Step Beast

by Selena Kitt

  “But she did.” Beast let out a pent-up breath.

  It still horrified Tilly, knowing her mother had given Miles to Meg and Kate without telling her. Obviously, Meg and Kate knew who the birth mother was. But she wondered if they knew who had fathered him? Had Liv told them that, too?

  “I didn’t see him again until he was six months old,” Tilly confessed. “I was getting ready to go to college by then. Meg and Kate were so happy with their new baby… and Frankie had pulled me out of the hole I’d crawled into after you left…”

  “Oh baby.” He touched her cheek, wincing at her words. Suddenly, Beast paled. “Did you tell Frankie?”

  “No.” Tilly shook her head. “I never did. She didn’t know about Miles.”

  “At all?” His eyebrows went up. “How’d you manage that?”

  “Liv said I was ‘studying abroad,’” Tilly said, making a face. “I was up on the third floor the whole time.”

  “You’re fucking kidding me,” he breathed. “She locked you up on the third floor?”

  “Well, she didn’t exactly lock me up.” Tilly shrugged. “She just didn’t want anyone to know and it seemed like the best solution, I guess, until it was all over.”

  “You wanted to go into hiding?” he countered, his brows knitting.

  “Well, no…” She admitted. “But I didn’t have a choice. She was pretty adamant. And you know how she is…”

  He snorted. “Yeah.”

  “I never told her…” She put a hand on his arm. “That it was you, I mean. I know she suspected—she said as much—but I refused to ever tell her.”

  Beast put a hand to his forehead, rubbing over his brows, a gesture that reminded Tilly of his father.

  “She knew,” he said finally, softly.

  “What?”

  “Fuck.” He lowered his head, finger and thumb rubbing at his eyes. “She found out about us.”

  “What?” she breathed, her heart nearly stopping in her chest. “When?”

  “You remember when you came out to say goodbye, that summer?” He lifted his head to meet her gaze. “That’s why I was leaving early. I… I promised Liv I’d leave and never come home again.”

  “No.” Tilly couldn’t believe it. Liv had asked Beast to leave? To stay away? It was impossible. Liv loved Beast, she worshipped the ground he walked on—she would never, in a million years, cut him off. For God’s sake, the woman was giving her stepson, and not her own daughter, controlling interest in the entire Garrett fortune!

  “Why?” Tilly whispered. She couldn’t even imagine. “What happened?”

  Beast shook his head, looking blindly at the television where Leia and Han had just met up with the ewoks.

  “I didn’t want to leave you, Tills.” He ran a hand back and forth over his short, spiked hair. “Believe me, it was the last thing I wanted to do. But… you know how she is. She didn’t give me much choice.”

  Tilly actually smiled at that. She was quite familiar with that feeling. “What… did she threaten to disinherit you?”

  “No.” He gave a little laugh, turning his head to meet her gaze. “She threatened to disinherit you.”

  “Me?” Tilly gasped, covering her mouth, not wanting to wake Miles. She tried to wrap her head around what Beast was saying, but it wasn’t easy.

  “Yeah, you.” Beast swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, head in his hands as he confessed. “So I told her I’d go. And never come back. She made me promise not to have any contact with you, ever again.”

  “Oh my God,” she choked, the realization settling in her chest like a weight.

  “That’s why I returned all your letters,” he told the Oriental rug on the floor. “That’s why I never came home.”

  Tilly tried to keep her sobs in, feeling the loss of him all over again. All that time, she’d thought he didn’t want her.

  “But you’re all I thought about, Tilly,” he said, lifting his head and looking over at her with so much pain in his eyes, she thought it might kill her. “If I’d known about him? Nothing could have kept me away. I would have asked you to go away with me in a heartbeat.”

  “I would have done anything to be with you, Beast,” she whispered, her voice choked with tears. “Anything! Did you really think the money mattered to me?”

  “I couldn’t be responsible for you losing everything you’d ever known, Tills,” he said, his eyes pleading with her. “And Liv… she was right. I was bad for you. I am bad for you. You were so young, and you had your whole life ahead of you. I wasn’t going to ruin that.”

  “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” she hissed, her anger rising, not at him, but at Liv. How could she? How dare she? Everything could be traced back to the woman dying upstairs. Tilly’s own mother had conspired to make her life a living hell, and for what?

  But she knew. She knew exactly why Liv had done it.

  “When I found out I was pregnant, I kept it a secret a long time. Too long—long enough that Liv couldn’t force me to…” Tilly swallowed, saying the words. “Have an abortion. I think it happened that first time.”

  “The only time we didn’t use anything?”

  “Yeah.” Tilly nodded. “Anyway, I… I waited. And when she found out, we got into a huge fight. I mean—huge. I was going to run away and find you.”

  “To Afghanistan?” Beast smiled.

  “No. I found a place I could go, in the meantime, until you got home. I had it all planned—then Jill, do you remember Jill?” Tilly swiped at her tears. Her face felt stiff, permanently plastered with salt.

