Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  Natalie shook her head and wiped her tears. Offering a brave smile, she slipped her arm around Dash. “I’m just happy for you. You’ve been wanting to meet your father for a long time, and now he’s here.”

  Dash eyed me with suspicion, like it was my fault for making Natalie cry. I suppose in some ways it was, but after finding out about Dash, I wanted to set aside my issues with Natalie and move forward.

  “Dash, what would you think about hanging out with me sometime?” I heard the uncertainty in my voice, but I pressed forward. “We could catch a Warriors game or go to the beach or . . .” I paused, realizing I had no idea what my son was interested in, besides basketball of course.

  Dash suddenly grew shy and scooted closer to Natalie. Natalie brushed back his hair. “I think going to a game with Gage would be really nice, Dash. What do you think?”

  He studied his mother carefully. “Why are you sad?” His voice was barely above a whisper.

  “I’m just happy you finally got to meet your dad.”

  “And that makes you sad?”

  She wiped her eyes. “Oh, Dash.”

  My insides knotted, and I pressed a hand into my chest. I’d forgotten about this ache that came from caring too much.

  Sure, I cared about the people in my life like the kids at the gym and my friends, but I never allowed myself to care about anybody like I’d once cared about Natalie. Pain like that was akin to walking through broken glass. Something I had no intention of doing again.

  I’d have to be careful with Dash. For that matter, I’d have to be careful with Natalie as well. I wanted to own up to my responsibilities, but I wasn’t going to allow my heart to be shredded again.

  Chapter 13

  Natalie – 2017

  It was late by the time Gage finally left that night. Dash was so wound up I didn’t think he’d ever calm down.

  “You know what would help me sleep?” he said as I tucked him into bed.

  “Reading a chapter from the Bigsby Chronicles?”

  “I was going to say more cobbler, but reading would be okay. We didn’t get to read tonight because I was too busy finding out about Coach being my dad. I still can’t believe it.”

  I gazed down at my beautiful son. All I ever wanted was his health, safety, and happiness. At this moment, he had all three. “You’re pretty excited about everything, aren’t you?”

  “Of course, I’m excited. I’ve always wanted a dad, especially one who could teach me basketball and take me to the beach.”

  I tried to ease my overwhelming guilt by telling myself the past was the past. If I could go back in time and erase my mistakes, I would, but there was nothing I could do about that now.

  Grabbing the book from the nightstand, I settled next to Dash on the bed. As I read, I heard myself saying the words aloud, but my mind was miles away.

  How was I supposed to concentrate after everything that happened tonight? I hadn’t even told Dash the worst part yet. When he found out what I’d done to earn my conviction—

  Dash placed a hand on my arm. “Mom?”

  “Yes?”

  He hesitated. “Do you think you and Coach will get married again?”

  My heart sank. “No, honey.”

  “Why not?”

  I exhaled slowly. “For a lot of reasons I don’t want to go into tonight.”

  “Oh. Will you tell me tomorrow?”

  “I’ll tell you soon, okay?

  He nodded, and I returned to the book. After a few more pages, he told me I could stop reading. “I can tell you’re not really into it.”

  I closed the book. “I’m sorry.”

  “That’s okay. I’m a little distracted, too.” He scooted down in the bed and pulled the covers over his shoulders. “It’s been quite the day, hasn’t it?”

  I smiled at the way his voice sounded just like mine sometimes. “Yes, it’s been quite the day.” Leaning over, I kissed the top of his head. “I love you, honey. Sleep tight.”

  “Love you, too, Mom.”

  As I turned off the light and left his room, I knew things would never be the same between us. From this point forward, Gage would be part of Dash’s life.

  During my short stay in San Francisco, I knew they would do father-son things that wouldn’t include me. Then, when I left . . . well, that was only the beginning of the changes to come.

