Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  *

  When the alarm went off at 5:20 a.m., I yawned and roused myself out of bed. I’d only slept a few hours, but I had an early morning fitness class to teach. After putting on my prosthesis and grabbing a protein bar, I went downstairs to meet my hardcore regulars.

  Usually, I loved this group of high-powered career executives and soccer moms who were determined to work out before beginning their busy day. Today, however, I just wanted to go back upstairs to be there when Dash and Natalie awoke.

  Last night, it’d been so easy to comfort Natalie. I hadn’t tried to fix her or interpret her sadness as a reflection of me. I’d simply held her and told her everything was going to be okay.

  So, why hadn’t I been able to do that during her struggle with drugs? Why hadn’t I understood she had a disease that needed to be treated, not a flaw in her moral character?

  I didn’t know if I could ever forgive myself for walking out on her. At a time when she needed me the most, I’d been judgmental and unsupportive. Was it any wonder she didn’t tell me she was pregnant?

  “Did you feel the earthquake last night, Coach?” asked Mary Alice, a mother of eight who’d lost over sixty pounds since joining the gym.

  “Just a little, but the brick chimney on Dash’s house collapsed through the roof.”

  “Was anyone hurt?”

  I shook my head and tried to block out the image of Natalie being crushed by all that brick and mortar. “No.”

  “Thank God,” Mary Alice said.

  I nodded. Yes, thank God indeed.

  “I slept through the whole thing,” Rhodes said.

  Everyone laughed, including me who just felt happy this morning. Was it wrong to feel so happy?

  After class ended, I jogged down the hill to a cafe that served breakfast tacos and freshly squeezed orange juice. Feeling energetic, I returned to the gym, climbed the steps to the loft, and opened the door.

  “Good morning,” Natalie called, standing at the coffee pot in the kitchen.

  “Good morning.” Smiling, I walked toward her and set the bag of tacos on the counter. “I brought back breakfast.”

  “It smells delicious.” Even though her eyes were red and puffy, she looked incredibly beautiful this morning. She gestured toward the coffee. “I hope you don’t mind, but I made myself at home and brewed a pot of coffee.”

  “I don’t mind at all.” I suddenly felt nervous being alone with her. “Is Dash still sleeping?”

  “He is.”

  “That’s good.” I opened the cupboard and took down two plates. Then, I carried the plates and the bag of tacos to the table. “Breakfast is served.”

  She smiled and joined me, bringing two cups of coffee. I took one of the mugs from her and thanked her. Sitting at the table, we ate our breakfast in companionable silence.

  “I love your view of the bay,” she said, gesturing out the window.

  I nodded in agreement. “One of the first things I did after buying the building was replace those windows to show off the view.”

  “Good decision.”

  “Thanks.”

  She took a sip of her coffee. “So, you own the building?”

  I nodded. “I bought it with the money I received from selling the company.”

  “Was that difficult? Selling your family’s company?”

  I drank my coffee. “It wasn’t an easy decision, but things changed after my father died. Someone made us a substantial offer, so after thinking about it for nearly two years, my mother and I accepted.”

  “Are you glad you did it?”

  “I am. I love owning the gym, and I love living in San Francisco. I thought about going back to Chicago, but this place feels like home.”

  “So, you think you’ll stay here permanently?”

  I nodded. “I think so. Living here is expensive, and the earthquakes can be disturbing, but every place has its drawbacks.”

  “Like the blizzards in Chicago?”

  “Exactly.”

  I opened a tiny container of salsa and dumped it on my taco. “Even though I’m not planning on stepping away from Firehouse Fitness, I’ve started turning more of the daily operations over to Rhodes and Molly in order to give myself time to pursue other interests.”

  “What kinds of other interests?”

  “Well, Dash for one.” I took a bite of my taco, feeling guilty I’d never mentioned my other idea to Sheela. What was it about Natalie that gave me the courage to be so open about my dreams?

  “Gage?”

  I smiled. “Don’t laugh, but I’m thinking about getting involved in city politics. Maybe running for mayor or councilman.”

  Natalie gave a serious nod. “I could see you as the town’s mayor.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Definitely.”

  I grinned. “I think I could make a real difference, especially in regard to issues about kids. Plus, I always thought it would be fun to ride in the Fourth of July parade and throw out candy to my constituents.”

  That made her laugh, something that pleased me beyond belief. “That is definitely a good reason to run for office,” she said. “Can you imagine how much fun Dash would have riding on the float with you? Of course, he’s going to want Roxy to come, too.”

  “Of course.” I laughed. “What about you? Would you come with us?”

  Alarm flashed across her face, making me instantly regret the question. Was I intentionally trying to scare her away by coming on so strong? What was my problem?

  To my relief, she made a joke of the whole thing. “I call dibs on throwing out the Tootsie Rolls.”

  I grinned. “They’re all yours.”

  Smiling, she took one last bite of her taco, then glanced at her watch. “I should probably call my landlord and check on the status of my house. Depending on how long it takes to fix the chimney, I’ll probably need to find a new place to live.”

  “There’s no rush,” I said, abandoning last night’s plan to find her a new home. “You and Dash can stay as long as you want.”

