Connected

by A. E. Murphy

  Nathan: Me too.

  Does this mean we’re okay now? What does this mean? This is good I think. We’re talking again. I feel like dancing a little, but I won’t; mostly because I’m still angry at his attitude towards me and the fact that he showed up without warning and took my son.

  But maybe he’ll start letting me in and he’ll let me help him. I won’t let him go through this alone anymore. I can only imagine what being in his mind is like with all of those memories, such terrible memories. He deserves to be understood. I want to try.

  Poor Nathan. That poor, poor boy. That poor, poor man.

  My mum finally decides on dark blue skinny jeans and a white vest with a long grey wool cardigan over it. I pull on my boots and wait nervously in the hall. I’ve been telling myself this isn’t a date, but I’m not stupid; of course it is. It’s just not a ‘date-date’. It’s less date like, if that makes sense, because it’s not dinner by candlelight or whatever dates are supposed to be. I’m useless at all of this.

  “I’m really nervous.” I twist my hands together before me, my teeth worrying my lip.

  “Too late, he’s here. My, my. He is yummy.”

  “Get away from the window.” I screech and pull her laughing form away. “Stop it.”

  “He saw me.”

  Can I shake her? I feel like shaking her.

  There’s a knock at the door. I shove my mother towards the living room and take a deep breath before opening it. “Hey.” I sound breathless, probably because I am, but it’s not from exertion or because he looks handsome. For some reason it’s from the huge fist of guilt that just nailed me in the stomach. Seconds ago I was giddy and excited and now I just feel… meh. There’s no explanation for how I feel now. Only pain.

  I ignore it, push it way deep down, and smile brightly at the very handsome man before me. He looks great in a polo shirt and… shorts? Football trainers? What the hell am I being dragged to?

  “Let’s go.”

  “You have knee high socks on.” I state, looking at the thick blue fabric.

  “Aye.” he chuckles, throwing his arm around my shoulders. “You look gorgeous.”

  Blush. I need a blood filter to my cheeks; I’m so tired of turning red. “So, I’m guessing the obvious here. You’re going to force me to watch football aren’t you?”

  He grins wickedly, showing a slightly crooked smile that lifts higher on one side than the other. It’s very pretty. “Get in the car and then I’ll tell you.”

  “So I can’t run? That hardly seems fair.” I joke and do as I’m told.

  Yet again he doesn’t open the door, but I’m prepared for it this time. Clearly I’ve been spoilt by two men who were raised as gentlemen. It’s funny because whenever Nathan didn’t open the door for me, I knew he was angry. Sometimes, even when he was angry, he still opened it, almost as if his burned in the brain manners got the better of him. Caleb was the same, but we never fought; I can only remember two arguments in our entire relationship. Sure we had minor disagreements, but eventually I usually got him to see things my way.

  My mum is right. He was perfect. Too perfect. Suddenly things in my mind seem to be slightly clearer. My rose tinted glasses have a tiny hole in them and certain things are coming back to mind.

  “I want to marry you on Wednesday.”

  I don’t remember this. I don’t remember Caleb saying this. I remember him being ill, but the days before his death are just… a blur. So why am I hearing his voice now? The urgency in it… it’s very surreal.

  “Hey, are you alright?”

  What? I blink back to reality. “Sorry. I lost myself for a moment there.”

  He lets out a laugh. “I said your name six times.”

  “Sorry.” I give him an apologetic smile and look towards him. “So, what’s with the footie gear?”

  “I’m taking you to meet a few of my friends. There will be terrible food and lukewarm drinks and probably ants in the grass, but you get to watch two five-a-side teams laying into each other.”

  “Ah, well that makes it so worth it then.”

  “Exactly.” He smiles, his eyes twinkling. “I thought you’d be more comfortable in a group setting.”

  It’s a thoughtful gesture, but the wrong one. I’m shy, does he not realise this? I’ll be sat there awkwardly with whoever is present, twiddling my thumbs and mumbling incoherent answers to whatever is asked of me.

  “Sounds great.” I lie. I’m nervous as hell.

