by A. E. Murphy
Eric was normal this morning when he picked me up. Luckily he didn’t try to kiss me. He did bring my phone and my bag, though, which was a relief. Living without one’s phone is almost like living without an arm. We went to the hospital but only visited for a short while as he had to work.
Now I just have to figure out the best time to break up with him. This is ridiculous. It’s not fair on him that I’m doing this, but I can’t just break up with him in the midst of a crisis. I mean… what kind of person would that make me?
******
I sit and wait on my doorstep for Nathan to come by. He’s been hard at work all day and no doubt he’s exhausted. When his car pulls into the driveway, I smile and race towards him. His eyes light up when he climbs from the car and opens his arms ready to catch me.
Leaping onto him, I wrap my legs around his hips and slant my lips over his.
“Somebody’s in a good mood,” he chuckles against my mouth, spinning us so my back is against the side of the car. His hands cup my arse to hold me up. He moans when I thread my fingers into his hair and climb up his body an inch. Giving a sharp yet painless tug, I pull his head back and kiss and nibble along his neck.
I vaguely feel us moving towards the house and I think the door shuts, but I can’t be sure.
“Kitchen,” I say when he moves towards the stairs. “I have a surprise for you.”
Just as quickly as I jumped on him, I release him and take his hand in mine. He pouts like a child but follows me anyway.
When he enters the kitchen, his eyebrows hit his hairline and his eyes come to me. “What’s all of this?” He waves to the candles spread out along the table and sides and the steaming hot food waiting on the table.
“You deserve a well cooked meal.” I give a firm nod and pull him to the table. Pressing my hands on his shoulders, I force him to sit and wrap my arms around his neck from behind. He leans his head back against my shoulder and sighs in contentment. I kiss his cheek. “Tell me to tell you that I love you.”
He inhales a sharp breath and his throat bobs against my arm as he swallows. “Tell me you love me,” he whispers.
Grinning, I slide onto his lap, effectively straddling him and run my nose along his. Looking directly into his eyes, I say the words whilst my fingers run through his silky hair. “I love you.”
His eyes soften as his lips breeze against my own in the gentlest kiss I’ve ever received.
“Okay, let’s eat. I made lasagne.” It’s a sentimental thought. The first time I ever got to touch him was when we fought over lasagne and it spilled all down his front. The memory is one of my best. Weird I know. “All organic foods, all fresh.”
I try to slide off his lap, but he doesn’t let me. He holds me tight and buries his face in my neck. “Will it always feel like this with us?”
“What do you mean?”
“This.” He looks at me and runs the back of his fingers down my cheek. “I never want this feeling to end.”
I’m still confused. I let him know as much with my eyes only.
Taking my hand, he places it against his chest so I can feel the steady heartbeat against my palm. “This feeling, right here.”
“I hope so,” I answer, kissing the tip of his nose. He lets me climb off him and take my seat at the tiny table.
“Where’s Dillan?”
I point to the baby monitor on the side. “He’s sleeping. He only just went down so he’ll be out for a while.” I hope.
“Good. I’d like to have him tomorrow, while you work, if that’s okay?”
Shrug. “Sure. Mum will probably enjoy the break. I’m not at work until eleven though.” I cut into my lasagne and take the first bite as he does the same. “I’m such a cooking genius.”
“I’m going to have to agree with you.”
“So, tell me about your day. Did you get much done?”
He nods. “Quite a lot actually. I have all of my things in the car.”
“I’ll help you,” I state, looking at his handsome face bathed in the glow of the candle. He’s so handsome; sometimes I forget how much and then become mesmerised when I look at him. His hair needs a trim though, not too much, but just enough to keep it from falling into his eyes. “I’ll come around after work.”
“Thank you.”
We fall into a comfortable silence, occasionally glancing at each other and smiling.
He finally breaks it after a few minutes, when his plate is clean and he’s pushed it away. Stretching his long legs, he crosses them at the ankles and asks, “What’s the occasion?”
