Just like delicate snowflakes, Ethan’s hopes for his friendship with Fran melted away. Some things were too difficult to hold on to.
* * *
Fran stood outside Ethan’s front door, her heart pounding and her mind racing. She’d driven home from Newquay earlier with a heavy heart and when she’d got home she’d cried her eyes out. She felt awful for running off and leaving Ethan but she’d panicked and it had seemed like the only option at the time. Now, though, she realised that it had been completely the wrong thing to do. Ethan must have been distraught wondering where she’d gone. The battery on her phone had died but when she’d charged it, she saw that she had several missed calls from Ethan and it dawned on her exactly how worried he must have been.
So now she had come to apologise and to try to explain. Holly had told her to tell Ethan the truth about the pregnancy and now she felt that it was either that or lose him completely. She could only hope that he would understand and accept her apology.
She took a deep breath and knocked on the door, then stood back and waited. Being here at Rosewood like this was strange because usually she’d be going to the tea shop or to see Audrey about an order. Ethan’s cottage was set back behind the tea shop, so it was quite private, but even so, she wondered if someone might see her and wonder what she was doing here.
Calling on a friend!
The voice in her head came from out of nowhere but it made her smile. It was true… she was calling on a friend. But in the next instant she stopped grinning at the thought that he was a friend who might hate her now and with good reason.
The door swung inwards and Ethan stood in front of her. His face was pale, his hair was a mess and he looked exhausted.
‘Oh!’ He frowned and pushed his hands back through his hair. ‘Sorry, I wasn’t expecting to see you, Fran.’
‘I should have called.’ She sighed. ‘But I worried that if I did you’d tell me not to come and I really needed to come and see you and to… Ethan, I need to apologise and to explain why I behaved as I did.’
His face changed before her eyes as he clearly tried to process what she’d just said.
‘You don’t owe me anything, Fran, it’s fine. Honestly. I was a bit surprised when you ran off but I feel like an idiot for taking you to a baby shop in the first place. It was too much too soon and I understand.’
‘No. You don’t.’ Her tone was abrupt and she shook her head. ‘What I mean is that… it’s complicated.’
‘Okay.’
‘Can I come in? Please? I’d prefer to discuss this privately.’
‘Yes, of course. Sorry.’
He stepped back and she entered the hallway. The cottage smelt of toast and coffee and something else – it was like a magnification of Ethan’s scent, a combination of his soap, fabric conditioner and cologne. It was comforting and uplifting and it made her yearn for a hug. What if she never got to hug him again, to feel his strong arms holding her, his breath tickling her cheek? The thought made her crumble inside. How would she cope without his kindness, his friendship and just knowing that he was there, not far away? She’d known him for just weeks but those weeks had been intense, packed with emotions she’d never felt before, and the thought of losing everything that she felt for him was unbearable.
‘Come on through to the lounge.’
Ethan closed the door then led the way.
‘Can I get you anything?’ he asked. ‘A tea, coffee or water?’
‘No, thank you.’ She looked around. ‘Where’s Tilly?’
‘She’s with Audrey. She’ll be home later.’
‘Right.’
That was good; it meant they had time to talk.
Fran perched on the edge of the sofa and Ethan sat on the chair opposite.
‘I’ve never had a conversation like this,’ she said as she rubbed her palms on her knees. ‘It’s so difficult.’
‘What do you mean?’ he asked.
‘Well… a relationship conversation. Not that we have a relationship as such, but we have a friendship and… and…’ She tapped her knees. ‘See what I mean? I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing, then my mouth runs away with me and it’s like… blah blah blah… shut up, Fran!’
Ethan watched her, his expression neutral, and she wished she knew what he was thinking. Was that hatred in his eyes already, or pity or apathy?
‘Fran… I really am sorry. It was insensitive of me to take you to a baby shop. I thought about it afterwards and I should know better. Some people are really superstitious and worry that they’ll get excited then something will go wrong with the pregnancy and… and—’
‘I’m not pregnant!’
