by Claire Adams
At that, I did roll my eyes. “I’m just not feeling it at the moment,” I told him. I watched Brent closely, though. I’d seen him crossfaded a number of times before, but he wasn’t acting like he normally did. Normally, he got more and more chilled out; but right now, he was agitated and flushed, and his words seemed a bit slurred.
“Are you okay?” I finally asked. “Do you want to come inside? Maybe have a glass of water?”
Brent snorted. “Psh, no, I don’t want to come inside!” he said, reaching out and catching my arm, trying to physically drag me out of my apartment. I dug my heels in and waited calmly until he realized it was a losing battle. He probably would have won that match before I’d started working for John, but now, there was no contest.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked. “You seem a little off.”
“You seem a little off,” Brent retorted. “It’s Vanessa, isn’t it? You’re trying to get into that tight little pussy, and she’s not letting you. Probably thinks she’s too good for you. Thinks she’s too good for this whole God-damned town. But she’s just another prissy, stuck-up bitch. She might have her fancy college degree, but she’s still going nowhere with her life. Needs a good hard fuck is what she needs.”
I had punched him before I even realized I was moving. He stumbled, clutching at his face, but I didn’t feel any sort of remorse. “You fucker. Don’t you dare talk about Vanessa that way,” I told him, emphasizing each word.
Brent lunged at me. Despite how far gone he was, he managed to land a couple blows on me. I dealt the same to him. He’d never been much of a fighter before, but it was clear he knew what he was doing. I had to wonder how many fights he’d been in lately, how frequently he’d been running into trouble at “work.”
We grappled, each trying to get the upper hand. I was stronger, but he was taller and had more reach. We were evenly matched. We spun around, and Brent lost his footing. He started to fall, but with the way we grappled, I ended up holding him up. His shirt ripped, and what I saw there made my blood run cold.
I released him and took a step back. Track marks dotted his arms. His skin was purple and bruised. My eyes found their way back to his. “You’re using,” I accused, the words like ash in my mouth.
“Fuck you,” he said, stepping forward and pushing me. “Fuck you. Like you even give a shit. You’re not even a friend anymore. You’re so stuck up your ass about this whole Vanessa thing. All you ever cared about is yourself.”
I grimaced. His words were like an icy knife to the heart. “You’re using.” I couldn’t do anything more than repeat the words, trying to make sense of it. I knew Brent was smoking, that he was drinking too much, that he was dealing. But using heroin was another thing entirely.
He looked like he wanted to fight some more, like he was going to shout at me, but then he collapsed, as though he were a marionette whose strings had been cut. And what’s more, he started weeping.
“Trethan, man, it’s so hard,” he said, his voice a ragged whisper. “You know I swore I was never going to do this. We all did when we got into dealing, but I’m hooked, man. I’ve tried so hard to get off it, so fucking hard, but I have no willpower, you know? I just can’t help myself. I want to stop. I know I need to stop. My mom would die if she knew. I’m just like my piece of shit dad. But I don’t know how to stop.”
I knelt down next to him, slowly reaching out a hand to touch his shoulder, worried that I would startle him. “It’s okay,” I said softly, not knowing what else to say. This wasn’t the kind of situation you learned how to handle in school, and it was worlds away from my own collapse. I’d been hospitalized, which made admitting my problem so much easier. It had put me into a sterile environment. This was different.
“It’s okay,” I said again, my voice firmer this time. “We’re going to get you help, okay? I still have all the pamphlets, all the information about ODing and everything else. We’re going to take you over to the clinic tomorrow. You’re going to stay here tonight, and we’re just going to chill out and play some video games, just like old times. And then tomorrow, I’m going to drive you over to the clinic, and we’re going to get you all checked in. They’re going to help you get clean again. Okay?”
Brent still wept. He brushed away every tear, defiantly trying to hide the fact that he was here, hitting rock bottom right in front of me. It broke my heart to see him this way.
My mind whirled. I didn’t know how I missed the signs. I should have noticed this sooner. I had experience with these sorts of things, didn’t I? Not that I’d ever done heroin, but I’d hit rock bottom before. I should have noticed what was going on with him.
Had I been so wrapped up in the thing with Vanessa that I’d totally ignored my best friend’s needs?
That question made me feel worse than anything else. It wasn’t the drinking and the fighting and all those ways in which I resembled my father. It wasn’t the fact that I had fucked things up with Vanessa, that I had taken what had been meant to be a special night and turned it into something that ended our relationship. It was the fact that I’d been so caught up in my own life that I hadn’t even noticed Brent was suffering. It was the fact that I’d blown him off time and time again when he must have been desperate for a friend.
I sat back on my heels and pressed my hands into my eyes, hard enough to send bright swirls of color skittering across the back of my eyelids. “We’re going to get you help,” I said again. This time, Brent nodded as though he believed it, as though I’d given him any reason to think he could trust me.
I climbed to my feet and offered Brent a hand up.
