Connected

by A. E. Murphy

  “Damn it, Guinevere,” he snaps when my leg tightens reflexively and pushes his hips down a fraction, causing the head to rest directly on the entrance.

  “What’s so bad?” I ask calmly, working my fingers through the side of his hair. “Really… it’s just me. You know me. I’m clean, I’m healthy and… I care about you.”

  “You know that’s not the point,” he mumbles, turning his face into my hand. The movement forces him to sink in a fraction of a centimetre. I wince at the tightness of the skin trying to give to let him enter. We both moan; it feels good, even if it is uncomfortable. “Damn it.” I watch as his eyes close and he pushes forward. My slick channel slowly swallows the head. I feel it pop inside and shudder at the size of him. “Oh god, Gwen, you feel…” He pulls out slowly and my eyes close much like his have.

  Slowly he glides back in. “Nathan,” I whimper, when he manages to push his way in a few inches. It aches, oh how it aches in the best way. “More.”

  My legs tremble as he pulls out again, leaving only the head inside. If I thought the burning was bad before, I was wrong. This is overwhelming. His pelvis finally joins mine, my smooth skin against his trimmed, dark hair. Honestly I can’t believe I’ve managed to fit him to the hilt; it feels glorious, especially when he starts to grind against me, his pubic bone rubbing against my swollen clit.

  Whatever fears he seemed to have only moments ago have definitely gone. His hand leaves mine and pulls my thigh further up his hip, unhooking it from around his leg. This lets him in even deeper. I feel him hit the wall at the back of my core and hear him grunt at the obstruction, but not in annoyance or pain.

  Almost chocolate brown eyes come to mine, nothing but lust and wonder in their depths.

  I almost feel like I’m taking his virginity and I guess, in a way, I am. There’s something really satisfying about that, knowing that out of everyone, it’s me he’s chosen to share this with.

  “You feel so good,” he tells me and slowly begins pumping in and out. I smile for a moment, but it’s interrupted by a loud cry escaping me. The loud cry is because he pulls out sharply and slams inside. For some reason this sets off a chain reaction in my body that starts in my womb and works its way down my legs, clenching every muscle within its grasp. Yes I was tingly, but this… this orgasm had no warning. I wrap my arms around his neck as he gets more enthusiastic with each plunge, most likely due to my reaction.

  The lingering vibration that my orgasm left behind doesn’t subside, it only goes on for what seems an age before it builds again and explodes outwards. Down below I clench and release, over and over again. His breath becomes harder and faster, as do his thrusts.

  Our foreheads touch once more, our eyes squeezed shut. I want to look at him but I just can’t; my body is no longer my own. I’m floating on a wave of orgasmic bliss, the feeling constant.

  It’s not long before I feel his body tense and I know he’s going to come. This was exactly the time he pulled away the last time we had intercourse. This time it can’t be classed as intercourse; this passion, this feeling that we’re creating together doesn’t have a title. It’s too good to be so clinically named.

  He starts to lift and I know with one hundred percent certainty he’s going to pull out and deny himself the orgasm his body so clearly wants and needs. I’m not a psychiatrist and I don’t know how to deal with abuse victims, but in this case I’m choosing to not let him run. Maybe it’s the wrong choice but right now, in my heart and mind, it feels like the right choice.

  “Gwen.” His tone is panicked. He stills completely. “Let go.” I force my legs around him tighter and use my heels to push him back in. “Gwen!” He shoves up, his torso leaving mine to catch the chill in the air. “Let go now!”

  He’s going to pull out. Should I let him? I don’t know what to do.

  No. I’m not letting go. Placing my hands on his neck as he goes to break free, I begin grinding my hips up towards him.

  He doesn’t say stop; he’s too close to the edge. Instead, his arms buckle but he catches himself before he drops on me and his torso jerks as his length swells even larger and begins to pulse inside of me. His hips begin hammering into mine. A loud, guttural cry leaves him as he presses his face into the pillow by my head.

  It’s brutal, his size, his strength, the way his hips piston up and down, forcing him in and out of me quite a few times. As his orgasm reaches its peak, he slams into me three times, still moaning loudly, and it’s his moans that bring me over with the force of his delivery.

  We stop at the same time. I can feel and hear our heartbeats intermingling. It’s a strange sound, but a soothing one.

  When my body finally becomes my own, I roll Nathan off me. He stares up at the ceiling, his face a blank mask. I don’t talk; he clearly needs a moment. Crossing my leg over his, I pull his arm out and rest my body into the side of him, my nose against his neck.

  He doesn’t hold me, not like he did the last few times. He just lies here beneath me, breathing heavily and staring at the ceiling.

  My gut gnaws at my insides. Did I push him too soon?

  I guess I’ll find out soon enough. For now I just want to rest here with him, enjoying the silence; or enjoying the calm before the storm, as it were.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  I’m not sure when he left the bed. I passed out at some point after we shared that amazing experience together. It’s still dark out, though, so I can’t have been asleep for too long.

  Wrapping the sheet around me, I climb to my feet and set out in search of Nathan. He’s probably upstairs in his room.

  He isn’t.