His mouth fell open.
‘What?’ He frowned, then his eyes widened. ‘I am so, so sorry. When did it… happen?’
‘Why are you sorry? When did what happen?’
‘Have you… did you…’ He covered his mouth and shook his head. ‘You’ve lost the baby?’
‘No. It’s not that, Ethan.’ Fran ground her teeth together. This was getting worse. ‘I never was pregnant.’
He tilted his head to one side then the other, then he stood up and shook his head before sitting down again.
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Ethan… It was all a big misunderstanding.’
‘But the positive pregnancy test at the tea shop.’
‘It wasn’t mine.’
‘Then why did you… who did you… what was it doing…’ His eyes flickered around the room as he tried to digest the information.
‘Look… it was never meant to go this far—’
‘What was it? Some kind of horrible, sick joke?’ He stared at her, his eyes filled with horror.
‘Of course not!’
‘Then what the hell, Fran?’
‘It was Holly’s test.’
‘Holly?’
‘Yes, she’s pregnant. She did the test at the tea shop and I was the only person who knew at the time. Rich knows now, but no one else. See… she’s getting married soon and her grandmother has been unwell and she didn’t want everyone to know and for it to overshadow the wedding… and so on… so I agreed to let people think it was me.’
‘But…’ He rubbed his eyes. ‘That doesn’t make any sense. I can understand that Holly and Rich might want to keep it quiet until after the wedding, but for you to pretend that you were pregnant and to deceive so many people…’
‘Looking back on it now, no, it doesn’t make sense and it has gone way too far, but I never thought we’d get on so well or that you would be so sweet and caring or that… that I’d like you as much as I do.’
‘When were you going to tell me the truth?’
‘As soon as I could.’
‘I feel so stupid. I fell for it all. I believed in you, Fran. I believed in us.’
‘I am so sorry, Ethan. You’re not stupid at all. Why wouldn’t you have believed me? I wanted to tell you before but I also felt the need to protect Holly. If I’d told you and you’d told someone else, then it would have got round the village and Holly would have had even more on her plate than she already does. If she’d lost the baby then her granny would have had to deal with that and she’s already so fragile… I care about Holly and her family; I’ve known them all my life. It just seemed easier to let people think it was me then to clear it up after the wedding.’
‘Right.’
Ethan leant on his knees, his eyes fixed on a spot on the floor.
‘Ethan?’
He didn’t reply.
‘Do you hate me now?’
‘You’re definitely not pregnant?’
‘No, I’m not.’
‘And you never were.’
‘No.’
‘Right.’ He nodded but didn’t raise his eyes.
‘Can’t you even look at me now?’ She could hear the pain in her own voice.
‘I just… I need some time to process this. I thought I’d upset you, Fran, that I’d done something awful in
taking you to the baby shop and that… that I was in the wrong. I felt bloody dreadful. And all the time, you were lying to me.’
‘Not just to you. It was stupid, I know, so very stupid, but I did it with good intentions.’
He looked up now and his green eyes were cold and hard, as if a shutter had come down or he’d flicked a switch. They weren’t the eyes she knew and adored. The eyes she had wanted to lose herself in. The eyes of the man she was beginning to love.
‘I… I need some time, Fran. This is all rather… confusing.’
‘Of course.’ Her throat burned and her eyes stung as she pushed herself up to her feet. ‘I was torn, Ethan. I’ve known Holly my whole life. She’s my best friend. You have become a good friend to me and I…’ I have other feelings for you. ‘I…’ She couldn’t get the words out; they threatened to choke her with their significance and their impact. Even if she uttered them now, would it make any difference? She couldn’t see how and the fear of what the rejection would do to her if she did tell him and he turned her away made her tremble. ‘I’ll go.’
