“You better take those words back,” said Candace, her tone of playfulness completely gone.
“Which part? The part which ain’t true? Oops. Can’t do it. Everything I said was true.”
Kevin peeked through the window and saw Candace lunge for Dana’s throat. An old-fashioned tussle was set to begin until Karen stepped in between them.
“Ladies, there’s no need to fight. The fact of the matter is, all of us look forward to this day each month, and it was ruined. We’ll just have to be more forthright with Kevin in the future. He’s never forgotten the children before. Maybe there were extenuating circumstances.”
“Oh, no!” said Shannon, with fear seeping into her voice. “Do you think he could be hurt? Maybe he had an accident while running our errands. I heard there was an attempted robbery at the bank today. Some guy handed a note to one of the tellers, threatened the bank with a bomb, and the news mentioned something about bells,” she said shaking her head. “The news wasn’t clear on the bell thing. But I think before the thief could escape, they caught him.”
Brows knitted together in thought, Shannon continued, “Oh, no! You don’t think Kevin was inside when it happened, do you? He’s so brave, there is no way he would have stepped aside and let the bank be robbed.” Eyes wide, she added, “Oh Martha, is it possible Kevin’s lying in a gutter somewhere, and we don’t know it? Oh, I’m scared.”
“Shannon, for goodness’ sake, get a hold of yourself. Kevin is not lying in a gutter.” Candace shook her head like the thought was impossible, adding, “Although he has been acting strange of late. Perhaps they picked him up in the paddy wagon.”
Candace snickered at her ingenuity, and Shannon frowned. “Are you making fun of me?”
“Yep.”
“Candace, please keep your venom to yourself. We may have a serious issue here,” commented Karen.
“Well of course we have a serious issue. Kevin’s losing it. Look where he left the kids today.”
“Hmm, I think you’re forgetting a crucial fact. Rhonda led him to all the wrong places,” said Karen.
“Yeah, that’s true. But why didn’t he know it was all the wrong places?” Candace shrugged her shoulders before adding, “I’ll be honest. He wasn’t like this when I married him.”
“What are you trying to say?” asked a suddenly defensive Dana.
“I think it’s pretty obvious. You last four have driven him to madness.”
Kevin growled low in his throat as the four in question argued loudly with Candace. She blamed them, and they blamed her two children. The fact was, Kevin was to blame for making that stupid wish!
Running his hand through his hair, Kevin walked around the house and entered the back door. He knew he would to have to apologize for leaving the kids at school without a way home, but it rankled him that the ladies had been at the spa. Earlier in the day, Leah had made it sound like they had major things to do. Like there was no time for them to accomplish the tasks on the list. He had to do them. It was life or death. No. The truth was they wanted a day off. They’d sent him to do the real errands just so they didn’t have to do them later! They’d been relaxing in tubs of mud and having massages while he’d been fighting to find a parking space, arguing with an officer of the law, receiving an undeserved ticket, and embarrassing himself at the bank!
All the way to the living room, Kevin questioned why he had to apologize. Honestly, what had he done wrong? Sure, he’d left the kids at school, but that was the women’s fault, right? They were playing around instead of doing their job as mothers.
Before Kevin reached the living room, he spotted Rhonda leaning against the doorframe. “You’re in trouble,” she said.
“Yeah, I heard.”
“Where were you?”
“Robbing a bank.”
“Uh, real funny.”
She bit her nails for a minute. “I didn’t want you to forget us.”
“Yeah, I could see that. You just wanted to toy with me.”
“Well, yeah. You’re my stepdad. I’m not supposed to like you. There’s a rule.”
“Thanks for filling me in.”
“You’re welcome.” Rhonda pivoted, set to walk outside, but before leaving, she turned and added, “Good luck.”
Kevin nodded appreciatively. Even her words of encouragement were needed at this point. Gathering his wavering courage, he went to face the firing squad.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Martha remained silent. But the others more than made up for it. The other women argued enough for everyone. When Kevin entered the room, the arguing didn’t change. Each woman but Martha took turns assaulting him with words. The questions all followed the same theme, coming in short, quick bursts.
“Where were you?”
“What were you doing?”
“How could you forget the kids?”
“How could you ruin our day?”
“Do we have to do everything?”
“Did you finish the errands?”
“Did you rob the bank?”
Kevin wanted to tell them about the day he’d spent ferrying around ungrateful children to the wrong places while they relaxed. He wanted to scream about the experience at the post office. How a little girl helped him open his box, and what a fool he’d made of himself while they’d been enjoying a moment of peace. He wanted to enlighten them on how the lady at the bank had stared at him because of the note Dana had hidden amongst his instructions, all while they had been enjoying a tranquil moment. Kevin wanted to shout at them from the rooftop that he’d been out doing their stupid errands all day while they were relaxing in a spa!
But Kevin kept those thoughts to himself. In the end, he would have to apologize for what happened, whether it was his fault or not. Might as well get it over with and not spend too much time worrying.
“Well, I was at the bank and I gave the wrong note to the teller and—”
“Oh no, I knew it! They thought he was trying to rob the bank! You must have sat in jail all day. Poor baby,” groaned Shannon in despair.
