by A. E. Murphy
I race home and lock the door behind me, my heart beating a heavy rhythm in my chest. I’m so paranoid. There is something seriously wrong with me!
It’s probably from being so secluded for so long. I’m not used to being out and about, especially at night. Nathan lives in the middle of nowhere and doesn’t have any friends, not including Lorna, a girl who used to come round for what I can only assume was sex. I’m not sure what exactly their relationship was, but something told me that Lorna wanted more than Nathan would offer.
I don’t think I’d be able to be somebody’s sex piece with no strings. Then again, I did give myself to a man I loved, so the thought of tainting that is abhorrent.
My mum isn’t back from work yet. She works in a bar in town, not a very nice one but a popular one. This means she probably won’t be back for a few more hours.
After a quick shower I climb into bed and pray that my little boy is okay. I miss him, a lot. I hope Nathan is coping. After twirling my ring between my thumb and forefinger, I carefully place it on the photo frame that holds Caleb’s smiling face on my bedside table. The sparkling diamond points at his face as the circular band rests in the corner. I don’t feel like it’s time to take it off, but keeping it on is clearly hazardous. I’d rather have it somewhere that I know it’s safe. I’d put it on a necklace but… it wouldn’t feel right after having Nathan’s jewellery around my neck for so long. Even though I don’t have it anymore, it still wouldn’t be right.
Besides, at least if it’s on here I can’t lose it.
This thought doesn’t comfort me. Why do I feel like a chapter of my life is closing? Why do I feel like I’m betraying him? It’s not that I don’t love him, because I do, but I need to get myself back together before I lose it, and I don’t mean my ring.
A few silent tears fall as I shut my eyes. Tomorrow will be a better day; it has to be.
CHAPTER THREE
Work begins and I have to admit, even though I miss Dillan it was nice not having to get up an hour earlier just to sort him out as well as myself. It’s busy, but then I expect it to be. It is Saturday after all.
We’ve created a lot of treats to place in the fridge up front, but clearly not enough, as people swarm in for coffee and snacks. By one we’ve run out and my feet are killing me. I have yet to have a break. I don’t know how Valentine does it; she’s a lot older, yet doesn’t seem fazed at all.
The bell chimes, signifying the entrance of another customer. I’m shocked when I hear a familiar baby squawk.
“That’s Dillan.” I say to Valentine, who is covered in flour from head to toe. I’m very much the same, but I also have strawberry jam splatter marks across my midriff.
“There’s a man up front asking for you.” Tiffany calls through the kitchen doorway.
I hastily wash my hands and rip off my apron before darting into the front. Nathan stands by the counter, looking at the cakes on display, a car seat in one hand and his phone in the other. Yep, he’s wearing his gloves.
“Hi.” I blink, shocked to see him. “I thought you were coming back tonight.”
“Ran out of milk.” He responds, placing Dillan’s car seat on a nearby table. “He’s hungry.”
Well that doesn’t make sense. “How did you run out? I made enough to last you until tomorrow morning.”
“I had an accident with the last three bottles.” Nathan pulls a new box of glass bottles from the changing bag, which is hanging from one shoulder. “I replaced them.”
“Oh.” Ducking under the counter, I make my way towards them, wishing I could pick up my son but refraining due to my current state. “I…” I motion to my clothes, trying to avoid eye contact. “Can’t really pick him up right now.”
Nathan frowns, clearly not happy at the current predicament. “Well what do you expect me to do?”
“I have some milk at home in the freezer. I’ve been expressing the past few days.”
He checks his watch. “I have to leave soon.”
“And I have to work.” I hiss, my eyes narrowing on him. “Mum has gone out thinking she wouldn’t be having Dillan today. Besides, you weren’t supposed to bring him back until later. It’s not fair that you’re messing us around like this.” He opens his mouth to argue but I cut him off. “No, you wanted this responsibility. You can’t just drop everything because you feel like it.”
He runs his tongue over his lower lip and I’m shocked at how much I’ve missed this small quirk of his. “Fine. Give me your keys.”
