Looking around the arrivals lounge, I notice a small balding man holding a sign with my name on it. When I approach, he greets me with a soft smile.
“Miss Kennedy?” he asks, gently taking my hand.
“Please, call me Lillia.” I smile.
“Miss Lillia, let me take your bags.” He takes my bags from me and we make our way towards the parking lot to a black souped up four by four.
Climbing in the back, I sit back and take in the sights as we weave through traffic to the big city of New York. I’ve been to New York a few times, but it never fails to amaze me as I look around. The Empire State Building comes into view. I make a mental note to have a trip up there and finally conquer my fear of heights. Lennon and Aiden went up, leaving Tristan and me at the bottom because I had a panic attack just looking up at the sheer height of the building. Tristan insisted he stayed with me. He wasn’t leaving me down there on my own at night on the “mean streets of New York”.
“We’re here, Miss Lillia.” The driver opens the door for me. It occurs to me that I haven’t asked for his name.
“Oh, where are my manners? I didn’t ask for your name.”
“No worries. It’s Dennis.” He smiles.
“Nice to meet you, Dennis.”
“Mr. Michaels has left you some meals stocked in the refrigerator. He thought you would be tired after traveling and thought you would like an early night,” Dennis says, as we enter the apartment Avery’s uncle is renting out to me.
“Thank you,” I say absentmindedly, looking around in awe at this amazing apartment.
“I’ll be around tomorrow if you want a tour.”
“Thank you, Dennis. But I think I’d like to explore myself.” I offer him a grateful smile.
He gives me a curt nod. “If you need anything, just press one on the receiver by the door.” When my eyebrows crease together in confusion, he explains. “It’s a direct link to my phone and I will be here in a flash.” Something about that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want someone at my beck and call.
“Thank you, Dennis. But I think I’ll be good.”
After Dennis leaves, I flop back on the bed in the room I’ve decided to take. There are four to choose from, but this one called to me. The view is amazing. The bed faces a floor to ceiling window overlooking New York. I can see the Empire State Building in the distance, all lit up. A smile appears on my face when I think about my future here; it’s the first genuine smile I’ve had for months. I have a feeling I’m going to love it here.
I begin to unpack my cases Dennis so kindly brought up. I come across the letter Lennon handed me before I got on the flight. Sitting on the bed, I tear open the envelope and begin reading.
Lillia,
I woke up this morning from a dream. We were lying in bed together. You were talking to someone on the phone, pretending you were alone while I laced feather light kisses on your shoulder and neck, causing you to shiver and groan. The dream felt so real I could almost smell your skin, the touch of your body against mine. I woke up with the biggest smile I think I have ever had until I looked over and saw the side of my bed was empty and cold, void of you. I don’t know when I’ll see you again, and that’s what the most painful thing is.
The way we left things graduation night was never the way I wanted it to end, and I can only apologize for all the pain and hurt I caused you. Again. Maybe it’s for the best that you’re leaving, not that I don’t want you to be here, because if I could turn back the clocks and make it so you stay with me for the rest of our lives, I would in a heartbeat. No questions asked. But, as it is, it’s just not possible.
All I can think about is that you’re going to be thousands of miles away and we’re not talking. I keep thinking you might do a Friends type thing. You know, the one where we were all shouting at the TV, wondering if Rachel got off the plane, and Ross turns and Rachel is standing there.
I wish we were starting this new chapter in our lives together. I would love nothing more than to walk into our own apartment, and I would sit down with you every night, talk about how our days at work had gone, what we had planned for the weekend, whether we would be staying in having a movie day or going out with Lennon, Aiden, and Avery. What books you would read to me at night. Not Harry Potter though. You know my feelings on that book. Instead, I’ll be walking into my father’s house, filled with nothing but memories of you.
I love you, Lillia. I’ve loved you since I saw you leaning against the removal truck, arms folded over your chest in your jean shorts, looking on as your brothers and parents took boxes from the back with smiles on their faces. I was drawn to you. You sparked a light inside me I had no idea I had. I’ll miss you. Just know I’ll be here for you whenever you need me. You’ll forever be in my heart. I hope you find someone who can love you the way you love others. You deserve that much. I’m just pissed that I fucked up so much that it will never be me.