  Beast nodded. Jill had been one of the staff Liv had really had a hard time letting go—Jill had been with them since before Tilly was even born.

  “Jill found out,” Tilly said. “And she told my mother.”

  “Liv must have been furious.”

  “That’s when my mother told me she thought Miles was yours.” Tilly’s tears fell and she didn’t even try to wipe them away now. “She told me… if anyone found out I was just seventeen when you got me pregnant? That you’d be dishonorably discharged. She said you might even go to jail.”

  “She told you that?” Beast stared at her, aghast. “Holy fuck.”

  “So I had to let go,” Tilly choked, looking down at Miles. “Of you, of him. Of everything I ever wanted. Everything I loved.”

  “Tilly, I’m so sorry.” Beast shifted toward her on the couch, so Miles was half on his lap and half on hers, putting his arms around her.

  “It’s not your fault,” she whispered into his shirt.

  “It’s not yours either,” he whispered back, into her hair, kissing the top of her head again and again. “Oh Tilly, my God, Tilly…”

  “I know we weren’t supposed to happen…” she croaked. “I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. But I did. I do. We can’t help who we love. And I never stopped loving you or wanting you, but I knew it was wrong…”

  “Look at me.” He cupped her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him. “I was never ashamed of us. Never. I was afraid for you—I knew I was falling for you, and you were so young. I just didn’t want to hurt you. And when Liv confronted me about us, I…”

  Tilly’s tears continued to fall, seeing the conflicted look on his eyes.

  “I was a fucking coward, just like my father, when I walked away from you,” he whispered. “I will never, ever leave you again, Tilly. Not for all the money in the world.”

  His mouth captured hers, her lips salty with tears, and his tenderness made her cry even harder. Beast kissed her wet, tear-stained cheeks, whispering her name again and again. Tilly couldn’t believe this was happening. Had Liv really done what he said? Had she threatened Beast, forced him to leave?

  “I love you, Tilly,” he said when they parted, and he looked down at Miles, still sleeping between them. “And this… this little guy… I can’t believe we made him... he’s living proof of how much we love each other, Tills...” />
  “I love you, too.” She looked down at her son—their son. That fact filled her with so much longing and pride and pain, she didn’t even know what to do with it all. “And I love him. So much. It’s so hard, wanting to be his mother, knowing I never will be...”

  “Fuck that,” Beast snarled and Tilly lifted her head to see the spark of anger in his eyes. “You are his mother. And I’m his father. And that’s exactly what we’re going to be, Tilly.”

  “My mother won’t ever—”

  Beast put a finger to her lips and shook his head. “She doesn’t get a say. This is our life, Tilly. Yours and mine.”

  She thrilled to hear him say that, although another part of her wasn’t so sure. If Liv had gone so far to keep them apart…

  “What else did she say?” Tilly asked him. “My mother—what else did she want to talk to you about?”

  She saw something flicker in his eyes, but then Meg was stumbling into the room, Kate’s arm around her shoulder.

  “Tilly, she’s asking for you,” Meg said, her voice thick from crying, her face red, a bunch of tissues pressed to her nose. “You’d better go now.”

  Gina came in behind the two women, holding out a hand to Tilly. “Your mother wants you.”

  “Here, I’ll take him.” Kate moved in to pick up a sleeping Miles, who shifted but didn’t wake, and Tilly heard Meg sob. “Time to put him to bed, anyway.”

  “Do you want me to come with you?” Beast asked, helping Tilly to stand and steadying her.

  “I… no…” Her knees didn’t want to work at all, it seemed. Gina took her elbow from Beast, talking softly, although Tilly couldn’t have said about what, guiding her out of the room.

  Tilly glanced back at Beast and saw him standing, hands in his jeans pockets, watching her. He gave her an encouraging nod and she took a deep breath, letting Gina lead her into the foyer, heading for the stairs.

  Chapter 22

  Tilly thought she could smell death. It was medicinal mixed with something more organic. It reminded her strangely of the smell of the hospital room where she’d given birth to Miles—blood and excretions and ammonia. The beginning of life smelled exactly the same as the end, she thought, as she neared her mother’s open bedroom door.

  Gina stopped before the door, pulling Tilly aside.

  “She’s very weak,” said Gina quietly. “Just talking tires her out now.”

  Tilly frowned, glancing at the crack in the door. She could see her mother’s hospital bed, but just her hands, still on the covers. How had things gone from bad to worse, so quickly?

  Too fast, Tilly thought. Slow down, please. I’m not ready for this.

  “I’ll be right out here, if you need me,” Gina murmured, pushing the door open fully, letting Tilly see her mother sleeping, head tilted to the side, mouth half-open.

  She looks dead already.

  That thought startled Tilly, and it startled her even more that Liv could still open those jaundiced eyes, and focus on her daughter as she entered the room.