“I just wanted to do something nice for you.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I wanted to,” I say, giving him a pointed look. “You deserve it. Also,” I chew on my lip for a moment, feeling slightly uncomfortable by what I’m about to tell him. “I started taking my pill again.”
“What?” He asks, looking adorably confused.
“I thought we could…” I let my words trail off, taking note of the slight fear in his eyes. “Go without the condoms this time.”
“You went to the doctor?”
I shake my head. “No, they’re left over from before Dillan, but they’re still in date. I have a two month supply.”
“Maybe you should go and get new ones, just in case,” he says and I can’t help but feel like he’s keeping something from me. “They could be faulty now.”
“Don’t be daft. I asked my doctor. They still have another two years of life left in them.”
He shakes his head. “We’d both need to be tested first.” His eyes avoid mine, probably so he doesn’t see the offence I’ve just taken by his statement.
“I haven’t had sex with anyone but you.”
“And Caleb,” he mutters, standing abruptly. “We’ll get tested first. If that’s okay?”
I narrow my eyes as he picks up the plates and deposits them on the side. “I was tested whilst I was pregnant. And like I said, I’ve only had sex with you. I’m clean.”
He braces himself on the counter. What did I do wrong now? “I’ve not been tested in a while.”
“How long?”
“Six months.”
“That makes no sense. You haven’t done the deed with anyone else in the past six months. Have you?” He shakes his head, no. I step towards him and wrap my arms around him from behind. “There was Lorna, but that was way before then.”
He gulps and it’s audible. “Still, I should double check. Just to be sure.”
“Fine.” I kiss his shoulder and move away. “I made treacle sponge. Would you like some?”
“Sure.” He relaxes completely. I can almost see the tension leave his body. It reminds me of the dream I had of Caleb, the red smoky tendrils licking at the air, pouring from around his body. I stifle a shudder at the thought and move back to Nathan. As soon as I sink into his warmth and his arms tightly hold me to him, all thoughts and memories fly from my mind. The power this man has over me is astonishing. He could make me forget the world. “Your hair smells divine.”
“Honey and almond.” I release him, giving him a quick kiss before moving to the oven where the bowls of treacle sponge and custard are keeping warm. “Sit. I’ll serve.”
He does as he’s told, thankfully.
We enjoy our food in more silence. That’s one thing I love about us: there are peaceful times where we can just enjoy each other’s company without having to be in each other’s faces all of the time. Neither of us craves attention from the other because we both get it when needed.
When we finish, I stack the dishes by the sink and stand in between Nathan’s parted legs. My finger nails scrape his scalp and he leans his head forward and sighs. I move them down to his neck, determined to seduce him into not using a condom.
His hands, which rest on his parted legs, gently touch the sides of my thighs. I lift one leg over his and then the other and lower myself onto his lap.
“You are so beautiful,” he mumbles almost to
himself and presses his lips to mine. “I woke up this morning and couldn’t believe that for once in my life I’ve finally gotten what I want.”
I give him a soft smile, trying to hide the turmoil within me that wishes for the same. A brief flash of Caleb appears behind my eyelids after I close my eyes. I’ll never get what I want because what I want is impossible to obtain. I hate myself for feeling this way.
He waits for a while, his eyes clearly expecting a response. I don’t know what to give him, so I kiss him again, trying to torment him with my tongue. It works, or it seems to, as he moans long and low. I feel it vibrate through his chest and into mine, which is pressed up against him. Amazing.
The world fades out around me. Nothing matters but him.
I lie awake, my heart pounding and my body covered in a thin layer of sweat. Nathan is in the shower, no doubt washing me from his skin under a cold spray. He didn’t orgasm, yet again. I’m starting to feel self-conscious. He also didn’t undress again, or push all of the way inside… again.
And there’s the fact he took me from behind… again.
I’m trying not to be offended or irritated, truly I am, I just can’t. There’s clearly something wrong and I want to know what it is, right now. Not in two weeks!