  “You do eat meat, right?”

  “Yes.”

  He lets out a breath. “Good.”

  “I wish I’d known there would be food. I would have brought some cakes or something.” I mumble, my finger twisting a lock of my wavy hair around the tip.

  He shrugs. “Never thought of that. Maybe I should have prepared you. The guys would really go for cakes.” He gives me a kind smile. “Next time, eh?”

  “Sure.” Did I just agree to another time before I’ve even managed to get through the first?

  ******

  “You’re bad luck.” He jokes, wiping the sweat from his forehead with a damp towel that rests across his lap. “Oh my god, everything hurts.”

  I roll my eyes. “If you spent more time on your feet then you wouldn’t have been trampled on.”

  “I slipped.”

  My left brow hits my hairline. “Six times?”

  “It’s called a sliding tackle.”

  “No.” I laugh and open the door after we pull up in the driveway. “It’s called falling and trying to make it look like a sliding tackle.”

  “Whatever, you’re just jealous of my wicked moves.” This makes me laugh even harder.

  Overall he and his team were actually very good, they certainly didn’t lack passion. I barely got to meet his four male friends as I was quickly scooted to the side and placed with their fan girls, who were actually very friendly and in no way overbearing; I even knew one of them from my college days. Not personally though, we never spoke but we took the same English class from what I can remember.

  It was fun and I’m glad I went. The food was in fact a few of those portable barbecue trays and a hell of a lot of sausages and burgers. It was as terrible as expected, but it didn’t matter. I felt included in something normal, something fun and exciting. After five minutes in I was cheering Eric and his team on along with the rest of the women.

  “So, how was our fake date?” He asks, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

  I nod slowly. “It was actually really good. Thank you for taking me.”

  He steps around his car and pops open the boot. I hear the rustling of a plastic bag before one finally comes into view. “Popcorn and a movie?”

  “Umm…”

  “Awesome, take these; I’ll be back in an hour.” He gives me a wink, climbs into his car and leaves my stupefied arse in the driveway.

  Opening the bag I see the DVDs, all newer titles, and a bag of sweet popcorn. How do I feel about this?

  “Did you have fun?” Mum asks as I walk through the door, bag in hand.

  “It was pretty good to be honest.”

  “What’s in the bag?”

  “He wants to come back in about an hour.” I throw my coat on the hanger and sigh when it drops to the ground, forcing me to pick it up again. “There are too many jackets on here.” I grumble and grab my other dark jacket, slinging it over my shoulder before sorting through the rest. “I’ll take these upstairs.”

  As I’m throwing my pile of coats and cardigans on the bed, I hear a clatter on the ground and blink in shock at the sight of the plain black DVD case. It’s familiar and the mere sight of it makes me break out in a sweat. Grabbing it from the ground I look for a place to hide it. The implications of me holding onto such a vile recording could be dire, but I can’t bring myself to get rid of it.

  Using sticky tape, I stick it to the underside of my desk. I’ll figure out what I’m going to do with it later.

  The title glares at me and stick
s in my mind. ‘He Knows’. Who knows? And what do they know?

  After giving the house a quick clean and changing into comfier clothing, there’s finally a knock at the door. I answer it with nervous jitters and my smile instantly falls.

  “Nathan?” I blink in shock. “What are you doing here? Is Dillan okay?”

  He shifts on the spot and licks his lower lip. His silence doesn’t reassure me and my panic rises. He sees this and holds up his gloved hands. “He’s fine, I was just…”

  “Hey!” Oh god no, this isn’t happening. “I’ve parked on the front. Don’t worry man, I didn’t block your car in.” This really can’t be happening. Gulp.

  Nathan’s eyes open as he looks from me to Eric and then back again.

  “Eric.” I say and Nathan’s eyes narrow on the male. “This is my brother in law, Nathan. Nathan, this is Eric.”

  “Her not real date.” Eric jokes, but it’s lost on us. “It’s nice to meet you. Gwen has mentioned you.”

