by Alexa Davis
“You have to take it; it’s already done. I want you to take yourself away, maybe go and visit your son, do whatever you want – just keep it a little hush hush. I want to help people in the right way; I don't want everyone begging me because it’ll leave me a mess.”
“Oh, of course,” he agreed quickly. “I don't even know how to-”
“I don't want you to thank me,” I interrupted quickly. “I just want you to go out and have a good time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a lunch date with a very pretty speech therapist.”
“Ooh, you do, do you?” He was instantly distracted by that news, just as I knew he would be. “Wow, well now I understand this more giving attitude. If I had an amazing woman like that on my arms, I would be feeling a little generous, too.”
I pulled him in for a hug, saying a small goodbye because I knew that he would be gone for a while. “I don't expect to see you for a long time,” I told him seriously. “I want you to go and have some fun. Just send me a postcard, okay?”
As he thanked me all over again and left the clinic, I felt a surge of happiness flow through me. This felt more like me, the good guy who went out of his way to help others. Sure, I’d lost myself a little along the way, but I wouldn’t again. As long as I had Ashlee, there wouldn’t be any holes that needed filling again.
I leant against the doorway to her office, and watched her for a second, just drinking every bit of her in. Everything about her was gorgeous: that wavy hair, her incredible curves, the happy way that she carried herself. I honestly still couldn't believe that I’d ever been stupid enough to let her go. I knew with clarity that I should have fought harder, and been better, but at the same time, maybe this was the way things were supposed to be. Maybe we didn’t have it in us then to go the distance, but we certainly did now. I was certain of it.
“Are you ready?” I eventually called out with a smile in my tone. “I’m starving. I think it’s time to eat.”
She spun around to face me, causing my heart to skip a beat all over again. I wasn't sure how she still managed to have that effect on me after all the years that had passed, but if it hadn’t gone yet, I didn’t think it ever would. I felt like I would be ninety, still craving her for every minute of every day. “I’m ready, but I hope you’re taking me out today. I could use a break from all this craziness. My patients are piling up now, and the immense amount of paperwork that’s needed is driving me mad.”
That was a problem that I understood all too well. “Let’s go to the cafe,” I grinned at her. “I think that I can buy a sandwich for you, just for being such a good employee.”
She slid her hand into mine as we walked out, allowing our fingers to intertwine, and that action made me the happiest I could ever be. I felt like we were more solid now, more committed, and that was a place I hadn’t thought that we could ever be.
Despite everything, I’d managed to rebuild that trust between us, and that had caused her to open up all over again. It was almost as if the past decade was nothing, and that we were back in school once more, only with the wisdom that can only come from growing up.
This was more than I could have ever hoped for, and I never wanted to let it go.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Ashlee
Saturday
“Yeah, she’s just had another baby!” Kerri told me in a gossipy tone of voice. “I can’t believe it! Do you remember what she used to be like in school? All ‘I’m going to be famous, just you wait and see.’ Looks like that plan didn’t quite pan out!”
“Do you mean the head cheerleader?” I eventually had to ask, trying to figure out where the hell this conversation was going. I was walking down the supermarket aisles with my friend, there in body, but honestly my mind was all over the place. Things weren’t great with Mom at the moment, and it was difficult to focus.
“Yep, five kids by three different guys; not quite living the dream.”
In all honesty, I knew that Marissa was a massive bitch in high school, but I felt bad for her. We didn’t know her story, so who were we to judge? Of course, Kerri would have a different opinion because they fought a lot in school, but that didn’t change my feelings at all.
Before I could respond in any way, my phone blasted away in bag, and I felt relieved. I didn’t know how to have that conversation, so I felt like I’d been saved by the bell... that was until I realized that it was a number that I didn’t recognize. That always filled me with a pit of dread.
“Hello?” I said anxiously, a nausea swirling around in my stomach.
“I need to speak to Miss Baker,” the grave voice said on the other end, only serving to turn my nerves up even more.
“This is she.” Kerri shot me a curious look, but I simply turned away from her. I wasn't sure what I was about to hear, but I didn’t feel ready to look at her when I got what I sure would be bad news. “Can I help you?”
“I am calling about your mother; she’s been admitted to the hospital.”
I didn’t hear any more because my phone dropped to the ground with a loud clatter. My heart stopped dead in my chest, and my limbs froze to the spot. I’d been expecting this news for a very long time, but to hear it, to have it said to me, was devastating. I didn’t even know what to do.
“Ashlee? Ashlee?” I suddenly realized that my friend was trying to speak to me, she was just taking longer than expected to work her way through my shock barrier. I glanced at her, fear in my eyes, and that told her all that she needed to know. “Oh my God, are you... Can I...?”
“I have to go,” I gasped, tearing from the supermarket, leaving everything behind. As soon as I got outside, I jumped into the nearest cab, which whizzed me along to the hospital. The entire time my mind jumped all over the place, thinking about anything and everything except for what was about to come.
I thought about Matthew taking flowers to Dad’s grave, I thought about my life back in New York and the reasons for me never getting a decent date there, I thought about my financial freedom now that my student loans were paid off.
