Closed Off To You (Singing Star Trilogy #1)

by Rachel S. Rose

  Why did they always do that? They only wanted one thing. And I let them have it.

  An image of Nathan’s thrusting body came to me. My traitorous pussy hummed at the memory. At least I had found relief. It wasn’t as if the sex was bad or anything. It wasn’t even that he had treated me badly. He hadn’t. But why had he left so quickly? Why did he not want to stay? I couldn’t remember the last time I’d woken up next to a man.

  Lifting my head out of the water, I rested the back of my neck on the lip of the bath. Running my hand over my face, I swallowed when tears suddenly popped into my eyes. My throat tried to close, but I bit down on my lip. There was no need to get all upset. Nathan seemed nice. He hadn’t done anything wrong. I had invited him back to mine. I knew what was going to happen. I also knew how I would feel after. Yet, something inside me couldn’t resist.

  “Melissa!” Lizzie shouted from the hallway. “Is Nathan in there giving you a backrub?”

  I cringed lower into the bath. Why had I given my best friend a key to my flat? Stupid woman. What if I had been screwing Nathan?

  “No. He’s gone.”

  I cleared my throat, determined to get rid of the need to weep like a little girl.

  “Can I come in?”

  The air rushed out of my lungs before I mumbled an affirmative.

  Lizzie stuck her head around the door as it creaked open. Her face fell when she saw that I was on my own.

  “What happened?” She moved over to the toilet and sat on the lid.

  There were enough bubbles in the bath to cover my nakedness. Not that I was conscious about my body when I was around her.

  “We had some fun, then he went.” My brisk tone wasn’t fair on anyone. Especially not my best friend. I was glad that Ella wasn’t there. The woman was a crusader. She’d be running the streets trying to find Nathan. To tell him what a dick he was for not seeing how amazing I was. She was the best friend a girl could have, however, sometimes she turned our lives into a TV show.

  “Did it go wrong?” Lizzie crossed her legs and rested her elbow on her knee.

  I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak. Why was I being so dramatic? Maybe Nathan would follow up. Maybe he would find a way to get in contact.

  “No, it was brilliant. I think that’s why I’m so pissed off. We connected and then he wanted to connect again… Through Facebook.”

  Lizzie chuckled. “Well, you will pick the young men. All they do is sit on Facebook.”

  I laughed with her. “You can bloody talk.”

  She shrugged as she flicked her blonde hair behind her shoulder. She was a kind soul but a little erratic. She did, however, make a lot of sense.

  “Erm, I think you’re being a bit of a hypocrite, too,” she said in a sing song voice.

  I tutted and flicked water at her. “I have to do it for my online business.” I stuck my nose in the air and turned my head away from her. “I would not give my Facebook as contact details after I had just had sex with someone.”

  Lizzie’s snort echoed around the bathroom. I threw my middle finger in the air and refused to make eye contact.

  “Well, at least you got a good seeing to.”

  It was certainly a fun session. Even if it was a little quick. Nathan had known what he was doing, I had to give him that.

  “See, you enjoyed it more than you realise.” Lizzie stood and inspected her reflection in the mirror as she rubbed the smudged mascara from under her eyes.

  “What about you? Did you get lucky?”

  My eyelids started to droop. The relaxed feeling of release wound through me as I slumped back into the water.

  “Nah, you had the one I wanted. I wouldn’t be sitting here moping now. I’d still be riding him.” Lizzie threw a look over her shoulder. I knew that look. She might have been teasing, but she hit a nerve.

  “Isn’t it time you went home to your own place?” I snapped.

  I couldn’t help it. There was nothing I could do to redeem the day. I wouldn’t even be waking up next to a gorgeous man.

  “Don’t be like that. I was only joking.” Lizzie came over and sat on the edge of the bath. “Anyway, you’ll get a much better sleep without him here, won’t you?”

  I groaned and pushed her off the edge. She giggled as she went over to the door and made her exit. “I’m not going anywhere. Crashing on your sofa,” she shouted.