“Everything okay?” Valentine asks as I enter the kitchen and walk over to where my bag rests in the closet.
“Fine. Just a Dillan issue. It’s sorted.” Got them! “I’ll be back in a moment.” Nathan looks around impatiently, one hand rocking the car seat whilst the other taps his hip. “Here.”
“When will you be finished?”
“Not until six.” I respond, but Valentine quickly calls out.
“Seven!”
“Right, we have an order to do for a private party.” Darn. “I’ll call my mum.”
Nathan lets out a long sigh, picks up Dillan after pocketing my keys and heads to the door.
“It’s nice to see you.” I blurt, causing him to stop for a second. “Thank you for having him.”
He dips his head, only a small noncommittal acknowledgement of my words. I watch him walk away, wishing things were different; I hate this gap between us.
“Well he seemed nice,” Valentine remarks sarcastically.
“He is, he’s just… he’s just Nathan.” Now… where was I?
Arriving home is nerve wrecking. I’m wondering whether Nathan will be here or if Mum is back and has taken over Dillan duty. When I see his car in the driveway I don’t know whether to be relieved or not.
“Hey.” I call as I walk inside and peel my coat from my torso.
“I have to go.” Nathan states, immediately brushing past me. What the hell?
I grab his arm and tug him back to me, a frown of confusion showing the reality of my feelings. “What’s wrong?”
“I’ve put Dillan to bed.” He says, without looking at me. With a sharp tug, his arm is free of my grasp.
“Seriously?” I scoff and chase after him, stopping as he pulls open his car door. I push against it, placing my body between him and the vehicle. “Is this how it’s going to be?” His eyes stare at a spot over my shoulder and I want to huff in frustration. “Please Nathan. Stop shutting me out.”
I notice his eyes soften for a brief second, but it’s gone as quick as it came. “Move, Guinevere.”
“Umm… no, I don’t think I will.” My look is defiant as I cross my arms over my chest and raise my chin a little. “Not until we’ve… hey!” His hands grip my arms and quickly pull me away. I’m backed into the window beside the open, front door of my house and memories of the night he raised his fist in anger flood through me, causing me to shy away. He either doesn’t notice my sudden flash of fear or he doesn’t care.
The heat from his body seeps into my chilled bones. I shiver a little as he steps closer, only an inch separating us. “I’m pretty sure I told you a few things before you left.”
I nod, remembering his words clearly, not to mention the way he said them. So sincerely, so cruelly, so angrily.
“You’re dead to me.”
“Then why do you insist on still conversing with me when I clearly don’t want your attention?” He sounds so formal, so well-spoken and above me, a lot like he sounded when we first met. “I’ll be there for Dillan, but just…” A brief flash of pain swims in his almost chocolate coloured eyes. “Stay away from me.”
I should stop, but I don’t. “I don’t understand. I won’t mention what I saw.” Please, just give me a chance to show you how sorry I am for all that happened to you and for not being able to squelch my curiosity. “I don’t feel any different about you because of what I saw. Please, Nathan.”
“I’m leaving. I’ll call you again in a few weeks.” He snaps, ru
nning a hand through his longish hair.
“Maybe I’ll refuse to answer.” I say this petulantly. I’d never stop him from seeing Dillan but if I have to insinuate that I would, to get our friendship back, then that’s what I’ll do.
His entire body tenses, his face freezing as if zapped by an electric current. “Then I’ll knock on your door and insist that you allow me access to my… nephew.” What was that pause all about? Was he going to say something else?
“And if I refuse? I don’t think it’s nice for him to be around you when you so clearly hate me.” This is only slightly true. Nathan loves Dillan; I know he’d never do anything to hurt him, emotionally or physically. “How’s that?”
“How’s that?” He laughs in disbelief. “How’s this?” Suddenly his face is inches from mine. “Dillan is the only decent family I have left. He’s the only link I have to Caleb. If you even think about taking him from me, I will take you to court and trust me when I say…” The tip of his nose brushes the side of mine; his hands lie flat against the wall causing his arms to cage me in. Gulp. “I’ll make it impossible for you to win.”