  Chapter 14

  Natalie – 2007

  At work the next day, I showed off my ring and told everyone about Gage’s proposal. Some of my coworkers weren’t too impressed that Gage had asked me at the diner instead of a more sophisticated location, but I was thrilled by his proposal. I was a simple girl with simple tastes.

  Besides, the diner was special to me. Many of my best conversations with Gage had taken place there, not to mention our first date.

  Janet asked where Gage and I were going to live once we were married. I honestly didn’t know. Would Gage want to move into Uncle Leo’s house, or would he insist on buying our own place?

  Uncle Leo really couldn’t live on his own anymore, and I didn’t like the idea of moving him into assisted living. He’d been in his little house since John F. Kennedy was president. It didn’t seem right to uproot him just because I was getting married. Maybe Gage and I could live there until we saved enough money to buy a bigger place for all of us.

  Regardless, I wasn’t too worried because I knew we’d figure it out. The thing that did worry me, however, was my constant pain as a result of the accident.

  Although I faithfully did my physical therapy exercises each morning, the only thing that truly eased my pain was the prescription the doctor had given me when I’d first been injured. Technically, I wasn’t supposed to take those pills while working, but sometimes my discomfort was so intense, I had to pop one just to get through my shift.

  When I ran out, I made an appointment with my doctor. “You really shouldn’t be on that anymore,” he said during my exam.

  “It’s the only thing that works, and I only take it when I can’t sleep.” I hated lying to him, but I needed that prescription refilled. If he understood the intensity of my pain, it wouldn’t be a problem.

  “I’ll prescribe you something else,” he said, reaching for his prescription pad.

  I shook my head. “It’s not going to work. Can’t you just refill the prescription one last time? I promise I won’t ask you to do it again.”

  He gave a deep sigh. “I’ll give you a few more, but that’s all I can do. It’s not safe to take this long-term.”

  “Thank you,” I said, feeling relieved.

  He handed me the prescription. “Don’t take this on days you have to work. This is just so you can sleep.”

  “Okay.” Thanking the doctor, I left the office. As I rode the elevator down to the pharmacy, I saw he’d given me just eight pills. Eight pills weren’t enough.

  I did a quick calculation in my head and realized I needed at least ten more. I wasn’t addicted, but because I’d been taking the prescription regularly, I needed to slowly wean myself off the pills. Abruptly quitting any medication wasn’t good for the body, after all.

  Before I could second-guess myself, I whipped out my pen and added a one in front of the eight, increasing the number of pills to eighteen. Guilt sickened me, but I promised myself this would be the only time. I’d never do it again.

  It really wasn’t that big of a deal. Doctors didn’t always understand the practical side of medicine. While they consulted books and studies, nurses were the ones with firsthand knowledge of how drugs actually worked with patients.

  Besides, I was certain I could find another doctor willing to refill my prescription. I just didn’t have time to make an appointment and drive all over town looking for one.

  At the pharmacy, I submitted my prescription and tried not to look nervous. The pharmacist told me it would be just a minute, so I took a seat on the hard plastic chair and waited.

  Suddenly, I was hit by the realization of what I was
doing. I’d always been such an honest person. What had possessed me to change a doctor’s prescription?

  If the pharmacist suspected the order and called the doctor, there could be serious repercussions. Standing, I headed for the door. Before I could leave, my name was called over the loudspeaker. I hesitated, afraid. Then, plastering a smile to my face, I strode to the counter and paid for my prescription as the pharmacist informed me of all the side effects.

  “So, you shouldn’t drive or operate heavy machinery while on this medication,” she said, handing me my receipt. “Do you have any questions?”

  I shook my head and took my little white bag out to the car, expecting to be caught any minute. As soon as I sat in the driver’s seat, I locked the doors. With my heart racing, I ripped open the bag and popped two pills, swallowing them without water.

  Shame and guilt washed over me, but I told myself my body had built up a tolerance, so taking two pills during the day was like somebody else taking half a pill before bed.

