Laced with Fear

by Hayley Faiman

  “Do we have a name picked out yet, Daddy?” a nurse asks. She’s smiling at me, but I’m frozen in shock. This little creature in front of me, she’s mine.

  “Evalyn,” I whisper as I reach out to touch her. I bring my hand back before I make contact and the nurse laughs softly.

  “Have a seat, let’s do some skin-on-skin with baby Evalyn.” Looking up at the nurse I blink. If I understand her, she wants me to hold the baby.

  Shaking my head, I refuse to sit. “She’s too small for me to touch. She’s not any bigger than my hand,” I announce.

  The doctor wraps his hand around my shoulder and gives me a gentle squeeze. “She’s a good size for her age. The skin-on-skin will help bring up her body temperature. It will be good for her and good for you too,” he says.

  Sitting down in the chair, I slip my cut off, then pull my shirt off. The doctor tells me he’ll be back when Ginger will be able to have visitors and he quietly disappears. The nurse brings Evalyn over to me and I look up at her, scared shitless to touch her, let alone hold her.

  “I’m going to place her on your chest. Just hold her against you,” the nurse says, her tone soothing.

  She places Evalyn’s microscopic body against my chest, then covers us with a warm blanket. I glance down at the top of her head, her body so tiny against my own. I hold onto her with both hands, scared to death that I’m going to squish her in some way.

  I tip my chin and place my lips on her small head, inhaling her scent as my eyes automatically shut. “Hey Evalyn, I’m your daddy,” I whisper.

  We stay like that, she and I, my hands wrapped around her tiny little body. Slowly, I relax as I just feel her breathing against me.

  “Are you ready to see Mama?” the doctor asks.

  My eyes pop open, and I look up at him. The nurses are no longer hovering around me, and I wonder how long I’ve been here. Looking down at Evalyn first, then back up at the doctor, I frown.

  “Who will take care of her when I’m gone?” I ask.

  The doctor gives me a small smile. “The nurses here are the best of the best, Mr. Gordon. They’ll feed her, change her, and take care of her. However, I would recommend you come back before you leave to hold her some more.”

  I nod, but I don’t want to leave her. Not even for a second. I need to see Ginger though, I need to make sure she’s okay too. I’ve never felt so torn in all of my life.

  The same nurse from earlier walks over to me and she gently takes Evalyn from my grasp. I watch as she places her down in an incubator. Then she puts on these little white gauzy looking sunglasses and turns on a blue light.

  “What’s that for?” I ask, putting my shirt then my cut back on.

  She gives me a smile before she answers. “Baby has some jaundice, which is completely normal given her early arrival. This will help her, and we’re going to give her a bit of oxygen as well,” she murmurs as she fits her with oxygen tubes. I want to take them off of her, but I don’t, she needs them and she’s so fucking small.

  “Other than that, the jaundice and the oxygen, she’s okay?” I ask nervously.

  “A doctor will give you a complete update, but so far, that seems to be all. She’s a strong girl, and she’s big for her age.”

  I nod, turning to follow the doctor toward Ginger. My heart tugs, begging me to stay with Evalyn, but I don’t. Ginger needs me, so I continue following the doctor who takes me to her room.

  Once we’re inside, the doctor doesn’t linger, he leaves, and I find myself alone with Ginger. She looks like she’s sleeping peacefully, her eyes closed as the monitors beep softly throughout the otherwise quiet room.

  I don’t bother dragging one of the chairs over to her bedside. Instead, I just stomp over there and sit down next to her, careful not to bump her or any of the chords attached to her.

  On our way to her room, the doctor explained that she should be awake at any moment, her drugs have completely worn off, and she should be coming to anytime. I squeeze her hand, hoping to see her pretty brown eyes open and look up at me.

  My phone buzzes in my pocket, but I ignore it. When she doesn’t wake up right away, I look around her room, my eyes landing on a whiteboard. There’s a message written on it, and I focus on it. Welcome baby Evalyn Gordon, three pounds, two ounces, sixteen inches long.

  Closing my eyes for just a moment, I think about Evalyn, and how tiny she was. I didn’t think to ask how much she weighed, or how long she was. I was just so fucking scared to hold her.