She left the room, and in the hallway she sucked in deep breaths, trying to regain her composure before leaving the cottage. The pain in her chest was horrendous; she’d never hurt like this before. Was this heartbreak then? Had she lost Ethan’s friendship, respect and any chance of anything more because she’d been protecting another friend? She hadn’t wanted to deceive him but it seemed that she’d really hurt him by doing so.
A knock at the door made her jump and she gasped as the door opened and Tilly walked in with Audrey. Fran quickly wiped her face and dragged a smile to her lips. She felt that she must look like a ventriloquist’s dummy, the smile on her face frozen and fake. As fake as her pregnancy had been.
‘Oh, hello, Fran!’ Audrey beamed at her. ‘I wasn’t expecting to see you here. I have a key, obviously, but I usually knock first. In future, I’ll make sure to knock and wait.’ She winked.
‘Hello, Audrey. No, please don’t do that on my account. I… uh… was dropping something off for Ethan. He put it in my bag by mistake when we were at the Christmas market this morning.’
‘I see.’ Audrey nodded, her eyes wide. She clearly thought there was more to this than Fran was letting on.
‘There’s my girl!’ Ethan had appeared in the lounge doorway and he scooped Tilly up into a hug, burying his face in her hair.
‘Daddy! Why are you hugging me so tight? Did you miss me so much?’ Tilly giggled as she patted Ethan’s shoulder.
‘I’ll… uh… be going now.’ Fran stepped out of the open door. ‘See you soon.’
She gave a brief wave and Tilly and Audrey waved back, but even though he had raised his head, Ethan kept his eyes on his daughter.
Fran hurried along the path out of the gate to her car, biting her lip until she tasted blood to stop the tears from falling. She had messed up big time and she had no one to blame but herself. It was time to go home to her animals where she wouldn’t hurt anyone or upset anyone and where she felt safe. She clearly wasn’t any good at this relationship business and that was why she’d remained largely single for thirty-one years. It was how she intended to stay.
It seemed that even if she had wished otherwise, it wouldn’t change a thing.
* * *
Ethan kissed Tilly’s forehead then padded out of her room. She’d fallen asleep as he was reading her a second story. Audrey and Scarlett must have tired her out and he was grateful because he needed some time to think.
All evening, he’d tried to push Fran from his thoughts but it wasn’t easy. Her sad indigo eyes and trembling hands kept popping into his mind and tugging at his heart, and her explanation was like a merry-go-round in his brain. She hadn’t wanted to lie, hadn’t intended on deceiving him. She’d been protecting her friend, the woman she’d known and cared about since childhood. It all made sense when he thought about it rationally and yet… The fact that she’d deceived him stung.
Ethan knew why. He had his own issues and the feelings he was developing for Fran made him vulnerable. He didn’t like being vulnerable and the thought of being hurt scared him, but even more, the thought that Tilly could be hurt terrified him. Fran had reasons for what she’d done but Ethan didn’t know if he could get past the fact that she hadn’t been open and honest with him. He wouldn’t hold it against her, but whether he could open his heart to her now – even as a friend – was something he didn’t know.
Also… the fact that she wasn’t pregnant changed things completely. Ethan had wanted to be there for her, to help and support her in any way he could, but she wasn’t pregnant and there was no absent father. The Fran he had known didn’t exist; she had deceived him and he would need to get to know her all over again. She wasn’t about to begin a journey as a single mother; in fact, she was as free as anyone could be. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that because it was a whole different situation to the one that they’d been in before. Fran wasn’t having a child, so surely their situation was less complicated? And that was actually quite scary. One of the major reasons why Ethan believed he couldn’t become involved with Fran had disappeared in the blink of an eye and now…
What now?
He really didn’t know.
Ethan still had Tilly to think about. He no longer knew if Fran could be trusted. He wanted to believe what she’d said about protecting Holly and not wanting to deceive him. But believing her meant opening himself up to the possibility of loss or pain, as well as placing Tilly in a very risky position. Tilly’s mother had let her down. Would Fran let her down too?
