Connected

by A. E. Murphy

  Had sex? Well, I suppose that’s true. We didn’t make love and he didn’t orgasm, so calling it sex sounds about right. “Go on.”

  “That house that we viewed on the seafront.” Why does he keep trailing off?

  “Go on.”

  “It’s mine. I get the keys tomorrow.” He looks nervously at me. “How do you feel about that?”

  Good question. “I think it’s nice that you’re going to be closer.” Then another thought enters my head. “What about your jewellery store? What’s going to happen to that?”

  “That’s on hold indefinitely.” He waves it away like it’s nothing more than a bug. What the hell? I open my mouth to argue, but he speaks first. “I want you to move in with me. You and Dillan.”

  And we’re back to this. “I don’t need to live with you, Nathan.”

  He stops, turning me to face him, and bends slightly so his eyes are level with mine. “But I want you to. Both of you. That house is too big for just me.”

  “How are you paying for it exactly? You’re not working right now.”

  “Gwen,” he warns, as a way of telling me not to change the subject.

  Sigh. “It’s not the right time. I just… we’re new.”

  “Hardly! We lived together for almost six months.”

  “Yes, I’m aware of that.”

  “Look…” He runs his hand through his hair. “I was thinking you could finish University. I’ll have Dillan for you, or we’ll pay for nursery.”

  Wow. “I… I’m not going to move in with you just because you’re offering me something. It has to be the right time. Now isn’t that time.” I’m not doing a very good job of explaining my point.

  “I’ll let you decorate; we can have the kitchen redone or anything you want. Dillan will have his own room. It’ll be better than before.”

  “I hardly saw you before and we weren’t planning on becoming an item, so the comparison doesn’t really count,” I say, needing this conversation to end. “One day, but not now. Okay?”

  “Fine,” he relents, clearly not wanting to push the subject. “But promise me you’ll think about it.”

  That I can do. “I promise.”

  He smiles, relieved, and starts walking again.

  By the time we make it home it’s dark and late. We get Dillan ready and go straight to bed, because I have work in the morning and Nathan has a house to prepare.

  I burrow into Nathan’s chest, loving the feel of his arms around me. I guess I didn’t realise how much I’d missed this. I can’t even remember Caleb’s arms around me anymore. Why do I suddenly feel guilty?

  I stare up at the handsome man who seems to be staring at the ceiling, holding me like he doesn’t want to let me go.

  “Tell me you love me,” are the last words he whispers to me before we sleep.

  “I love you, Nathan,” are the last words I whisper to him. His arms tighten around me and his lips connect with my forehead.

  “Hey, I’m home.” A soft voice whispers into the darkness.

  I smile and turn to the side, puckering my lips in acceptance of the kiss that I know is to come.

  It doesn’t.

  Peeling my eyes open, I look at the figure looming over the bed. I can’t see his face, but I know who it is.

  “Caleb!” I grin, clambering from the bed and throwing my arms around him. I bury my face in his neck and inhale deeply; he smells so good. He always does. “I miss you.”

  His face finally comes into view. He’s smiling. It tears at my heart but I can’t quite put my finger on why. “You miss me? I’m right here.” A warm hand cups my cheek. “You look so beautiful.”

  “Can you kiss me now? I feel like you haven’t kissed me in so long,” I whisper, pain flooding through me. Why do I feel grief?

  “Certainly.” He grins wickedly and his other hand comes to my other cheek. His lips descend. My entire body heats as I wait for our lips to touch. I feel like I’ve been waiting for this moment for a lifetime. Why am I so sad?

  Our lips are about to touch. I shiver in anticipation.

  They stop.

  Caleb looks over my shoulder, his eyes narrowing and his head tilting. “You’re not alone.”

  “What?” What’s he talking about? Of course I’m alone.

  I look over my shoulder and gasp at the sight before me. He’s right. Somebody is in my bed.

  “What the hell?” I whisper as Caleb moves me to the side, his arms trembling, and reaches for the blanket. He pulls it back in one swift movement and the room fills with a rage that’s so thick I can taste it.