Love always,
Tristan xox
I struggle to read the last part of the letter through the tears building. I blink, and big, thick tears fall onto the paper that holds all of Tristan’s feelings. A range of emotions course through me; anger, hurt, sadness, and happiness. Why couldn’t he say all of this to my face? Why didn’t he come to the airport and stop me from getting on the plane? I don’t want to be the one that got away. I want to be the one that stayed.
I lean back, hug the letter to my chest, and cry until I pass out.
I’ll pick up the pieces of my broken heart tomorrow.
“You're an idiot.” My eyes snap up to see my brother’s beet red face. Is he angry with me? I've done nothing.
“Yeah, so you keep telling me, Aiden.”
“You really are that stupid to not see what you have in front of you!” He shakes his head. “Here you have an amazing, funny, sweet...” He swallows before continuing. “…Beautiful and smart woman who would give everything up for you and you just let her go. If I was in your position, I would fight any man that even looked her way. I have fought men looking her way. Yeah, I've fought men and warned them off her.” He twists his mouth in disgust as he looks me up and down in my drunken state. “Maybe, just maybe, she chose the wrong twin.” He turns on his heel and storms out of our apartment.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe she did fall for the wrong twin. I mean, Aiden is a better fit for her. They like the same things. Whereas me? I’m just the guy who used her, treated her like a whore. A guy who flies into a jealous rage if someone even looks her way. Because you refuse to tell her how you fucking feel, asshole. Grabbing the empty beer bottle, I launch it at the opposite wall, narrowly missing Lennon’s head.
My eyes widen with the realization that Aiden is in love with Lillia. My Lilly.
“What the fuck, man?” Lennon ducks out of the way, eyes wide, looking at me then the broken glass on the floor. Standing, I grab my jacket from the pile of boxes by the door and storm out without a word.
Walking around campus, everything reminds me of Lillia. The tree she used to sit under in the summer, writing in her notebook or reading some book while Lennon, Aiden, and I threw a ball about. The space between buildings where we fucked on the second night here. The seats where she would sit and wait on Lennon and they would go on their sibling bonding night, as Lennon called it. My heart getting heavier, I wonder what she’s doing right now. Pulling out my cell, I look down and read the last message she sent me:
Hey, me again. If you love me, come to the airport. If not, I understand and know where I stand. L x
“I’m sorry, Lilly.” I sigh, looking up at the blackening sky, just like my life without Lillia. She was my light, now she’s gone. I’m nothing but darkness.
“Tristan?” Avery’s voice hits my ears. I look around and see her under an umbrella, holding a bag of food. It’s then I realize it’s raining. “Come on. I got Chinese food.” She offers me a smile. I nod and follow her back to the apartment.
“You won’t do it!” Lennon chuckles. “I wa
nt cold, hard evidence when you do.” He looks over and his amused smile fades when he looks at me. “Call me tomorrow. I gotta go. Avery has just brought food.” He listens to the person on the other side of the call and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll take a cookery class. As will Avery.” He winks at Avery, who throws paper at him. “Okay, stay safe and lock all your doors.” He turns serious. “I love you, Lillia.” He sighs and hangs up. The hair on the back of my neck stands up when I hear her name.
“How is Lillia?” Avery enquires.
“She says you have to go on a cookery course instead of feeding me all this junk food.” Lennon walks over and kisses Avery’s cheek, collecting his plate of food.
“Whatever, Lennon. I hope she knows I’m a better cook than her.” Avery rolls her eyes. “Did she get settled in okay?”
“Yeah. She said she’s made one friend at least.” Lennon shoves a fork full of food in his mouth. “Some guy called Dennis.”
My eyes snap up to look at him. A guy? She’s been gone two seconds and already she’s moving on with some fucker called Dennis? She never fucking cared about me.