  The cool air hit my body as I got out of the bath and wrapped a towel around me. Glancing in the mirror, I paused when I noticed a red mark on my chin. I licked my lips and grinned as I remembered how it got there.

  He would contact me. He would find a way. If not, I would swear off men forever.

  Lizzie banged around in the kitchen as I came into the living room. She had already pulled out the sofa bed and made a rough nest with a few blankets. Tying my dressing gown, I climbed into the haven of comfort. Lizzie came out the kitchen with two mugs.

  “That’s fine, I’ll just sleep in your bed.”

  She settled next to me and handed me the tea. A fleeting thought of not getting enough sleep came into my head. It was already the middle of the night, there was no point in worrying. I really was getting old.

  “Do you think we’ll ever find someone?” Lizzie asked.

  Allowing the cushions to envelop me, I pulled the covers right up to my chin. Lizzie mimicked me. We were two snug women, wrapped up in our own loneliness.

  “We have to, surely? We can’t stay alone forever.” I took a sip of the hot liquid, cursing when it burnt my tongue. “Ouch, that was nowhere near as tasty as what I almost drank earlier.”

  Our laughter filled the room. I couldn’t help it. If I didn’t laugh, I would cry.

  “Melissa?” Lizzie said. “I think we might be past it.”

  Screwing up my face, I tried to find the words to deny Lizzie’s statement. I racked every part of my brain, but there was no denying it. Nope, I couldn’t find it in me to disagree. “Yes, we are most certainly past it. In fact, I think I might get a cat.”

  Lizzie’s giggle made me smile. It was a good job Ella wasn’t there. She would berate us for feeling sorry for ourselves. Ever the optimist, Ella would make us feel better. She refused to believe anything other than good stuff. Even if she couldn’t find herself a man either.

  “I can’t do this anymore, though,” I said, taking Lizzie’s hand when she offered it.

  “It’s okay to enjoy sex, you know that.”

  She was right. It was okay to enjoy sex. “That may be so, but I want more. I want so much more, Lizzie, and you know it. So do you. Let’s promise not to get ourselves into these situations any more. Let’s promise to respect ourselves enough to at least go out on a date before we have sex.”

  My tea almost went flying when Lizzie laughed so hard she nudged me.

  “No offence, but I’m not actually into women.”

  I frowned as I laughed. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  At least we didn’t need Ella to help us get out of our slump. We might be a bit crazy. We might be a bit self-conscious. But at least we could laugh at ourselves.

  “You said we need to make a promise to at least go out on a date before we have sex. I’m just saying, I don’t fancy you in that way.”

  The serious expression she plastered on her face made it so much worse. I had to put my tea on the table to prevent it from spilling.

  “It’s no wonder we’re not in a relationship, is it? No one would believe that we’re thirty.”

  “You’re almost thirty-one actually,” Lizzie said, poking my arm.

  My mouth dropped open in disbelief. It was actually three months until I was thirty-one. Still a very long time. The date loomed over my head, confirming that I would officially be in my thirties.

  “Well, at least I got some tonight.”

  Our humour died down as our thoughts returned to the state of our lives. We had been friends for ten years, always there for each other, all three of us.

  “It
’s going to be a good year. I can feel it.” Lizzie put an arm around my shoulders. I let her hug me awkwardly from the side.

  “Something’s got to change. If it doesn’t, I’m going to change it myself.” I moved to try and hug her back, but we got tangled up.

  “Me too. I’m ready to take my career to the next level. Maybe it’s time to forget about men for the minute. They’ll come into our lives when the time’s right,” Lizzie said, her voice getting groggy as her eyes fluttered closed.

  I moved to get out of the bed but Lizzie didn’t let me go. When we had first met, we had spent many nights talking and falling asleep on my sofa bed. Since we had got older, we had grown out of the habit. It was nice to have her close to me, especially after the day I’d had.

  “You sound just like Ella now.”

  Lizzie murmured, close to sleep. I got comfortable, resigned to the fact that I would be snuggling with my best friend instead of Nathan. At least she was always there for me. That was worth more than anything. Any man.

