Kneeling beside Rachel, he wrapped his arms around her and Daniel. She laid her head on his shoulder. The feeling of intensive relief was almost too much to bear. Tears sprang to his eyes, and he quickly wiped them away.
“You saved his life, Wade,” Rachel whispered against his shirt. “I was losing him, and you brought him back.”
Wade gently rubbed the baby’s face. “Thanks, but it wasn’t me. Maybe your God has other plans for him, too.”
Rachel kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”
The flap to the tent jerked open, and Mary stepped in. “I woke up and had to come check on the little ones. Are they all right?”
“I think they’re going make it,” Rachel whispered.
Have you had the measles, Mary?” Wade asked.
“I think so,” she replied.
“Good. The children all have them.”
Mary leaned over and checked each child. Grace’s breathing had evened out, and she appeared to be sleeping normally. Toby, over the worst, was sound asleep also.
“I think they’re better.”
Rachel let out a tired sigh. “Thank God.”
Reaching down, Mary plucked Daniel from Rachel’s arms. “I’ll stay with the children now. You two go back to your wagon and get some sleep. You look worn out.”
“No. I don’t know if Daniel is over the worst yet,” Rachel protested.
“He’s sleeping soundly, Rachel. If he wakes up, I promise I’ll call you.” Mary flapped a hand at them. “Go on now, both of you. I’ll be right here if they wake up.”
Wade helped Rachel rise. “Come on. You haven’t slept.”
Wearily, Rachel stepped on the wheel of the wagon and climbed under the canvas covering, with Wade not far behind her. The pallet lay stretched across the floor, the indention of Wade’s body clear on the blankets. Reaching behind her back, she began to undo the buttons of her dress until Wade’s fingers pushed hers aside to finish the tiresome task.
For the last two days, he had been withdrawn, distant. But tonight a new side of him had come to light, a vulnerable Wade who had suffered as a child.
And to think he had been thirteen at the time, alone with a heartless father. It was a wonder his good heart had survived?
With her back turned to Wade, Rachel slipped out of her dress and eased her nightgown over her head. She lady down on the pallet and pulled the blankets up around her.
Yanking his boots off, he laid them close to their bedding. He finished undressing and joined her.
A sigh escaped from Rachel. “I was so afraid, tonight. If we’d lost Daniel, after losing Papa only months before…”
Wade rolled over and wrapped his arms around Rachel, pulling her against him. “The fever broke. I think he’ll be okay now.”
“How did your brothers and sister die?” she asked.
“Measles.”
Rachel turned in Wade’s arms until she was facing him. Her hand reached up and caressed his face as she realized how fearful tonight must have been for him.. “Tonight was…”
“Just like when my brother and sister died, he finished.
Rachel placed a soft kiss on his lips. “Thank you for helping me tonight. Daniel would have died without you.
* * *
Rachel stretched her legs, colliding with the hard muscular strength of Wade’s thighs. She rolled over, laid her head against his chest, and snuggled up against him. She felt splendid this morning. The relief of Daniel’s fever breaking, and the memory of Wade confiding in her about his family had left her feeling everything would be fine.
She kissed his cheek, her lips nuzzling him with feathery kisses. One green eye, then the other, opened to gaze at her in sleepy surprise.
“You’re wide awake this morning,” he said, before his lips claimed hers for a kiss that left her insides quivering.
“Good morning to you too,” she replied. “I wish we could spend the day in bed. We could look for each other’s ticklish spots.”
Wade pulled her tightly against him. “The thought sounds inviting, but you’d never go through with it.
“You might be surprised.” She traced his mouth lightly.
His lips curled in a half-smile. “You’re not going to get up and check on the children this morning?”
Rachel frowned. “You’re right.”
“Besides, we don’t want to be left too far behind the others,” Wade reminded her.
“I know, but the thought was nice.”
“Being in bed with you is more than nice,” he said kissing her earlobe.