“Tristan? Dude?” I look around me and I see Avery shaking in my brother's arms and Lennon standing in front of me his brow wrinkled and a pained look in his eye, with his hands placed on my shoulders. I look down and see food, plates, and glass all over the floor. Shit. I did it again. Shoving his hands off me, I sprint to my room and slam the door. Running my hands through my hair, I pull it hard. I deserve this pain. I deserve everything that’s thrown at me. I deserve to feel this. I don’t deserve someone like Lillia in my life.
“Tristan?” Avery’s timid voice says. I look over to her; she still looks scared but she also looks sad for me. She walks over to me, pulls my head down to her shoulder, and lets me cry for the girl I let go without a fight.
Today’s the first day of my new job at Michaels’ Publishing House.
I start picking at my nails as I get closer to the huge, daunting building. Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth and repeat. My heart starts beating faster and faster, like it's preparing to take off.
My phone buzzes in my hand and I see that it's Lennon pulling me from my impending panic attack.
“Just wanted to call and wish you luck on your first day.” His voice calms me a little.
“Thanks.”
“You're nervous? Lillia, you have nothing to be nervous about! You've got this. You've worked your ass off for four years to get there!”
I love my brother. He always knows how to make me feel better about any situation. If I feel down, he's the one to make me laugh. Lennon, Aiden, and... no, don't go there! Closing my eyes, I take a deep, cleansing breath.
“You're right.”
He chuckles. “Of course I am. I'm always right.”
“Okay then.” Rolling my eyes, I giggle.
“Listen, I gotta go. I've got a meeting with the finance department to find out where the hell this fifty thousand dollars has gone.”
“Give them hell!”
“Lillia, be a unicorn. Be the shiniest fucking unicorn in that room! Blind them with your sparkling personality, and if they give you shit...” He pauses. “…Stab them with your horn.” He laughs at his own joke.
“Bye, Lennon.”
“Love you, Lils. Speak to you tonight.” He hangs up just as my name is called.
“Lillia.” A beautiful brunette smiles.
Taking one last deep breath, I walk through the glass doors to the dream job I have worked my whole life for.
Be a unicorn. Be a unicorn. Be a unicorn. I repeat the words until I'm faced with someone I hoped I wouldn't have to deal with again.
“Darcy.” My voice is small.
“Lillia.” Her eyes are bright when she looks at me. “Oh my God, it’s so good to see you again.” She pulls me into a hug.
“Um…” I stand there limply as she continues to hug me.
“Sorry, it’s just… wow. You look amazing.” She holds me at arm’s length and appraises me. “How do you stay in shape?”
She’s put on weight. A hell of a lot of weight. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; she was always too skinny in high school. But she made fun of me for being “plump”. I wasn’t. I was, as my mom put it, skinny as a rake.
“You look…” I look at her, unable to finish my sentence without hurting her feelings.
“Pregnant?” Well, don’t I feel shit for thinking she’s fat. “I can’t wait until this baby is out of me.” Her face lights up when she talks about her pregnancy.
“First?”
“Yes.” She beams. I stare at her longer than I should.
“Do you know who the father is?” My hand slaps over my mouth, mortified that the words actually came out. She doesn’t flinch. “Oh, God. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say that!” The sixteen-year-old frightened girl comes out in me, worrying about the wrath of the queen of bullies and what she might do to me.
“Oh, sweetie. That’s mild to what my mother says to me.” She actually smiles at me. “Yes, I know who the father is. I met him not long after graduation.” I look down at my watch and see I have five minutes until I have to be signed in. “Here.” She hands me a business card with her name on it. Mrs. Darcy Michaels; Realtor. “We’ll catch up at some point this week. If my husband gives you grief about being late, tell him I kept you.” She winks and walks away, leaving me perplexed. Husband? Avery’s uncle is married to my arch nemesis, Darcy? My so-called best friend seems to have forgotten to mention this little nugget of information. Shaking my head, I rush into the reception area and bump into a hard chest.
“Shit.” What the hell is wrong with me today?