Turning over, I tuck the blanket between my legs and close my eyes, praying that I fall asleep before Nathan comes back into the room so he doesn’t see how much he’s tormenting me. It’s not his fault. I just wish he’d help me understand. How am I supposed to get closer to him if he keeps me at arm’s length?
Literally and figuratively.
That’s the only part that’s his fault, not explaining why he is the way he is.
It’s so darn frustrating.
“Gwen?” He whispers moments after, entering the room and climbing into bed. “Gwen?” He says a little bit louder this time as his fingers drag my hair from my shoulder. He pulls it up so it’s fanned out above my head. I remain perfectly relaxed and try to keep my breathing even.
Letting out a frustrated sigh, he wraps an arm around me and presses his face into the back of my neck.
When sleep finally claims me, it’s not a peaceful one.
“You look tired,” Mum comments warily, holding her cup of toxic tea close to her face.
I turn the page in the newspaper and shrug. “Didn’t sleep well. How are things with you and the new guy?”
She smiles like a love sick teenager and even swoons a little. “His name is George and he is perfect.”
My smile isn’t fake when I respond. “That’s great. When can I meet him?”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.” She places her cup down and snatches the newspaper from me. I roll my eyes when she holds it over her shoulder, moments before Nathan enters the kitchen and takes it from her. “He’d like to take us out for dinner on Sunday night. I know you’re in London until then, so if you’re too tired we can…”
“Sunday’s fine.” I look to Nathan, who nods his consent.
“I’ll watch Dillan then.” Nathan, who takes the seat opposite, opens the newspaper and flattens it down on the table top with his leather clad hands.
“Speaking of Dillan…” I say, when his bawling travels from the living room. I pad through and pick him up carefully. He smiles at the sight of me and I return it with just as much enthusiasm. “Love you my lickle baba.”
“Grab my phone, Gwen. I need to let George know.” The way she says his name is almost sickening. Why she needs sugar in her tea I’ll never know. She should just spit in it.
I laugh at my inner joke as I step into the kitchen, causing them to look at me like I’m crazy.
“What?” Mum’s brow arches as I sit with Dillan on my knee.
“Nothing.” I shake my head, still smiling. “Just a private joke between me and Dillan.”
Nathan watches me, his eyes narrowed curiously. It’s that look you get when there’s something on your face.
“What?” I ask defensively, shifting Dillan to the side as he tries to chew my hair, which he’s wrapped around his pudgy fist.
“Nothing.” He looks away. It’s too obvious and now I know for a fact there’s something wrong with me.
“What?” I demand, my voice deeper this time.
He shrugs, glancing at my dark hair. “Did you do something different?”
“No?” I smooth my hand over the top of my hair and look at my mum who looks away also. What the hell? “What’s wrong with my hair?”
My mum starts sniggering when she peeks around the back.
Taking Dillan with me, I dart to the mirror in the hall and see no immediate signs of hair distress. Turning my head from side to side, I still fail to see what they’re sniggering about. I haven’t combed my hair yet. It’s only eight in the morning, but it looks no different to how it usually looks.
There’s a knock on the door. I almost don’t answer it for fear of my not apparent hair distress humiliating me.
“Eric,” I breathe, blinking in surprise.
He grins, holding up a bag of food. “Breakfast?”
“I…” He pushes past before I can finish and enters the kitchen. “What are you doing here?”
My eyes immediately go to Nathan, who stiffens in a second and stares at Eric with his hands tightly gripping the edges of the newspaper.
“Morning Dawn,” Eric says and his eyes fall on Nathan. “Hi, Nathan right?”
Nathan nods. “We’ve met.”
“Yeah, briefly.” Eric places the bag on the table and turns back to me. “I didn’t think you’d have company; I apologise for intruding.” He steps into me, not caring about our audience and pulls me into a hug.
“That’s okay, Eric,” my mum says around a yawn and brings her wide eyes to me. “Can I get you a drink?”