She giggled and dodged his grazing lips. He made her feel like a young girl, but gratitude made her speak seriously. “Thank you for saving Daniel last night, and for telling me about your family. It helped me to understand.
He pulled her down on his chest, wrapping his arms around her. “You’re welcome.”
She relaxed in the warmth of his embrace, feeling secured and loved. After last night, she understood Wade’s reactions much better than before. Still, she wondered about his intention to locate Walker. “Since we left Fort Laramie you haven’t said much about finding your brother. Have you given up?”
He toyed with a loose curl. “No. Sooner or later, I’ll find him. He’s the only family I have left, and I want to see him. Maybe even go into the ranching business with him.”
“But you could search forever without success.”
“I’m not giving up.” He sounded determined. Her fingers caressed the soft bristles of hair on his chest. She understood his need to find his brother, but what about their life together? What about the love they felt for one another?
He’d never mentioned love. He’d never said anything about staying with her. Surely he didn’t still mean to leave her and the children once they reached The Dalles.
Rachel could no longer stand the pretense, she could no longer wait to hear the words she hoped Wade would say. And she could no longer hold back the words that filled her own heart.
“I love you,” she whispered in the predawn chill.
The silence stretched on while Wade absorbed the information he had known, but refused to acknowledge. He loved Rachel in return, but that knowledge would stay with him until his dying day if he had anything to say about it.
Telling her he loved her would only make it that much more difficult when he had to leave. He knew that time was quickly approaching. And it was already getting to be hell.
“Don’t you have anything to say?” Rachel asked, her voice rising in panic.
“No.”
She rose on her elbow and looked down at him. “Doesn’t what we’ve shared together mean anything to you?”
Pain ripped at his heart. How could he deny what she meant to him without hurting her severely? If only he could tell her that she’d made his life whole for the first time, that he would spend the rest of his days missing her, wanting her.
“It’s not that simple, and you know it, Rachel,” he replied, his reply terse.
“You’re not answering me,” she said, her voice cracking. “Am I just another of your whores?”
Wade tensed, his voice rising in an angry whisper. “Don’t you ever call yourself a whore! You’ll always be special to me, but you and I both know that you’re not the man for me.”
Rachel jumped up, from their bed. “What are you saying? How could you make love to me and then just leave?”
“I’m doing what’s best for you,” Wade replied, unable to lie about his feelings.
She snatched up Wade’s pants, his shirt and underwear. Her hands shook as she flung them at him. “How can it be best for me when you’re breaking my heart? I can decide what’s best for me, thank you. Get out of my wagon. Get out of my life.”
“Rachel—”
“If I’m just another of your women, I don’t need you anymore.” She turned her back on him as she stared to dress.
Wade stood. Why couldn’t she see he acted out of love for her? She would come to hate him if he marrie
d her, more than she did at this moment.
Quickly, he yanked on his clothes. As he pulled his boots on, he reminded her, “We’re a hundred miles from The Dalles. Maybe I should leave now.”
“I should have known a gambler like you could never fall in love.”
But he had. She was his sunshine, his joy. But he loved her enough to give her what she needed, a good man who could provide her with a secure home.
“You’re no different than Ethan.”
No, he wasn’t like Ethan. But she needed a husband who was a better choice than a wanderer like himself. “You’ll feel different later, Rachel. You may even thank me one day.”
“How can you do this Wade?” Her voice broke. “I thought I meant something to you.”
“Don’t ever trust a gambler, sweetheart.” You never know when he’s wearing his poker face.”
Rachel stumbled over to the trunk and jerked open the lid. She dug around inside until she found her coin purse. Pulling out a wad of bills, she quickly counted four hundred dollars. She shoved the bills into his hand.
Wade let them drop to the floor. “I don’t want your money, Rachel.”
Picking up the bills, she stuffed them in his shirt pocket.
“Take your money and get out now!” she yelled at him. “Our deal is finished. I don’t need you anymore.”