  But then she closed them again, as if keeping them open was too much of an effort. But Liv did slide her hand out, letting it hang off the end of the bed, opening and closing it like a child indicating they wanted something. Tilly moved closer to her mother and took her hand.

  “He still loves you.” Liv spoke, not opening her eyes.

  They weren’t going to waste words, Tilly realized. Not now. So she answered her honestly.

  “I still love him, too.”

  Liv nodded. “He knows Miles is his son?”

  “Yes.”

  “Mathilda, he’s still yours.”

  She blinked at her mother, not understanding. Who was still hers? Beast?

  “Miles,” Liv said. Her breathing was shallow. Talking did, indeed, seem an effort. “It was never legal. There are no adoption papers.”

  Tilly stared at her mother, breath caught. She’d wondered, of course, how Miles had been adopted without her signature. She’d been seventeen when she got pregnant, but she was eighteen by the time he was born. If there were legal papers to sign, her signature would have to be on them. But she’d never signed anything, had never given her permission.

  “Don’t blame Megan.” Liv’s hand tightened in hers, just the slightest pressure. “She loves you. She loves Miles. She did what I asked her to. She thought it was best… and so did I.”

  Tilly held her mother’s hand and waited, watching her face. She was breathing too fast, and the oxygen mask on her face made her voice muffled, although Tilly could still understand her. She realized Liv was just gathering the strength to continue.

  “I was wrong.” Liv’s eyes fluttered open and she focused for a moment on Tilly’s face. Her eyes, the same blue as her daughter’s, were actually filled with tears. “I was just so afraid for you—and Conrad. I wanted to do the right thing. I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to help.”

  Tilly nodded, unable to say anything, her own eyes filling with tears for the millionth time. She felt like she would never stop crying at this rate. Her mother wanted her forgiveness, and she was dying. Was she going to give it to her?

  “I was a baby when I had you.” A ghost of a smile flitted over Liv’s face. “I know what it’s like, being so young, having a child. I just wanted to save you from yourself.”

  Tilly shook her head, but her mother’s eyes were closed again and she didn’t see it. Of course, her mother thought she always knew best.

  “But you’re his mother,” Liv croaked, and then she winced, shifting on the bed, as if she was in pain. She coughed, turning her head, and to Tilly’s alarm, a bit of sputum mixed with blood filled her oxygen mask.

  “Gina,” Tilly called anxiously, squeezing her mother’s hand for reassurance.

  Gina ducked her head in as Liv’s coughing fit increased. The hospice nurse came over, helping Liv lean to the side as she coughed, which somehow seemed to help. Then she changed the oxygen mask, situating the new one on Liv’s pale moon face.

  “Better?” Gina asked her patient.

  “Thank you.” Liv nodded, eyes still closed.

  This is really it, Tilly thought, looking at her mother’s paper-thin eyelids. Liv hadn’t been a perfect mother—she hadn’t ever really even been a good mother, Tilly had to admit—but she was the only mother she would ever have. And she didn’t want to lose her.

  Tears streamed down Tilly’s face, and she lifted her mother’s hand, kissing the back of it, her skin cool, almost clammy. Liv’s eyes fluttered open again at her daughter’s touch.

  “Sometimes you want to protect your children,” Liv whispered. Her voice was fading and Tilly had to lean in to hear her. “And you do stupid things. You end up hurting, when all you wanted to do was help.”

  Tilly nodded, her tears falling fast now.

  “But I did it because…” Liv took a long, shuddering breath. Tilly thought she might start to cough again, but she didn’t. “Because I love you, Mathilda. I love you very much.”

  “I love you, too, Mother,” Tilly whispered, pressing her mother’s hand to her wet, tear-stained cheek. “So much. I don’t want you to go.”

  “I’m not gone yet.” Liv smirked and a sighting of the old Liv, the steel-spined woman who had singlehandedly run her father’s business for the past fifteen years, flashed across her face. “But I wanted you to know that I’m sorry for what I did. And I want you… I want you to be happy.”

  Tilly sobbed at her mother’s words, and she leaned over and did something she hadn’t done since she was a very, very little girl. She put her head in her mother’s lap and cried. Liv’s hand moved to Tilly’s hair, patting her gently, soothing her with the last bit of strength she could gather.

  “I’m sorry,” Liv whispered again, words that made Tilly cry even harder. “You were my baby, and I just wanted to protect you.”

  “I know,” Tilly choked out, remembering her panic when Miles had been found in the pool, her instinct to shake and hug him at the same ti
me, her wish that she could hide him away from the world and protect him forever.

  “Forgive me?” The question trembled on Liv’s lips as Tilly lifted her head to look at her mother through prisms.

  “Yes.” Tilly nodded, putting cautious arms around her mother’s neck and holding her close.

  “Thank you,” Liv whispered back as Tilly put her cheek against her mother’s. “I want you to know… I talked to your Aunt Megan.”

  Tilly leaned back, reaching for the box of Kleenex on the night table, where her mother’s wedding ring—a platinum heirloom worn by her mother before her—still sat.