  Nathan stares at Eric’s outstretched hand. I step forward and grab it, pulling Eric closer to me in the process. He doesn’t seem to mind. “Could you give us a minute? The movie is in the DVD player.”

  “Where?”

  Oh crap. “My room, umm…” Nathan tenses. “My mum’s home, so… upstairs first door on the right.”

  “Sure, popcorn?”

  “Already up there.” I say and shift to the side so he can pass. I turn back to Nathan, who is walking back to his car. “Hey, wait up. Where’s Dillan?” I search for any sign of him in the car, but his seat isn’t there.

  “He’s with Jeanine.” Nathan states, his tone clipped with an undertone of anger. What did I do?

  “So you’re here because?” I prompt and manoeuvre my way between him and the driver’s seat.

  He shrugs. “I was in the area.”

  A laugh escapes me. “Three hours from home?”

  He winces and tries to pull me out of the way, his eyes avoiding mine. “Have a good evening Guinevere.”

  Did he drive all of this way to see me? That makes no sense. Why would he do that? “Why are you here?” Oh my god. I was the person he was referring to in his texts. Grr, why does he have to be so confusing?

  “I shouldn’t be.” This is hardly an answer. He looks up to my empty bedroom window, his lips a thin white line. “I should go.”

  I grab the wrist that is holding my own and click my free fingers in front of his face. “You can look at me, you know.”

  A muscle in his jaw ticks as he grits his teeth slightly. “No, I can’t.”

  Blink. “Why?” I still try to meet his eyes, but he looks straight ahead. His stubbornness knows no bounds. “Hello?”

  “Move out of the way.”

  “Are we really doing this?” I scoff. “What have I done now? Is this because of Eric? We’re not dating…”

  Nathan’s eyes finally come to mine. “Don’t lie Guinevere; it doesn’t suit you.”

  “And finally he looks at me.” I sigh and release my hold on him. He doesn’t release me though and I’m unsure as to why. “Why are you angry with me?”

  “I’m not angry with you.” He snaps quite loudly. “I’m angry with myself.”

  “For?”

  He takes a step back and runs his fingers through his hair. “For deluding myself.”

  “Deluding yourself?”

  “Into thinking…” He lets out a breath and steps into my space, his body only an inch from mine. “Into thinking you felt even a fraction of what I hoped you did.” My eyes widen of their own accord and my body goes slack, giving him the perfect opportunity to move me out of the way. He climbs into the car and shuts the door. After rolling the window down he grips the steering wheel with both hands and stares straight ahead. “That’s my mistake.”

  I don’t say anything. What can I say? I’m officially baffled.

  “Nathan.” I call softly as he starts the engine.

  “Guys like me never win.” Guys like him? He puts the car in gear. “It’s high time I realised that.” He finally reverses away.

  Why do I feel guilty? Does… does Nathan… no. He’s just… But... None of this makes sense.

  I’m in denial. Everything Nathan did whilst I lived with him, everything all pointed to one conclusion. He even asked me to marry him! At first I thought it was out of some strange duty to the fiancée and child his brother left behind. He wants me. Or he did.

  Does he still? His actions just now really point to the answer yes.

  I head back inside, my mind no longer accepting of my date. I can lie to myself all I want, but that’s what this is. It’s a date. No longer do I even want to entertain the idea of seeing another man. What’s worse is Caleb isn’t the only reason behind my sudden change of heart. Nathan seems to be the most prominent one right now. I really don’t want to hurt him. The thought of it is abhorrent to me.

  So even as I sit beside Eric and laugh at the things he says as we share a bag of popcorn, I decide today is the last I’m going to see of him. Tomorrow I’m going to see Nathan and resolve this mess right away.

  Eric leaves late with promises to call. I have to admit he’s a lot of fun to be around and I’m glad he didn’t try to kiss me at the end.

  My mum just left for work, so I have the house to myself.

  I’m about to call Nathan so I can talk to him about earlier when I hear the door open and close. My body tenses and my mind instantly goes on alert. Who could it be?

