by A. E. Murphy
“You work in a bakery. My first though was ‘I bet she smells just like one’.”
Blink. “What an odd first thought to have.” Or is it? I’m uncertain how the male mind works.
He laughs silently and pulls me out of the store. “So, my full name is Eric Smith. I’ll be your date for the evening.”
Huh, he doesn’t open my car door for me. I’m not sure if I like that. Or maybe I’m used to a custom that only exists in the Weston males. That’s okay though, because I’m not getting in the car or going on a date.
“Problem?” He asks, still smiling.
I nod and decide to blurt it out. “I have to get home to my son.”
“Your son?” At first I can see that he thinks I’m joking, but when he takes in my serious expression he looks mostly shocked. “Oh.”
“Yeah, he’s eleven weeks old and my mum is looking after him while I work. I’m living with her until I can afford my own place.”
He just gawps at me, rather rudely I might add. “Eleven weeks old? Where’s his dad?”
I should just tell him. I probably won’t see him again. It’s for the best. “His dad died when I was four months pregnant, in bed beside me.” Now he looks even more stumped. I point back to the store. “They don’t know that. I tried to tell you earlier but… well you kind of ran off.”
He remains silent for a moment, “Ah. So I’m guessing that’s who the ring is from?” Don’t cry, don’t speak, only nod. “I’m really sorry for your loss.” He says softly, resting his arms on the roof of the car that still separates us. “Can I give you a ride home?”
Shaking my head, I take a step back. “No, that’s okay. I only live around the corner. I’m really sorry for messing you around.”
“You didn’t.” His smile is reassuring. “It’s my fault for getting ahead of myself. I knew you’d say no; I just never put much thought into why.”
“Sorry Eric, and thanks again for bringing my ring back.”
“Please let me give you a lift? My guilt is gnawing at my insides.” He tilts his head and smiles again. This time it’s a real one, an easy one.
Should I? “Maybe next time.” I duck my head and turn away.
“Good night, Guinevere.” He calls. I wave at him without looking back and pick up the pace.
The first thing I do when I get home is pick up Dillan and lie in bed with him on my chest. I need my anchor right now. I need him bad.
His wrinkly forehead bobs up and down as he raises his head off my chest and looks at me with familiar eyes. I smile at his open mouthed smile and kiss his tiny nose, speckled in little white milk spots. “I love you baby Weston. Never forget.”
The week goes by and I don’t hear from Nathan, nor do I hear from Eric. This is good. It allows my mind a break from endless unnecessary thoughts.
Dillan is such a smiley baby. I love it, especially when I wake up in the morning and he’s looking at me through the gaps of his cot, smiling at the fact I’m awake and ready to feed him.
I wonder vaguely if Nathan was as happy as Caleb and Dillan before his grandfather destroyed him. Unwillingly, my memory conjures the images that I was exposed to when watching the home movie. I remember Nathan before his grandfather did what he did. He was happy, excited even.
That poor boy.
Poor Nathan. I just want to hold him and cry for him, but I know he won’t appreciate that.
“You still haven’t told us how your date went. I’ve been waiting and waiting.” Elle smirks and pops a chocolate ball into her mouth. “Oh my god. Heaven in ball form.”
Rolling my eyes good naturedly, I help her place the fancy trays full of treats into the display fridge. “I didn’t go on a date.”
“But I thought…”
I wave her off. “Don’t think about it. It’s not a big deal. I’m just not in that ‘dating mood’ right now.” Whatever the hell that is.
“There is something seriously wrong with you if you can’t get in the dating mood for a guy like that.” If only she knew. “That boy is tastier than your Sunday cookies.”
“Liar.” I snigger and close the display. “If you like him so much, why don’t you date him?”
“Babe, I’m almost thirty five and I have a partner who I love dearly.” She winks at me with a smile. “This is why I need to live vicariously through you.” Clasping her hands under her chin, she pouts dramatically. “Please, oh please, please, please date him and tell me all of the details.”
