Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  “You liked it?”

  He grinned with his entire face. “I loved it.”

  “Me, too.”

  My heart sank at the thought of telling him I was leaving. I knew talking to Dash about my plan was going to be difficult, but I hadn’t anticipated it would be so hard with Gage.

  “Wasn’t that awesome!” Dash said, joining us.

  “It was,” Gage agreed. “I can’t wait until the next movie comes out.”

  Talking about all the good parts of the movie, we walked down the stairs. Outside, Dash ran over to Tye and his other friends. I looked around for Tye’s parents and found them talking to Sheela.

  Tamara raised a hand, so Gage and I walked over to say hello. Charlie asked how we liked the movie.

  “I loved it,” I said, shooting a nervous glance at Sheela. “I’ve been reading the seventh book to Dash, and—”

  Without a word, Sheela pulled out her phone, turned around, and walked away from us. At first, nobody said anything. Then, Gage excused himself and followed after Sheela.

  Even though I had no right to feel jealous, my heart leapt to my throat. Did Gage regret ending things between him and Sheela? Did he want her back?

  Tamara nudged me. “Don’t worry about that. There’s no way they’re getting back together. Breaking up is the best thing for both of them. Right, Charlie?”

  Charlie shrugged. “I never really understood their relationship.”

  Tamara turned back to me. “She’s already signed up for an online dating site, so she’s not devastated or anything. And Gage . . .” She glanced at Gage who was deep in conversation with Sheela. “Well, it’s obvious where his feelings lie.”

  I pulled my gaze away from Gage and Sheela. “Oh, it’s not like that between us.”

  “No?” she asked. “You and Gage were holding hands in the theater just as friends, then?”

  I felt my eyes widen. “You saw that?”

  Tamara burst into laughter. “No. I was sitting on the other side of the theater, but now I see what’s going on. I guess that earthquake really worked out well for you.”

  “You’re horrible.” My face burned with embarrassment. “I can’t believe you tricked me like that.”

  Tamara just laughed as her husband shook his head. Nudging her with his elbow, he said, “One of these days, my dear, your sense of humor is going to get you in trouble.”

  Tamara continued laughing, and I joined in because it just felt good to laugh with a friend.

  Dash came back over with Tye. “What’s so funny?”

  “Your mom,” Tamara said. “I don’t know if you know this, but your mom is a very silly woman.”

  I shook my head. “I think we know who the silly one is.”

  Tye and Dash exchanged a look of exasperation. “I think they’re both crazy,” Tye whispered, and Dash nodded in agreement.

  Tamara and I laughed even harder.

  “We should probably get going,” Charlie said.

  “Hey, can Dash spend the night?” Tye asked.

  Tamara gave her son a stern look. “You’re supposed to ask that kind of thing in private, remember?”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “Oh, yeah,” Tamara said, imitating her son.

  “Sorry, Mom.”

  Tamara smiled. “That’s okay. Just remember for next time. But yes, Dash can sleep over as long as it’s okay with his mom.”

  I glanced at Dash, evaluating his reaction. Given his nighttime situation, sleepovers were always an issue. “How about we see if your dad’s okay with Tye spending the night with us? We can go swimming and play basketball and—”

  “That would be so cool,” Tye said.

  “Yeah,” Dash said. “Let’s go ask.”

  The two boys ran over to Gage, and I watched, hoping he wouldn’t mind the interruption. A moment later, Gage was nodding. Dash and Tye gave each other high fives.

  Tamara smiled at me. “I guess he said yes.”

  “I guess so.”

  Chapter 33

  Natalie – 2017

  On the walk home, I listened to Tye, Dash, and Gage talk about the movie. Their chatter filled me with peace. If only life could stay this way forever.

  “What are you thinking?” Gage asked, nudging me with his shoulder.

  I smiled as Dash and Tye raced up the hill toward home. “I was just thinking that life is pretty nice right now, you know?”

  Gage grinned and took my hand. “Yeah, I know.”

  I squeezed his hand before releasing it. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why not?”

  I shook my head and changed topics. “How did your conversation with Sheela go?”

  “Is that what you’re worried about? Sheela?”

  “I’m not worried. I just don’t think starting something between us is a good idea.”

  “Okay.” Although he was trying to sound as if he didn’t care one way or the other, I could tell I’d upset him.

  Neither one of us said anything for a few moments, then Gage spoke. “Sheela and I should’ve broken up a long time ago. I think I was just afraid of hurting her feelings, which is a poor excuse to stay with someone.”

  “I understand.”

  “Do you?” He pinned me with his gaze. “Did you have someone like that in your life after I left?”

  “No,” I answered honestly.

  “No?” Gage continued staring at me. “What about Ethan?”

  “Ethan?” I cringed. “No, it wasn’t like that. Ethan was just a friend.” Until he wasn’t.

  Gage’s jaw clenched, and I could tell he didn’t believe me. I braced myself for more questions about my friend from rehab, but Gage moved the conversation in a different direction. “I talked to Sheela tonight because I wanted to make sure she was okay.”

  “Oh, I understand.”