He had no idea what to do.
So perhaps it was better to do nothing and just let things work themselves out in whatever way was best. His mother would have said, What will be will be… and more than ever before, Ethan wanted to try to trust that she was right.
Chapter 17
Sundays could be delightfully relaxing affairs when the only person you had to please was yourself, but this particular Sunday was one of the worst Fran had ever experienced. After the disastrous way yesterday’s shopping trip had ended, she’d fallen into a fitful sleep filled with nightmares about searching for Ethan and Tilly and being unable to find them. Every time she’d woken, she’d longed to find a warm solid presence next to her in bed so she could snuggle close and feel less alone, but, of course, she was alone.
She had finally dragged herself out of bed at five a.m. and trudged down the stairs to make coffee and to watch the sunrise through her kitchen window. The dogs had fussed around her, sniffing at her hands and feet and trying to comfort her, and she’d hugged them all in turn and thanked them for their love. But try as she might, she couldn’t get Ethan from her mind, couldn’t stop wondering what he was thinking today and if he hated her as he had every right to do.
The gifts she had bought for Tilly were on the kitchen table and it hurt to look at them, but it also gave her an idea. She wanted to give Tilly the stationery for Christmas, but on its own, it didn’t look like much. Ethan had said that Tilly had always wanted a dog, and although Fran couldn’t actually give her a real dog, she could give her something quite close to it.
‘Come here, boy.’ She held out a hand to the small white Westie and he plodded over and sniffed it then gave her palm a lick.
‘How do you fancy posing for me?’
He gazed up at her, his eyes filled with trust and love and she scooped him up and hugged him to her chest.
‘You are a lovely boy and you deserve all the kindness a person can give. You’re safe here now and I promise that you’ll never be scared or lonely again.’
For a moment, Fran wondered if she was echoing her own feelings, possibly even projecting them onto the dog, but then, he’d been through such a lot and even if she couldn’t cure her own heartbreak, she could help him to overcome his.
Ten minutes later, she’d settled him in a basket in front of the Aga and she sat in front of him, cross-legged on the floor with an A3 sketch pad in fron
t of her. She worked quickly, her hand holding the pencil almost independently of her body, so used to drawing that it flew across the page sketching the dog’s outline.
Soon, the lines on the page started to take shape and the image of the dog in his basket became clear. She could see his small black nose, his fluffy ears and his brown button eyes, open to keep an eye on her and to ensure that she remained close. It was all that this little dog wanted; to be loved and cared for and to love and care for his owner in return. Such simple needs and ones that Fran wanted to fulfil for him.
As she made smaller, lighter strokes with the pencil to add depth to his fur, a snuffling at the back of her neck made her giggle and she turned to find Crosby, her large golden lab, right behind her.
‘What are you up to, Crosby?’
The dog’s tail wagged in wide arcs and Fran giggled, feeling her sadness lift for a moment.
‘Sit next me then, Crosby, and let’s see if we can get this portrait of our little boy right, shall we?’
Crosby sat next to Fran on the tiles and she continued to draw, knowing that although she felt an emptiness, a space in her life where Ethan had been, she would always have the love and devotion of her furry family members. They understood her in ways that it seemed many people never would.
She had thought that perhaps Ethan was the exception, but she’d destroyed the chance of finding out if she was right by hurting him. A tear plopped onto the paper and she sniffed then wiped the tear away. She wanted this portrait to be created with love and happiness, not tears and pain, so it was time to pull herself together and accept that although she had done wrong, she could not control how things would work out from this point on. All she could do was be kind and caring and show love and understanding, just as her dogs always seemed to do.
* * *
‘So what’s the occasion?’ Fran asked the following day as she stood in the lounge of the house at Greenacres. In the corner, an artificial but incredibly realistic-looking tree stood on a festive mat, its branches adorned with small white lights that twinkled in the afternoon gloom.
The Christmas Tea Shop at Rosewood Page 20