  A red mist seems to swirl around him as he glares at the man in my bed.

  “No!” Caleb roars, his angry eyes coming to me. “You promised.”

  “What?” Who is that? Why’s he in my bed. “Who is it?”

  “We’re getting married tomorrow! How could you?”

  “I don’t understand. I don’t know who this is.”

  “I told you to stay away from Nathan. You promised you would!” His tone is accusatory.

  What? “I don’t know who Nathan is. I swear. I don’t know this man.”

  Caleb steps away from me. “How could you do this?”

  “I… I didn’t… Caleb, please.” I hold out my hand. “Believe me.”

  He turns and walks over to my window. Wait… where’s the cot? Don’t I have a cot there?

  Why would I have a cot? I’m still pregnant.

  My hands find my flat stomach and I grasp at it desperately. “What’s going on?”

  Caleb doesn’t answer. He only stares out of the window, his profile almost glowing in the moonlight. “I’ll never forgive you for this, Gwenny.”

  “Wait,” I plead, racing towards him.

  The red mist flickers outwards, long smoky tendrils lashing out at the dark room, slowly swallowing it whole until I can see nothing but red. Caleb’s hand reaches out and touches my cheek. He doesn’t speak, or if he does I don’t hear him. My heart starts beating a heavy rhythm as I’m overcome with fear and loss.

  Caleb.

  No. No. NO! I hit the floor with a thud, my body trembling and my front aching from my landing.

  “Caleb,” I gasp, pulling myself up and looking around the room. “Dillan!”

  Confusion sets in as I pull myself out of my dream state and back to reality. I race to the cot and sigh with relief when I see Dillan sleeping soundly, his mouth suckling at nothing.

  “Nathan,” I whisper in realisation and turn towards the bed.

  He’s fast asleep on his back, one arm spread to the side as if it has been searching for me and is now waiting for me. I climb onto the mattress and stare at him for a moment, ignoring the heartbreak at losing Caleb all over again.

  This isn’t the first dream I’ve had of Caleb, but it’s the first one with Nathan. It’s all of this information I’ve received regarding him that’s throwing me. It’s too much to take.

  I brush my fingers over Nathan’s brow and sigh as guilt floods through me. How could Caleb do that to him? How could he hurt his brother like that, who so clearly needs love and trust?

  If he were alive I don’t think I’d be able to look at him for what he’s done. I know that’s easier said now that he’s not here, but I know Nathan now. I know that, with a bit of patience and a sledge hammer combined, you can crack that outer shell and the sweetness that lies beneath is just… gah. It’s amazing. He’s amazing.

  How could Caleb… my sweet Caleb, be so cruel to somebody so damaged and in need of affection?

  As much as I want to be sad over Caleb’s freak out in my dream, I can’t be. I can only be sad that I didn’t seem to know him at all. Or maybe he changed; I sure hope that’s the case.

  Leaning forward, I press my lips to Nathan’s and run my nose along his. I know how much he loves that. It reminds me of a lion cub nuzzling the felines it knows and loves.

  Nathan, stirring at my attention, peeks open one eye and smiles ever so slightly as he traps hi
s body to mine with his strong arms. “Hi.”

  I laugh a little, feeling like I’ve been caught doing something naughty. “Hi.”

  “What are you doing?” He closes his eyes as I continue to nuzzle his nose with mine. I press my lips to his and run my hand up his chest until it rests over his steady heart. My lips take on a mind of their own and travel from his lips to his jaw, then down to his neck. My tongue tastes his skin as my nails scrape over the fabric of his vest. He lets out a breath and tickles my arms with his fingertips. “Why are you awake?”

  “Bad dream,” I murmur against his golden skin and continue kissing every inch of his neck.

  He lets out a moan and slowly pulls me away. “What about?”

  Do I tell him and ruin this moment? Or do I lie and keep trying to seduce him? “I don’t remember.” I go for the lie. He looks at me sceptically. “I swear, I don’t remember.” He loosens his grip and lies still as I get back to work on his neck.

  “This is unexpected,” Nathan murmurs, clearly still half asleep.