My mouth drops open, shock freezing my mind. I wasn’t expecting that. “But… you’re… I.”
“Have a good evening, Guinevere,” he hisses and leans back slightly so his eyes can glare into mine. “I’ll see you in two weeks.”
“But you said three.” I breathe, not trusting my voice to hold my emotions in check.
A sneer curves his lips and he narrows his eyes. I lean further back away from him so my head is against the wall. “Yes, well, clearly I’ve changed my mind.” He spins away from me and storms to his car. I clutch my chest with one hand, willing this pain to stop but knowing that it won’t.
I should never have used Dillan as a weapon and that’s exactly what I just did. I’m just… desperate. Now I’m not so sure what I am. After all that he just said, I’m not entirely sure I want to fix our relationship. Why do I feel like my heart is breaking? Do I…? No. I won’t even entertain the thought, especially when it comes to a four letter word that begins with L and ends with E.
With trembling hands I shut the door behind me. On legs of jelly, I make my way to the shower whilst Dillan still sleeps. I’m disgusting, and I’m not just talking about my flour covered body, I’m talking about my ability to threaten a man with taking away the only decent person he has in this world: my son.
*****
“You look sad.” My mum states as I cradle Dillan to my chest and rock backwards and forwards in his nursery on the rocking chair.
“I’m fine.” I lie and kiss Dillan’s sweet head, making him grumble and mewl slightly before settling once more. “Sasha can’t come tonight; she’s got a project due.”
“Tommy?”
I shrug. “I haven’t heard from him since he visited last.”
“Nathan?”
Ah, well, therein lies the problem. “Nathan’s being… difficult.”
“That’s not fair on you.”
“Yep,” I agree, but don’t delve further into the reasons behind my agreement. Nathan is an arsehole. The end. “I should go; I’m going to be late.”
She takes my son and strokes the back of my neck lovingly. “I’m sure he’ll come around.”
Somehow I don’t think he will. “Thanks Mum.”
“Go on, get to work.”
But I’m so tired. I spent all night tossing and turning, trying to figure out what to do next. Should I give up on Nathan or keep trying? Maybe I should just give him time. He obviously doesn’t want to see me right now. Maybe he’ll come around, or maybe I don’t want him to.
Do I need to speak to a solicitor?
I’m not sure what I’m doing.
Gah! This is why I couldn’t sleep. I need to stop obsessing over this. I’m in a good place right now. Nathan can wallow for the moment; I need to focus on my own life. “Kay.”
Work is slow, not because of a lack of customers, oh no, there are plenty of those. It’s just slow because I’m exhausted and troubled.
I miss Caleb so much. What would he do after I’d had a bad day at work? I can hardly remember. Maybe he’d cuddle me and kiss me, making it all better. Or maybe he’d rub my shoulders and kiss my neck before making love to me in an attempt to make me forget.
It seems like a life time has passed since he died. In reality it has only been seven months. I can barely recall the way he smelled, or the sound of his laugh, or the feel of his soft lips on mine.
The entire situation still angers me. I feel like I have nowhere safe to sit and weep any longer. Not because of a lack of a home, I have one of those, but because I’m scared that if I shed even the smallest tear, the floodgates will open and I’ll spiral into that darkness once more. Nothing, nowhere and nobody can stop my descent into that pit of despair. I just need to keep moving forward.
I wonder what life would be like if I didn’t have Dillan, if Caleb hadn’t left me pregnant. Would I be happier, or would I be a mess due to having no anchor in my life? Dillan is my anchor and he makes me happier than I think I’ve ever felt, but I still can’t help but wonder.
Although Nathan never would have taken me in if I hadn’t been pregnant. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
“I think that dough is done.” Valentine comments, pulling me from my thoughts.
She’s right; it was probably done about five minutes ago. I may have rolled it a little too much; it looks like a thin sheet of dough coloured paper, albeit a wonky one. Oops.