  “I didn’t want you to think something was going on between us. That relationship is over.”

  I nodded.

  “I just wanted you to know that.”

  “Why?” I said, feeling defensive. “Why did you want me to know that? It’s not like you and I are a couple.”

  Gage made an overexaggerated motion of gripping his chest and stumbling backward. “Ouch. Is that how you view us? As not a couple?”

  I rolled my eyes. “You know what I mean. Sheela has been in your life for a long time, so I’m sure breaking up was tough.”

  Gage gave up his antics and joined me in walking up the sidewalk. “Would you think I was a bad person if I said breaking up with her has been more of a relief than a heartbreak? It was something I dreaded, but now I feel so much better.”

  I shot a quick glance at him. “Is that how you felt when you divorced me?”

  He stopped walking. “No. How could you say that?”

  I pushed out a slow breath. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”

  He yelled at the boys to wait up before crossing the sidewalk, then he turned back to me. “Divorcing you was the worst mistake of my life. If I could go back in time and change it, I would.”

  I squeezed my eyes tight wondering how things had gotten serious so quickly. “I’m sorry.”

  “I am too.”

  “Come on, Mom,” Dash yelled, interrupting us. “The light’s green. Can we go?”

  “Okay,” I hollered, heading his way.

  Gage reached out and grabbed my arm. “I’m serious, Natalie. I never should’ve left you.”

  I closed my eyes and pushed out a deep breath. “The thing is, Gage, I never should’ve pushed you away.”

  *

  Back at the gym, we changed into our bathing suits and headed to the pool. Before getting in the water, Gage had to switch legs because the prosthetic he normally used wasn’t waterproof.

  “All set,” he said, cranking up the music. He and the boys had a few races while I floated on a noodle.

  After a while, Gage left the boys and swam over to me. I asked him what it was like swimming with
a prosthesis. When we were married, he always swam without one.

  “It kind of feels like I’m dragging this extra weight through the water, but I’m trying to get used to it. Wearing it makes it easier when I’m teaching my SUP yoga classes and have to get in and out of the pool.”

  I glanced at the boys who were jumping off the diving board. “What’s SUP yoga?”

  “I don’t know, what’s up with you?” Gage smiled at his stupid joke, and I just rolled my eyes.

  “SUP yoga stands for Stand Up Paddleboard yoga,” he explained.

  I gave him a skeptical look. “Is that seriously a thing or are you joking around?”

  “It’s seriously a thing. Do you want to try it out?”

  “I don’t know. Do I?”

  “Yes, you do. I’ll be right back.” He abandoned the noodle he’d been floating on and swam to the ladder.

  As he pulled himself out of the pool, I admired his muscular shoulders and trim waist. He went into the equipment room and returned moments later with a long paddleboard. Setting it in the water, he shot it toward me. “Here you go.”

  I caught it, and while he returned for his own board, I tried to figure out how to climb onto the thing. It took me a few tries, but I finally managed to hoist myself onto the board.

  A few minutes later, Gage was in the pool beside me, showing me basic yoga poses like warrior and downward dog. At one point, he showed off by doing a handstand right on the board.

  “Whoa,” Dash said, swimming over to us with Tye. “Can you teach us how to do that?”

  “You can have my board. I’m getting cold, so I’m going to warm up in the spa.” I swam over to the hot tub and watched from there.

  Gage gave his board to Tye, then he stood on the deck, teaching the boys various positions. Dash and Tye were naturals, of course, being young and flexible. Plus, every time they fell, they just climbed right back on the board with very little effort.

  Watching Gage was pretty incredible as well. The way he balanced on one leg with his body forward and arms outstretched amazed me.

  “Okay, you guys be careful. I’m going to join Natalie in the spa.” Gage walked toward me with all the confidence in the world.

  Sitting on the deck, he removed his prosthetic and slipped into the hot tub beside me. “I can’t stay long because the heat always causes my stump to swell, but the water sure feels good.”

  “It does,” I agreed.

  Gage closed his eyes and leaned back, allowing the jets to beat against his muscles. I tried not to look at his broad chest, tried not to think about scooting closer so he could hold me again.

  As if reading my mind, he suddenly opened his eyes and met my gaze. I quickly looked away and gestured around the pool area. “You must love having access to all this.”

  He glanced around his surroundings. “You know, it’s sad. I don’t take advantage of it as much as I should. I work out every day during my morning fitness class, and sometimes I shoot hoops with the kids in the afternoon. Mostly, I get so busy with teaching and administrative tasks that I forget to take time to play.”

  “I’m sure that’s easy to do.”

  Gage gestured toward Dash. “I think one of the best parts about having kids is the way they remind you to play. I just have fun with him, you know?”

  I smiled. “I know what you mean.”

  *

  When we returned to the loft after swimming, I suggested we all watch a movie in the living room. Gage set it up while the boys got ready for bed. Once we started watching, both boys fell asleep within minutes.

  “Should I carry them to Dash’s room or just leave them here?” Gage asked.

  “They’d probably be more comfortable in the bedroom. I made a little pallet out of blankets for Tye.”