  I slide his vest up to his neck and trail my fingers over his smooth chest. Shifting down, I press my lips to the spot directly above his nipple, which tightens instantly.

  “Gwen,” he chokes out, his chest dropping as his breath escapes him. Hands roughly grab my hair and pull my head up. “What are you doing?”

  Umm… well, what does it look like? I give him a blank look and push his hands away. Shifting down again, I circle the tip of my tongue around his nipple. This time he groans, his skin rippling with the feeling.

  I don’t waste time and move down further, my tongue leaving a damp line as I go. I’m ready to taste him, ready to make him feel good. His fingers tangle in my hair, but this time they don’t push me away. I slide down again, finally level with his belly button and that soft strip of dark hair that leads to where I want to be.

  When he realises my intention, I’m roughly pushed away.

  I land on my back on the bed, dazed for a second.

  “What are you doing?” He snaps and sits up, his body tense and his gaze angry.

  “Umm…” I slowly sit up and chew on my lip as my cheeks heat. “Did I hurt you?”

  Running a hand through his hair, he pulls his vest down and folds his arms across his chest, almost as if protecting himself. “Go to sleep.”

  “What did I do?” That didn’t go as well as I planned.

  “Do you make a habit of touching people in their sleep?”

  I jerk back, my entire body tensing as pain slices through me. “What?” I say breathlessly.

  He rubs his face, his eyes softer when he looks at me. “I thought I was dreaming.”

  “I… I’m sorry. Your eyes were half open. I thought… I just…”

  He turns over without letting me finish, his back now to me. Do I climb back into bed and hug him from behind?

  I try, placing my hand on his back as a way to tell him I want him to turn over. He shrugs me off and rolls onto his front, leaving me tired, confused and sad.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, leaning into his ear. Although I’m not entirely sure what it is I’m apologising for. What man doesn’t want a sneaky blowjob?

  I just needed to forget everything for a while.

  I just need him to let me know everything is okay, because when I’m with him, I forget everything else.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Dillan wakes me ten minutes before the sun is due to rise. I snatch him up and plant numerous kisses on his face and open mouth. Nathan remains sleeping as I leave the room and head down the stairs. He usually wakes. In fact, I can’t remember a time he hasn’t woken with myself and Dillan. This leads me to believe he’s avoiding me and was most likely faking sleep.

  Sigh.

  Why can’t things just be okay for longer than a day?

  I sit on the couch and yawn quietly as Dillan suckles away, then turn on the TV so I’m not sat in silence with nothing but my thoughts to entertain me.

  Dillan finishes after a few minutes and lets out a healthy burp. Playtime at last.

  Hidey-boo only gets boring when your baby doesn’t laugh at it anymore. My baby loves it, therefore I could continue for hours, or until he gets bored of it.

  The couch sinks beside me but I don’t look up. I’m having a conversation with my son in the form of giggles and babbles.

  “Are you hungry?” Nathan asks, his fingers playing with the ends of my hair.

  “No thank you,” I snap. Even though I’m mad at him, I can’t forget my manners.

  “Thirsty?”

  “No thank you. Hidey…” I hold the thin sheet an inch from Dillan’s face before ripping it away. “Boo!”

  He laughs, a long single sound from his open mouth. I see Nathan smile out of the corner of my eye. “I did this with him the last time I had him. He found it very enjoyable.” He’s nervous; I can hear it in his voice. “Here.” He reaches for Dillan, so I quickly shuffle away. His hands fly back to his lap and he blinks, his mouth falling open in shock.

  “Yeah, he loves this game. Hidey…”

  “I’ll make us coffee,” he says quietly, scratching the slight shadow on his jaw. “Would you like anything else whilst I’m in the kitchen?”

  “Boo!” And Dillan’s magical laugh comes again. I glare at the man beside me and clip, “No thank you,” before turning back to my smiling boy. He’s so adorable. I just want to eat him.

  Nathan stays seated for a short while, staring at me expectantly, possibly hoping for his morning hug and kiss. When he realises he’s not going to get either, he stands, sighs and leaves the room.