  “Thanks, but I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”

  “I don’t think that’ll happen.”

  *

  After breakfast, Natalie helped Dash get ready for school while I went down to the gym to tell Rhodes I’d be gone for most of the day.

  “Where are you going?” Rhodes asked, like it was his business.

  I blew out an exasperated breath. “Do you want to take the lead on things today or not?”

  Rhodes gave me an easy smile. “Relax, Coach. I’ve got it.”

  “Good.”

  “Just be careful, okay?”

  “Be careful about what?”

  Rhodes sighed. “Natalie is great and all, but you just broke up with Sheela, so you’re vulnerable. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

  I groaned. “Rhodes?”

  “Yeah?”

  “This is my life. Not the Dr. Phil show. I’m a big boy and can handle it.”

  “You can handle what?” Dash asked, coming into my office with Natalie.

  “Hey, little man,” Rhodes said, giving Dash a high five. “Coach was just telling me about your eventful evening.”

  “It was scary,” Dash said, his voice animated.

  Rhodes gave Natalie a side hug. “That’s just part of living in San Francisco.”

  “Well, that’s a part of San Francisco Roxy doesn’t like,” Dash said.

  Natalie smiled and glanced at me. “I’m on my way to take Dash to school, but I wanted to tell you that I spoke to my landlord. He said it’s going to be a while before my rental is fixed, but he can move us into a different house next week.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  “That means we get to stay with you for a whole week,” Dash said.

  “If you don’t mind,” Natalie quickly added. “I don’t want to impose.”

  Behind her, Rhodes raised his brow. Ignoring his disapproval, I told Natalie she and Dash could stay as long as they needed.

&
nbsp; “Yes!” Dash said, grinning up at me.

  “Thank you.” Natalie smiled, making me feel like a hero. “After I drop Dash off at school, I’d like to stop by my house and see if I can collect my things. Would it be okay if I borrowed your truck?”

  “You can definitely borrow the truck, but I’m coming with you to help.”

  “Oh, you don’t have to do that,” Natalie said.

  “I know I don’t have to, but I’d like to.”

  She nodded, and I opened my desk drawer to grab the key.

  Chapter 30

  Natalie – 2017

  After dropping Dash off at school, Gage and I headed toward my rental. Neither one of us said much on the short drive, but when Gage smiled at me, I smiled back.

  Why did his smile have to affect me so deeply? Leaving was going to be difficult enough without forming an attachment to Gage. I needed to be careful and keep my distance.

  Turning away from him, I stared out the window at all the houses and businesses, perfectly intact. Had my rental been the only building affected by the earthquake? Maybe the damage to my place wouldn’t look so bad in the daylight.

  As Gage turned onto my street and the rental came into view, however, I sucked in a sharp breath. The sight of the large hole in my roof and shattered window reminded me how close I’d come to losing my life.

  Gage glanced at me. “Are you okay?”

  I wasn’t, but I nodded anyway. For some reason, God or instinct or some other mystical force had spared my life by prompting Gage to call me. Thank goodness he’d listened and responded to the voice.

  A song we used to sing in Uncle Leo’s church came to me. If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart.

  I closed my eyes and thought about how good I was at hardening my heart. I hardened my heart not just toward God, but toward everyone I knew besides Dash. Although I was friendly with lots of people, I always kept my distance, afraid if they really knew me they wouldn’t like me that much.

  I’d once been close to Janet, but after my arrest, we’d lost our friendship. She’d visited me in rehab, bringing me a Bible that I’m ashamed to admit I’d tossed in the Goodwill bin at rehab.

  Sometimes, I stalked Janet’s social media sites. She was a full-time mom now, with three gorgeous kids. For their anniversary, John had taken her to Hawaii where they’d renewed their vows under a waterfall. It seemed to me her life was perfect.

  Gage parked the truck and turned off the engine. Staring at the damage, he shook his head. “It makes me sick to think about what could’ve happened to you and Dash.”

  I nodded in agreement. Life was fragile. Sometimes, the difference between death and life was the width of an eyelash.

  “What are you thinking?” Gage asked.

  I offered a brave smile. “I’m thinking my guardian angel was really working overtime last night.”

  Gage smiled. “But by the grace of God go I.”

  “Do you believe that?”

  He nodded and pulled the keys out of the engine. “It’s one of those concepts I find both terrifying and freeing.”

  “I understand the terrifying part, but how can you say it’s freeing? Believing God is in charge of your life basically means you have no control over things.”

  Gage chuckled. “You don’t have control. God gives us free will, but ultimately, everything you have comes from Him.”

  “Even your addictions?” I wasn’t angry, just pointing out a logical flaw in Gage’s reasoning.

  He was quiet for a minute, then he said, “Addiction, murder, adultery, and all that are a result of living in a world marred by sin. Those things happen because man exerts his, or her, free will over God’s.”

  I offered a nervous laugh. “That’s pretty deep for a Thursday morning.”

  “Sorry.” He smiled apologetically, and we got out of the car to speak to the landlord. The restoration crew from last night had boxed up my things and left them in the next-door neighbor’s garage.