Bent over like an old man, he crawled out of the wagon into the early morning light. Dear God, what had he done?
Chapter Sixteen
The noonday sun caressed Rachel’s face, its radiance warm against her skin, but the rays couldn’t penetrate the ice encasing her heart. She prayed something would make Wade come to his senses, realize the worthiness of their love and return to her. But with each passing mile her hope dimmed, and she knew she was alone.
Around noon, the children finally penetrated the fog that had descended on her with Wade’s departure. Stopping to feed them a quick lunch, she watched the wagons roll by, knowing she should get ready to roll again. But she couldn’t find the strength to move another mile.
Putting her face in her hands, she let the tears she had kept damned all morning flow down her cheeks, in rivers of pain. In the blink of an eye, Wade had left, taking her heart as a souvenir, along with the four hundred dollars due him according to their agreement. Why she had thought she could hold him would forever be a mystery.
But she had foolishly responded to his lovemaking, giving herself to him like a young bride, surrendering her heart and her body, though he had never spoken the words she longed to hear.
She sat with her back to the wagons rolling by, her face hidden. In her anguish, she failed to hear Mary approach. “Rachel, what’s wrong? Are the children worse?”
Rachel dried her tears, wondering how much she should tell her friend. “No, they’re in the wagon, feeling much better.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
Her bottom lip trembled with suppressed emotion, and she felt as if she were dying a slow, painful death with each breath. “Wade’s gone. I told him to leave this morning and he did.”
Mary sat down, tucking up her dusty skirt. “Wade left?”
“Yes.” Tears clogged Rachel’s throat.
Mary shook her head perplexed. “Where did he go?”
“I don’t know.” But she did know. He had chosen his old life, gambling and whoring in every saloon he could find, leaving her as easily as if she were one of his soiled doves.
“Come now, Rachel. He’ll be back by the time we make camp tonight.” Mary gave her a quick hug. “Wade loves you.”
A sob escaped Rachel as she shook her head. “No, Mary. You don’t understand. This whole trip has been nothing but a farce. I’m not the person you think.”
A frown gathered between Mary’s eyes. “Rachel, what do you mean?”
Rachel twisted her hands together. “It’s just that…” How could she explain the desperation of being left behind in Fort Laramie? Could Mary understand she had been faced with only bad choices?
“Whatever you’re trying to tell me can’t be that bad.” Mary’s eyes were soft with sympathy. “I’ve known you long enough to realize what kind of person you are.”
“How could you? I’ve lied to you and everyone else I’ve met.” Guilt lay like the oxen’s yoke, across her shoulder.
“Lied about what?” Mary looked perplexed.
Rachel extended a hand. “This is a long story, and for you to understand, I have to start at the beginning.”
“I’m listening,” Mary said, squeezing her fingers.
Leaving nothing out, Rachel explained how she had met Wade, and she revealed the bargain they had agreed upon. Mary’s face was a kaleidoscope of reactions, reflecting everything from sympathy to shock as Rachel confessed the truth regarding her marriage.
When she finished, Mary patted her hand. “I don’t know what to say.” She paused as if searching for words. “I have to admit I’m surprised. But you had no choice. You couldn’t go back. You lied only to save yourself and the children. If you’d stayed in Fort Laramie you might have had to prosti—”
“Instead, I prostituted myself to Wade. I sold myself for a trip to Oregon,” Rachel whispered.
“You made the best decision you could have in a bad situation, Rachel!” Mary reprimanded. Her voice turned softer. “If you lay with Wade, I know it was because you loved him and expected him to marry you proper.”
“But he didn’t Mary.”
Mary put an arm around her friend. “I don’t know what to say. You, of all people, know I’m not very good with men. It could be he’s not ready to you or himself that he loves you. But I find it hard to believe he’s ridden out of your life forever.”
Bitterness welled inside Rachel. “He got what he wanted from me, and now he’s gone back to his gambling, while he looks for his brother.”