Chapter Sixteen
Vanessa
The week and a half leading up to the Fourth seemed to pass in no time at all, no doubt because I was busy contacting artists to find out if anyone was even interested in being featured in a gallery dedicated to local artwork. I found a surprising amount of interest in the local community, but I still needed to figure out a way to come up with the funding so I could get my idea off the ground. I tried going back to the bank to plead with them. I showed them how many local artists were interested in having their work displayed, but the bank insisted that without any sort of collateral, they couldn’t give me a loan.
The day of the Fourth seemed to drag on. I started to wonder why Trethan and I had scheduled our picnic for so late in the day. I was impatient, wanting it to be time for him to pick me up already.
“What’s gotten into you?” Dad asked as I bustled around the kitchen, cleaning the counter for what must have been the third time that morning.
I shrugged, looking around. “It’s been a while since I cleaned in here,” I said, as though that explained things.
Dad leveled me with a look that told me he was entirely unconvinced by that statement, but he didn’t ask me again, for which I was grateful.
I hadn’t told him I was meeting Trethan for a picnic. I’d had to tell him I had plans, of course, but I’d just told him I was meeting up with some friends. It wasn’t really a lie, either. I planned to meet Trethan for a late lunch, and then we were probably going to meet up with some other people later in the day for fireworks.
I just wasn’t sure how Dad would feel about it if I told him I was dating Trethan again. Not that I was really dating Trethan again. We were just going on a date. That was all.
At least for now.
I answered my phone when it rang, distracted enough that I didn’t even glance at the caller ID as I picked it up. “Hello?”
“Hey, Vanessa,” Trethan said. “Look, I know we were supposed to meet up today, but something’s come up.”
I blinked and actually pulled the phone away from my ear for a minute, staring at it. I could hardly believe what I’d just heard. Surely, he was joking? “Ha ha,” I said flatly, rolling my eyes. “Is this your way of saying that you’re on your way?”
“No, I really can’t come,” he said, sounding distracted.
I frowned. Memories of the night b
efore I’d gone to college flitted back through my mind. “You’re blitzed,” I accused. “At least you’ve learned your lesson not to show up to see me like that, but seriously, Trethan? You couldn’t lay off the booze for one day?”
“Is that really what you think of me?” he snapped, sounding a lot more present.
“It’s not like you’ve given me any reason to think otherwise,” I spat. “You keep telling me how much you’ve changed, but all I’m seeing is the same flake you used to be. I don’t know who you think you’re kidding, but it sure as heck isn’t me.”
There was a long silence. “Sure, Vanessa, whatever you want to think,” he finally said, sounding resigned. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, okay?”
I stared at the wall for a moment, blinking back tears. I’d thought he had changed. I knew it was a stupid thought to have, I knew that I should never have expected so much from him, but I’d really thought that things were going to be better between us. That he was the good man my father seemed to think he was.
I’d been foolish.
“Okay.” There was nothing else I could say. “Have a good day.” I hung up the phone before he could say anything else.
I refused to let the tears fall, as much as I wanted to let them out. He didn’t deserve those tears. I had worked so hard to get over him. I shouldn’t be crying over him again.
Finally, I grabbed my phone and called Julie. “Hey,” I said, trying to sound cheery, but afraid I was sounding miserable and fake. “What are you up to tonight?”
Sure enough, Julie sounded suspicious. “Just planning on seeing the fireworks,” she said. “But I don’t have anyone to see them with. Come with me?”
“Yeah. Sure. Let’s go together,” I suggested with false cheeriness. “That’d be fun, wouldn’t it?”
“Definitely,” she said. She paused. “Are you all right, Vanessa? You sound kind of off.”
“I’m fine,” I told her. “Just have some stuff going on. If you wouldn’t mind, I could use someone to talk to as we watch the fireworks. No one’s died, and it’s not the end of the world. I just need some girl time with someone who isn’t going to judge me.”
“Sure thing,” she agreed easily. I guessed she already knew I wanted to talk about Trethan.
That evening, I paired a festive red-and-white hoodie with blue jeans and went to meet Julie at the park. She was there before me, and I navigated the crowd, trying to spot her amongst the other people who’d already spread out their blankets on the grass. Finally, I found her, and I beelined in that direction, dropping down to sit beside her.
“All right, something is definitely up,” Julie said, eyeing me closely.
I widened my eyes at her. “What do you mean?”
She shook her head. “You’re here for fireworks, and yet from your expression, you’d think you were attending a funeral or something,” she said. “Come on, spit it out. What’s up?”
I sighed and ducked my head. “Should have known I couldn’t hide things from you,” I said.
“Well, we always were best friends,” she reminded me. “Besides, you told me you needed to talk. So obviously something is bothering you.”
I paused for a moment, gathering my thoughts. “It’s Trethan,” I said finally.
“Of course, it is,” she sighed.
I shrugged. “You know there’s chemistry there. There’s always going to be chemistry there. And with him working on the ranch with my dad, it’s not like I could really avoid him.”
“Of course, you couldn’t. But what happened? Don’t tell me the two of you slept together or something.”
“It’s worse than that,” I told her.