“Slip?” A deep baritone voice calls me by my nickname from kindergarten. I look up and see ice blue eyes staring back at me. He gives me a cheeky smile as he holds me at arm’s length.
“Josh?” I gasp and throw my arms around his neck. Tears fill my eyes. Josh was one of my friends in San Francisco who I left behind. He was the one guy all the girls drooled over and said it was a damn shame he was gay.
“Not lost your clumsy status, I see.” He chuckles, looking down at his crisp white shirt now splattered with brown from my coffee. My hand flies to my mouth.
“I’m so sorry.” I rummage through my bag to find some tissues to blot it out. Josh’s hand covers mine.
“Hey, it’s fine. I’m just on my way home anyway.” I heave a big sigh and my shoulders sag. “You owe me, though.” A sideways smirk appears and an amused twinkle shines in his eyes. I laugh a little while shaking my head and rolling my eyes.
“Well, I think you should show me around this weekend.”
“Deal.” He hands me a card with his name and number on it. “Call me later. We’ll go for lunch.” He begins walking backward. “See you later, Slip.” He winks. Today is just full of surprises.
Taking a deep breath, I make my way to the big bad world of adulthood.
What a week! I throw myself down on the sofa. Mr. Michaels is really sweet and has nothing but love for his niece. He has pictures all around his office of her growing up, which reminds me, I have to call her and quiz her about the whole wearing of jeans, jean jacket and a cropped top, looking like something from the eighties. Josh and I have been having a great time catching up on old times and what happened when Lennon and I left. Fiona and Adam, two of my closest friend from San Francisco, are married now with two kids. Fiona got pregnant not long after we left. I was shocked because her dad was the vicar at our church. They had a shotgun wedding and have never been happier, apparently. Josh asked about Lennon, Luke, Mom and Dad, and if I’ve had many boyfriends. I said yes, of course. The men on the pages I read are all my boyfriends. There was no way I was mentioning Tristan to him. Josh is just as protective of me as Lennon and Luke are. It’s like having a third brother. My cell rings, alerting me to a Skype call. A smile appears on my face when I see Avery’s face appear.
“Hey, Av.”
<
br /> “What’s going on? You look too happy.” She narrows her eyes on me, leaning back on her computer chair and folding her arms across her chest, staring at me suspiciously.
“Nothing. Am I not entitled to be happy?”
“No. No, it’s just…” She looks over her laptop and lowers her voice. “The last time we spoke you were crying over the letter Tristan gave you.”
Tears burn the backs of my eyes. I will not cry over him. Not anymore. “Avery, I’m fine now. I was just missing you all. The letter added to the emotions I was feeling.” I decide to change the subject. “I’m thinking of changing my style.”
“Why? Your style is fine.”
“I don’t know. I hear double denim is coming back.” I bite the inside of my lip to keep from laughing. “Might give it a shot.”
Her face slowly reddens as it dawns on her that I’ve seen the pictures of her fashion faux pas. “Oh my God. You’ve spoken to Uncle Daniel.” She squeezes her eyes closed in embarrassment.
“Oh yes. He really loves you, Avery. It’s like you’re his own daughter.”
“Well, he was always around us while I was growing up. Plus, we love the same things.” She shrugs a shoulder. I smile, thinking about my own uncle - Dad’s brother. He’s exactly the same with Luke, Lennon, and me. He never married. He was married to the sea, as he said to me once when I questioned why he never married. He always joked that he was waiting on some damsel in distress for him to save.
“Also, you could have warned me about his wife.” I raise my eyebrow.
“Darcy?” Her brow creases together. “What about her? She’s lovely.”
“You remember I told you about this girl in high school who made my life hell?” I try to make her add it all up.
She nods her head then realization floods over her face. “No freaking way is Darcy the same one who traumatized you in school.”
“It is. Your aunt made my life hell. But, she does seem like she’s changed so I’m willing to talk to her and maybe see why she hated me so much in school.”
She Loves Me. He Loves Me Not. Page 11
