

  “He beat me so bad that I lost consciousness. When I woke up, he was gone. It took me a while, but I crawled to the phone to call an ambulance before I passed out again. I was in the hospital for a week. My body was bruised all over and I had a few broken bones. A female officer talked me into pressing charges, and Kyle was arrested and went to jail. When I was released, I left the city, didn’t look back, just got in a car and drove off aimlessly. Until I hit Cedar Creek. I fell in love with the town when I had lunch at Tom’s and saw how nice and funny everyone was, found the bookstore, then my house, and stayed.” So lost in my memories, I hadn’t realized that Cal’s body had turned rock solid under mine and his fingers had ceased stroking my skin. I lifted my head off his chest and turned it to look up at his face. At the sheer rage I saw there I stopped breathing and froze solid with him.