  I pull out my phone, taking a picture of the dry erase board, and I send it in a group text to all of the brothers. Then I turn it off. They’ll all be down here soon, if they aren’t already waiting downstairs.

  “Pres,” Ginger’s voice rasps. Looking up at her, I smile as her eyelids flutter open. “What happened?” she asks, her brows tugging together in confusion.

  Sucking in a deep breath I tell her everything that I know. Obviously, I don’t know a whole hell of a lot because I was stuck in the waiting room for most of it, but when I tell her about Evalyn, that she’s here but in the NICU, Ginger starts to cry.

  “I want to see her,” she whimpers.

  Reaching for her hand, I take it in mine and I give it a squeeze. “She’s so tiny but so beautiful, peaches,” I mutter. “I’m sure that they’ll take you to her as soon as possible.”

  Ginger cries so I lean down and hold her, careful not to press her body against mine too tightly. “Peaches, you have to calm down,” I whisper against her ear.

  “She was born, I didn’t see her, I didn’t see anything,” she blubbers against me as her body trembles.

  A few minutes later, a nurse comes in, and I glance over to her. She gives me a sad look, then plasters on a bright smile.

  Ginger leans back, wiping the tears from her face with the back of her hand. The nurse explains that in just a few short hours, they’re going to hopefully be able to get her in a wheelchair and take her to Evalyn.

  Ginger smiles genuinely when she hears that she’ll be able to see Evalyn soon, but when the nurse leaves her face crumples again.

  I hold her, my heart breaking that she’s stuck in this bed and can’t see our girl. When she finally passes out from exhaustion, I gently lay her down in the bed. Running my hand through my hair, I let out a heavy sigh.

  “You need some rest,” a voice says from the doorway. Turning around, I see Gracie standing, her hip against the jamb and a smile on her face.

  “How long has it been?” I ask.

  She shakes her head slightly, then steps forward. “If I didn’t have a friend who worked on this floor, I’d have to bribe someone to let me in, because it’s well past visiting hours,” she explains.

  “I can’t leave Ginger, or Evalyn,” I grunt.

  Gracie presses her lips together, then lifts her chin slightly. “Go to Evalyn, then go home and shower. Come back a new man tomorrow. I’ll stay here with Ginger the rest of the night,” she offers.

  My eyes fly back to Ginger, her face is splotchy from crying, but her breathing is slow and even as she sleeps. “Go to your daughter, Ginger would want that,” Gracie whispers. I nod. She would want that, I know that she would.

  Leaning over Ginger, I press my lips to her forehead before I stand and walk toward the exit. I take Gracie’s hand in mine, giving her a gentle squeeze as I pass by her. “Thanks,” I mumble.

  She smiles up at me. “You and Ginger would do it for us, that’s what family’s for,” she whispers. I lift my chin then walk away, toward my daughter.

  GINGER

  My eyelids slowly open and I can tell that it’s lighter outside. The room isn’t bathed in darkness anymore, nor are the lights on. The blinds must be open.

  I glance down at my stomach and a sadness washes over me. Evalyn is no longer in my body, and I never thought that I would feel this lonely. I know she’s still alive, but not having her in my arms, or inside of me, it makes me feel cold and sad.

  “The nurse said you could
see her today,” a voice says.

  Turning my head, I’m surprised to see Gracie sitting on the sofa against the wall in the room. I look around for Prescott, but I don’t see him anywhere. I frown, wondering where he could be.

  “I told him to visit with Evalyn, then go home, shower and change clothes,” Gracie explains before I can voice my question.

  “Oh,” I whisper.

  Suddenly, a surge of jealousy rushes through me. He’s seen our daughter at least twice, and I haven’t seen her once. He’s able to walk around, to shower and change. He’s able to sleep in our bed, all the while I’m stuck in here, immobile.

  Gracie clears her throat. “When he comes back, I’ll go by the house and pick up some clothes for you and your bathroom things, so you can shower and freshen up,” she explains.

  “Okay.”

  “It’s okay to be upset, Ginger. You’ve been through a lot the past twenty-four hours,” Gracie whispers.