Tiffany pops her small head around the door. “Hot guy, up front. He’s back for his something special.”
Gulp. “Did he specifically ask for me?”
“Yes.” And she’s gone.
Oh crap. Well, at least I’m not covered in flour and other ingredients now, not like the last time.
“I’ll be back.” I say to Valentine and hastily hang my apron on the back of the door with the others.
Oh god. There he is. “Hi.” I go for chirpy, but it sounds awkward and a little bit pained. “Eric, right?”
“Guinevere, right?” He gives me a wink and leans over the counter slightly. His crooked smile is very handsome, very charming. I bet the ladies love him.
Elle sighs beside me and my thoughts are confirmed. Yep. The ladies love him.
“I’m back for that something special.” He states mischievously, his eyes twinkling. How old is he anyway? He can’t be older than twenty six.
“Sure.” I chew on my lip, staring directly into his eyes, trying to implore him to order baked goods only. Why do I get the feeling that I’m also on that menu? “What is it you…” Don’t say fancy! “Fancy?” God damn my stupid mouth!
His smile widens, ugh, those dimples… need I say more? “Well, seeing as somebody could have choked to death and died,” my mouth drops open in horror at his words, “or broken a tooth, I figure you owe me big. Real big. Too big.”
Oh crap. “That’s a lot of ‘ifs’.”
“It is.” His hazel eyes flick to my hand. “Where’s your ring?”
“At home.” I rub my naked finger absentmindedly, willing the conversation to move on.
“With your… fiancé?”
My eyes widen. What do I say? “I’m… umm… not engaged.”
Now he looks perplexed. “Oh. Family heirloom?”
“Something like that.” Nervously tucking my hair behind my ears, I glance around at the empty tables, praying for something really funny to happen to distract him so I can scuttle away. Or something really bad. Maybe I can make somebody start a fight.
“So, your ring is at home with…”
I frown. “Why do you want to know who I live with?”
He lets out a laugh. “Actually I was trying to find out if you’re single.”
“She is!” Elle shouts from the kitchen. I just got very lightheaded.
“Brilliant.” Eric grins and laces his fingers together on the counter before him. “So, I’ll pick you up at eight?�
�
“I…”
“Eight it is.” He responds. I open my mouth to speak, but he cuts me off. “Or seven, is seven better for you?”
“No…”
“She finishes at six!” Elle shouts and I make a mental note to kick her bony arse later.
“You have customers Elle!” I shout back through gritted teeth and turn back to Eric. “I can’t, I have to…” Where’s he gone? What the hell? I see him climbing into a silver car that’s parked outside the store window.
“He ran when you turned.” Elle explains unnecessarily when I stare dumbfounded at the doorway.
Grumbling profanities to myself, I stomp into the kitchen, my face flamed red and my irritation in the danger zone.
“You’ll thank me later.” Elle calls, not caring that the three customers who were waiting to be served no doubt know that I’m going on a date later.
Oh my god! I’m going on a date later!
“Are you okay?” Valentine asks, clearly sensing my mood.
No I’m not. “Fine.”
For somebody who doesn’t want to go on a date, I certainly took extra care keeping myself ingredient free. It’s now five fifty three and I’m as nervous as Santa in a whorehouse.
Stop fidgeting. Stop shaking. Stop… just stop everything.
I can handle that.
The bell above the door chimes and in walks Eric, looking gorgeous in dark blue jeans and a white shirt. “Hi.” He looks slightly nervous, almost as nervous as me. I kind of feel bad for the guy now. “Are you ready?”
“You insisted on picking me up from work.” I look down at my almost ingredient free clothing. “So nope, I’m not ready.”
Ducking under the counter, I gulp when he steps towards me and offers his hand. I don’t know why but I take it and allow him to pull me closer. He bends forward and plants his soft lips against my cheek, inhaling at the same time. “You smell like cookies.”
“You sniffed me?” I remark, not sure whether to freak out or swoon.