  Feet pound up the stairs and I don’t have time to reach for the lamp to defend myself before the door is swinging open. My heart hits my throat before falling out of my arse and jumping out of the nearest window. My brain follows it as I stare mindlessly at an infuriated looking Nathan.

  “Umm… hi?” I say this questioningly and cross my legs on the bed. “Is there a reason you’re barging in on me like this?”

  His chest heaves as he takes in my room with watchful eyes. “No.” Then it dawns on me and my cheeks heat at the same time as my anger rises.

  “Were you checking to see if…” I let my words trail off as Nathan steps into the room and starts rummaging through my closet. What the fuck is wrong with him? “Umm… what are you doing?”

  “Put this on.” He barks and throws a thigh length black dress at me. “And these.” A pair of kitten heel black pumps land at my feet.

  “Why?”

  He glares at me. I almost forgot how scary that was, “Because I’m bored. I want to use you as my personal Barbie doll.” Did he just roll his eyes at me? “I want to take you somewhere.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m bored.” Oh, so that part was true at least.

  “Fine.” I don’t argue; there’s no point.

  “Shower. Wash his stink off you.” He snarls and slams the door behind him. I hear his footsteps pound on each stair as if punishing it for his bad mood. Gulp.

  I think maybe I made him mad.

  CHAPTER SIX

  “You look stunning.” Nathan says with admiring eyes that make me feel a tad uncomfortable and also slightly heated. “Let’s go.”

  I shouldn’t go with him after the way he’s been talking to me and treating me, but I remind myself over and over that as angry as I want to be with him for being an arsehole towards me, I want to understand him more. For that to happen he needs to let me in. He deserves to have somebody at least try. So I take a calming breath.

  “Where?” I ask and allow him to lead me to the car.

  “You’ll see.” His cryptic response annoys my curiosity to no end.

  I change the subject, knowing that asking him again will only result in a similar answer meaning the same thing. “I have to admit, I’m not happy about you giving up your Dillan time. It’s not like you get much of it.”

  He nods. “Yes, well, needs must.” What kind of a response is that? “Come, I’m certain you’ll enjoy yourself.”

  “What’s with the sudden one eighty? You hated me and now you don
’t?” I don’t want to push him into doing another one eighty, but I need to know why he’s suddenly changed his mind.

  “I never hated you, Guinevere.” He sighs and helps me into the car. Yep, he’s definitely a gentleman. “Music? The radio is yours to enjoy.”

  “Seriously?” I grin a grin of disbelief. “I never get control of the radio.”

  “That’s because your taste in music is appalling.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with the top forty. I respond haughtily and turn on the beats.

  “Just promise me something.” His teasing tone piques my interest and I nod for him to continue. “Don’t sing; my ears can’t handle the pain.”

  My mouth falls open. I slap his arm and turn away from him, feigning offense. This only makes him laugh harder. I’ve missed the sound. “Meanie.”

  “You’re good to look at and your voice is very… gentle and soothing. Until you sing that is.”

  “Caleb used to say I’d fit in perfectly with a group of very sick cats.”

  “I’m sure they’d accept you into their choir if they were to have one.” He jests and places his leather clad hand on my knee.

  “When have you ever heard me sing anyway?” It’s not like I was in a sing song kind of mood during the time I lived with him.

  He shrugs. “After Dillan was born you started humming and singing. It was wonderful for a while as it showed that you were happy again, to a certain extent at least.”

  “Oh.” I shift my knee to the side so his hand slides onto the seat and stare out of the window. “I miss my little man.”

  Nathan moves his hand away and rubs it against his own thigh for a moment.

  We’re driving for twenty minutes before we pull up outside of a large building I don’t recognize. It looks to be like some kind of Chinese restaurant, very fancy and it definitely holds the typical Chinese restaurant theme.

  He helps me out of the car and leads me through the doors, where we’re instantly led to a private table in a room that’s absolutely beautiful. There’s a fountain in the corner and the room is filled with plants and tiny trees I don’t know the name of. The table we’re seated at is only a foot off the ground. I guess we’re sitting on the padded floor then.