by Alexa Davis
“Can I help you?” she almost snapped at me, bringing me back to action.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m here for Ashlee.”
“Ashlee isn’t here,” she replied coldly. I wasn't surprised by her attitude; this was a difficult time, after all, but I had the horrible feeling that it was going to make this incredibly hard for me.
“Oh, I know, she...she sent me...” I was starting to flounder, almost to the point where I was ready to give up, when Ashlee’s uncle, Michele’s father, peeked his head around the door.
“Hello there. You’re Ashlee’s doctor friend, aren’t you? She told me all about you last night.” Oh, thank God. “Is everything all right?”
I nodded and smiled gratefully at him. “Ashlee asked me to come and pick up her mom’s dragonfly necklace. She wants it for the funeral.”
“Of course, come on in,” he told me, stepping aside. “Are you being difficult again, Michele?” he rolled his eyes in my direction at that statement, as if this was a common problem.
“I just thought that he might have been a burglar; how am I supposed to know?” she pouted and folded her arms across her chest, giving me a look. It seemed like I’d inadvertently managed to make one enemy without even trying... I hoped that wouldn’t be catching.
Luckily, as I was taken on a whirlwind tour throughout the Baker family, it seemed like Michele was the only one not to like me. Everyone else responded very warmly to me, making me feel incredibly welcome. It didn’t take everyone long to work out that I was much more than just a friend to Ashlee, which set off a Spanish Inquisition, but I thought I did okay. I wasn't kicked out, which I decided to take as a good sign.
Because of that, it took me much longer than I intended it to, to get up the stairs and into Peggy’s room where I knew the jewelry box would be. I’d seen it many times, so I knew that it was red with small, silver elephants on it. I just hoped that it would still be on her dresser because I didn’t feel right going through her drawers.
Luckily, I spotted it right away and I rushed to it, wanting to grab the necklace quickly. Ashlee was probably growing increasingly worried now considering the time I’d taken, and I didn’t want to add to her stress at all. I grabbed hold of it and swung it open, just to find myself with two envelopes in my hand, one addressed to Ashlee in Peggy’s handwriting, and one with my name written across it.
“What the hell?” I muttered to myself, tearing it open with a racing heart. I couldn't understand what Peggy would have to say to me, and I needed to find out right away.
Almost instantly, tears filled my eyes, just imaging her there, writing these words, knowing that the end was near...it broke my heart into a million pieces. I could just picture her sending Ashlee out on that fateful day, knowing how awful she felt, wanting to deal with it alone. That was so much like the tough woman that I’d always known.
‘Dear Matthew,
First off, I just want to say thank you for all that you’ve done for me. I have no doubt that you’re feeling guilty for not treating me, but please remember that I refused your help. That was my decision to make, and I made it. Not you.
I didn’t want to fight anymore; I didn’t want to go through endless rounds of painful treatment just to have it not work. I wanted to live out the rest of my days knowing what I was doing, and doing the things that made me happy. And I managed that. Spending these precious days with Ashlee, seeing you make her happy, it’s made everything really worth it.’
I couldn't help it anymore; the tears were fully flowing down my face once more. I thought that Peggy would see me as someone in the way, someone who confused her daughter and made her cry, but it seemed like I was very wrong about that one.
‘I want to thank you as well for fixing up the roof and paying off Ashlee’s student loans (I know that was you!) and also for looking after my little girl. She’s strong, we both know that, but I also know that she needs you more than she cares to admit, even to herself.
You have always been a part of our family, whether you like it or not, but if that’s something that you would like to make permanent, I give you my blessing.’
My heart began to pound heavily as I realized just what she was saying: she was giving me permission to marry her daughter. I almost couldn't believe it. That was her trusting me with the one thing that meant the most to her. If that didn’t say family, then I didn’t know what did.
‘There is a ring in this box, in a black case. It’s white gold and has an emerald in it. This belonged to Ashlee’s grandmother, and it would mean the world to me if you used it when you eventually propose. I’m sure that if you make that choice, you will both be incredibly happy, as it’s clear to me that you’re meant to be together, but if you don't...maybe you should burn this letter and move to Mexico!’
I couldn't help but laugh at that, through the tears. That was so typical of Peggy, making light of a very serious situation. The world really did take her too soon; she was one of the good ones.
‘But seriously, thank you so much. You have always been like a son to me, and I am very grateful for everything that you’ve done. I will always love you as if you were my own.
Peggy xx’
I almost dropped the letter as I reached in to find the ring box. As I took a glance to the ring inside, I could instantly picture it on Ashlee’s finger; it was perfect for her. A little quirky and unique, and a family heirloom, too. What could be better than that? If I ever did brave that step, and I proposed to Ashlee, this would be the ring that I used.
Suddenly, I heard a clatter on the stairs, and I grabbed the dragonfly necklace before slamming the box shut quickly. I knew that I wouldn’t be alone for much longer and I didn’t want to be caught with everything, making things even more embarrassing.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Ashlee
Monday
I paced up and down the funeral home, trying to figure out all the details in my mind. I knew that the guy had told me that I had everything organized and under control, but my brain wasn't quite so willing to accept that. I needed this funeral to be the best damn memory to my mom ever, and I didn’t want a single thing to go wrong.