Eric shakes his head a little frantically. “No thanks, I’m still trying to get the hair off my chest from the last one I drank that you made.”
I can’t help it, I giggle and Nathan lets out a sound that resembles that of a growl. Removing myself from Eric’s embrace, I step around him and retake my seat at the table. I know he needs to leave, but I can hardly say that to him while these two are here. It’ll embarrass him.
“It’s Friday, Gwen.” Nathan points out, sitting back in his chair.
I give him a warning look.
“Oh dear,” Mum adds, taking Dillan from my arms. Now I have nothing to keep me anchored.
“Nathan,” I say when she leaves the room. “Don’t you have something you need to be doing?”
Nathan’s mouth drops open in shock and possibly hurt, before he quickly gets a grip of himself and puts on the blank mask that I know so well. “Nope.”
“I’m sure there’s something you could be doing,” I push, glancing at Eric who is watching the exchange with suspicious eyes. “Sorry,” I say to Eric and place my hand on his arm.
“No problem.” He shrugs, but I can almost see the cogs in his head turning as he tries to figure out the one thing I don’t want him to know right now. “Nathan, I’d appreciate it if I could just have five minutes with my girl before I go to work. I’m not going to see her until Monday.”
Oh dear, now Nathan knows I told Eric of my plans. He inhales a sharp breath, his anger swimming in his now black eyes. “Why not until Monday?”
Please stop. Please. My mental begging does nothing.
“The London thing.”
Nathan looks at me, his anger aimed my way and with good reason. I want to shrink into a hole in the ground. “The London thing?”
“Yeah, that’s what I said.” Eric straightens his back and puffs his chest out slightly. “Why?”
“Do you both have plans for Monday?” Nathan tries to smile but fails miserably. It looks more like a grimace.
“We’re supposed to be seeing the new Godzilla movie.”
‘I swear I didn’t make plans!’ I want to scream, but I don’t. Eric is completely twisting the truth of our ‘plans’. He only a
sked what I was doing Monday, to which I responded that I wasn’t doing anything. He said cinema at six to see Godzilla and I said that we’ll see, but only because I knew I’d have to break up with him today and didn’t want to make him… hell, I don’t know. I’ve really messed this up.
“Really?” Nathan quirks a brow, folding his newspaper with precision. Oh hell, I’m in trouble.
“Nathan,” I say softly and give him a pleading look. “Could you please give us ten minutes? If it’s not too much trouble.”
“I guess I could make your bed,” he comments dryly. “I didn’t get a chance to do that this morning seeing as you woke up after me.” He stands and looks at Eric, who is staring at me expectantly, his jaw tight. “I’ll leave you both alone.”
I nod, my own anger apparent. “That would be nice.”
As he’s walking past, he plucks something from my hair and holds it in front of my face. I cock my head as I try to make out what is on the small square of paper. There’s a damp stain and a written sentence that reads:
You drool in your sleep. Here’s the proof.
I snatch it from his hand and screw it up into a ball, but the damage is already done. Eric glares at me and then at Nathan. “Wow, well, don’t I look stupid.”
“Yes,” Nathan says smugly as I say, “No!”
I turn towards Nathan, my anger bubbling over. “You absolute arsehole. God… what in hell is wrong with you?”
He looks shocked for a moment and even takes a step back.
Eric shakes his head, his lips a thin white line. “Enjoy your breakfast.” He storms past me and slams the door on his way out. I stand in the centre of the kitchen, my entire body shaking uncontrollably with anger, rage, sorrow, fright…I don’t know.
This is all my fault.
“Finally,” Nathan says, looking as casual and relaxed as he was before Eric arrived. He unfolds his newspaper and turns to the page he was at before he just completely ruined everything. “I thought he’d never leave.”
His casual and happy façade irritates me so much, I barely even register what I’ve done until I see the water dripping down his face and soaking his shirt. He looks at me in shock, his mouth hanging open.
