Get Your Power On!

by Nancy Jonker

  Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

  R—Reach Out

  Taking full responsibility for ourselves doesn’t mean we have to go it on our own. We are actually able to be more fully present to others when we’re taking responsibility for ourselves. But it goes beyond that. We need to surround ourselves with people we want to be like. We need to find experts, guides, and mentors that align with our vision and reach out to them.

  We need to be open with friends about our desire and intent to grow. Maybe we need to put people on notice that we’re going to strive to develop our potential and that may mean changes in the current relationship.

  Recently, I went to a retreat with a small group of women all desiring to grow their businesses. As it turns out, we can’t up-level our businesses without developing ourselves. In becoming more empowered to grow our businesses, we have to confront the barriers that hold us back.

  During the course of this retreat, our leader read a quote to us. We all busily wrote it down. It was a good quote. I liked it. But the import of it didn’t hit until the next day when someone was struggling with a relationship issue with her husband and I was asked to read this quote aloud.

  Suddenly, the impact of these words hit like a two-by-four. Here’s the quote: “Never suppress yourself to hold, win, or influence another. When we are unreal, so are our rewards” (Vernon Howard).

  There is nothing easy about taking 100% responsibility for ourselves. We need to have people in our lives who will help us be aware, who will call us to accountability for what we’re doing and what we’re leaving undone, and who will challenge us to be fully ourselves.

  This is where having a mentor, a coach, an accountability partner, a mastermind or a therapy group is so important. Even a small group of friends can serve this function for one another if committed to the process. Because, left to ourselves, it is easy to make excuses and to allow our blind spots to go unnoticed and unaddressed.

  Many of us would not leave our homes in the morning without first checking the back of our hair with a mirror. We do this because we realize when we look into a mirror, we can’t see our back side. If we don’t check, we may miss some important information about our back side. Coaches and groups can be our extra mirror, helping us see what we cannot.

  Coaches and groups do more than catch our blind spots though. They provide support and camaraderie along the journey. Last year, a friend and colleague met with me once a week to take a course by Brené Brown on the “Gifts of Imperfection.” It was an online course through Oprah’s OCourse series that took us through the creation of a journal, week by week, as a way of embedding the guideposts for wholehearted living.

  We painted with watercolors, used magic markers, placed stickers and bandaids in our journal—all to gain more acceptance of ourselves and the ability to take more risks with our hearts and lives. My friend and I kept each other accountable to the weekly meetings, sharing ideas and heart-felt moments along the way.

  We inspired and challenged one another to keep going and to dig deep in our quest for wholehearted living. We challenged old beliefs and embraced our imperfections, allowing us to think more clearly about ourselves and freeing up our personal energy for life and love.

  Not only do other people help us stay accountable, motivated, and inspired, research shows that females in particular respond to stress by “tending and befriending” (Taylor). It is good for women to gather in groups, to engage in “troubles talk” (Tannen, 102), and to tend and nurture others. This response to stress also shifts hormones and helps settle the physiological system.

  Inherent in this process of reaching out is expanding our capacity to receive. Depending on our nature and our history, we might be better at giving than receiving. But the flip side of tending and befriending is being tended and befriended.

  There is great power in being able to receive love and support. It expands our capacity to take risks, helps preserve and increase our personal energy, enhances our relationships, and keeps our emotional system running smoothly. Receiving support can also help us think more clearly, decreasing that scattered phenomenon in our heads.

  Up Next . . .

  Stay tuned for the recap of all we have covered about nurturing and claiming our power as women. This chapter pulls it all together by reviewing the dimensions of personal power, limiting beliefs that interfere with the development of personal power, three essential skills, and my POWER formula.

  Chapter 9

  Pulling It All Together—Time to Get Your Power On!

  When a woman rises up in glory, her energy is magnetic and her sense of possibility contagious.

  —Marianne Williamson

  So, dear reader, we have just powered through some life-changing material. Let’s review what we’ve learned.

  The 7 Dimensions

  We discussed the seven dimensions of personal power: cognitive functioning, emotional functioning, boundaries, personal energy, relationship quality, finances, and capacity for taking risks. We got a glimpse of what it’s like to live without well-developed personal power in the life of Sarah, and we talked about what an art it is, really, to be fully ourselves.

  Demystifying 5 Beliefs

  We identified five widely held beliefs that interfere with our developing and owning our personal power: Selfishness is bad and hurts those we love, Guilt should be avoided at all costs, Ambition makes us bitchy, Strength means not showing weakness, and Self-compassion is self-indulgent. We added two particularly destructive beliefs: I can’t trust what I know and I’m the problem.

  We examined and challenged some of these attitudes around empowerment, selfishness, guilt, and shame. We have seen how these attitudes can enhance or impede our personal empowerment and how shifting our attitudes and learning to tolerate uncomfortable feelings can be the key toward greater freedom.