“You’re shameless.” I laugh and smack her on the arm. “Move it. I have cookies that are going to burn if you don’t.”
“Can’t let her burn our precious cookies.” Tiffany interjects, as if the thought is worse than the world ending, and pulls a still begging Elle out of the way.
I brush past them, still smiling, and get back on with my work. Things are starting to look up.
When I get home I’m in the mood to clean and organise, even though I’m exhausted. Dillan is happy on my bed nearby. I’ve placed padding around him to stop him rolling off the large mattress, but I have one eye on him at all times anyway. I’m never more than a foot away. My room isn’t big enough to allow me much distance.
He kicks obliviously at the toy by his feet. Every time his foot connects, the part that hangs above his torso lights up. I don’t think he realises he is the cause of the flashing lights and jingling music, but it certainly gets him excited.
“I have to leave soon.” Mum calls as she barrels up the stairs and into my room. “Christ.” she lets out a pant and clutches her side. “I’m getting too old for that.”
“You’re like forty; get a grip.” I remark and pull out a pile of junk that has been kicked under my bed. Mostly it has been kicked there on purpose. Ever since I started this new job I’ve been too exhausted to clean and my mum has been dealing with the rest of the house.
“Sasha stopped by an hour before you got home. She said she’s sorry she hasn’t called and dropped off your jacket. It’s downstairs in the hall. You left it in her car when she picked you up from Nathan’s.”
“Thanks.” I glance at my son again, ensuring his safety, before returning to the task at hand. “Have a good night at work.”
“Kisses.” She crawls onto my bed and kisses Dillan’s open mouth. “I love you, my sweet boy.” With a pat on my head, she leaves me to my chores.
Dillan coos and gurgles. “Shut it you.” I say in a soft, gentle and happy tone; it only causes him to make more noises.
Once my room is done, I hold my son in one arm and descend the stairs. I’m definitely exhausted now, even though the night is young. It can’t be later than six.
I text Sasha and thank her for bringing my jacket. I’d completely forgotten about that.
Sasha: No problem girly xxx I’ll call you tomorrow. Xxx
She doesn’t call and Tommy rarely responds to my texts. Another week goes by and I’m finally wondering whether I had real friends at all. I get that I have a kid now but, after everything we’ve been through, you’d think they’d at least invite me places. This isn’t the case. I took Dillan for a walk the other day and decided to stop in at the old café where I worked. Sasha entered not long after me with a group of university friends that I don’t recognize. She came over and said hello, with promises to call.
More promises broken.
I leaned down to my son and made him one promise that I would definitely keep. “Me and you against the world. I promise to never abandon you.”
CHAPTER FOUR
My phone rings. It’s not even seven in the morning. Nathan. Ugh, what does he want? It’s too early to argue. “Hello?”
“Get Dillan ready. I’ll be there in two hours.” And the line goes dead.
Are you fucking kidding me? No. Dillan had me up half of the night. I’m sleeping and I’m going to remain this way until he wakes me up again. Screw you and your orders.
Besides, my eyes won’t stay open long enough for me to get out of bed.
I let out a startled choke when the blanket is pulled from my body, disturbing me from my pleasant dreams that I no longer remember. “What the hell?” I blink away my blurred vision and glare at a scowling Nathan. He’s looming over me in a way that tells me he probably wants to throttle me right now. “I could have been naked.” I practically am, in only a top and knickers.
“I called you two hours ago, only to find you still sleeping?” He scoffs and walks over to the cot where Dillan is now awake and crying, probably from my sudden screech of fear.
“I don’t remember a call.” I lie and sit up. My hands immediately begin rubbing my eyes. Wait… “How did you get in?”
“I knocked; your mum answered.”
“And she just let you in?” I frown, not believing that for a second.
“When I explained to her it was my weekend to have Dillan, yes, she did. I saved her the trouble of waking you herself.”
“Oh. It’s nine in the morning. Why are you wearing a suit?” Not that he doesn’t look good. He really does.
