Connected

by A. E. Murphy

  “You never did. You got the money, but you didn’t give it to me.”

  “No Gwen… I didn’t, but...”

  “Why didn’t you give me the will? Why did you take me to live with you?”

  He gulps, his hands sliding up and down the sides of my thighs. “I knew that if I gave you it, I’d probably never see you again.”

  Oh my god. “You sick bastard!” I throw his hands away from me, my mouth open in horror. “What the hell were you thinking?”

  “I know… It was a selfish choice, but I always looked after you both. You can’t deny that it was the right choice.”

  Is he hearing himself? Am I hearing him right? “Your brother died and you moved in on his girl not two weeks later!”

  “It wasn’t like that!” He shouts desperately. “It was never like that.”

  “No?” I laugh coldly. “What was it like?” I push myself to my feet and walk towards the window. “Did you get what you wanted?”

  He follows me, his hand resting on my shoulder. “I stayed away from you. I didn’t try anything with you at all.”

  “That’s a lie!” I yell, turning to face him, my body trembling with fury and embarrassment. “You tried to kiss me only a month after he died.”

  He looks puzzled for a moment and then his eyes widen with realisation. His mouth opens, but he realises he can’t say anything because it’s true. I was sleeping at the time, but I woke up and felt him hovering over me.

  “You’re just as sick as he is.” I whisper, ignoring the hurt in his eyes. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”

  “Please, let me explain. When you’ve calmed down, let me explain.” No, I don’t care how sad you sound. I don’t want to listen.

  “I don’t want an explanation. You can’t explain this… it’s sick. It’s fucking twisted.” I shout, my vision blurring as tears pool before spilling over. I dash them away angrily, glaring at Nathan who looks as devastated as I feel. “It’s my life he ruined! For what?”

  “You got Dillan…”

  “You knew! All along you knew what he was planning to do. You knew… and you didn’t say anything, you didn’t stop it. Why?” I sob this last word, my knees shaking, wanting to give in and fall to the ground. “Why wouldn’t you stop him?”

  He takes a step towards me, his eyes wet. “He was my brother; he was happy. I wanted him to have that. He’d been sick most of his life and finally he was happy. He promised me he wouldn’t do it. He said he loved you.”

  “Don’t start lying now. I’m not stupid. You knew when he died I’d have nobody. If I was pregnant with nothing and no one, you’d have the perfect chance to swoop in and save the day.”

  “That’s not what it was like!” His voice is desperate. He drops down onto his knees in front of me. “I didn’t make that decision until I saw you…”

  “You need to leave,” I mutter, sitting on the chair Sasha vacated. My legs just can’t hold me up anymore.

  We’re at eye level, but I feel nothing. That hole that Nathan filled, it’s a hole again. “Please, Gwen, we can get through this… All I’m guilty of is not telling the truth, that’s it. I had nothing to do with any of it.”

  “This isn’t like you’ve walked into a shop, seen somebody steal and haven’t said anything, Nathan. This is a man, purposely getting a woman pregnant, purposely ruining her life for the sole reason that he didn’t want to die without leaving something behind.” I laugh angrily. “What kind of twisted thought is that?”

  “He wasn’t right in the head, I know this… He’d been sick all of his life. I didn’t know what to do, Gwen.”

  “So instead of stopping it and warning me, you take me in and help me raise his child?”

  “It wasn’t like that.”

  “So you keep saying.”

  “I swear it. I love you. I love you so damn much. You and Dillan are all I have. I can’t lose you.” He drops his head into my lap. “I can’t bear it.”

  “Then you’ll know how I felt when he died and left me with nothing.”

  “Gwen.”

  I stand and make my way to the hallway, needing as much distance between us as possible.

  “Please. Don’t leave me. I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry. I know I should have… could have done something. I didn’t. But I will, from here on, I promise you I will never stop making you happy. I’ll never stop trying to give you the life you deserve. We’re perfect together; don’t you see that?”

  I should feel something when I see a tear fall from his eye. I don’t.