  “Not this time,” I say to Dillan in a baby voice. “No way am I letting him get away with it this time.” I lift him until he’s eye level with me. “What do you think? Huh?” I nuzzle my face in his belly, eliciting another laugh and a high pitched squeal of excitement that I’ve never heard from him before. “Yes, I agree. We won’t talk to him today.” I nuzzle his belly, trying to get another squeal from him.

  Squelch.

  Dear Lord, I do believe my baby’s bowels have become rotten during the night. Ugh.

  “Nath…” Ah… damn it. That was close. I forgot I wasn’t talking to him properly. “Looks like I’m going to have to deal with this one myself.”

  When we return to the room, Nathan is sitting on the couch slumped forward with his head in his hands. I look away when he looks up and sit in the seat across the room. Dillan has hold of a teething ring and is swinging it around. I doubt he even knows he’s holding anything; he just likes moving his arms.

  “Would you like me to take him?” Nathan asks, worrying his lower lip. “Gwen…” He stands and walks over to me. I turn sideways, trying to avoid his hands. They reach out and take Dillan. I can hardly play tug of war with my baby, so I release him pretty easily. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted. I’m sorry.” Why does he sound angry?

  “Great,” I say flippantly and hold out my arms. “Can I have my son back now? I’m going to be at work soon. This is all I get with him before I get home at six.”

  His jaw clenches. “I said I was sorry.”

  “My son,” I snap, holding out my hands.

  “I’m not going to see him until later either, or have you forgotten I have to pick up the keys in an hour?” He bites back, turning to leave.

  “Then wait until it’s your turn!”

  “Why do you get to decide when it’s my turn?” He looks at me incredulously. “Because you’re angry with me? I’m sorry, I should never have behaved the way I did, but there is nothing I can do about it now. Keeping Dillan from me is unfair to him.”

  “I’m not keeping Dillan from you; I’m having my morning time with him!”

  “And I want my time with him!”

  We stare at each other for a moment.

  “Neither of you are getting time with him!” My mum shouts from the doorway, looking annoyed, tired and rather dishevelled. We’ve clearly woken her. She stomps to Nathan, sn
atches Dillan from his arms and gives us both the look. “This isn’t healthy for him. Guinevere, stop being a bitch.” She’s kidding, right? “You’re both acting like children and everything you do will affect him.” She turns to Nathan. “Whatever you did to make her mad, your apology was terrible. Work on that.” Then she turns to me. I feel like cowering. If I had a tail it would be between my legs right now. “Valentine called your mobile five minutes ago; you left it upstairs. I answered. She needs you to go in in twenty minutes. I said you’d be there.”

  Great.

  She leaves the room with Dillan. I sigh and follow suit, needing to get ready and quick.

  I feel terrible. I feel like a bad mum right now.

  “Gwen.” Nathan follows me until I slam my bedroom door in his face.

  He only opens it again, as I knew he would, but at least I got my point across.

  “I am sorry.”

  Gah. “You shoved me.” I pull my pyjama top over my head and throw it on the bed, which, as per usual when Nathan stays, is made to perfection.

  “What?” He takes a step back, a frown on his face.

  “Last night, when I was kissing you, everything was fine and then suddenly…” I slice my hand through the air. “You shoved me and it wasn’t gentle.”

  He visibly pales. “I…” His throat bobs as he swallows. “Did I hurt you?”

  “No, but if I’d been any further to the right I would have fallen backwards off the bed.”

  Blinking a few times, he stands to his full height, nods and moves towards the door.

  Now I’m confused. “I thought we were talking?”

  “There’s nothing to say.” His face is a blank mask when he turns to face me.

  “Don’t you dare!” I snap and he freezes on the spot, his hand suspended in mid-air only a few inches from the door handle. “Don’t you dare! That’s my decision!”

  “Sorry?”

  “Do you know what? Forget it. Go. Run. I have to get ready for work.” I snarl, pulling clothes from my drawers.

  He opens the door, but stops again when it’s wide enough for him to exit.

  “If you’re waiting for me to stop you, don’t bother; you’ll be waiting a long time.”