Change Your Thoughts—Change Your Life

by Wayne W. Dyer

  Yet this is the very way that

  kings and lords once described themselves.

  For one gains by losing,

  and loses by gaining.

  What others taught, I teach.

  The violent do not die a natural death.

  That is my fundamental teaching.

  Living by Melting

  into Harmony

  The beginning of this verse reiterates what Lao-tzu has been saying throughout the previous 41 sections of the Tao Te Ching—that is, the Tao is the hidden force that brings all of the creatures and substances that comprise the 10,000 things into being, as well as being the intangible that we think of as oneness or wholeness. All carry and embrace the opposites of yin and yang, or the feminine and masculine principles. This verse reinforces the idea that blending these seemingly opposing forces is the way to achieve harmony.

  Lao-tzu reminds you of the things that you probably think cause suffering and suggests that being orphaned, going hungry, or feeling worthless are high on the list. But then he says that achieving harmony in terms of the Tao involves gaining by losing. Does he mean that if you lose your home, your mom and dad, your belongings, or your sense of self-esteem, you’ll gain all that you need? What? How is that possible?

  Your infinite self that originated in, and is animated by, the Tao needs nothing to sustain itself. Parents, possessions, and self-worth are only necessary to the existence of your mortal self. Lao-tzu wants you to recognize this difference within the oneness that you are. He teaches that you gain awareness of your Tao nature through the loss of emphasis on the physical conditions of your life. In your oneness, you’re likely to lose the Tao sensibility in proportion to the emphasis you place on worldly desires. At the same time, Lao-tzu emphasizes that death of the mortal self is influenced by the way you live. You will die as you live is the fundamental teaching for the mortal self. This is the balancing act that’s required to truly melt into harmony with the Tao.

  The last several lines of this verse insistently drew my attention when I was researching, writing, and meditating on this 42nd passage. I studied many translations of it, and I spent countless hours communing with Lao-tzu, gazing at his likeness in my writing space. I discovered that this particular verse was always interpreted with the same kind of dramatic emphasis. All said something similar to the following: “I take this to be the father of teachings”; “Know this to be the foundation of my teachings”; “This will be the essence of my teaching”; “Whoever says this is my beloved teacher”; and the one I used here, “That is my fundamental teaching.” My conclusion is that when you’re violent in any way—including in your thoughts, behavior, pronouncements, and allegiances—then you’re choosing to die in the same way. Of course, you’ll draw your own conclusions about the significance of this particularly dramatic instruction of the Tao Te Ching.

  The insistence with which this teaching presented itself to me leads me to believe that Lao-tzu wants me to emphasize that its opposite is also true. That is, a person who embraces the Tao and eschews violence and hatred will live and die naturally . . . which is in harmony with the perfection of the Tao. So I invite you to change the way you perceive what keeps you from harmonizing with your Source. The birthing agent of all is also your ultimate place of return when you leave your body in that moment called “death.” You must be willing to give up your attachment to all forms of violence in your life if you want to melt into harmony.

  Here are Lao-tzu’s suggestions, written through me, for embracing this fundamental teaching of the Tao Te Ching:

  Remember that violence violates the harmony of life and death.

  Make a decision to live harmoniously with the Tao by removing all associations that you have with violence. Stop supporting entertainment that promotes any type of it, for instance. Monitor your vocabulary to remind yourself to remove words that direct hatred 42nd Verse or killing toward any living creature. Explore avenues for resolving disputes peacefully, and get involved with organizations that discourage violence. Remember that the one fundamental principle of the Tao Te Ching is that if you take up savagery in any way, then you’re signing up for a savage end on this planet. And this includes your mental activity as well as behavior, so seek kind and forgiving thoughts in place of revenge and hatred. Change the way you look at life to seeing a picture that’s free of violence and melts into harmony as you live and die.

  Examine your attachments with the idea that you gain by losing and lose by gaining.

  Your attachments to objects, status, your culture, and even other people prevent you from being free in the Great Way of the Tao. The more stuff that accumulates, the more you have to watch it, insure it, worry about it, protect it, polish it, distribute it, and identify with it. In other words, you lose harmony while seeking to gain. Practice giving your possessions away and loosening your need for who and what you have. Imagine strings attached to everyone and everything that you feel you own; then symbolically cut those strings and be an observer rather than an owner. This is how you melt into harmony with the Tao.

  The poet Hafiz advises:

  Start seeing everything as God

  But keep it a secret.

  Do the Tao Now

  Think of one person who may have wronged you at some time in your life: someone who abandoned or mistreated you, someone who stole from or cheated you, someone who abused you or spread ugly rumors about you. Spend one day putting all thoughts of revenge aside, and instead feel forgiveness and love for that individual. Notice the difference in your body when you don’t have violent thoughts . . . this is the essential teaching of the Tao.

  43rd Verse

  The softest of all things

  overrides the hardest of all things.

  That without substance enters where there is no space.

  Hence I know the value of nonaction.

