The Velvet Ribbon

by Christie Adams

  “Please, Alex, don’t make me do this to you.”

  She was begging. In that moment, he hated himself for asking this of her, but she was the only one who could do it. He needed her love. “Mistress, I need you to do this. Please…help me.”

  He felt her lips on the back of his hand, then the gentle splash of her tears. She was going to run, his greatest fear, but then he felt her hands again, her touch tender as she stroked his back, working her way down from his shoulders. Heard her say over and over again how much she loved him.

  He couldn’t stop himself from tensing when she reached his hips, knew that Beth had felt that reaction when she paused and waited for a moment, her hands remaining in contact. Then she continued.

  Bile burned his throat, a sickening wave of fire that brought with it the hellish visions of that prison in the desert, the torture that had been inflicted upon him and the unending pain and humiliation that followed. He felt it all again, but as his fist clenched he took hold of those memories and began to destroy them, one by stinking one.

  No more.

  No.

  More.

  14

  Beth was crying. Her tears were silent, rolling freely down her pale cheeks. She could barely see to squeeze the lube onto her palm.

  She wanted to stop, wanted it so much that it was tearing her up inside, but this wasn’t about her, it was about him, the man lying so trustingly in front of her. She had to do it for him. She didn’t understand what was going on, couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was all about, but she knew one thing for certain—it was about something.

  He has a reason. He has to have a reason.

  “I’m sorry.”

  She barely whispered the words, knowing that even if he heard them, he wouldn’t want them. Her soul, on the other hand, needed them. They were her salvation.

  Her heart splintered when she heard his agonised moan at the first touch of her lube-coated finger to his anus, saw the way his body reacted. She felt sick to her stomach at the thought of what he must have been through, for him to react like that. His back arched for a moment, and then he was pushing against her. Beth applied more gel, and then knelt between his long, muscular legs.

  Her resolution almost failed at the first hint of resistance. Although she’d applied lube to her fingers and his anus, the sphincter tightened defensively, protecting that most private part of his precious body. Not knowing what to do, she gently stroked the rosette, letting her fingertip linger over the centre, applying just a little more pressure there, to encourage the relaxation this would need.

  His whole body was shaking. She reached towards his broad back, splayed her hand over as much of it as she could, hoping her touch would reassure and calm him.

  He grabbed handfuls of the bed linen. From the way he was pulling at it, he wasn’t putting them both through this for pleasure. So why, then? She looked at his face turned towards her, trying to get some idea of what was going through his mind, only for it to get a thousand times worse when she saw tears clinging to his eyelashes, the distant look in his captivating eyes once more.

  He’d given her the power, but never in her life had Beth felt so powerless. Every cell in her body screamed to release him and hold him to her body, to give him the comfort that would take away whatever was causing his pain, but instead she concentrated on doing what he asked. The sooner it was done, the sooner this agony would end.

  Her fingers began to work in earnest, her touch more insistent now. She murmured comforting words and felt him relax in response.

  “Please, Mistress…may I ask you to carry on talking to me?”

  For a moment, Beth’s mind clutched at fresh air. She was struggling to find more meaningful words that would release him from whatever dreadful place was holding him when a curious calm descended over her. It really was simple. All she needed to do was enfold him in her love, wrap it around him until that was all he could think of.

  “Alex, you’re the only man I have ever taken into my heart and to the depths of my soul. What I do now is done out of the love I have for you.” She stroked his back, crooning softly to calm him. “For this moment, you’re my sub, Alex—much loved, much cherished, much adored.”

  Beth eased herself a little closer, working her fingers a little more, and knew a moment of alarm when she heard another low moan drift over the threshold of his lips. She realised then that it was a moan of acceptance as he relaxed into the sensation. Her teeth clamped down on her lower lip; the slight sting of pain served to remind her that the longing she felt had no place here. Even so, she allowed her hand to trail down his back to his behind, the muscles of a man in his prime thrillingly hard beneath her touch. In that instant, her inhibitions melted away.

  “Do you know how beautiful you are, Alex? How desirable? I can’t imagine having a day in my life when I don’t want you. And I want you so very, very much. I didn’t realise it, but it’s been that way for all the time I’ve known you, right from the day I first met you. I think that’s why I’ve never been involved, never wanted to be involved, with any other man since the day we met.”

  Beth didn’t know if she was doing right or wrong, but her instincts were screaming at her to show Alex how close to him she wanted to be. She leaned forward and began to slide the lubricated dildo between the cheeks of his backside. The motion seemed to relax him even further, and then, in one smooth movement, she eased the tip into place and began to rock her hips against him.

  “You’re mine, Alex,” she whispered against his back. “I own you, you belong to me. While there’s breath in my body, no one else will have you.”

  “Yes, Mistress. I belong to you.”

  Something wonderful, something awe-inspiring, overwhelmed Beth in that instant—she felt Alex surrender to her, wholly and completely, giving everything that he was to her. In return, she could do nothing other than give him what he so craved. How she adored this gorgeous, wonderful man, for his strength, his integrity, all the qualities that made him the person he was.