I scurried around in my bag and pockets for a second, wanting to find my phone, to call Matthew, but I quickly realized that it was on the floor of the supermarket with my friend. Maybe she would think to pick it up and call him; she knew how close we were these days, but I couldn't be sure. After all, I tore out of there in such a panic without even mentioning where I was going.
Maybe I would have to face this alone.
I threw money at the cab driver as the car pulled up and tore through the doors. “Peggy Baker,” I gasped at the receptionist, feeling out of breath without even running too far. “My mom, she’s been admitted here and I need to find her.”
“Erm, hold on...” the receptionist replied in a voice that was far too slow for my liking. “Let me find out what room she’s in.”
I tapped my foot impatiently, my mind finally thinking about all the things that I didn’t want to accept. I started to see my mom in all kinds of awful situations, and it was making me feel sick. I didn’t like seeing her even ill, so I wasn't exactly looking forward to seeing her with tubes coming out of everywhere.
“Okay, she’s in room two-eight-six.”
I raced off without even giving thanks. My head was all over the place, spinning so wildly that being polite didn’t even come into it anymore. Suddenly, I was transported back to the teenager who didn’t know what to do when her dad died. I felt lost, alone, like my feet couldn't touch the ground, and I almost fell to the ground.
“Ashlee!”
I spun around as a familiar voice called out from behind me, relief flooding through me. He was there; Kerri had called Matthew and he must have come right away. I gave up in that moment and allowed the tears to finally flow from my eyes. With him there to be strong for me, I could finally allow some of it to crack.
“Kerri called me,” he confirmed. “I came right away. Have you seen your mom yet?”
“No,” I sobbed into his chest, allowing his embrace to
comfort me a little bit. “No, but she’s in room two-eight-six.”
He pulled back to look at me, staring straight into my eyes as he held onto my shoulders, which was just about the only thing that was holding me upright. “I’m here with you now; you aren’t alone. So don't panic. Whatever you need, I’ll do. Whatever help I can give you, I will.”
I nodded slowly, allowing that information to flow through me. I wasn't alone this time, he was here with me, which could only be a good thing. I had someone that I could whole heartedly lean on. “Thank you,” I eventually whispered.
“Now, you need to let me go into her room first, to speak to her doctor, then I will come back for you.”
“No chance,” I shook my head firmly. There was no way that I would let Matthew deal with it all. I was glad that he was there for me to rely on, but I wasn't going to leave everything to him. I needed answers, damn it, and I would find them out no matter what. “I need to speak to the doctor; I have to know what went wrong.”
Couldn't he see that I was feeling bad enough? There was so much guilt coursing through my veins that whatever happened to Mom, happened to her while she was by herself. I was out of the house, buying food that we probably didn’t need. I should have been there, I should have been supporting her, but I wasn't. I wouldn’t blow past this, either.
“I really think-” Matthew tried in an overly calm tone of voice, but I shot him down right away.
“It doesn’t matter what you think; I’m coming with you.”
Luckily, he seemed to sense how serious I was because he eventually nodded curtly, and he stepped aside for me to walk alongside him towards the room where she was waiting for us. My heart thundered, hoping that the few moments we just spent arguing over that wouldn’t have been a lot of wasted time.
“Miss Baker?” a doctor attracted my attention just before I got to the room. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”
“Erm, yes sure.” He took us aside into his office, which felt like a bad move. I tried to glance towards Matthew to see what he was making of all of this, but he was pointedly staring forwards, as if he couldn't bear to look at me.
We sat down in chairs, both of us perched on the edge of the seats, waiting for what felt like a lifetime for the doctor to speak out. My eyes felt fuzzy, my stomach sick, like I was living in some horrific nightmare that wasn't ending no matter how hard I tried to wake up.
“So, we got a call from your mother a few hours before, and the paramedics went out right away. They found her collapsed on the floor, and in a terrible state.”
I closed my eyes, trying to keep the tears inside as this image filled my mind. Why didn’t I know that was going to happen? Why wasn't I there? Why didn’t Mom stop me from going to the store? She must have known that she felt sick! Why did she have to be so damn proud all the time? I didn’t want her to be strong; I wanted her to rely on me. “We brought her in, but unfortunately...”
No, no, no.
“I’m sorry to say...”
Oh, God no.
“that she didn’t make it.”
A guttural wail burst from my chest as I felt myself fall apart right there and then. This could not be happening; he could not be telling me that my mother was dead. There was no way that I could handle that. I thought that I would have more time to prepare, to come to terms with it, but it seemed like I was wrong. Even though I knew Mom was sick and that things didn’t look good, it still felt far too soon.
I tried to stand up, to get the hell out of the room, and away from the hospital, but my legs couldn't handle it. They simply gave way beneath me, causing me to collapse into a pathetic, crumbling heap on the ground. Matthew tucked his arms underneath me and tried to lift me upright, but I was like dead weight. It was as if all the energy and effort had been zapped from my body, and there wasn't a damn thing that I could do about it.