  Numbness is the only thing that’s inside me right now.

  “Gwen, I’ll leave. I’ll give you space to… to calm down. We’ll talk tomorrow.” He looks hopeful, even when his voice breaks, showing the sadness he feels.

  “I don’t want to talk,” I say calmly, my voice almost robotic. “I never want to talk to you again.”

  He inhales a sharp breath, his body heaving slightly as his hands cup my cheeks. No more tears spill down them. Only a dry layer of the liquid sorrow remains and I swear to myself that these drying tears will be the last I ever shed for Caleb. “Don’t say that. You’ll change your mind. We can work this out.”

  “We can’t.”

  “We can,” he implores, pressing his forehead against mine.

  “We can’t.”

  “Yes.” He nods, closing his eyes for another brief moment. “We can.”

  “Stop!” I scream, shoving him away from me. “I forgave you… for everything you did to me. I did nothing wrong! Nothing! And you threw me away like I was nothing. But I forgave you.”

  “I know and I’m grateful for that, truly I am.”

  “I wasn’t going to keep him.” I whisper, tears stinging my cheeks.

  “What?”

  I shake my head, trying to empty my mind, trying to relieve the ache that is torturing my body. “Dillan. I wasn’t going to keep him!”

  “You love Dillan,” he says warily.

  “But if you’d have told me, I wouldn’t have kept him. I would have finished university. I’d have a life, a proper career. I wouldn’t feel like this now!

  He grips me by my shoulders and shakes me. “Gwen, you love Dillan. This isn’t his fault. Blame me, blame my brother, don’t resent him.”

  “I…” A sob tears through me. “I can’t be here anymore. I need to go.”

  “Gwen, please,” he begs, following me up the stairs.

  I enter the bedroom, startling Sasha who is playing with Dillan on our bed… no, not our bed, but Nathan’s bed. I head to the closet and grab a small suitcase. I just need the bare essentials. I can get the rest another day.

  “Pack some things for him in the nursery please Sasha, just the essentials.” I say coldly. “You owe me that much.”

  She nods and leaves the room quietly, with Dillan in her arms.

  “Don’t go,” he begs, watching helplessly as I grab as many items as I think I’ll need.

  “I’m leaving.” I say, throwing clothes into the case. “I never should have come back. I should never have forgiven you.”

  He stares at me from the middle of the room, his eyes flicking between me and the case.

  “You’re being irrational,” he snaps. “You don’t need to leave. We can work through this. This isn’t fair on Dillan.”

  I freeze, my numbness vanishing and my anger reaching the red zone. My temper takes a hold of me, squeezing at me until I pop. Before I realise what I’ve done, I see Nathan duck and hear a smash when Caleb’s photo from the nightstand hits the wall behind Nathan.

  I don’t stop to take note of what I’ve done. I don’t stop when I place my hands on Nathan’s chest and shove him. Then I shove him again, my chest burning with overexertion and emotion.

  “Do you know what’s not fair on Dillan?” I shout, shoving him again. “Growing up without a father! You and Caleb did that to him!” My hands push against his chest again. He goes back a step. “He’ll never know what an amazing man his father w
as… but then again… he was never an amazing man anyway! He was a fucking liar. Just like you!”

  His back hits the wall, but I don’t stop shoving. My arms keep moving until I’m pounding on his chest.

  “Gwen,” he says, wrapping his arms around me and pinning me to him. “Christ Gwen, I’m so sorry.”

  “Let go of me!” I shout, finally pulling free and taking a few steps away from him, my chest heaving and my lungs burning. “Don’t touch me.” He withdraws the hand he was about to place on my shoulder.

  “Dillan has you; he has me. You know I love him like he’s my own. I’ll never let him go without.”

  I stare at him incredulously and turn back to my bag, muttering, “You’ll be lucky.”

  “Gwen, you can’t take him away from me.”

  I don’t respond. I keep piling things into my suitcase. Just before I grab the zip, it goes sailing across the room. Déjà vu. My clothes scatter on the ground as I stand staring at the now empty spot on the bed.