  We have seen how important it is to reach out at every phase of our development and growth. The single best antidote to shame is to expose what we feel ashamed about (this is, of course, the hardest thing to do when we’re feeling this way!).

  Three Essential Skills

  To help move us out of the “wanna be” phase of empowerment, we discussed practical ways we can actually build the foundation we need. We reviewed three essential skills for developing personal power: the ability to center—to access what we know, think, feel, and believe; the ability to ground—to stay connected to our center even when internal challenges, such as guilt and anxiety, arise, or external challenges, like disagreement from powerful others, occur; and the ability to develop and use a flexible boundary system.

  Centering—First we looked at the importance of centering ourselves and went through visualization exercises to foster this ability. We identified how important it is to develop and enhance a relationship with ourselves—to get to know, accept, and value what we find inside.

  Grounding—If centering is our ability to look inside and know what we think, feel, know and believe, grounding is the way we stay connected to ourselves. Grounding is what helps us hold onto our values, perceptions, and beliefs when we’re challenged by internal feelings of doubt, shame, or guilt. Grounding is also what helps us withstand the challenges from others when we bump up against their power or engage with them in disagreements.

  The first of two metaphors for g
rounding we reviewed is the skyscraper model. Rather than building skyscrapers stronger and more rigid, so they can withstand earthquakes, engineers have come to build them in such a way that there is a counterbalance when the ground moves. This way the buildings can withstand the instability of wind and earthquakes without swaying too much or toppling over.

  The second metaphor for grounding is that of a tree with strong, deep, or wide roots. The tree is also able to move with the forces of nature; if it were not, it would crack and fall over when hit with a strong wind. The stronger the root system, the more able to withstand the challenges that come its way.

  Grounding helps us stay connected to what is real in the world today. Many of us live emotionally as though we’re still in high school—with the desire to fit in and belong. We don’t realize that we feel a sense of belonging when we decide that we belong. Grounding helps us realize what is present-day and what is leftover from the past.

  Grounding exercises—We went through a number of grounding exercises including high power poses, jumping in place, and standing grounding poses, such as mountain pose, and more. We discussed how grounding happens through the eyes, hands, and feet.

  We explored how using the breath in rhythm with movement can help to soothe and settle our jangled nerves or can energize and sustain us for the tasks at hand.

  Boundaries—We examined the two styles for developing and maintaining boundaries—the border style and the fort style. We looked at some of the difficulties of a rigid border style and how this can create distance and isolation even when we want closeness.

  We also saw the challenges of keeping our true selves locked into a fort deep within ourselves. We saw the distinction between doing things that make us feel safe (but actually put us at risk) and doing things that actually create more safety for us in the world.

  We went through the “boundaries and bodily cues” exercise twice—the first time with a focus on self-awareness and how it comes through body awareness. The second time, it was about tuning in to our right to establish and maintain boundaries.

  Boundaries help us know who we are—where we stop and another begins. They help protect our energy, so we can channel our precious energy into the relationships and tasks that we choose. Without adequate boundaries, we become more like a boat tossed about in the sea, moving whichever way the waves and the wind dictate.

  Having good boundaries is really about having choice.

  We talked about the repetition compulsion and how our physiological reactions can, at times, demand that we continue in our old patterns. Breaking free from cycles that no longer serve us requires discernment in how to interpret these bodily signals. During some phases of change, we may need to rely on the support and clarity of trusted friends or mentors who can see us through this challenging period.

  The POWER Formula

  In the last section we explored the POWER formula, identifying strategies and skills to maintain a sense of empowerment.

  P = Giving ourselves permission to be fully ourselves, to own our strength, to marry our strength with softness, and to be productively selfish. We can give ourselves permission to offer self-compassion through kindness (treating ourselves as we would treat a friend), common humanity, (taking our place in the circle of life), and through mindfulness (neither minimizing nor catastrophizing our experiences).

  O = Once we give ourselves permission, we are free to observe where and how we manifest this permission. We can tune in to our inner voice through visualizations and body awareness to observe how we manifest empowerment and where it is still challenging for us to be fully ourselves. We can observe through journal writing, which helps us track the role that guilt, shame, and insecurity play in our decisions and interactions. Expressive writing can help us process our feelings and actually promote good health and healing.

  W = Wonder Woman, the icon of empowerment. Wonder Woman reminds us that taking high power poses can shift our hormones, decreasing our stress and increasing our confidence. Wonder Woman also reminds us to be congruent in our expressions of confidence and power. We can take a strong stance with legs and feet, be expansive with hands on hips, and eyes that say, “I mean business.”

