Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  He nodded. “I started when I moved here. There aren’t a ton of Christian churches downtown, but Tamara and Charlie invited me to theirs. For lack of a better word, it’s phenomenal.”

  “That’s great,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

  “Anyway, Dash mentioned he was interested in going with me. Are you okay if I take him?”

  I didn’t know. The last time I’d taken Dash to church was Christmas Eve. We’d gone to one of the big cathedrals downtown that I’d attended with Uncle Leo on occasion. As Dash and I started to enter the building, a police officer stopped us. “Natalie Jones?” he asked.

  “Yes?” My heart began pounding so hard I could barely breathe. This was it. I’d be handcuffed and taken to jail while Dash spent Christmas in foster care.

  The officer’s face broke into a huge smile. “You helped my wife with her online business. She went from selling one hair bow a month to over a two hundred each day. I know a lot of that is because of your help, so thank you.”

  It was then I realized the officer was the father of a student from Dash’s school. As my legs shook, I somehow managed to respond that I was pleased to learn his wife’s business was doing so well.

  He held open the door for us, and Dash and I entered. We found a place in the back, and I tried to breathe. Tried to get control of my emotions and settle my racing heart, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the encounter.

  Was I doomed to live the rest of my life in fear, knowing the cops could arrest me any minute, taking me away from Dash? It was then I finally faced the fact I had to surrender. Had to find some way to reach out to Gage and let him raise Dash while I went to jail.

  “The service starts at ten,” Gage said, interrupting my thoughts. “Afterward, we’ll have lunch, then I’ll bring Dash home before one. He said the two of you always clean the house on Sunday before doing something fun. Does that give you enough time?”

  “Yes. Does he need a suit?”

  “No, it’s San Francisco. You can wear jeans practically anywhere.”

  “Okay.” I swallowed past my dry throat. “Was that all you wanted to ask me?”

  He hesitated. “There was actually something else.”

  My stomach twisted. “Okay.”

  Straightening, Gage shifted from one foot to the other. “I was thinking about this even before you and Dash showed up. Actually, I’ve been praying about it for a long time.”

  “Praying about what?”

  He shoved his hands into his back pockets. “Well, praying about how to apologize to you.”

  I frowned, not understanding. “Apologize to me about what?”

  Gage offered a sad smile. “About everything that happened between us. I should’ve done more to help you with your drug problem. I shouldn’t have left you when you were dealing with all that.”

  Regret and sorrow consumed me. “You sent me to rehab, Gage. I was the one with the problem. I was the one who got convicted and kept your son from you. If anything, I’m the one who should apologize.”

  He shook his head. “I didn’t understand addiction back then. At the time, I thought it was just a matter of willpower. Because I hadn’t experienced any kind of dependence on painkillers after losing my leg, I didn’t understand what you were going through.”

  Gage took a deep breath before continuing. “I guess I thought you didn’t want to recover. Now, I understand that addiction is a horrible disease that requires tremendous time and effort to overcome. It’s not always something that can be cured with a few months of rehab.”

  I stared at him, completely stunned. “I heard you volunteer at the addiction center.”

  He nodded. “I just facilitate fitness activities. It’s not much, but I wanted to do something to help. I’ve definitely learned a lot.”

  “I’m sure you have.”

  Gage looked into my eyes. “So, will you forgive me for giving up on you and leaving you?”

  My throat throbbed and tears stung my eyes. “There’s nothing to forgive. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “All the same, I’m asking for your forgiveness.”

  My heart felt like it was ripping in half. Lament wrapped around my throat, squeezing tight. “Of course, I forgive you, Gage.”

  “Thank you.”

  Silence fell between us, and I realized I wanted his forgiveness, too. Before I could ask for it, however, he offered it to me.

  “I forgive you, too, Natalie. I know things will never be the same between us, but I forgive you. For Dash’s sake, I want us to be friends.”

  I swallowed hard, thinking how inadequately the word “friend” described our relationship. While we would never be romantically involved again, we’d forever be united because of Dash.