  Nathan grabs me by the shoulder and pushes me against the wall, effectively caging me in with both arms. “You’re not taking him away from me. I will fight for him.”

  “He’s not yours Nathan. You have zero rights to him and you know it.” I snap, trying to duck under his arm, but his quick reflexes catch what I’m doing almost before I know I’m doing it. His hand presses against my shoulder, holding me in place.

  “Please,” he says softly. “If I lose you, he’s all I have. He’s still my son. I’ve still been there for him. I’m the one who’s raised him with you.”

  “Right… because you’re so stable? What kind of mother would I be if I let my son be raised by a freak like you?”

  He gasps and takes an involuntary step back. “You’re just saying that to hurt me.”

  “It’s true, isn’t it?” I kick the suitcase across the floor.

  “No… I’m good to Dillan. I’m good to you! What does it matter how we began? It’s what we are now that matters!”

  “If this were a fairy tale I’d believe you.” I laugh humourlessly. “This… this is just a nightmare.”

  “I don’t want you to go. I’ve made the mistake of letting you go before.”

  I stare at him, my mouth hanging open. “You didn’t let me go! You forced me!”

  “And it was the biggest mistake of my life,” he shouts and stalks towards me, forcing me to move backwards like a mouse away from a cat. “I made a mistake. I should have told you the truth. I know that and there isn’t a second that goes by that I don’t wish I had. Haven’t you ever made a mistake Gwen? One you wished you could take back?”

  I inhale a shuddering breath. “Yes. You. You’re the biggest mistake of my life. I should never have let you in.”

  He nods, his bottom lip vanishing behind his teeth. “You don’t really mean that.”

  “You don’t know what I mean, or how I feel,” I spit, grabbing the front of his shirt. “You’ve never loved anyone or anything in your entire life. And the two people you claim to love you let someone fuck them over.”

  His jaw clenches. “Before Dillan was born and before I fell in love with you.”

  “Why do you look mad at me?” I scoff. “How can you be mad at me?”

  “I’m not mad at you!” He groans, gripping his hair with both hands. “I’m mad at me, at… at this stupid situation.”

  “Stupid? You think this is stupid?” What the hell?

  “Yes,” he snaps, his eyes narrowing. “I think it’s extremely stupid.”

  “I don’t want to talk anymore,” I state tiredly and move over to the bed. I sit immediately and rub my eyes. I feel nothing. Doesn’t he even care?

  “I know you’re upset,” he begins, making me snort. Upset? I think I’m far worse than just upset. “But none of it matters anymore. We can’t change it. I can’t; you can’t; Dillan can’t. It’s happened. It’s in the past.” He’s kidding… right? “It’s not worth this.”

  I don’t even know what to say to that, so I say nothing. I just stare at him with blank eyes and parted lips.

  “I should have told you. It was wrong that I didn’t.” He drops down to his knees and tilts his head so he can look in my eyes. “But we love each other. And we have Dillan. You chose me. You forgave me once. Things have turned out okay; look around you.” He motions to the room with his hands. “We have a nice house, a gorgeous son, good jobs and we love each other. We can get through this.” His gloved hands cover mine on my lap. I resist the urge to pull them free. Another tear falls from my eye. He quickly wipes it away with his thumb and keeps his palm against my cheek. “I will never let you down again. Ever. You have my word.”

  “You’ve already promised that,” I whisper, wanting to hear his words and absorb them. God, I want them to take away the pain so badly. “You’ve promised that twice, and this is the second time you’ve broken it. This is the second time you’ve broken me.”

  “Not intentionally. All of the hurt you’re feeling now is because of my inaction over a year ago.” His finger gently presses against the underside of my chin, effectively raising my face to see his. “I’d rather die than let anything hurt you now.”

  There’s a knock at the bedroom door a few seconds before Sasha walks in. She glances at us both, but speaks to Nathan instead of me. “Dillan fell asleep. I put him back to bed. He’s been fed and changed.”