  Gage carried first Dash, then Tye into the room, and tucked them into bed. Roxy climbed up on Dash’s bed as usual. Gage and I told the boys goodnight, then left the room.

  In the hallway, Gage asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him, but I shook my head. “I think I’ll call it a night, too.”

  He nodded. “Tonight was fun.”

  “It was,” I agreed, trying not to think about how much I’d enjoyed sitting next to him in the theater and swimming with him in the pool. “Well, I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I turned to leave before he could hug me goodnight, but he called after me. “Natalie?”

  “Yes?”

  His eyes held a yearning that scared me. I looked away, hoping he was just going to ask what we should make for breakfast. Instead, his voice grew serious. “I have to tell you something.”

  I have to tell you something, too. “What is it?”

  “It’s just that . . .” He held my gaze, and even before he spoke, I knew what he was going to say.

  “I’m falling back in love with you,” he declared.

  My heart slammed against my chest. “Gage.”

  “It’s true. Despite everything that happened between us, I don’t think I ever stopped loving you. Maybe I always knew we’d find our way back to each other. I guess what I’m saying is I want to try again with you.”

  I swallowed hard and stared at him without speaking. Tell him. You have to tell him you’re leaving. You have to tell him about going back to jail.

  “You don’t have to say anything right now,” Gage continued. “If you don’t feel the same way about me, it’s okay. I just wanted you to know how I felt.”

  But I do feel the same way. I do.

  “That night you got out of rehab,” he said, “when I left . . . I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I was mad, then my mom called, and . . .”

  “You went to Thailand,” I said, suddenly indignant that Gage felt a simple apology could fix things between us. “You didn’t just leave our home, you left the country. You left without calling or—”

  “I called,” he insisted. “I can’t even tell you how many times I called and left messages on your cell phone.”

  I stared at him blankly. “I never received any messages from you.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You never called,” I said. “Or, at least, you didn’t leave a message on my phone about going to Thailand.”

  “I did.”

  As Gage stared at me, a horrible sense of dread seeped into my bones.

  Chapter 34

  Natalie – 2007

  When Gage didn’t come inside to say goodbye after dropping me off at rehab, I was terrified for my marriage. Ever since my arrest, I told myself I could handle anything except losing Gage.

  Sick to my stomach, I sought advice from Belinda, my favorite counselor on staff. I had high hopes Belinda would smile and say rehab was tough on marriages, but most grew stronger because of it.

  Instead, she offered a sobering dose of reality. “Unfortunately, many relationships don’t survive something like this.”

  “But I love Gage,” I insisted.

  “I’m sure you do. Sometimes, in order to get healthy, we have to let go of the people in our life who are blocking our path to recovery.”

  “Gage isn’t blocking my path to recovery.” Frustrated, I stood and paced the room. “Things are really tough right now, but he’s doing everything possible to make sure we have enough money to pay for rehab and my legal expenses. He’s under a lot of stress dealing with the company, his father’s cancer, and me. I know Gage and I are going to be fine. I’m just looking for a little encouragement, okay?”

  The counselor looked at me like I was a small child who still believed in Santa Claus. “Let’s talk about realistic expectations and obtainable goals, Natalie.”

  Something inside me snapped. I’d had it with everything. “I don’t want to talk about realistic expectations and obtainable goals. I want to talk about when I can get out of this dump and fix my marriage.”

  Belinda spoke in an annoyingly calm voice. “You can leave any time you want. You’re not being held against your will.”

 
I shook my head, thinking nothing could be further from the truth. Legally, I could walk out of rehab any time I wanted, but my lawyer had sternly advised me to complete the program. Judges and the parole board had a tendency to be more lenient on addicts who were serious about their recovery. While I was serious about my recovery, I didn’t know if this program was helping.

  “Natalie?”

  “What?”

  Belinda gave a deep sigh. “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  Discouraged, I returned to my room and glanced at the Bible Janet had brought the other day. I opened the front flap and read the inscription.

  To my dear friend, Natalie,

  You are not alone. I believe in you and so does God. Know that I am praying for you and I always will.

  “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” Psalms 23:4

  This verse from Psalms has always brought me comfort. Maybe you’ll find it encouraging as well.

  All my love,

  Janet

  I closed the Bible and set it back on the nightstand. While I knew Janet’s heart was in the right place, her note brought me no comfort. If God really cared about me, why would he curse me with this affliction? Why would he allow a couple like Gage and me to fall apart?

  *

  I stayed in rehab until my lawyer called with the devastating news. My appeal had been denied. Unless I managed an early release, I’d be spending the next six years in prison.

  The news felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my gut. Six years! How was I supposed to survive six years in prison? For that matter, how was our marriage supposed to survive six years apart?

  “When do I have to go?” I asked my lawyer. Gripping the phone, I wondered if a police car was on its way right now to pick me up from rehab and take me to jail.

  “They’ll give us a self-surrender date, but I don’t have that yet. When I do, I’ll call you. Then, you’ll simply report to your assigned facility and begin serving your sentence.”

  I wrapped my free arm around my stomach, feeling like I was going to throw up. “When do you think they’ll call?”