  “I’d like to be friends,” I said, tears sliding down my face. I sniffed hard in an attempt to keep from completely breaking down.

  Gage was such a good man. I’d forgotten how kind and compassionate he was. I’d forgotten what a good heart he had.

  “Natalie.” Stepping close, he took me in his arms.

  I went willingly, melting against him and pressing my face to his chest. As my tears fell, Gage held me tight. “It’s okay,” he whispered, rubbing my back. “It’s okay.”

  It felt good to cry, and I held nothing back. Years and years of trying to keep it together by myself were abandoned as I sobbed in his arms.

  When I finished, I wiped my eyes and stepped away. To my surprise, Gage had tears in his eyes as well.

  He gave an embarrassed laugh and swiped at his face. “Better?”

  “Actually, yes.”

  “Me, too,” he said.

  We smiled at each other, and I asked if there was anything else he wanted to talk about.

  Gage shook his head. “Nope. Church and forgiveness. I think that covers it.”

  I smiled at his attempt to make light of such an intense moment. “Okay. I’ll see you Sunday. Dash will be ready.”

  As we hugged each other again, the door opened, and a woman said, “Gage, are you—”

  I spun around to see Sheela standing in the doorway. I leapt away from Gage, feeling I’d done something wrong by hugging him. Sheela’s eyes widened, and for a brief moment, I felt sorry for her.

  Because uncomfortable situations always made me talk too much, I told Sheela that Gage and I were just talking about Dash going to church with Gage on Sunday. “Do you go to the same church?” I asked.

  Her expression shifted to that same disdain she’d had for me in high school. Without a word, she left, slamming the door behind her.

  “Gage, I’m sorry. Do you want me to talk to her?”

  He shook his head. “No. It’ll be fine.”

  “I didn’t mean to cause problems between you two.”

  He shrugged. “It’s fine, Natalie. Seriously. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Okay,” I said, thinking I wasn’t worried about Sheela.

  No, I was worried about how wonderful I’d felt in Gage’s arms and how much I wanted him to hold me again.

  Chapter 20

  Natalie – 2017

  On Sunday morning, I awoke to a large crashing sound coming from the kitchen. My first thought was someone had broken into the house.

  Leaping out of bed, I grabbed my bathrobe and raced downstairs, relieved to hear Dash talking to Roxy in the kitchen. Judging by my son’s carefree tone, whatever caused the crash hadn’t been life threatening.

  Once in the kitchen, I found Roxy obediently lying in her bed as Dash swept up the remains of a shattered cereal bowl. The dog looked up at me and thumped her tail.

  “Sorry, Mom,” Dash said. “I accidentally dropped my cereal bowl.”

  I nodded. “That’s okay, honey. Thank you for cleaning up.”

  “Dad said it’s important to take responsibility for your actions, so that’s what I’m doing.”

  “Dad said that?” This was the first time I’d heard Dash say “Dad” instead of “Coach.” I supposed that
was a good thing. Just one more step toward the completion of my plan. Still, it hurt a little, watching Dash transition to depending on Gage instead of me.

  Dash dumped the shattered remains of the bowl into the trash. “I’m just glad I didn’t get my church clothes dirty.”

  I’d been so caught up in the broken bowl, I hadn’t noticed Dash’s outfit. Now, I took a good look at his church clothes and tried not to laugh. He wasn’t serious, was he?

  Although he wore a suit, it was from a wedding we attended last year and no longer fit. Not only did the sleeves stop mid-arm, but the pants were so short they looked like capris. Had Dash really grown that much in just a year?

  “What do you think?” Holding out his arms, he spun around for my inspection. “The pants are kind of tight and they’re squishing my private parts, but I look good, don’t I?”

  Shaking my head, I laughed.

  “What?” Dash’s little face held all the sincerity in the world. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings.

  “You look great, honey, but your father said you don’t have to dress up. Why don’t you run upstairs and change into your jeans and that burgundy polo we just bought?”

  “No, I like what I’m wearing. Dad said church is special, so I want to wear something special.”

  I pursed my lips. How was I going to tell Dash the truth without crushing his spirit?