Mom... she’s gone.
It’s only me left.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?
I’d left my life in New York behind with the sole intention of helping her to recover. I thought that I would be able to bring her back to full health, and I would make some decisions then. I didn’t think for one second that it would end this way. Of course, I didn’t regret coming back; it meant that I’d managed to spend my mother’s last days with her, but it hurt like fucking hell.
The door clicked as the doctor left the room, and in that moment, Matthew pulled me closer to him, embracing me hard. I fell against him, wanting him to be a tower of strength for me, but I couldn't help feeling like I was still all by myself. He got it, I knew he did, but my grief wasn't rational. It was already making me feel a little crazy.
“Shhh,” Matthew rocked me gently, trying to stop the endless tears. “I’m here now; I’ll help you. Like I said before, I’ll do whatever I can to make this easier for you. Do you need me to do anything right now? Is there anything to make this any less painful?”
He meant well, and I needed to appreciate that. I pulled back to look into his eyes, where I spotted a whole bunch of tears there too. I wouldn’t make the same mistake as last time; I would know that he was grieving as well. “Will you come with me?” I asked him, clinging tightly onto his hands. “To see Mom, I mean? I don't want to do it by myself.”
“Of course I will,” he reassured me, seemingly glad to have something to do, some way to help. “Whatever you need.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Matthew
Monday
I sat by Ashlee’s side the entire time as she met with the funeral director, offering my opinion only when asked for it. It was an awful, uncomfortable feeling that took me back to the time when I had to do it for my own parents, but I was willing to go through all of that for her. She needed me, and as much as the situation was an awful one, it allowed me to be there in the way that I hadn’t been last time.
Ashlee was struggling through it all, that much was obvious, but she was pushing through that, being incredibly strong because she needed to be.
When I took her to that hospital room to see her mother’s body, she was a mess. A crumbling mess, but after a while that inner strength took over and she somehow managed to make it through a few phone calls to her extended family to tell them of the news. Luckily, she could just tell them to start passing the message on when it got a little too difficult, allowing her to do just about as much as she could.
After that, her family began descending on her, ensuring that her house was busy and noisy, which was probably exactly what she needed. Wandering around those empty rooms feeling sad would do her no favors. I knew that from my own experience. When my parents died, I could barely stand to be in their home, which caused me to sell it before I was ready to.
I clutched onto her hand while she picked flowers and music, desperately wishing there was more I could do. I wanted to take the reins from her, to do all the hard work so that she didn’t have to, but I couldn't. She needed to do this in her own way; it was the only way she would get any closure.
I was just going to have to be patient, and to stick around no matter what. I was already determined that I wouldn’t be pushed away this time, however hard Ashlee tried, but it was already becoming clear that it wasn't going to be necessary. Things were being dealt with in a very different way.
“The vicar wants to show me the church,” she leant in and told me quietly. “Do you mind if I do this part by myself?”
“Of course not,” I shot her a weak smile and slipped my hand from hers, feeling a little like I was at a loose end. I supposed that I could head in to work for a while, just to check up on everything, but I didn’t feel that I wanted to be there. I couldn't stand the sympathetic gazes from people, or the kind words. They just brought all the emotion to the surface, and I couldn't handle that.
Every so often, angry bursts of guilt would flow through me, making me feel horrible about what had happened.
Why didn’t I insist that Peggy let me pay for her treatment?
Why didn’t I just do more?
Of course, those thoughts weren’t helpful, and there was nothing I could do about them now, but that didn’t stop them from coming all the same.
“Would you mind popping to my house for me?” she asked, holding out her keys to me. “I need you to get the dragonfly necklace from Mom’s jewelry box, if you don't mind? It was always her favorite, and I think that she would want to be wearing it. I’m sorry to be a pain; I just forgot it when I was picking up her clothes.”
“No trouble,” I shot back instantly. “Anything to help, you know me. Will your family be there?”
“I’m not sure – possibly, but just explain who you are and everything will be fine.”
God, I knew what grieving families were like, and I wasn't sure that they were going to want me around, but again I had to do it because it was what Ashlee needed.
I tried my best to pull myself together on the drive over, but I honestly didn’t feel too much better by the time that I arrived. I just had a feeling that my presence was going to be an intrusive one. What if these people were mad at me for being involved in a funeral that they weren’t? What if they tried to edge me out and that left Ashlee mad at me all over again?
Maybe they aren’t there, I tried with no avail to reassure myself. Maybe everything will be all right.
I slipped the key into the lock, but stopped as soon as I heard voices on the other side. I didn’t feel like I could just let myself in with people there, so I pushed the keys back into my pocket and knocked instead.
As the door swung open, I saw a face that I recognized, but one that I’d never met in person. It was Ashlee’s cousin Michele, from her father’s side, who I’d seen in the family photographs at some point. I could tell that this was the child of her dad’s sister because of her dark hair and high cheekbones. They even had the same, olive-shaped eyes, which was much more obvious in person. I stared at her for a second, blindsided by the similarities, causing her to cough awkwardly.