  “Thank you,” Nathan responds, his eyes never leaving me. “Sasha, you may leave.”

  She stands in the doorway for a long moment, seeming unsure about which option to take. Finally she nods. “I’ll call you… or you call me when you want to talk, okay Gwen?”

  “She will,” Nathan tells her and lets out a breath when she closes the door. He loosens his tie and pulls it from around his neck. On any other day I’d be shocked at him throwing it across the room. “You must be exhausted. You haven’t slept all night.” His voice is soft, soothing. I hate it. “You need to sleep; both of us do.”

  Sleep? How can he think of that right now? I’ve just had my entire world torn apart, stamped on and thrown into a raging fire!

  But I just don’t have the energy to argue, even though my brain refuses to compute the fact that my body is exhausted.

  “And then in the morning we’ll talk.” He shrugs off his jacket and throws that in the direction of his tie.

  His hands go to my shoes. He tugs on the laces and takes them off, one foot at a time. My shoes soon follow the path of his jacket. When he reaches for the button of my jeans, I stop him and shake my head.

  “You can’t sleep in your clothes Guinevere,” he admonishes, trying for the button again. I push his hands away. He sighs deeply but doesn’t push me again. “We’ll get through this.” His voice is a whisper as his hands grip my hips and pull me to the edge of the bed.

  His arm goes under my knees as the other goes around my back and he moves around the bed, placing me on the cool mattress. As soon as my head touches the pillow, the exhaustion I feel really settles in. It’s disorienting being this tired while it’s light outside.

  Nathan soon joins me, wearing nothing but his boxers and gloves.

  He immediately turns towards me, his arm trying to take its usual place beneath my neck. Shrugging him away, I move to the edge of the bed, needing my space right now. Clearly not taking the hint, he moves closer and slides his other arm over me.

  When I feel his lips travel up the curve of my neck, I stiffen and stop breathing. At first I think he’s just trying to comfort me, but when his hand wraps around my breast and his teeth nip at the lobe of my ear, I realise my original thought was wrong, very wrong.

  “What are you doing?” I hiss, rolling onto my back.

  “I don’t know,” he admits, shaking his head. “I don’t know what you want me to do.”

  “I want you to leave me alone,” I bite out, rolling back onto my side.

  His voice is quiet when he responds. “I don’t know how to leave you alone.”

 
; “Then learn, and do it quickly.”

  He moves away and I can tell by the pull of the blanket that he’s lying on his back. “I love you, Gwen.”

  Squeezing my eyes tight, I will sleep to claim me. It does, but not before I felt his hand touch my hair, and not before I heard him let out a sound that can only be described as a choked whimper.

  Still, I felt nothing.

  CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

  My eyes are stinging when I wake up. I must look a mess, but I can’t muster up the energy to care. I climb from the empty bed and make my way towards the bathroom. A shower is needed desperately right now.

  The water hasn’t even turned warm before I’m standing under the heavy spray. My eyes squeeze shut and my mouth parts so I can breathe. Every move I make seems to cause my body unimaginable strain. I’ve only felt like this once before; that was after Caleb died and I stayed in bed for three days.

  When out of the shower I quickly get dressed, not even bothering to match my clothes. Who cares about matched clothes at this time? It’s pointless. I don’t even bother to dry my hair; I just run a towel over it and pull it up into a bun.

  “I think Mummy is awake,” I hear Nathan say from the kitchen as I make my way downstairs. I follow the sounds of Dillan’s babbles and smile at his chubby face smiling at the sight of me. He’s always happy to see me, always. Nathan looks at me over his shoulder. “I made breakfast.” He looks at the clock on the wall above the table and winces. “Well, lunch.”

  I peer around him and try to find some kind of emotion, maybe shock, when I note that he’s in the process of making scrambled eggs and bacon.

  “Sit,” he orders softly. I do and he starts shifting food from pans onto a plate, before bringing it over to me with a glass of juice.