  Coffee first, I thought, making my way across the sticky floor to the coffee pot. I made a mental note to mop the floor later today, then I started the coffee and helped Dash pour another bowl of cereal.

  When we were both seated at the table, I tried again to approach the subject of his wardrobe. “I know you want to wear a suit today, but the one you’re wearing is too small.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  I pointed to his belly. “The pants are so tight you can’t even button them.”

  Dash sucked in his gut and buttoned the top button. “See? It fits.”

  I laughed. “Your face is turning blue from lack of oxygen. Don’t do this to yourself, Dash. Trust me, I’ve spent years trying to squeeze into clothes that are too small. Do yourself a favor and go change.”

  “No.”

  “Come on, Dash. Just wear jeans today, then if you really want another suit, I’ll buy you one this week.”

  He unbuttoned his pants and released his belly with a deep oomph. “I don’t know.”

  “What don’t you know?”

  Before he could answer, the doorbell rang, sending Roxy into a barking frenzy as she charged across the kitchen. “It’s Dad!” Dash pushed back his chair and followed Roxy to the front door.

  I groaned at the thought of seeing Gage this morning. I hadn’t even brushed my hair yet. Not that I was trying to impress him. But still, I preferred to see my long-lost ex-husband when I was a little more put together.

  Pouring more coffee into my mug, I reminded myself that Gage had seen me in conditions much worse than this. Besides, what did it matter? He was here for Dash, not me.

  Armed with my coffee, I walked into the living room where I found Gage standing in the entryway, talking to the dog. “Roxy, do you ever foresee a time when you won’t bark at me? Is it possible you might be able to remember that I’m not a threat?”

  Roxy leaned into Gage, allowing the man to pet her. I smiled and took a sip of my coffee.

  “I’ve got a great idea.” Dash’s voice was full of excitement. “You can move in with me and Mom. If you lived here, then Roxy would know you’re part of the pack, and she wouldn’t freak out every time you came to the door. What do you say, Mom? Can Dad move in with us?”

  I coughed hard, spitting out a little of my coffee. Wiping my mouth on my bathrobe sleeve, I tried to compose my frazzled self. “We’ve already talked about this, sweetheart. Your father’s not moving in with us. He has his own place and we have ours.”

  “That’s right,” Gage said, looking absolutely gorgeous in his button-down shirt and jeans that fit him in all the right spots. Jeans that had a worn, expensive, I’m-so-hot-without-even-trying look.

  For the hundredth time, I reminded myself not to go there. You’re going back to Chicago, remember?

  “I’m sorry I’m early.” Gage offered an apologetic smile. “I can wait outside if you want.”

  Dash laughed and gave his dad an overexaggerated pat on the back. “You don’t have to wait outside, Dad. I just finished my breakfast, so I’m ready to go.”

  Gage studied Dash carefully, then he gave me a questioning look. I adjusted my bathrobe and hugged my coffee tighter. “I was trying to convince Dash to change. I think he’d be more comfortable in something that wasn’t three sizes too small. What do you think, Gage?”

  “Mom.” Dash glared at me, mortified.

  Gage looked down at his son. “You look great, Dash, don’t get me wrong. But my church is casual, and nobody wears a suit. I think your mom is right in that you’ll feel more comfortable in jeans.”

  “Oh.” Dash’s face fell. “So, I should change?”

  “Only if you want to.”

  “But you think I should?”

  Gage gave a slight nod. “Yeah, I think you should.”

  Dash swished his lips to the side. “I guess I have time to change.”

  “I’ll help you,” I said, moving toward the stairs.

  Dash held out his hands to stop me. “No, Mom. I can change by myself.”

  “Okay.” I watched him dart up the stairs, leaving me alone with Gage.

  After a moment of awkward silence, Gage gestured at my coffee. “That smells really good.”

  “Oh, would you like a cup? I just made a pot, and I could give you a travel mug to take, if you’d like.”

  “That’d be wonderful.”