  I shake my head. “I shouldn’t be upset, or jealous, or angry. I should be grateful that Prescott is being so great, and that I have a friend like you to help me. I’m just being irrational and emotional,” I shrug.

  Gracie laughs. “All those feelings are valid, Ginger. Your body and your mind have been through hell. Feel however you need to feel, but don’t suppress it or hide your emotions. You’re going to go through even more the next few weeks. It will all even out, eventually, but don’t be afraid to feel right now,” she advises.

  I open my mouth to reply when the door flies open, and a man stands on the other side. I almost scream at the stranger before me until my eyes meet his green ones.

  It’s Prescott, but he looks so different that I didn’t recognize him at first. His overly long dark hair is cut short and styled back. His beard is cropped so close to his face, it’s just a little more than stubble.

  “I told you that I would cut it before Evalyn came, that didn’t happen, so I went early this morning,” he shrugs.

  Gracie stands, and I watch as she walks over to him. She murmurs something, and he takes his keys out of his pocket, slipping them into her hand before he continues making his way toward me. He sits down on the edge of the bed, and takes my hand, giving me a squeeze.

  “Doctor should be here in a minute to talk to you. Then, he said we’d be able to see our girl, together,” he grins.

  Uncontrollably, tears fall from my eyes and I reach for his hand, holding it tightly with mine. Words escape me, and I only nod, unable to say or do anything else. Prescott grins, dipping his chin as he lifts our hands up and his lips brush mine.

  “Peaches, I love you so fucking much,” he grunts.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  GINGER

  The nurse wheels me, too fucking slowly, in my personal opinion. I want to see my baby, and I want to see her now.

  Prescott showed me a picture of her, and he told me how tiny she is, but I want to hold her myself. It feels like it takes a lifetime to get to her, but when we arrive at the entrance to the NICU, I feel nauseous.

  I’m not ready.

  My stomach knots and I hold my breath when the doors open, and we go through.

  I know exactly what incubator she’s in, and I can see the blue lights shining on her. Prescott explained the lights to me, they help with her jaundice.

  I want to rip her out of the small little plastic bubble and take her home where she belongs—at my side, always.

  The nurse standing at Evalyn’s side looks up, but she doesn’t look at me, her eyes meet Prescott’s and I watch as a huge smile plasters on her face.

  Narrowing my own eyes, I look from her then back to him. He’s got a similar expression on his face, but his gaze isn’t pointed toward the nurse. No, Prescott’s eyes are solely on his daughter. My heart practically bursts at the sight.

  He rushes past me, and I watch as he rips his shirt off, reaching for the baby before quickly placing her on his chest. My smile turns into a giggle and I hear the same come from the nurse behind me. “He’s one of the most excited fathers I think I’ve ever seen, you’re very lucky,” she grins.

  The nurse parks my wheelchair next to him, and puts the brakes down so I can’t move. She whispers that she’ll be back a bit later to pick me up, then she quietly walks away.

  The NICU nurse, she only has eyes for my husband, or rather his chest as she brings a blanket over to him. It doesn’t shock me, Prescott is built quite nicely, however, I wish she could keep her eyes to herself in this situation and circumstance.

  “I think Ginger needs to hold her,” Prescott announces.

  I watch as the nurse jerks, and she looks over at me with a bit of shock on her face. She probably had no freaking clue I was even in the room.

  Prescott brings Evalyn over to me as the nurse adjusts the top of my gown to allow for her to be placed against my bare skin. Then they both help cover us up. Looking down, I can’t believe that she’s mine, and so tiny, but so absolutely beautiful.

  “I’ve never seen anything as gorgeous as her,” I whisper, tears filling my eyes yet again as I look over to Prescott.

  He smirks at me, his fingers reaching out to touch Evalyn’s soft head. “She looks exactly like her mama,” he states.

  I swear the nurse in front of us swoons. I do too, so I try not to hold it against her. We spend hours together, just the three of us, plus the nosy nurse. She’s helpful when it’s time to feed Evalyn and I try to breastfeed but end up giving her the bottle after a little while. The nurse tells me to come back and try again, never giving up if it’s something that I have a desire to do, and I truly do.