  She felt the agony of wanting that vibrated through him. Instinct took over, guiding her movements as she made love to Alex in a way she’d never made love to any other man. Somehow she managed to reach underneath him and found his cock, rock hard under his taut belly, steel sheathed in velvet, leaving her with no illusions about how aroused he was.

  The heels of his hands pressed against the bed, forcing his upper body upright. Beth knew a moment’s alarm, and then remembered that she was able to make him relax. She laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, the soothing touch enough to persuade him to resume his position.

  Beth shifted slightly. With a little more room for manoeuvre, she was able to reach his balls, and as she thrust the dildo into him she squeezed, just enough to give him a bite of the pain he’d asked her for. Each small grunt of discomfort was like a poison dart through her heart—it was only the three words she kept reciting that enabled her to carry on.

  He needs this.

  And then she heard him, repeating one word over and over again, so quiet that at first she thought it was her imagination. She never would have guessed that the word “yes” could bring so much relief, but it lasted mere moments—with each repetition she sensed him going further away from her again. He was sinking into the world inside his mind, the world that had made him need this…this punishment. And with every passing second, Beth felt like she was losing his soul.

  “Come back to me, Alex,” she whispered, although she doubted he’d hear her. “Please come back.”

  His eyes snapped open. Beth gasped. He was back, and there was a fire in his eyes that scorched right through her.

  “Please, Mistress—I need to come. May I come?”

  His voice was strained with the effort of control. It was tempting to deny him his release, but she couldn’t. She could deny this man nothing, especially if it meant that he could finally attain the peace he needed—the peace he deserved. If it meant tha
t this would be over. “You may, Alex.”

  She held him through the most violent orgasm she had ever witnessed and when it was done, she flung the strap-on away from both of them and almost tore the bonds from his wrists and ankles, pushing the shackles, bars and chains away from him as if they were toxic. Her eyes stung with unshed tears when she moved beside him, wrapping her arms around him to pull him close.

  He was saying something. Beth froze, struggling to hear what it was, and then she realised—he was thanking her.

  When she felt his tears on her skin, she came crashing back down to earth. Dear God, what had she done?

  “It’s all right, Alex, I’ve got you,” she comforted him, pushing aside the pain of her reaction. “It’s over now. It’s done. You’re safe with me. I’ll only be a moment.”

  She returned from the playroom with a bottle of water, wet wipes and soft, warm towels. With great care, she cleansed his body, her touch as gentle as she could make it. He didn’t move at all, just let her do what she needed to do. At first, she thought he was mentally distancing himself again…until she saw that his attention was quietly focused on her. There was a calmness about him too, almost as if he’d come to the end of a long battle and finally won. When the job was done, she made him drink the water before lying down beside him, taking him in her arms again and pulling the blankets over both of them.

  Beth waited until he fell asleep. Once she was sure that he wouldn’t wake, she very carefully moved away from him and tucked the blankets around him again, all the while hating herself for what she’d done to him. She should have had more strength. She should have refused to do what he asked. She should have found a way to help him that didn’t include…that.

  How could she have done it to the man she professed to love? How on earth was she going to face him after that?

  How could she face herself?

  ~~*~~

  Alex knew, before he even opened his eyes, that Beth was gone. He knew because of the aching void in his heart. The emptiness of the bed echoed the emptiness in his soul.

  He watched his hand move to the place where she should have been, watched the fingers clench the sheet. His selfishness had driven her away. He should never have given in to his weakness.

  He’d lived with it for more than ten years, for Christ’s sake. He could have lived with it for ten more—twenty more, for the rest of his life, if it meant keeping hold of Beth. Was trying to banish the hell that crouched like a malevolent demon at the back of his mind worth putting her through all of that?

  She must have put the blankets over him before she left, but he had no way of knowing whether that was five minutes or an hour ago. It was dark outside, which told him precisely nothing. He needed to find Beth, but first he needed to make himself fit to find her.

  Ten minutes later, cleaned up and dressed casually in jeans and a polo shirt, Alex went in search of his woman. The house was eerily quiet, and not knowing Beth’s location was intensifying the anxiety gnawing at him.

  He found her in the family room, curled up in an armchair, reading a book in the light cast by the freestanding lamp. The curtains were closed, adding to the air of cosy comfort. For a few moments, Alex just stood quietly in the hall, looking at her, letting his gaze absorb every inch of the lovely picture she made. He could never get enough of her. Every beat of his heart was just for her. How beautiful she’d be if she were sitting there nursing their child.

  “Beth.”

  She looked up at the sound of her name, her expression portraying neither love nor hate. She had, however, been crying. He’d done that to her. Christ, he was a selfish bastard. He opened his mouth to speak—and realised there was nothing he could say to her. He turned on his heel and strode off, determined to distance himself from Beth as much as he could until he found the words.

  After making sure that Alex was warm and safe, Beth had tidied herself up, gone down to one of her favourite rooms in the house, and made herself comfortable with a book. She’d been pretending to read for the last couple of hours, unable to concentrate for thinking about Alex. She hadn’t dared to return to the bedroom, for fear of finding him awake and not knowing what to say to him.