  “Melissa?”

  I murmured an affirmative.

  Lizzie snuggled deeper in the blankets, keeping her eyes closed the whole time. “You’re only as old as the man you feel. That makes you twenty-five.”

  I smiled as my eyes dropped closed and images of the handsome Nathan came into my mind. At least I would have lovely dreams for a few weeks to come.

  Chapter Five

  The family home sat in its usual place in a town just outside London. The tall townhouse was painted white and had concrete steps to its front door.

  My mother opened said front door with a flourish.

  The smell of roast meat filtered through the hallway, and into my nose, tempting my rumbling stomach.

  “It’s about time. We’ve been waiting,” my mother said, taking my coat and hanging it on a hook.

  I trudged after her into the dining room. She had deliberately told me to get to her house at three o’clock. Sunday dinner was always at three o’clock. Apparently, today would be different. The food was already laid out and people were sat in their places.

  “What’s going on? I can’t believe dinner can be any earlier than it usually is.” I grinned at my brother, Charlie, as he stood and gave me a hug. My head bent back as I looked into his light brown eyes. His hair flopped over his forehead, almost covering them.

  “Martin is here for dinner,” my mother said by way of explanation.

  Turning to face the other man that sat at the table, I grinned as my spirit lifted. My brother’s friend had been away for a year; we weren’t expecting him back for another month. He had always been around the house when we were growing up. I had ignored them both, being five years older than them.

  “It’s good to see you,” Martin said, getting up from the table.

  I waved him to stay put and hurried around to his side. He had grown. Or it seemed like that, anyway. Maybe his year of travelling the world had made him more mature.

  “You’re looking good.” He wrapped his arms around me.

  I sniffed him unintentionally as the angle of the hug made my nose press against his neck. He went still. I pulled away quickly, conscious of my reaction to him. I had never sniffed my brother’s best friend before.

  “Thanks. So do you.”

  My mother huffed and gestured for me to sit down. I did as I was told, like always. She had been single since our father had left twenty years before. She refused to let any man in. She had been too hurt and didn’t trust that she wouldn’t be let down again.

  “You’re looking a little flushed, sis,” my brother said, smirking.

  I pulled a face at him, determined not to let him embarrass me. He had obviously noticed how I’d stuck my nose against his friend. Not that I had meant to.

  “This is lovely, Mum,” I said.

  Picking up my knife and fork, I started to help myself to the food laid out in front of us.

  Our mother was a traditional mother who liked to cook for her children. As long as we liked what she cooked. If we didn’t like it, we would go without.

  “What’s new with you, then?” Martin asked.

  It was nice that he was interested in my life. Most people ignored me. To be fair, I always sat back and let others take the lead. It was much easier.

  “I’ve just got a new contract with an online publishing magazine.” I glanced at my mother as she shook her head.

  She had never approved of my chosen career. She thought that freelance writing was code word for lazy. She’d worked in an office until we were born, and when we were old enough to go to school, she went straight back. The way she saw it, women should work as receptionists, if they worked at all.

  “That’s excellent, well done,” Martin said.

  Looking at him sideways, I took note of the slight dimple in his cheeks. The smile that he gave me was different. His lips were not too fat and not too thin either. His hair was similar to my brothers. It was long on his head but darker than most. His skin was slightly tanned where he had been abroad, travelling the world. His eyes were green. I had never noticed how piercing they were. They looked at me, really looked at me.

  I cleared my throat, trying to shake the unfamiliar feeling. Reaching for my glass, I took a sip of water, spluttering when it went down the wrong hole.

  “As smooth as ever.” My brother laughed.

  I glared at him before getting up and going into the kitchen. I didn’t want to cough over everyone’s food and interrupt a nice meal.

  Maybe Lizzie was right. Maybe we were stuck pretending to be younger than we were. Martin had certainly looked at me differently.

  “Are you okay?”

  I plastered a smile onto my face when the man I had been thinking about strode in. He was taller than my brother. His presence loomed quite a bit larger than my own.