“No, no. They didn’t think that. I just got embarrassed.” Kevin gave Dana a pointed stare. She averted her gaze as he started speaking again. “But on the way out of the bank, I ran into an old friend, and we had lunch. I guess I just lost track of time.”
“Why was your cell phone off?” questioned Dana, getting up her nerve once again after his accusing look.
“It was an accident. I didn’t realize it was off. I had every intention of picking up the kids, but I forgot. I’m sorry.”
All the women started talking at once, and Kevin felt like ramming his head into a brick wall. Then Martha’s calm voice broke through the noise. “Who is she?”
Kevin gulped deeply, while Dana said, “She? He never said it was a she.”
“No, of course not. But, who is she?”
Kevin straightened his spine and answered, “Just a friend from work.”
“Oh,” was all Martha said. But the way she said it was scary. It sounded like a mother trying to think up a punishment before she spoke again.
Kevin waited patiently, as did the others, for what words of wisdom Martha might impart. The ladies were waiting for her to explain herself. Kevin was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe her words would be as good as Solomon splitting the babies in two, but all she did was stand up and whistle.
All the kids quickly filed into the room and lined up along the wall. Martha avoided everyone’s gaze but the children’s.
“Time to get ready for bed. You know the drill. Ready, set, go.”
Eleven pairs of feet took off to do their nightly routine with Martha following them out of the room.
“That is not good,” said Dana.
“Nope. Definitely, not good. I’ve known Martha for a long time and I’ve never seen her like this,” said Candace.
Leah rubbed her belly. “I don’t understand. What’s the big deal?”
“Martha’s worried. That’s the big
deal,” Karen said.
“But Martha never worries,” said Shannon.
“I don’t get it. What’s Martha worried about?” Randi asked with a dumbfounded look.
Dana’s eyes rolled. “Haven’t you been paying attention? Martha’s scared Kevin’s going to get another woman.”
Six sets of eyes focused on him. Where was a good place to hide when you needed it?
“So, is Martha right to be concerned? Have you got another woman in mind to join the household?” asked Shannon, while she chewed on a fingernail.
The old phrase, “Why do I need another woman telling me what to do?” came to mind, but Kevin squelched it. What could he possibly say to resolve this situation?
Kevin blurted, “What’s for dinner?”
“Oh, I know the answer to this one,” Randi piped up. Poor, poor Randi. Easily distracted and a tad flaky. But he had to admit, she saved him, this time.
Randi took Kevin by the hand and led him to the kitchen. He followed her like an obedient puppy, just happy to be leaving the lion’s den. She warmed him a plate of food. Although still stuffed from lunch, he managed to consume a few bites.
Kevin had his head buried over his plate when Randi asked, “Kevin, are the others right? Do you have another woman?”
“Randi, I had lunch with a co-worker. Nothing happened. And I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Okay?”
“Okay,” she answered.
Randi left him alone, and Kevin stared out the window at the backyard. What he wouldn’t give for his life to be like it was before.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Friday…
Only three days of vacation left, thought Kevin as he stared at the living room ceiling, watching a red and black ladybug. He’d heard once that their color told predators to stay away. It meant they didn’t taste good or something. If only he had the same kind of defense mechanism. If only something about him repelled women instead of attracting them.
Kevin thought about returning to work. What would he tell the guys about his vacation? Probably nothing. Hopefully this nightmare would be over before then.
Last night, after he’d lain down to go to sleep, he heard the ladies talking about the agenda for the next day. The kids only had half a day of school. When they arrived home Martha, Randi, Candace, Karen, and Leah wanted to take them clothes shopping. Something about them growing too fast like little weeds. Kevin didn’t understand everything they were saying. What did kids and weeds have to do with one another?
As Kevin continued to listen, the ladies began to debate on whether or not to let him go or to make him stay behind.
“He needs to go. It’s his money,” came Randi’s argument.
“Well, I think he should stay here because he’s not responsible enough,” was Leah’s suggestion. There was one less person on his side.
“He should go with us,” came Karen’s voice. She didn’t give a reason. Her desire for his presence must have been her argument.
“Well, what do you think, Martha?” asked Candace, who had yet to give her opinion.
Martha sounded like an Indian chief declaring a proclamation. “Hmm, him should go.”
Kevin winced. So maybe it hadn’t sounded exactly like that. But it was close enough. Martha wanted him there. And she was angry about it. Okay. Maybe she had a right to be angry. From her perspective, he’d moved six other women in on their marriage. But blast it all! They weren’t actually married!
This was total insanity!
When the women finally went to bed, Kevin considered getting up and going for a run. Maybe he’d get lucky and find the old woman at the park. But what could she do? It was crazy to believe the bag lady caused all this. Maybe Candace was right. Maybe he did need a nice padded cell with a new white jacket.
Kevin rolled over. He squinted as he glanced at the red numbers on the clock. Three a.m. He hadn’t slept well since Sunday. The couch was small and lumpy, and his problems were gigantic and insurmountable. All this amounted to restless nights.