  Teaching without words,

  performing without actions—

  few in the world can grasp it—

  that is the master’s way.

  Rare indeed are those

  who obtain the bounty of this world.

  Living Softly

  The Tao Te Ching is full of parallels to nature, and in fact the pure essence of the teachings seems to be to help us become Tao-inspired sages through oneness with the environment. The opening lines of this 43rd verse remind me of the way of water, of its softness and ability to enter everywhere, even where there’s seemingly no space to do so. Water is used symbolically in many references to Taoism, such as in the title of the outstanding contemporary work by Alan Watts, Tao: The Watercourse Way. To live softly is to live the watercourse way.

  In this verse, Lao-tzu invites you to change the way you view hardness. To you, the concept is probably equated with strength. You may work out because the firmer your muscles, the tougher you think you are. Do you consider diamonds more valuable than a soft mineral, like volcanic ash, which crumbles in your hand? Perhaps you subscribe to the idea that doing a difficult task makes you a better person. Now imagine emulating water, this basic element that is the embodiment of nature (after all, it does comprise 75 percent of both the world’s surface and our physical makeup). Think about the way water courses, flowing to the lowest place, and how in order to experience it, you can’t just grab a handful. You must instead relax, lightly placing your fingers inside of it.

  Reflect upon how the gentle water compares to the solid stone and marble it’s capable of carving through. The soft water overrides hardness—deep valleys surrounded by mountains of granite have been carved away over the centuries by the patient, quiet, moving liquid. Imagine being able to enter where no space appears to be available, and to move slowly, speaking seldom and allowing yourself to be harmoniously intact as you seek a lower, less noisy and noticeable place . . . a place where all others desire to come to you. This is the watercourse way.

  There’s value in the nonaction of being able to flow like water, naturally and effortlessly. I can’t help but
think of this when I enter the ocean to swim for an hour or so. I want to go with the current rather than swim against it, so my first choice involves seeing which way the water is coursing. As I move through the sea, emulating its naturalness, I trust my instinct and swim without trying to direct my arms and legs in their strokes. I think of it as doing, but not interfering—that is, I’m allowing my body to propel itself through the water without my mind telling it how to move. As I’ve changed my thoughts about “hard” and “soft,” I don’t have to do anything but be in the water. I’ve chosen to make my daily swim a soft, silent experience that requires very little action on my part. And my swimming world has changed, becoming easy, joyful, and almost effortless. I’ve learned “the value of nonaction,” as Lao-tzu expresses it in this verse. It’s performing without action!

  Apply this way of seeing everything in your world: Tasks will be simplified, your performance level will increase, and the pressure to be better than others by using superior hardened strength will cease to be a factor. You’ll naturally incorporate the wisdom of peaceful harmony that’s found in the martial arts by letting the efforts of others become a source of your own power. Your softness will override the hardness of others.

  This principle is clearly seen when you look at great champions as they perform their chosen activities. The greatest golfers are effortless in their swing. The most successful ballplayers run, jump, throw, catch, and shoot with a softness that seems to stupefy most observers—they don’t use force, nor can they find words to describe how they do it. The most talented artists dance softly, without effort; paint quietly, without force; and write easily, without struggle, by allowing the words to come to them. As Lao-tzu reminds you, 43rd Verse these are rare beings who live the master’s way. These sages “obtain the bounty of this world,” which is available to you, too.

  As I contemplate Lao-tzu’s counsel, he urges me to offer you encouragement to apply the spirit of the watercourse way that’s found in this 43rd verse of the Tao Te Ching:

  Introduce a soft, nonaction style to your life.

  Practice the way of nonaction, or performing without effort. By letting go of your inner drive to push ahead, you’ll see that you ironically do better than when you tried so hard. In your work, become more tolerant in your drive to achieve by softening your attitude and behavior. You’ll see that customers and larger opportunities are attracted to you. Why is this true? Because you’re allowing the perfect flow of the Tao, like the great gray heron lets the tide recede in order to reveal the nourishment he needs to live. Notice how your life changes as you change the way you look at it.

  Practice performing without effort in other areas of your life, too. For example, some marathon runners say that they’ve learned to relax and stop pushing, letting their legs, arms, and torso simply be as their bodies begin experiencing extreme exhaustion with only a few miles to go. They report that when they shut down the mental interference and instructions, they magically cross that finish line. Soft always has its place, for it is the watercourse way . . . the way of the Tao.

  Encourage desires to freely flow in your imagination.

  Consider what you’ve wanted to have in this life as if it’s behind a locked door. Examine what you’ve been telling yourself about the prosperity, superb health, good luck, business success, or wonderful relationships you’ve craved—that no matter how hard you’ve tried, it’s all come to naught. Then imagine yourself flowing like water through the barrier of that locked room. Do it softly, gently, and silently in your mind. In other words, just spend some time getting used to practicing the watercourse way of the Tao.