  Grateful for the task, I returned to the kitchen. Gage followed, and while I prepared his coffee, he made himself at home by casually leaning against the counter as if he’d been in my kitchen a million times.

  “Thanks for letting me take Dash this morning,” he said.

  “Of course.” I poured his coffee and opened the cupboard for the sugar, but Gage stopped me.

  “I just take it black now.”

  “No cream, either?”

  He shook his head. “No, I’ve gotten boring in my old age.”

  “You’ve gotten healthy,” I said, refusing to look at his flat stomach. I placed the lid on his mug, then handed it to him. Feeling self-conscious, I began unloading the dishwasher in order to avoid noticing how his forearm flexed when he lifted the mug to his lips.

  “You’re still making jewelry?” he asked, reaching across the counter and picking up the bracelet I’d made for Tamara’s birthday.

  “I am. I actually have an online store.”

  “Really?” He turned the bracelet over in his hand. “It’s beautiful.”

  “Thanks.”

  Setting the bracelet back on the counter, he asked if Dash and I had an adventure planned for this afternoon.

  “Oh, not yet.”

  “He said last Sunday you rented a boat to go fishing.”

  I scoffed and opened the cabinet to put away the plates. “Did he tell you how much fun that was?”

  Gage chuckled, causing the lines at the corner of his eyes to crinkle. “He said you got a little seasick.”

  “Just a little.”

  We both smiled. The air grew still, and Gage stepped toward me. I held my breath, not knowing what he was doing.

  Slowly, he reached out and touched a strand of my hair, causing everything inside me to turn to warm liquid. What was the man doing? He wasn’t going to kiss me, was he?

  He smiled, then next thing I knew, he yanked something from my hair. I cried out and covered my head with my hands. “Ouch! Why’d you do that?”

  Grinning, Gage presented me with a Band-Aid containing strands of my hair. A Band-Aid? Heat burned my face. I took the Band-Aid from him and shoved it in the pocket of my bathrobe. “Well, that’s embarrassing.”
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  Gage laughed. “It happens.”

  I wanted to laugh with him, but when he’d stepped toward me, I’d caught his scent. The combination of soap, shampoo, and shaving cream rattled me, reminding me of how wonderful he always smelled after showering. Intimate moments from our honeymoon flashed through my mind, and I blushed.

  “You okay?” Gage asked, reading my thoughts.

  I squared my shoulders. “Of course. I’m fine.”

  Gage smirked. “You sure?”

  No, but I’m not going to tell you that. And I’m not going to draw any more attention to my disgusting appearance when you’re looking like you’re looking.

  “I’m fine,” I repeated, turning back to the dishwasher.

  Thankfully, Dash rescued me by flying into the kitchen with a loud, “Ta-da!”

  I set the silverware basket on the counter and pressed a hand to my heart. “Oh, my goodness.”

  “Now that’s a church-going outfit,” Gage said, amused.

  Oblivious to his father’s sarcasm, Dash beamed. “I know! I’m dressed like you, Dad.”

  Both Gage and I chuckled. Like his father, Dash wore jeans and a button-down shirt. Instead of cowboy boots, however, he wore his Lands’ End winter Expedition Snow Boots—boots built for the toughest storm the Chicago weather could deliver.

  Dash lifted a foot in the air. “How do you like my boots?”

  “I like ’em.” Gage turned and winked at me, causing me to almost drop my mug.

  Something caught in my throat. Suddenly, I was desperate for Gage to invite me to church. Desperate to spend the morning sitting next to them and going to lunch.

  Oblivious to the desires of my heart, Gage turned his attention to Dash. “Well, do you want to get going?”

  “You bet!” Dash headed for the door, excited to leave. Gage, Roxy, and I followed.

  At the door, Dash waved goodbye. “Bye, Roxy. See you, Mom.”

  I held on to the dog’s collar as Dash opened the door and stepped outside. “Have fun, honey.” I wanted to ask for a hug goodbye, but not wanting to embarrass him, I remained hunched over the dog.

  Gage paused in the doorway and looked down at me. Ask me to come, I thought. Ask me to come with you and I’ll say yes.