He sat on the side of the couch and held his aching head. He’d made a mess of things. He’d thought yesterday was his punishment. Taking all the kids to school and running all those useless errands had felt like punishment. But in retrospect, maybe his real retribution was the life he’d signed onto in this reality.
Instead of lying in his makeshift bed and rehashing his misery, Kevin rose and showered early. After his shower, he headed to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. Taking a full mug to the back patio, he settled into a chair and enjoyed the sunrise. The yellow orb slowly rose over the ridge. Contentment followed as he sipped his drink, until he was disturbed by an unexpected sound.
Hearing the cell phone ring, he dug in his pocket and pulled it out. When Kevin glanced at the caller ID, shock registered at seeing Angela’s number. On the third ring, he answered with a whisper, “Hello?”
“Oh, Kevin. Are you awake? Oh, of course you’re awake or you wouldn’t be answering your phone. I’m so silly. I didn’t call too early, did I?”
“No. It’s fine. I‘m awake. I was just enjoying the sunrise.”
“Me, too. Isn’t it beautiful?” Angela asked.
“Yes, it is.”
A comfortable silence pervaded the line. Kevin relaxed as her shallow breathing came across the line. For now it was just the two of them.
After a few minutes Angela interrupted and said, “Did you see that?”
“No. What was it?”
“It was a shooting star. Hurry and make a wish.”
Even though Kevin thought the idea was silly, he closed his eyes and wished his life was back to the way it used to be. The knee-high grass, the cracked pavers, the dirty dishes piled to the ceiling, underwear flung on the ceiling fan blades, towels and clothes strewn all about the room. Those were the days.
“Did you make a wish?”
“Yes.”
“What did you wish for?”
Kevin laughed under his breath. If Angela knew what he’d wished for she would think him crazy for sure. “Now, you know I can’t tell you or my wish won’t come true.”
“How do you know?”
“I don’t. But it’s what they say in the movies, right?”
Angela laughed. “Figures.”
Kevin heard a noise behind him. “I better go. But I’ll talk to you later.”
“Yeah, sure. Have a nice day.”
“I’ll try.”
Kevin hung up the phone. When he peered around, Leah was staring at him. “Martha said she’s taking the kids to school and when she gets home, she wants everyone to come in for a family meeting.”
“Okay.”
Leah nodded and left. This didn’t bode well.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Kevin was on pins and needles waiting for Martha to return home. But in the end, his worrying was for nothing. Instead of coming in and rehashing yesterday’s events, she blew into the room, ordered them to be ready at eleven-thirty, and blew right back out. No family meeting. No words of reprimand. Kevin’s pulse returned to normal, and he breathed a sigh of relief.
He felt like he was walking on eggshells. One wrong step, and the house of glass would crumble in on him and cut him to shreds. His muscles were so tense that when a knock sounded on the front door he jumped, bumping his head on a doorframe.
“Oww,” he muttered, trudging toward the door and rubbing his head. Seven wives, and he still needed a butler. Wonder if his income had expanded the same as his house? Otherwise, how could he afford to take care of all these people? Maybe one of them was a rich heiress or something. If there was one who fit the bill, it would have to be Dana. She definitely had the attitude of a spoiled little rich kid.
Kevin pulled the front door open and was surprised by what he saw. Outside on the porch stood a man about five-ten. Hair lay across the man’s shoulders in the back, with a balding patch resting on the top. He wore a white, sleeveless T-shirt covered in barbeque stains, which seemed too smal
l to cover his complete girth. The short shirt allowed his protruding gut to sag over his wide belt. A black leather vest wrapped around his broad shoulders but didn’t extend all the way around the man’s substantial frame. Black, knee-high boots shone as the sunlight hit them. Chains were wrapped through the man’s clothes and around his body. It seemed Kevin should know this person. But for the life of him, Kevin couldn’t remember. Who was this character?
“Hello? Can I help you?”
“Well, ain’t it pretty boy himself.”
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re excused. Is Candace around?”
“What do you need with Candace?”
“Well, that’s none of your business.”
“I believe it is my business.”
“My, my, aren’t we protective of my little ex-lamb chop. Just back down. I’m here for the kids, superman.”
“Kids?” Kevin repeated aloud, as the words “ex-lamb chop” floated around in his head.
“Yeah, doofus. My kids. You know Rhonda and Todd. My kids.”
“You’re Candace’s ex?”
“Is this a joke? Did you just climb down from the stupid tree? Look man, I knew you were dumb, but now you are just amazing me.”
Kevin crossed his arms over his chest in a relaxed pose and asked, “How so?”
“In how you keep getting more and more stupid every time I meet you,” Rick said, laughing heartily.
“Hmm, well I have to be honest. I didn’t know a man could be as ugly as you. You’re so ugly farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.”
“What?”
“You’re so ugly your mother had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.”
Rick’s face took on the color of a beet. But Kevin was just getting warmed up. “You’re so ugly when you were born the doctor slapped the wrong end.”
Rick’s face screwed up in anger. “You want to dance, pretty boy?”
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