  As you allow softness to be part of the picture of your life, the hard way will soften. Begin to exercise this kind of effortlessness in all areas of your desires. According to Ralph Waldo Emerson, “It is the condition of Inspiration—marry nature, don’t use her for pleasure.” I urge you to consider this kind of marriage.

  Do the Tao Now

  Have a day of silence. Don’t speak aloud to anyone; instead, just observe and see if you can be in a state of softness without telling yourself or anyone else what to do. Gently consider the powerful words of Herman Melville, who once said that God’s one and only voice is silence.

  44th Verse

  Which means more to you,

  you or your renown?

  Which brings more to you,

  you or what you own?

  I say what you gain

  is more trouble that what you lose.

  Love is the fruit of sacrifice.

  Wealth is the fruit of generosity.

  A contented man is never disappointed.

  He who knows when to stop is preserved from peril, only thus can you endure long.

  Living by Knowing

  When to Stop

  The 44th verse tells you that changing the way you prioritize your life ensures a fruitful one. I call it the “Enough is enough” section of the Tao Te Ching. When you update your view of the most important things in your life, the world around you is going to seem very different. Lao-tzu is urging you to look into your heart and examine what is truly important.

  Earlier verses of the Tao Te Ching counsel that the essential mission of your life is to go back to (or get to know) your originating Source before physical death. In other words, you don’t have to die to make the return trip! It’s not only possible, but essential, to feel your connection to the Tao while you’re still alive.

  Knowing when to stop is part of the path leading you to your essential self, where the need for fame and possessions is nonexistent. You see, it’s not the things or even a desire for recognition that keeps you from a living connection to the Tao—it’s your attachment to them that gets in the way. So shift the importance you’ve placed on success or belongings, which has obscured your connectedness to the Tao. Begin to note the senselessness of demanding more, exhausting yourself in pursuit of what keeps you trapped in a vicious cycle of “striving and never arriving” or trying to find fulfillment. This verse implores you to know when to stop.

  I’m sure that you can easily see people in your environment who spend their entire lives seeking more of everything—more possessions, money, recognition, awards, friends, places to go, substances, food—you name it. If you live with this same philosophy, you’ve signed up for a life of frustration and dissatisfaction because the search itself becomes your jailer. It’s easy to see then why Lao-tzu advises that what you gain is far more trouble than what you lose! When you prioritize your life, you’ll find that love and a feeling of abundance are not only what you desire, but these two principles are instantly available because you’ve changed the way you look at the world. From this new perspective, you’ll feel totally loved and wealthy in all ways.

  I realize that Lao-tzu is again speaking in what seem to be paradoxical words. But he’s coming to you from the perspective of having changed the way he looked at things, and noting that what he looked at changed. He now sees love and wealth everywhere—yet he knows intuitively that he can never possess them by chasing after them, since they’ll always remain just outside of his grasp. And so he looks at the Tao and sees that the Great Way keeps nothing for itself, is willing to let go of its life-giving essence, and is desirous to share with all. When you give of yourself, asking nothing in return and withdrawing your need for recognition, you’ll experience more contentment. The fruits of wealth and love are seen right there before you when you simply stop the chase.

  The beauty of the wisdom in this 44th verse is that you give away your attachment to things or ways of being, which is what I mean by knowing when to stop. If the chase is wearing out your health, stop! If the chase is wreaking havoc on your relationships, stop! If the chase is exhausting you, stop! If the chase is keeping you from enjoying your life, stop! When you know when to cease and desist, you’re protected from all of those perils, and you’ll enjoy a long and contented existence connecting with the Tao.

  The following is what Lao-tzu asks m
e to offer you as a means for implementing this teaching:

  Make your relationship to the Tao your top priority.

  Prioritize your life by making this the essential and foremost responsibility you have. Your primary relationship needs to be with yourself, not your family, business, country, culture, or ethnicity. Affirm: The number one priority in my life is my relationship with my Source of being. Go there first, before any other considerations, and you’ll automatically discontinue demanding more of anything else. You’ll begin to emulate the Tao effortlessly, living heaven on earth.

  Practice knowing when to stop.

  Alert yourself to recognizing when it’s a good time to stop demanding, chasing, talking, walking, working, sleeping, playing, shopping, complaining, striving, and so on. By practicing cessation, you’ll move into prioritizing what’s important in your life in that moment. Is your business doing well? Let it stop growing. Is your stomach full? Quit eating right now. Do you have enough money saved? Give some of it away, without taking deductions or asking for credit for your generosity. The more you’re attached to needing and wanting and possessing, the more you lose in your relationship to the Tao. But when you know the time to stop, you say good-bye to the troubles that accrue for those who sacrifice arriving for a lifetime of striving.

  Do the Tao Now

  Pick an area of your life to practice releasing an attachment by deciding when to stop. For example, plan to leave ten minutes before you think you’re done in the grocery store, or refrain from buying anything that’s not on your list. At work, restrain yourself from getting another cup of coffee or writing one more personal e-mail. In a relationship, don’t say anything else in a discussion that’s going nowhere. Those are all examples of attachment to being or doing.