  Sigh.

  The study!

  I follow the dark hallway, my mind not on the possibility of ghosts but on how Nathan is feeling.

  I tap lightly on the door but get no response, so, doing something I’ve never done before, I push the door open and peek inside.

  Sure enough, he’s sat in his comfy looking leather chair facing the window with a small glass of amber liquid in his hand. He looks tired and worn, which isn’t surprising given the kind of activity we participated in. I’m shocked that he hasn’t heard me take a few steps into the room, although he does seem very lost in his thoughts.

  Instead of speaking, I step in front of him and move between his parted knees. He still doesn’t look up.

  “One of my favourite things about you is how kind you are, even when you don’t want to be.”

  He doesn’t respond, only brings his drink to his lips and takes a healthy swig.

  “And how good you are with Dillan.” He continues staring straight ahead, my covered navel the only thing in view. “And how intelligent you are, and how little you ask for, yet you give so much in return.”

  A shallow breath leaves him as he places the drink on the desk by his laptop. He reaches for me and presses his face against my navel. The top of his forehead just reaches where my ribs join. I place my hand in his hair and keep hold of the bed sheet with the other.

  The way he nuzzles into my stomach and holds me tight with his hands on my arse feels almost desperate.

  He lets out a choked sob and holds me tighter still. “I can’t lose you. I don’t remember how to live without you.”

  “You’re not going to lose me.”

  “I will, if you find out the truth.”

  “Trust me.”

  “Trust me,” he whispers and I gently massage his scalp. “I can’t… Gwen… I can’t let you go… but you’ll make me.”

  “Then don’t tell me,” I breathe, my decision set in my mind. “I don’t want to know.”

  He looks up at me with red eyes and dishevelled hair. “What?”

  I nod. “I don’t want to know.”

  “You promise? You’ll never ask?”

  And again I nod. “I swear it. I will never ask.”

  He stands, his arm lifting me as he rises. I immediately wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. The sheet falls from my body, re
maining trapped between his arm and my back.

  “Tell me you love me.” He looks up at me, his eyes set and determined.

  “I love you.”

  His arm that isn’t holding me swipes everything from his desk. I hear the glass smash and the laptop thud against the floor, but I don’t care because in seconds he’s laying me on the long desk, which is cold against my back.

  The sheet bunches up beneath me, forming an uncomfortable lump that digs into the base of my spine, yet I don’t care.

  I care even less when Nathan kicks off his boxers, pulls off his vest and climbs on top of me. Seconds later he’s in me and is pounding me so mercilessly I slide up the table with each thrust until my head is hanging over the edge. It feels so good, too good.

  Does this mean I’ve fixed him?

  Or does this mean he’s fixed me?

  Maybe it means neither; maybe we’re both just finally on the right course to healing.

  As my orgasm rips through me and Nathan yells my name with his, I smile. For once in the past twelve months, I finally feel like everything is going to be alright.

  “I know this is a little bit late to ask,” Nathan says, both of us lying in his bed, with me draped across his chest as he plays with my hair. Shifting, I tilt my head back and wait for him to continue whilst staring at his handsome face. “But you did start taking the pill again, right?”

  “Definitely too late to ask,” I giggle, thinking back to our time in his office, then again in the hallway when we were supposed to be going to bed. Then again on the stairs, which isn’t as easy or as comfortable as it looks, so we moved it to his bed. I’m deliciously sore and achy and the bed sheet that covered the mattress is now in a heap at the foot of the bed. Somehow we pushed it off during our love making and I’m not embarrassed in the slightest. “But yes, I did.”

  He lets out a breath and presses his lips to my hair. “I never knew it could feel like this.”

  “Me neither,” I agree, running my tongue around his nipple, which causes him to gasp.

  “You didn’t?”

  I shake my head and close my eyes. “It’s different with you. More… intense. It’s instinct or something. You seem to know exactly what I want and I seem to know exactly what you want.”

  He chuckles. “We’re used to not talking that’s why. We must have learned to read each other’s body language during the time you lived here.”

  That actually makes sense. I fall silent for a moment, wondering whether or not to say what’s on my mind. “I wasn’t just trying to get you into bed when I told you I was in love with you. You know that right?”

  His body gets tight and he rolls me onto my back, his face hovering an inch above mine. “I just thought you were saying it to make me feel better.”

  “How could you think that?”

  “Because you’re adamant about never loving anyone more than you love…” He trails off and, fortunately, that familiar pain I usually get when Caleb is mentioned doesn’t come.

  “You were right; I was wrong.” I admit reluctantly. “It is possible to love two people at the same time, it’s just a different kind of love.”

  He smiles broadly. “Did you just admit you were wrong?”

  “Yes,” I respond indignantly. “When have I ever not admitted I was wrong when I was in fact wrong?”

  He chuckles and kisses my chin. “Well during the last twelve months, you’ve never been wrong. According to you at least.”

  “I just gave you the best sex of your life. If you don’t want that privilege revoked, I suggest you don’t poke fun.”

  Laughing loudly, he rests his head on my breasts and trails his fingers up and down my side. “Duly noted.” His brow arches playfully. “Am I in the doghouse?”