“Could you get up and pack his things? I’ll bring him back on Monday.”
“I never agreed to the length of time, or you even picking him up.” I stand, not feeling modest in the slightest. “I’m going to have a shower.”
“I have places I need to be.” He snaps and my anger at his tone peaks.
“Then you shouldn’t be taking Dillan!”
“I’ll get him ready myself.”
“You do that.” I say around a yawn and pull open the door. “I’ll be about fifteen minutes. I want to say goodbye before he leaves.”
His jaw clenches but he remains silent, which I’m eternally grateful for.
I take my time showering, just to be awkward. I also take my time getting dressed and drying my hair, again… just to be awkward.
“Today would be nice, Guinevere!” Nathan calls up the stairs, making me snigger. Why am I pushing him?
After making him wait another ten minutes, I finally make my way downstairs. He’s sitting on the couch with Dillan on his chest, looking casual and content. Well, as casual as one can look in an expensive suit. “Sorry it took me so long.” No I’m not. Not in the slightest.
Nathan lifts Dillan up and over his face, making him smile and gurgle. “She’s not is she? Not at all. She’s silently laughing at me.” His voice is high and happy. I love it when he speaks to Dillan like this. “Mummy is mean, yes she is.” Uh-oh.
“Puke face.” I say with a wince, but it’s too late. A splat of white, lumpy baby vomit leaves my son’s mouth and lands directly beneath Nathan’s chin. I get ready for the dramatics and grab baby wipes from the side. “Here.” I hastily make work of removing the vomit from his neck. Fortunately he doesn’t seem too fussed, but lets me clean him anyway. I use this moment of peace between us to bring up our last meeting. It didn’t end so well and I behaved appallingly. “I’m sorry for what I said.” What a ridiculous way to apologise. His eyes meet mine. It fuels my courage and calms me slightly, enabling me to continue. “I should never have used him as a weapon like that. I’m ashamed of myself.”
“You reacted to a… difficult situation.” He responds, his eyes softening on me.
“That’s not an excuse.”
“No.” He disagrees, smiling once more at Dillan. “It is an excuse, not a great one, but a forgivable one.” I sag slightly with relief. He forgives me and that actually feels pretty good. “He urinated all over my front the last time I had him.” Nathan shudders slightly at the memory. Typical Nathan to want to move on from our emotional moment, although I’m glad he doesn’t linger or hold grudges for too long. “He thought it was funny.”
Good boy. I mean… “Sorry.”
Nathan waves me off and tilts his head to the side as I pull his collar open and wipe at the spillage that has seeped beneath. “Here, take him. I need to change my shirt.”
Okay, so maybe he is freaking out a little. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to have a stain near his collar for his drive home.
“Kay.” I grab Dillan, making sure to keep him at an angle just in case he needs to puke again.
“Did you have any plans for the evening?” Nathan asks as he walks back in, his white shirt gone. In its place is a baby blue one that looks amazing against his skin tone.
“No.” I say with a shake of my head, willing myself to look away. He takes Dillan back and sits down. I’m shocked, as I can see the nappy bag is fully packed to its limit so he really has no reason to linger. Nathan doesn’t like lingering. I’m glad he is.
“You went out.” He prompts, his brows raised.
“Yeah, it wasn’t as fun as I’d hoped it would be.”
“Why?”
Sigh. “It just wasn’t. I’m not used to being in crowds, supermarket not included.”
He licks his lower lip, his eyes scanning my face. “Are you dating?”
What? “Come again?”
“Are you dating?” He frowns like I’m the stupid one here.
“Is that a serious question?” I laugh in disbelief. “It’s been seven months.” Nearly eight, but let’s not split hairs.
“That’s plenty of time for you to start getting your life back.” I’ll never get my life back. Caleb died, remember? “You’re a stunning girl.” Girl? “I find it shocking that you haven’t been asked…although you’re hardly warm towards people that aren’t already your friends or family.” What a hypocrite!