“Maybe,” Mary acknowledged, pulling a handkerchief from her apron pocket, handing it to Rachel, “But sometimes you have to lose the ones you love before you realize how precious they are.”
“That may be true with most folks, but not Wade. He didn’t love me, so he won’t be coming back, Mary.” Rachel thought her heart would shatter with the pain. She dabbed at her eyes. “Until today, I never knew how much it hurt to love.”
“Amen to that,” Mary said, standing, and pulling Rachel up with her. “Come on. The afternoon is ebbing away, and we don’t want to get too far behind.”
Rachel sniffed. “You’re right. But it seems odd that we’re three weeks away from The Dalles, with no man between us.”
Mary gazed sadly at Rachel. “I never thought I’d end the trail alone, without my man. But I’m not going to quit now.”
Rachel’s voice trembled. “Wade agreed to leave before we reached The Dalles, but not this soon. And then, somewhere along the way, I began to think he would always be by my side.”
* * *
Damn her! Wade sat on the cold, hard ground, chewing on the piece of beef jerky that was his supper. For the last week, he’d followed the wagon train, unable to leave, yet not really sure why he couldn’t ride away. Every day, he kept just out of sight, but watched Rachel and the children.
And every night, when he camped nearby, the smell of Rachel’s cooking would tempt him unmercifully while he sat eating hardtack without the luxury of a fire or a cup of coffee.
He slid down until his head rested against the hard leather saddle. Hell, who was he kidding? She didn’t need him! She was the one who had asked him to marry her, take her to Oregon. And now, after all they’d been through, she’d thrown him out in the cold, just because he thought it was in her best interest to find someone else.
Who knew where he would be right now if he hadn’t fallen for her plea. Sure, he’d been broke at the time, but her four hundred dollars was the hardest money he’d ever earned. Physical labor didn’t leave a man all shredded inside, like he felt right now.
Wade slapped at a mosquito buzzing around his face. You’d think the cold
temperatures at night would freeze the little buggers. The past months with Rachel had softened him. He wasn’t used to bedding down with only his blanket to keep him warm, eating cold hardtack, doing without home-cooked meals.
But most of all he’d forgotten the quietness of being alone. How, in the stillness of the night, his own heartbeat could be the loneliest sound in the world. He missed feeling the soft roundness of Rachel’s backside snug up against him, hearing the pleasant sound of her breathing and feeling the silkiness of her hair tickling his cheek.
But he’d get used to being alone again. After all, he had four hundred dollars he was a free man and tomorrow morning he would pack his horse up and ride as far from Rachel and the children as he could push three horses in one day. Yet the thought of leaving made him anxious. What if she needed him?
A raindrop splattered on his face and ran inside his collar. Another drop hit, then another, until they fell in a steady rhythm. He pulled his ground cloth over his blanket and huddled against the hard ground, seeking warmth. Damn, he hated rain.
Wade rolled over, pulling the ground cloth over his head to keep off the downpour. He shivered. The rain was freezing. It would be a long, lonely night filled with thoughts of a warm, dry wagon and Rachel by his side.
* * *
Wade sat atop Sadie and looked across the valley at Rachel and Mary’s camp. The early morning sun had chased away the clouds from the night before, and a cool north breeze dried the earth. The temperature had dropped; the next rainstorm would bring snow to the mountains.
From atop the peak on which he sat, they looked like moving dolls. He was close enough to confirm they were safe, but too far to distinguish their features or hear their voices.
Now, seventy-miles away from The Dalles, he watched Rachel struggle with harnessing the oxen. It was a painful reminder of the day he’d found her. Funny how a chance meeting with a half-pint woman had changed his life.
He watched Toby help her lift the harness and slip it over the oxen’s heads. If the woman wasn’t so stubborn, he would be hitching her wagon instead of watching. He would be doing the chores that required a man instead of a half-grown boy.
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