  I asked the landlord if I could go through the house to make sure they’d collected everything, but he said it wasn’t safe. After that, Gage helped me load my things into the back of his truck. We returned to the gym and put everything into storage. When we finished, Gage asked if I wanted to grab some lunch.

  “I’d love to,” I said. “I shouldn’t be hungry after that great breakfast, but I’m starving.”

  Gage chuckled.

  “What?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t want to get in trouble.”

  “Now you have to tell me.”

  Still grinning, he met my gaze. “Stress always makes you hungry.”

  I groaned. “I know. It’s so unfair. If only I could be one of those people who lost their appetite during stressful situations.”

  “Well, you’re not, so this is the perfect time to take you to Hood Grub. Have you been?”

  “No.”

  “You’re going to love it. They have the best catfish and tater tots.”

  “That sounds fabulous.”

  “It is.”

  Together, we walked down the hill to the restaurant. I was impressed by how easily Gage maneuvered the hills with his prosthetic. When I commented on it, he lifted his pant leg and showed off his artificial leg. “It’s the best one I’ve had so far. It’s not perfect, but my old one started causing me a lot of back pain. This one is so much better.”

  Once at the restaurant, we found a seat by the window and placed our order. When our food came, Gage popped a tater tot in his mouth. “So much better than a protein shake.”

  “No kidding. Is that what you usually have for lunch?”

  “Sometimes I make myself a salad, but a shake is easier when I’m busy.”

  I cocked my head to the side. “Why aren’t you busy today?”

  Maybe it was my imagination, but Gage seemed to shift uncomfortably as if embarrassed by the question. “I just wanted to give Rhodes and Molly a chance to be in charge. You know, because of my plan to run for office.”

  “Right,” I said, wondering if there was something he wasn’t telling me. “Do you remember when you put Rhodes in charge of baking my birthday cake?”

  Gage chuckled. “He told me he knew what he was doing. How was I supposed to know he’d let the dish towel get caught in the mixer?”

  I laughed, remembering what a disaster that had been. “I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get the batter off the ceiling.”

  We smiled at each other before returning to our lunch. When we finished eating, Gage reached into his pocket and handed me a check. “This is for you.”

  I stared down at the check written for several thousand dollars. “Gage?”

  “It’s for child support,” he explained. “I wanted to give it to you earlier, but I had to move around some money. I know it’s not much, given all the years you’ve raised Dash on your own, but it’s all I can do right now.”

  I shook my head and handed the check back to him. “I can’t take this from you. You didn’t even know about Dash.”

  He pressed the check back into my hand. “Keep it, please. You’re going to need it to replace your things damaged in the earthquake. If you don’t, you can put it in Dash’s college fund.”

  I swallowed hard. “Are you sure?”

  “Positive. This is something I really want to do. Dash is my son, after all.”

  Although Gage spoke without malice, I couldn’t help but feel incredibly guilty. Of course, Dash was Gage’s son. That was something I should’ve acknowledged a long time ago.

  Chapter 31

  Gage – 2017

  Over the next few days, Natalie, Dash, Roxy, and I fell into a comfortable routine. Although I spent a lot of time at the gym, I always returned to the loft for lunch with Natalie.

  We’d make stir-fry or a big salad with fish. While we ate, the two of us talked about everything from Dash to books to politics. I really wanted to ask about her time in jail and how she managed with Dash, but every time I app
roached the subject, she’d veer off in the opposite direction. It had obviously been so traumatic that she didn’t want to talk about it.

  After Dash’s basketball tournament on Saturday, he announced he was going to make us French toast for lunch. Apparently, he’d learned how last week in school.

  I was skeptical about my son’s cooking abilities, but his French toast was delicious. I ate way too much, destroying my nutrition plan for the day. Not that I regretted it. Sometimes it was good to have a cheat day.

  “We should play tourist this afternoon,” I suggested, pushing my plate away.

  “That sounds like a fun game.” Dash took one last bite of his French toast. “How do you play?”

  I gave Natalie a our-kid-is-so-cute wink. “It’s not a game. I was just thinking we should rent bikes and ride across the Golden Gate Bridge like the tourists always do.”

  “Yes, let’s do that!” Dash jumped up and down with excitement. “Can we, Mom? Please?”

  Natalie nodded. “Sure, why not? That actually sounds like a lot of fun, and after this meal, I could use a little physical activity.”

  While Dash and I did the dishes, Natalie took Roxy for a quick walk so she wouldn’t pee in the house while we were gone.

  At Fisherman’s Wharf, we rented bikes and helmets before setting off for the Golden Gate Bridge. Riding along the sidewalk with the water on our right, we went past the Palace of Fine Arts and through the Presidio. At the bottom of the hill, we got off our bikes and pushed them up the path.

  “We’re never going to get there,” Dash complained.

  “Just a few more steps,” Natalie said.

  “That’s what you said a million steps ago.”

  “I know, but look.” Natalie pointed ahead.

  “It’s the bridge.” Excited, Dash pushed his bike a little faster.

  “Thank goodness,” I said, glancing at Natalie.

  She smiled. “It’s amazing, isn’t it? I was so impressed the first time I saw the bridge, and I’m just as impressed now.”