I have her favorite song lined up, those flowers that she adores, the eulogy almost written...
But however much I tried to convince myself, it wasn't ever going to be enough. My mind was still going to circle until it found a fault.
“Ashlee,” I suddenly heard that voice again, Matthew calling out to me, showing me that he was there. I was starting to see through the cloud of grief now, and I appreciated him for it. He was like the light in a dark situation, the silver lining to the storm cloud that was hanging above my head. “I have something for you.”
“The necklace?” I smiled at him, realizing that my family had probably been something of a nightmare for him. I knew that they could be a handful at best of times, and judging by the amount of time he’d taken, I must have thrown him right in at the deep end.
I couldn't regret them being there, though; they’d been my rock over the last couple of days, creating noise and chaos when I needed it most. I feared that if I’d had any time by myself, I might have fallen apart. I was doing my best to be strong, to hold it all together, but it wasn’t the easiest thing in the world.
“I have the necklace,” he confirmed, handing it to me. As the chain touched my hand, I felt the warmth from my mother’s love rush right through me. This connected me to her in a way that I hadn’t experienced since she found out that she was sick. It zapped me back into the past, reminding me of the upbeat, joyous person that she’d always been.
I was with her again, her holding me in my arms as I wept over some silly trouble that I was having at school. One of the girls decided that she didn’t like me, and she’d been mocking me all day long. It was petty, and very ridiculous, but at the time it felt like the end of the world. I sobbed into my mom’s chest as she held me close to her.
“Don't you worry about her,” she whispered to m
e, stroking my cheek. “She’ll be on to her next victim tomorrow. You’ll just be forgotten about.”
“But why does she have to be so mean?” I wailed. I didn’t want to be forgotten about, just for her to move onto someone else. I just wanted her to stop. “Why can’t everyone just be nice?”
Mom sighed deeply, trying to consider this before answering. “You can’t always control things,” she told me seriously. “You can’t control how other people will behave, because that isn’t how life works. But you can control your own behavior, and you can monitor the way that you make people feel. You can also control the way that you react to people.”
She pulled back to look me in the eyes as she gave me one of my life’s most important lessons to date. “People like this girl will have things that are bothering them, issues outside of what you can see, which make them behave the way that they do. Maybe she needs attention, and by getting upset, you’re feeding into that. Maybe you should give her attention in a different way.”
After that, she put on some of my favorite songs, and she got me up laughing and dancing, and having fun. I never became friends with that girl, which I felt like my mom wanted from me, but we did come to a silent understanding where we simply avoided one another. I never did find out what was bothering that girl, what made her act the way she did, but it was obviously something.
“But I also have something else,” Matthew interrupted my thoughts by handing me an envelope. “It was in the jewelry box, too.”
I ran my fingers along the letters written on the envelope, my name written in my mother’s handwriting. In that moment, it was obvious that she knew she was going to die and soon, or she never would have taken the time to do this. I wished that she’d told me, wished that I’d known; maybe I would have been able to do things a whole lot differently if that were the case.
“What is this?” I asked pointlessly. “What does it say?” I already knew that he didn’t know because the letter hadn’t been opened, but I needed to say something to stall just a little bit. This was going to be a life changing letter, I was sure of it, and I didn’t know if I was ready for that just yet.
“I’m going to wait outside.” Matthew seemed to sense that I needed space, and he was more than willing to give that to me, proving what an amazing person he was. “Call me back in whenever you need me, okay?”
I nodded stiffly, watching him walk off, then I went and sat in the front pew. Before tearing open the letter, I sucked in a few deep breaths of air, trying to calm my emotional body down. I was doing a great job of holding it all together, and I didn’t want to let that go.
‘Dear Ashlee,
I’m so sorry that I’ve left you in this way. I’m sure that you know I never would have wanted this, but I’ve known for a while now that my time was coming, and accepted that. I’m ready now, happy to see your dad once more because I’ve missed him like crazy. I mean, I hate that I have to leave you to be with him, but you know how much I’ve yearned for him since he died.
I want to let you know how proud I am of you, and how proud your dad was, too. Despite all the hardship that you’ve been through in your life, you’ve managed to turn that into a positive. You’ve worked hard to become an amazing career woman, one with focus and drive, but I want to remind you that there is more to life. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy and well rounded, and while I see that you’re doing your best, I think that there are some areas in which you’ve been holding back.
Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m talking about Matthew.
I know that you might not want to hear this, but I really think that you should give him a chance. You know for a fact that I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t think that he was right for you. I believe that he can make you happy, and that you’re only truly fulfilled when you’re with him. If I’m wrong, feel free to totally ignore this and carry on regardless, as I know you will. I just wanted you to hear what I think.