  She had no way of knowing how long he’d been standing there watching her. When she looked up at him, he looked as if he was about to say something, but instead had just stalked away. In those brief seconds, she’d felt her heart leap at the sight of him, looking so strong and vital and devastatingly handsome—as if the events of a couple of hours ago had never happened. Then he was gone, and all she’d got from him was a sense of a barrier going up between them. She was torn between wanting to go after him and leaving him to find his own way back to her.

  Why did relationships have to be so damn difficult?

  The sound of the doorbell was a welcome distraction—she’d forgotten that Cam was coming back, and that she’d promised him a steak dinner. If Alex had gone off to lick his wounds somewhere, then it was up to her to play the gracious hostess in his absence. She smiled; with Cam, that wouldn’t exactly be a chore.

  “Hi, angel,” he greeted her when she let him in and he went to plant a friendly kiss on her cheek. “You okay?”

  “Of course I am,” she responded, aware that her voice was strained and Cam was astute enough to know her affirmation for the lie it was. “Come on in. I’d tell you to make yourself at home, but you already do anyway.” She smiled, finding a little comfort in the presence of the big blond Dom. At least there wouldn’t be any awkward silences while he was around.

  Alex reappeared a few minutes after his friend’s arrival. Beth left the two men talking while she went to prepare dinner, finding the kitchen a sanctuary after such a difficult afternoon. She needed that more than she needed to hear what news Cam had brought with him.

  Still mystified, she put her best effort into trying not to work out what was going through Alex’s mind for him to have made her do that to him, but the hardest thing to try to blank out of her mind was his tears. When the memory surfaced—and it did, many times—she found herself crying for him. And she didn’t even have the excuse of chopping onions to explain the watery eyes. She was just thankful there was no one there to whom she had to explain.

  Dinner was civil enough, and afterwards all three of them adjourned to the family room. Beth made sure that she chose an armchair, rather than one of the sofas. She needed to keep her distance from Alex; from their expressions and the quick look they exchanged, it didn’t go unnoticed by either of the men, though they said nothing.

  Her contribution to the conversation was minimal, to say the least. Beth was painfully aware of Cam’s attempts to include her, but in the end she decided that it wasn’t fair on him. And not only that—she couldn’t stand the strain of trying, and clearly failing, to appear as if everything were normal. At least that was something she could do something about.

  “If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go to bed. I could do with an early night.”

  The two men watched Beth leave the room, and then Cam turned to his friend and said, with a distinctly unfriendly edge to his voice, “Okay, what have you done to her now?”

  Alex’s face betrayed nothing. “She’s had a long day. She’s tired.”

  “She was fine before I left. As soon as I got back, I could see the difference in her. She looks lost. Have you dumped her?”

  Alex remained silent for a few moments. “I haven’t dumped her,” he stated quietly.

  “Then what the fucking bloody hell have you done?”

  Cam’s hands formed into fists. He and Alex were old friends, in some ways closer than brothers, but he was ready to beat the crap out of the other man for what he’d done to hurt Beth, no matter what it was. “You made her do something she didn’t want to do, didn’t you? What did you do to her, for God’s sake?”

  Alex’s silence spoke volumes. “Not to her.” His voice was as bleak as his eyes. “I asked her to do it to me.”

>   Cam swore viciously. “Asked implies that you gave her the opportunity to refuse. I’d stake everything I own that one way or another, you gave her no choice in the matter. Hell, she’d do anything for you anyway. So what the hell –” He broke off what he was about to say, closing his eyes as an answer—the answer—occurred to him, and when he spoke again his voice was a lot calmer. “Christ, Alex, I’m sorry –”

  “Not as sorry as I am,” the other man admitted quietly. “She’s hurting and it’s all my fault.”

  “I’m not going to ask exactly what went on, that’s between the two of you, but did you at least tell her why?”

  Alex’s defences went up. “No,” he said curtly. “How could I tell her about that?”

  Cam took a deep breath. He hated talking about what happened to his friend, even though it was more than a decade after the event. He’d seen the results of what they’d done to Alex, supported him on the long walk to the helicopter that had taken him to the hospital, and had sat with him every day while he was treated for his appalling injuries.

  Cam had also been there when Alex, physically healed, had stormed out of his first therapy session, swearing blind he’d never go back—and never had. Since then, Alex had largely avoided discussing that horrendous time in his life, apart from one unforgettably distressing night.

  After a few whiskies too many, he’d told Cam what he thought he needed to drive the memories away. Cam had done his best to convince Alex of the lunacy of his idea. He had his own thoughts on the matter, mostly involving a return to the therapist, but it looked like Alex had put his ill-conceived plan into action.

  “I can’t tell you what to do, my friend, how to put this right, but she needs to know. At some point, you’re going to have to tell her the whole story. Right now, she’s hurting and she’s confused, even I can see that, just as I can see her need to understand what’s going on with you. And she will understand.”

  “How can you know that?”