  E = Expanding into our strengths is an extension of this. We expand into the outer edges of our bodies, expanding the space we take up in the room and in the world. To truly expand into our strengths, we need to know what they are. We discussed the StrengthsFinder Profile and the Kolbe A Index as two potent tools for discovering our strengths and keeping them front and center in our lives.

  R = Reaching out is the last part of the POWER formula. We reach out to friends and loved ones, we reach out to mentors and guides, and we reach out to our community. We want to surround ourselves with people whose visions align with ours and who can support us in our endeavors.

  —Journal Junction: The 7 Dimensions and You, Revisited—

  At the end of Chapter 2, you spent some time evaluating yourself in terms of the seven dimensions of personal power: cognitive functioning, emotional functioning, boundaries, personal energy, relationship quality, finances, and capacity for taking risks. For each, you rated yourself on a continuum, where you stood before committing to the guidance of this book.

  Once you’ve spent time journeying towards a more powerful you with this book’s guidance, revisit this activity. In your workbook or journal, revisit the seven continuums, each representing a dimension of personal power, and rate yourself again. Compare your ratings of today with those you did previously, before embarking on the journey.

  Choose some specific shifts in your personal power to write about. Describe some successful gains you’ve made. Remember, it’s important to focus on what’s working—even more so than correcting weaknesses! If you’d like, note an area or two where you’d like to see more personal power and set about it.

  The action plan report in the StrengthsFinder Profile can be helpful in developing action steps. However you go about this, do it with an attitude of mindful compassion.

  This journey toward greater and greater empowerment is just that—a journey. It is as wonderful as the destination (if there is an actual destination). The journey is our life. Let’s make it as great and as fun and as powerful as we can! Here’s to us!

  Acknowledgments

  Thank you to all in my community who contributed, in small or big ways, to the process of bringing this book to life. Thank you to the women who courageously shared their stories with me over the years and helped to form and refine the concepts in this book.

  To those who contributed directly to the making of this book, I offer my sincere thanks—Nancy Pile, Chandler Bolt and the SPS community, Shelia Merkel, Emily Rose, Angie Mroczk and Alaina Frederick.

  To the people who sparked ideas about writing, prompted me to act before I felt ready, or helped sustain my energy and spirits during the process, I offer my great appreciation—Heather Abraham, Clint Arthur, Margaret Bratt, Ellen Bristol, Zora Carrier, Jeff Goins, Leah Grace and Rivka Kuano and the whole Unstoppable Women community, Christopher Michael, Christian Roberts, Cecilia Skidmore, and my friends at the Real Food Cafe.

  To the people who have been part of my journey for a long, long time, and have been instrumental in helping me develop into the woman who could write this book, I extend my deepest gratitude—Kirk Brink, Cal and Linda Dykstra, Hap Frizzell, Kristi Gortsema, David Grevengoed, Gord and Marilyn Grevengoed, Jerry and Delia Jonker, Marlene Reenders Kort, Sheila McCormack, Ken Pargament, John Rierson, Sandra Stoller, Mary VanderGoot, Patti Parkison van Eys, Kathleen Veenstra, John Weiks, and Deb Witteveen.

  To my parents, who laid the foundation for all good things to come, who loved me with their whole hearts, and have imbued me with their deepest desires for happiness and wholeness, I offer my heartfelt love and appreciation. And to my husband, who met me in my “wanna be” phase and has journeyed with me through the sometimes stormy passageway into Being, I offer my deepest gratitude and love.

 
Special thanks goes to Charles Kelley and his development of Radix® Education, a neo-Reichian system of theory and technique that uses the radix, or life force, to shift and inform personal growth. Thanks, too, to the trainers and faculty, Becky Bosch, Dale Cummings, Narelle McKenzie, and Renan Suhl, and to others in the Radix community for the continued refinement of the theory and the development of innovative exercises. This foundation, these exercises, and this way of working have informed my body-centered work over the last two decades.

  As a therapist, it is not typical or comfortable for me to tell personal stories. Yet I have been convinced by the writings and stories of powerful women I admire, including Brené Brown, Amy Cuddy, Kristin Neff, Sheryl Sandberg and Oprah, that in telling our stories and being powerful within them, we create an environment for imperfect, vulnerable women to step into their power. It is so often in our vulnerability, we display the best kind of strength.

  References

  Aligned Entrepreneurs with Darla LeDoux. 2015. alignedentrepreneurs.com.

  Branden, Nathaniel. Honoring the Self: Self-esteem and Personal Transformation. Los Angeles, CA: J. P. Tarcher, 1985.

  Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. London: Gotham, 2012.

  The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2010.

  I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough.” New York: Gotham Books, 2008.

  “Oprah’s LifeClass: The Gifts of Imperfection,” online ecourse in 12 lessons, accessed January 2015 to May 2015. http://www.oprah.com/app/brene-brown-on-demand.html.