  It was going to be okay. Starting tomorrow, I’d slowly wean myself off the medication as planned. Quitting today wasn’t an option, but tomorrow, things would be better.

  Chapter 15

  Gage – 2007

  On Tuesday, I drove out to talk to my parents about my engagement to Natalie. Before heading over to the house, I stopped at the store to buy a nice bottle of wine. Hopefully, the gesture would put my parents in a celebratory mood.

  On the way to the register, I ran into Charlie Murphy. Charlie was Sheela’s older brother and a good friend of mine.

  “How’s beautiful California?” I asked, shaking his hand.

  Charlie groaned. “I wouldn’t know. These days, I spend my time at the hospital, trying not to kill anyone.”

  I laughed. Charlie had recently finished medical school and was currently in residency. He’d planned on being a doctor ever since he was a little kid, and he’d worked hard to get there.

  Sheela came around the corner dressed in heels and a business suit. We greeted each other with a chaste hug.

  “Is that what teachers wear in the classroom these days?” I asked, thinking she looked extremely professional.

  “No, I had an interview today. I’m trying to get into administration.”

  “Good for you.” Sheela was a natural when it came to telling others what to do and how to do it. I could imagine her as a vice principal.

  “Yes, Luke has made me realize I’d be happier out of the classroom.”

  “Luke?” I asked.

  “My boyfriend.”

  “The architect?”

  “No, that was David. Luke is a venture capitalist.”

  “It’s hard to keep up with her relationships,” Charlie said, teasing. “If you want, I can send you the Excel spreadsheet I made.”

  Sheela shook her head at her brother. Then, she gestured at the bottle of wine in my hands. “Gearing up before visiting the parents?”

  “How’d you know?” I said, joking.

  “Trust me, Charlie and I have to drink whenever we come home, too.”

  I laughed. Sheela, Charlie, and I had similar backgrounds. We’d had a good childhood with lots of advantages, but our parents put tremendous pressure on us to succeed.

  From an early age, we’d been enrolled in extracurricular activities not for fun but to improve our chances of getting into the best private schools. Sports weren’t just a diversion, but a fierce competition which we were expected to win.

  Of course, I hadn’t understood this until I began working with Rhodes and the other kids at the center. Most of those kids lacked any kind of parental involvement. While Natalie’s uncle had been influential in her life, he hadn’t saddled her with the same kind of pressures Sheela, Charlie, and I had experienced.

  “So, what’s going on with you?” Charlie asked. “You look happy.”

  “I’m engaged.”

  “Really?” Charlie patted me on the back. “Congratulations, man.”

  Sheela raised her brow. “To Natalie?”

  “That’s right.” I puffed out my chest, daring her to say something bad about my future wife.

  “Do you know Gage’s Natalie?” Charlie asked.

  Sheela nodded. “We went to school together.”

  “She’s not the Natalie who saved your life at the party even though you spent the entire four years of high school torturing her, is she?”

  “I didn’t torture her.”

  “You accused her of stealing your stuff,” Charlie said.

  Sheela huffed. “Look, that was in high school and I’m sorry. I probably was too hard on Natalie. She seems like a sweet girl, and I enjoyed visiting with her at dinner the other night. I’ve just always been concerned about her background.”

  Charlie rolled his eyes. “I’m sure she appreciates your concern.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Sheela said, offended.

  Charlie glanced at me and winked. “I was just thinking that you often have concerns regarding other people’s lives. Honestly, how does the world exist without the great Sheela Murphy expressing her concern for things that are none of her business?”

  Sheela balled her hand into a fist and punched Charlie’s arm. “Ouch,” he said, laughing.

  Shaking her head, she glanced at me. “Aren’t you worried about Natalie’s background, Gage?”

  “I’m not worried,” I insisted. “I’m not even concerned.”