  “Yes. I’m fine, thank you.”

  I stood in the middle of the kitchen and looked down at the floor. My jeans were tatty, ripped at the knees. My top was floaty, like most of them. At least I knew how to dress my figure.

  “It’s good to be back. I’m actually thinking about starting an online business. Maybe you could help me?”

  When it came to work, I knew what I was talking about. I nodded, maybe a little too enthusiastically. Martin had somehow got me tongue-tied. Even though he was only a little baby. Or, he used to be. I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression. He was my brother’s friend.

  “Of course. I would be happy to help.”

  My mother hollered from the dining room so we re-joined my family. Martin held out my chair for me before he sat at the table.

  “What happened with you this week, dear?” My mother asked, dumping a load of veg on my plate. It was her way of telling me what I should eat.

  “I got trapped in a bra in a changing room.”

  My mother’s fork clattered to her plate, which pleased me. I liked to shock her. My brother studied me open mouthed, his half chewed food sitting on his tongue. Martin’s eyebrows were raised but in curiosity more than anything.

  “Yes. A handsome man had to help me out of it.”

  It was Charlie’s turn to cough. I smirked at him when he shook his head at me.

  Mother huffed and dumped yet another spoonful of vegetables on my plate. I snatched the spoon from her and put it back in the bowl.

  “Lucky man,” Martin stated.

  We all started to laugh, except for my mother. My brother didn’t look as mortified as I thought he would.

  “Are you going to explain how this happened?” my mother ordered.

  It was interesting that she wanted to know. Maybe there was still a part of her that could have fun. She had never been intrigued before. I loved her dearly, but her ways were pretty hypocritical. She didn’t want to let a man in, yet, when we were teenagers, she had plenty of them. They visited the house when we had gone to bed. Then left her pretty soon after they’d arrived.

  “You know me. I find it easy to get myself into the
se things.”

  I took a mouthful of meat, defying my mother and her perfectly prepared vegetables.

  “We want details. Who was the man?” Charlie asked.

  Martin reached over and topped up my drink. I smiled my thanks, ignoring Charlie’s request.

  “Thank you, Martin. That’s very kind of you.”

  Martin smoothed the collar of his shirt as he glanced at my brother. Charlie frowned as he looked between us.

  “Will you stop flirting with my sister?”

  My mother tutted and slapped Charlie’s hand. The knife he held clattered to his plate. The meal was not going to plan. My mother’s plan, anyway.

  “Will you both grow up? You’re old enough to start acting like adults.”

  Our family dynamic was typical. My brother had always been the favourite. He knew how to manipulate my mother so she did everything for him. He had lived at home his whole life, only leaving when he went travelling as a student. My mother had paid for him to see the world. She hadn’t extended her generosity to me. Not that I had ever had the guts to go off on my own.

  “Come on, tell us what happened?” Charlie pressed.

  I shoved a forkful of food into my mouth and chewed. I shrugged at my brother, winking when he growled at me.

  “She doesn’t have to tell us if she doesn’t want to.” Martin was kind. He sat back in his chair, relaxing his shoulders.

  His physical form wasn’t as impressive as Nathan’s, but he had certainly grown up. The intense looks he darted over to me made my cheeks grow warm.

  “You’re so boring,” Charlie moaned.

  Mother finished her meal and stood to clear the plates, even though we hadn’t finished. Charlie hung on to his, wrapping his hands around the edges, and not letting her take it. Martin offered his thanks as my mother whipped his dinner plate away. I shovelled as much meat and potato into my mouth before she got to me.

  “Why are you clearing the table this early?” I whinged.

  Ignoring me, she went out of the dining room and left us alone.

  “Come on, sis, tell us what happened while she’s not here.”

  It would be less uncomfortable to tell them without my mother listening. “I got trapped in a bra and an assistant had to help me. Unfortunately, the assistance’s good looking brother called her away to an emergency before I could get free. He decided he was going to help me. He managed to get the bra off, but in the process he saw all my wobbly bits.”