  Sigh.

  “Are we having another tiff?”

  Double sigh.

  His eyes soften, his smile dimming to a gentle one, one full of love and a small amount of amusement. “When did you figure out how you feel?”

  Good question. “When you tried to walk away from me the other day.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Because I didn’t figure out what those feelings meant until you didn’t come home and didn’t call for two nights.”

  He lifts his head and sucks my nipple into his mouth.

  “Careful,” I warn, not wanting him to suddenly get a mouthful of Dillan’s dinner. “It’s different, so different. With you it’s deeper, more intense. I feel it in my very soul. The thought of living without you hurts to the point of scarring every inch of me.”

  “And with Caleb?”

  “It was fun, light and airy. I felt like I was floating. Every second with him was like walking on a cloud.” I giggle a little. “I loved him very much.” I can see that my words have affected him. “But with you, every second I spend with you it feels like I can do anything. You have the ability to crush me, the ability to shatter me, the ability to consume me. With Caleb it was never like that. People say you never get over your first love and maybe they’re right, but I know in my heart that if anything were to happen to you, to us, I would never be able to move on from that.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, not this time. I swear it. I’m just sorry I didn’t give you all of me sooner.”

  “Same.” My arms wrap around his neck as my eyes drift shut. “Same.”

  ******

  I wake up to the bright sun pouring over my face, but that’s not what woke me up. At first I panic when something slips inside me, but then I remember where I am and who I’m with and, without worrying about my bad morning breath or the state of my body, I raise my hips to meet the gorgeous man who gave me all of him last night.

  ******

  “Does this mean you’ll move in with me?” Nathan asks as we shower. “You and Dillan of course.”

  Oh darn. I did say that, didn’t I? “I suppose.”

  A smile of pure joy lights up his face. He pulls me to him, our wet bodies clashing under the spray. “Yay!”

  “You just said yay.”

  “I did.”

  “You don’t like that word. You think it’s immature.”

  He shrugs. “When one spends time with the common folk, one learns to adapt.”

  Bastard! I slap his arm.

  Laughing, he spins me in his arms and runs his bare fingers over my back and shoulders. “Today?”

  “What?” I’m too busy feeling what his fingers are doing to remember anything we were talking about.

  “You’ll move in today?”

  “Let me tell my mum first and pack. I have to work tomorrow and Thursday.”

  “Yay.”

  “Yay!” I repeat, with a bright smile of my own. We climb out of the shower after another few minutes and get ready to leave.

  “I don’t like the thought of you driving back on your own.”

  “I did it last night,” I point out.

  “Yes and I’m very glad you did.”

  “Can I ask you something? It’s about something you said.” I chew on my lip, worried he’ll close up on me again. His eyes turn wary as he nods for me to continue. “You said your mum wasn’t always the way she was…”

  He seems relieved and I guess it’s because I’m not asking about what it is he knows that I don’t; that piece of knowledge he thinks has the potential to destroy us. Of course it’s eating at me, but do I really want to know, especially if it’ll turn my world upside down? “I remember her being kind and thoughtful. She loved me. I remember that. But then my dad suddenly changed. We had a lot going on with…” He gulps and looks away. “I’m not sure why he started beating her, but it happened around the same time my grandfather started abusing me. We had a lot of stresses.”

  “You were only six. You shouldn’t have had any stresses, other than whether or not you could sneak the biscuits out of the cupboard.” I did that often, but I mostly got caught.

  “Yeah.” He takes my hand and leads me to Sasha’s car. “I
know. She became very withdrawn. She stopped hugging me, kissing me and eventually became the snotty cow she is today. I think she just forgot how to love.”

  “Nobody forgets how to love; they just forget how to share it,” I mutter, thinking back to my own upbringing. It was very mild in comparison to his, but it still hurt when my mum treated me like I was a burden more than anything.

  He changes the subject, his eyes staring through the trees ahead. “Have you ever wanted to find your dad?”

  “Yes.”

  “Maybe you should try?”

  “My mum doesn’t remember him.”

  Nathan scrunches up his nose. He looks adorable. “That just seems like an excuse to me. Maybe he was married and she was ashamed. Maybe she was attacked… but I doubt she’d forget the face of the man who gave her you.”

  “I’ve thought this myself, but she’s adamant that she doesn’t remember him. A drunken one night stand apparently. I’m not that interested anyway. I used to be, but now I’m happy with what I’ve got. Sometimes the grass isn’t always greener.”

  A wicked grin spreads his lips. “The grass will always be greener on our side of the fence, Gwen. You’ll see.”

  “I don’t have to see. I already know.”

  “Go on, Dillan awaits. I’ll follow you shortly.”

  “Hey Nath?”

  He brushes his fingers over my arm. “Yes Gwen?”

  “Tell me to tell you that I love you.”

  The browns in his eyes twinkle with warmth. “Tell me you love me.”

  “I love you.”

  “Good.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” I can see the uncertainty and sorrow in my mum’s eyes. I nod in response. “You know you can come back whenever you like.” Her eyes darken. “Whenever you like.”