  Charlie and I shared a laugh as Sheela sighed. “I really do feel bad about accusing Natalie of stealing from me. Luke says I can be a little hard on people. I know Natalie saved my life at the party, but—”

  I placed a hand on Sheela’s arm. “Just leave it at that, okay? This is my fiancée you’re talking about. My future wife. You and I grew up with advantages that Natalie didn’t have, but she’s an incredible woman.”

  “And you love her,” Charlie said, his tone intense.

  I grinned. “Yeah, I love her.”

  Sheela was quiet for a minute. Then, she lifted her chin. “If you love her, Gage, that’s all that matters. I’m happy for you.”

  I didn’t know whether or not Sheela was being honest, but I chose to believe she was. “Thanks. That means a lot to hear you say that.”

  *

  At the house, my parents eyed my expensive bottle of wine with suspicion. “What’s going on?” my mother asked. “We don’t see you for months on end, then you show up with a bottle of wine?”

  I managed to move us into the living room and pour three glasses of wine before explaining that I’d come to celebrate my engagement to Natalie. “I know things didn’t go well when she came to dinner, but I think if you’d just give her a chance, you’d agree she is wonderful.”

  “You’re making a mistake,” my mother said, crossing her legs. “I supported the board’s decision to give Natalie a scholarship to St. John’s, but her background is troubling.”

  “I know about her background, and I don’t care.” I lifted my chin. “I love her.”

  My father poured himself another drink. “Natalie’s father murdered her mother. Did you know that, son?”

  “That’s not what happened,” I said.

  “What did happen?” my mother asked.

  I looked down at my hands, not wanting to betray Natalie’s trust. At the same time, I didn’t want my parents believing false rumors. “Natalie’s parents were drug addicts. Her mother died of an overdose, but it wasn’t like her father intentionally tried to kill her.”

  My mother shuddered. “Is that really the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?”

  “I’m not marrying Natalie’s parents. I’m marrying Natalie. She shouldn’t be blamed for her parents’ mistakes.”

  “Son, her father went to prison for murder. Who knows when he’ll get out and come back into Natalie’s life.”

  “He’s dead, Dad. Both her parents are dead. You can’t hold Natalie responsible for her parents’ actions. She deserves
a chance like everyone else. Isn’t that why St. John’s gave her the scholarship?”

  My mother sighed. “I believe in giving people a chance to stand on their own two feet, but this is someone you’re going to marry. This is the woman who will be the mother of your children. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly.”

  I nodded. “I know that. That’s why I want her to be my wife.”

  Chapter 16

  Natalie – 2017

  In the morning, I woke up late and downed several cups of coffee before walking Dash to school. I hadn’t slept well last night, and my stomach ached from either too much caffeine or the fact I’d just completed step three of my plan.

  After saying goodbye to Dash and telling him to have a good day, I headed back to the rental. Along the way, I ran into Tamara, pushing her double stroller. June, the three-year-old, smiled as she drank a juice box. In the seat behind her, her baby brother napped.

  Tamara and I exchanged pleasantries and talked about the after-school program at Firehouse Fitness. As she told me how much confidence the program had taught her son, a huge yawn escaped me.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, with an embarrassed laugh. “It’s not the company, I promise. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

  Tamara nodded. “Don’t worry about it. I know all about not sleeping well.” She gestured to her baby, sound asleep in the stroller. “This little guy thinks sleeping during the day and partying all night is the way to go.”

  I smiled down at baby Eric. “Well, at least you have an excuse to be tired. It’s not like Dash keeps me up at night.”

  “It’s all relative. Besides, you’ve been under a lot of stress lately.”

  My stomach lurched. “What do you mean?” Had Tamara somehow figured out about my past?

  “Moving is stressful,” she explained.

  “Oh.” I forced a smile. She had no idea how stressful this move was for me. “It’ll be fine.”

  Tamara fell silent for a moment. “I’m a good listener if you ever need someone to talk to, and I promise not to judge. I’m very open-minded.”