Julie’s eyes widened. “You’re not pregnant, are you? I mean, that’s wonderful news if you are because-”
“I’m not pregnant,” I interrupted before she could profess too much love for my unborn child. But I sighed. “Trethan and I were supposed to go on a date this afternoon. Nothing too special, just a picnic. Just like we used to do every Fourth of July.”
“Okay,” Julie said slowly. “So it’s either one of two things: you went on the picnic and realized you’re still madly in love with him, only you’re not sure how to explain that to your father. Or else you didn’t go on the picnic with him, and you’re upset about that.”
“We didn’t go on the picnic,” I said, not even bothering to comment how accurate her assessment of the situation was before she even had any of the details.
“And, I’m guessing that you weren’t the one who canceled,” she said. “Oh Lord.” She opened her arms and pulled me into a hug.
For the second time that day, I felt close to tears, and I couldn’t hold back a soft sniffle. “I thought he had changed,” I whispered. “I know you probably want to say ‘I told you so’ because you were the one who told me he was still drinking and doing whatever else. But I really was starting to think he had changed.”
“Oh no,” she said, sounding sad. “Honey, I’m so sorry.”
I shook my head and pulled away. “It was stupid of me to get my hopes up,” I said, shrugging. I ducked my head and bit my lip. “It just feels like nothing is working out for me at the moment. I’m back home in White Bluff. I can’t find the money to open up the gallery. And now this whole thing with Trethan has fallen through, too.”
“I thought you were happy to be back here?” she asked, sounding surprised.
I sighed. “I am,” I said. “If I could get the gallery open, that would solve a lot of problems. It just feels like I’m not doing anything productive with my life. And as much as Dad tells me it doesn’t matter, that he’s not trying to pressure me to get a job, I can’t help but feel like I’m wasting everything that he’s given me. He helped put me through college, but I’m doing nothing with that degree.
“It’s probably better that this whole thing with Trethan didn’t work out because at least I don’t have to tell Dad that instead of getting out and conquering the world or whatever it is that I’m supposed to be doing, I’ve gone right back to the fuck-up I was when I left.”
“Come on, now,” Julie scolded. “You were never a fuck-up, Vanessa. You know that.”
“I know,” I sighed, running a hand back through my hair. I was silent for a long time. “To be honest, I’m still just scared of how much I wanted things to work out with Trethan this time.”
The look she gave me was almost pitying. “Things will work out for you. You know that.”
I sighed. “Will they?” I held up a hand before she could answer. “I know they will. Somehow. I’m just not sure that I’ll like the way things work out. I guess that’s what scares me the most.”
“If you don’t like things, you can always change them,” Julie said. “But really, I think you need to talk to Trethan. I know it’s going to be a difficult conversation, but you owe it to the both of you to sit down and listen to one another. Maybe there’s a good reason he canceled on you today. Something more than that he just didn’t feel like going on a picnic.”
“True,” I said.
The first of the fireworks went off then, ending our conversation. But as I stared up at the brilliant bursts, I couldn’t help hoping she was right.
Chapter Seventeen
Trethan
Since I’d started working for John, manual labor had become my go-to when I needed to turn off my brain for a little while. So the morning after dropping Brent at the rehab center, I decided to muck out the stables. It was a project that I normally waited on until I had to get it done. Of course, I would never wait until the horses were suffering or anything like that, but I had worked there long enough that I knew exactly how long each horse could go between muckings.
That morning, though, I decided I was going to clean out every stall in the entire place. And then maybe re-stain all the fencing around the ranch, something that didn’t really need to be done but would at least keep me busy doing something useful.
Those plans were derailed, though, when Van
essa wandered into the stables early in the morning.
She wrinkled her nose when she saw what I was working on. “I grew up around this place, but I’ve never enjoyed all the unpleasantness that comes along with raising large animals.”
I grinned.
“Maybe I was born into the wrong family, or switched at birth or something,” she said. “Don’t get me wrong. Dad’s great, and Mom was so wonderful, as well. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m so lucky to have been born into this family.”
She glanced at my arms, and I could tell she was thinking of what I’d revealed that night in the Roasted Bison. I still couldn’t believe I’d told her about the abuse. She was the first person I’d ever admitted that stuff to. She probably had no idea she was the only one who knew.
I didn’t know what to say in response, but fortunately, she was talking again before I had time to answer. “I heard this great joke the other day, want to hear it?” I could tell from the way she said it that I was going to hear it whether I wanted to or not. “Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside of him?”
“No,” I said, playing along. “Tell me.”
“The doctor described his condition as stable,” she finished.
I tried to laugh, but even I could hear that it sounded weak. Everything that had happened in the past couple days cast a dark cloud over everything. Vanessa tried to smile at me, but her smile seemed forced. I could tell she was rambling just to stall for time. I wondered what she really wanted. I didn’t have to wonder for long, though.
“What happened yesterday?” she asked bluntly. “Where were you?”
“I can’t tell you that,” I grunted, continuing to shovel clumps of hay out of the stall.