Whatever you decide in life, I know for a fact that you will make someone an amazing wife and mother. You’re kind, sweet, and very caring...which you’ve proven by dropping everything to come and help me. You have a lot to offer the world, and I’ve been incredibly lucky to have you as a child.
Ever since the day that you were born, I’ve been thankful to God for you, and that hasn’t changed one bit; even during the time when we saw each other less, I was grateful to have you in the world with me.
I guess, since life for me and your dad has been so short, I only have one piece of advice for you: live life to the fullest, and focus on your own happiness. You only have a limited time on this planet, so stop worrying so much, stop stressing over the little things, and just do the things that make you smile. Laugh every day, smile often, and take time out...especially when you’re feeling stressed.
I love you so much, and I will be alongside your father watching over you every day.
Lot of love,
Mom xx’
With that, I was a mess. The tears were streaming, my heart was pounding, and my emotions were all over the place. This was too much; it was wrenching at my heart. It seemed like the last thing that Mom wanted for me was to end up with Matthew, and that was intense. Much as it was what I wanted to, it felt a little overwhelming, to say the least.
Another memory flooded my mind just for a second, and it was of my mom giving me almost the exact same advice when I was younger, a few days after the argument that ruined everything.
“I know things seem difficult now,” she had told me, speaking to me about my problems when she’d just lost the love of her life. Unfortunately, my head was not in the right place to hear it at the time. I was stubborn and pig headed, sticking to my guns. “But trust me, you will regret it if you continue to punish him for this.”
I felt like she didn’t understand what she was going on about at the time, but now I could see that she understood me much better than I gave her credit for. “No, Mom, Matthew is a douchebag. I will never talk to him again; he deserves everything that he gets. He deserted me, he ran off to be with the idiotic, popular crowd, and now he’s blown it.”
She had closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead lightly, clearly growing exasperated with me. “Look, Ashlee, all I’m telling you is don't make a rash decision that you’ll go on to regret. You’re hurting now, grieving over the loss of your father, and soon you’re going to need Matthew. Trust me, I know that it feels like you’re alone in this right now...that’s how I feel, too, but you’ll soon see that his one mistake doesn’t cancel all the good...”
“No, Mom,” I had snapped at her, allowing my temper to flow. “I’m going to New York anyway, so we’ll never see one another again.” Considering everything, that probably wasn't the best way to tell my mom that she was losing me, too, but I was young and selfish. Luckily for me, she was an expert at holding it together.
“Matthew has spent the last few years making you fulfilled and happy; don't throw that away.”
But of course I didn’t listen because I felt like I knew better. How could she understand my personal situation? She was being sappy because she’d lost her love. I had to get out of town; I needed to get the hell away before I was swallowed whole by Florence.
But she was right then, and I was sure that she was right again.
I stood up and walked outside, wanting to see Matthew once more. As soon as I spotted him, leaning up against the wall, a wash of feelings overcame me, and I finally decided to just let things loose. What was the point of holding back when life was so short?
“I love you,” I gasped, staring deep into his eyes.
He crumbled in that moment, before pulling me in for a deep hug. As I rested against his chest, listening to his heart pound, I felt good. I felt whole. “I love you, too,” he told me, gripping onto me for dear life. “I always have, and I always will.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Matthew
Tuesday
My heart beat hard as fast as I waited outside Ashlee�
�s home for her to be ready to ready for the funeral. I wasn't looking forward to today, not one bit, but I was proud of myself to be at the forefront this time, supporting Ashlee, rather than hiding pathetically behind a tree, wishing that I wasn't. This was my time to prove that I was a changed man now, that I was so much better than the teen I once was.
I glanced up as Ashlee stepped outside, drinking in her pale, serious expression and her beautiful, black dress. I knew exactly how anxious she was about all of this, and that killed me. This was awful, the worst day of her entire life, and that pained me, but this wasn't about me. This was about me being there for her, in the right way this time.
“Are you okay?” I asked her, pulling her towards me for a hug. I could feel her nodding against me, but the fact that she didn’t answer me aloud spoke volumes. She was doing her best to hold it together, and she could fall apart at any moment.
“Do you want to come with me, or would you prefer to travel with your family?” We’d made plans for her to come with me, but I knew that she could have changed her mind at any moment. Whatever she wanted was fine with me.
“I want to come with you,” she rasped, snapping me into action. I quietly guided her into the car before driving her along the roads.
“It’ll be okay, you know?” I glanced over to where she was sitting, muttering furiously to herself as I drove. “You have organized everything perfectly. I’ve spoken to the pastor myself; it’s all set up exactly as you wanted, and you haven’t missed anything.”
“I just want it to be perfect,” she whispered, tears filling her eyes. “I mean, I’ve written a speech, but I honestly don't know if I’m going to...to be able to...” with that, the sobs began to consume her, and her head fell into her hands.
I rubbed my hand up and down her leg in a comforting gesture. “I’m here for you,” I told her seriously. “I am here to do whatever you need.” I just wanted her to know that she wasn't alone, that this time she had many people to rely on. “You just let me know whatever you need.”