  By the time we leave the NICU, I’m in tears again. I don’t want to leave my baby, but I need to rest. I hurt, and I’m exhausted.

  I’m wheeled back into my room, and Prescott helps me to my bed so that I can rest. He sits down next to me and we talk. He explains that he’s told everybody about Evalyn’s arrival, including my mother who will be here by tomorrow.

  I fall asleep to the sound of his voice as he murmurs what everybody has said about our sweet girl, how all of the brothers can’t wait to meet her. How they’re all half in love with her already just by her photograph. How she’s going to be the most protected princess the Notorious Devils has ever seen.

  SNAKE

  I press my lips to the brand on Ginger’s neck before I leave her asleep in her hospital bed. I don’t go back to the NICU, choosing to make my way toward my pickup. Ginger’s Jeep wasn’t towed away, Free was able to talk the security guard out of it the night everything went down. I’m grateful and lucky. That was not something I really wanted to deal with on top of everything else.

  Letting out a breath, I start the engine of my truck. I need to get headed toward the airport, it looks like I’ll probably be late as it is to pick up my mother-in-law.

  I’ve only met Roberta once, and she’s not the kind of woman you leave waiting. She’s the kind of woman who’ll hand you your balls. She’s already pissed as fuck that she didn’t know about Ginger’s blood pressure issues ahead of time.

  She thinks we kept it from her on purpose, and maybe Ginger did, but I never thought it was really that big of an issue. I was worried at first when the doctor mentioned it. Then Ginger seemed fine, and quit taking on so much at the bar, I figured that was all she really needed to have everything under control.

  Luckily, the hospital isn’t too far away from the airport, and I make it in record time. I pull up to the passenger pickup area right as the woman herself walks out.

  Roberta’s shorter blonde hair comes into view and I smile when I see her. She looks so much like my Ginger, albeit a bit older, but I know just by the looks of her mother, that my woman will be a knockout as she ages.

  I shift the truck into park, and quickly slide out of the vehicle, hurrying toward Roberta so that I can grab her luggage.

  “How are they?” she asks, foregoing any type of greeting.

  Reaching down, I pick up her suitcase by the handle and begin t
o make my way back toward the truck.

  “They’re good, Roberta. Ginger is tired, but she’s started moving around some. Evalyn is so beautiful and strong,” I say with a smile.

  “I want to see them right away,” she demands.

  I chuckle, tossing her bag in the backseat before opening the passenger door for her. “You got it,” I grin.

  Driving back to the hospital, Roberta doesn’t say a word, not until I find a parking spot and shift into park. She reaches for my forearm and wraps her fingers around it. Glancing over at her, I lift my brows, waiting for her to speak.

  “I know something bad happened to my daughter. I know that your club was to blame. I don’t know what it was. I’m trying not to judge, but everything inside of me is screaming to take them and leave you here,” she admits.

  I try not to get angry at her words, or to tell her to fuck herself because I don’t blame her a single fucking bit. With everything that’s happened just the past few weeks, her words ring true and accurate.

  She should take Ginger and Evalyn away from me. They should fucking sprint as far away as they can. It wouldn’t do them any good though, I would come after them, I’ll always go after them. They’re mine. Both of them are mine and nobody else’s.

  “I wouldn’t let you,” I admit, keeping my voice low and even. I ignore the screaming rage that’s inside of me, begging to get out and turn on my mother-in-law.

  Roberta lifts her chin, pressing her lips together. “Ginger wouldn’t go anyway. I sent her up here because she was more like my brother than anybody else in our family. Cash was strong and smart, but he was also stubborn. If anybody could help him in his sickness, or if there were anybody he would allow to help, it was Ginger,” she murmurs. I know all of this though.

  I knew Cash before Ginger came into his life. He was strong and stubborn as fuck. He was also one of the kindest men I knew. Never outwardly kind, but he did things when nobody was watching. He would buy groceries for a single struggling mother and leave them on her porch, he would donate dozens of backpacks full of school supplies every year to the elementary school in town. Little things to some people probably, but gigantic things to the people he touched. Ginger has the same heart. I thought that what happened to her would close that part of her off, but thankfully, it never did.