“I have.” I blurt, feeling slightly defensive. “Someone has asked me actually.”
His face falls. “Who?”
“A very nice man named Eric.” Why am I telling him this? “Very good looking too.”
His eyes burn with an intensity I can’t place. What is he thinking? “Are you going on a date with him?”
My shoulders sag. “No. I said no.”
“Huh.” His hand runs through his hair and I notice his gloves are gone. Was he wearing them when he came in? I can’t recall.
Well, this silence is awkward. “What about you? Are you dating?”
“I don’t date, Guinevere.” He sighs with a roll of his eyes.
“Why?” Ha, I certainly spun this back on you!
“I think you know.” He lowers his eyes and my breath hitches at the amount of shame I saw in them before they looked to the ground. After placing Dillan in the car seat and buckling him in, he finally breaks the silence. “I should go.”
I stand quicker than him and grab his hand without thinking. It was meant to be a consoling gesture. What the hell have I done? I wait for the explosion. I even shut my eyes and turn my face away. I try to pull my hand back, but his closes over it; very slowly I feel his fingers lace through mine and my breath hitches. We both stare at our entwined fingers and touching palms. Nathan slowly brings it up, gulping as he does, before placing the top of my hand to his lips and holding it there for a moment.
A bolt of electricity travels down my arms and crashes into my stomach. I feel weak. He’s kissing my hand, but he may as well be kissing somewhere else for all of the feeling it gives me.
My mouth goes dry when his eyes come to mine and he slowly lowers my hand back to my side. “Have a good weekend, Guinevere.” Picking up the car seat, he slings the bag over his other shoulder and gently cups my cheek with the hand that held mine not moments ago. “You should date; you’re young. Don’t let my brother or Dillan stop you from having the fun you need. You’ll end up resenting the both of them.”
As his words mull through my fogged brain, I watch them both leave and wonder vaguely if that’s the reason he’s started having Dillan. If so, why does he even care? Especially after his reaction the last time. He didn’t sound happy when I told him I was out.
Maybe he feels guilty because his brother should be here and isn’t. In my opinion, he feels way too much guilt over things that aren’t his fault. Is it wrong that I want to relieve him of it? Is it wrong that I want to share his pain so he doesn’t have to carry it all?
I
wonder what Caleb thinks of me now, but then I shut that thought off because Caleb isn’t here and Nathan is. He’s my friend and he needs me, even if he doesn’t realise it yet. I just hope my body recognises that and doesn’t keep crossing lines that should be walls of titanium. Nathan is Caleb’s brother. I have to stop my body responding the way it does to him. It’s not right or fair, to Caleb or Dillan.
Maybe that’s the whole point. Maybe it’s because he looks like Caleb and is a part of Caleb. Could this be the reason I seem to react the way I do? Either way, it has to stop.
Part of me is hoping that Eric comes in for that something special, although a guy like him clearly doesn’t need my baggage. It’d be a good idea to hang around with another male for a while. I’m probably just horny, though the thought of having sex with anyone else makes me feel slightly ill.
I can’t do it, I just can’t; but I’m going to do it eventually.
Only when I’m ready and right now I’m definitely not ready.
My phone beeps. I pick it up and frown at the unrecognised number on my screen. It’s Nathan.
Nathan: Don’t get drunk. N.
My mouth falls open. He just text ordered me. How dare he?
He always dares. I’m unsure why he thinks he has free reign to do as he pleases, especially when it comes to my life.
Well, at least I finally have his number.
Gwen: Not that it’s any of your business, which it isn’t in case you were wondering, but I don’t plan on it. In fact I have no plans, seeing as my friends are too busy for me and my mum is working. Unless you plan on personally surprising me with a bottle of vodka and a night of dancing, which you probably aren’t, then don’t worry. No alcohol will be consumed during your time with Dillan.
Take that!
Nathan: Good.
“Oh!” I cry and throw my phone on the couch. God, he infuriates me like no other.
Good? What kind of a response is that?
