My One Regret

by Krissy V

  I struggle against the restraint, my wrists are killing me but I don’t care, I pull on them as hard as I can. Nothing happens. Now his hand is trying to get inside my knickers and I can feel the tears starting to overflow from my eyes. I can’t let him do this to me! I can’t let him force me to do something that I don’t want to do.

  He takes his hand out of my shorts and then he has to move his legs to start taking his shorts down. I can see him moving his hand to his shorts and it’s like everything moves in slow motion.

  His hand moves into his shorts. I can feel him touching himself. Then he loosens his legs off mine so that he can take them down just far enough to ...

  I don’t wait to find out what he is going to do. As soon as he has lifted his body weight off my legs I take the opportunity to knee him in the balls. I don’t give him a chance to do anything else to me, I kneed him with all the force I have inside me. I know that this is my one and only chance to get away.

  He screams. I start screaming. I have already loosened the belt around my wrists from all the tugging and pulling I had done. I turn over and am able to open the belt with my teeth. As soon as I am free I jump up and start running away. He recovers quicker than I hoped and runs after me. When he catches up with me he grabs hold of me roughly and shouts in my ear "What are you screaming for? You know you want me, I can see it in your eyes." He grabs my chin and makes me face him and then he says "no one is going to believe you with the way you dress, you little slut." I keep hitting him with my balled fists all the time he is talking. I start crying; he has made me feel so dirty, made me feel like it was all my fault and that I have led him on.

  I know in my own mind that I didn't, but he makes me think that I had led him to do this and that I should just accept what he is about to do to me. I can feel the fight leaving me and I am finally ready to accept whatever fate has in store for me.

  David keeps telling me that I deserve it. That I am a bitch for kicking him in the balls – who is he kidding? He deserved it. Yet the more he tells me it’s my fault, the more I believe him and the more he makes me think that I’m a slut who is just asking for it, the more I believe him.

  I am still crying when Danni and Tony come running over.

  “Cassie are you ok, I heard screaming?” Danni says hugging me.

  Before I have a chance to say anything David says “yeah we’re fine, Cassie was screaming because I was pushing her high on the swing that’s all, isn’t it Cassie.” I look at him, he still has his hand on my arm and he squeezes it tight. How can he lie so easily like that? I go to open my mouth to say something but David just glares at me challenging me to say something. He tightens his grip around my arm and I know that I will have some serious bruises tomorrow.

  “Ok, let’s go then,” says Tony. I am very happy to hear those few words. Of course my happiness isn’t going to last long, David still has hold of my arm and is steering me towards the car. When we get to Tony’s car Danni says she is going to sit in the front and that I have to sit in the back with David. I don’t want to sit next to him, I don’t want to be anywhere near him.

  “Ah no Danni sit with me, please!” I whine.

  “Come on Cassie, I want to sit with Tony. I might not see him for a while,” Danni moaned as she looks across the car to Tony.

  I get into the car first and David follows behind me, not missing an opportunity to touch my arse.

  “GET. OFF. ME” I growl high enough for David to hear me but not loud enough for Danni or Tony to hear.

  David just chuckles behind me. I sit as far away from him as I can in the cramped car. I can’t wait for this journey to be over, I want to get home, have a shower, go to bed and end this night.

  On the journey home, David keeps rubbing my leg like he owns me or something. He keeps squeezing it really hard. I keep moving his hand off my leg and that makes him push harder to touch me. He puts his hand on my leg and starts to move it very slowly up towards the top of my shorts. I keep moving it away but he keeps pressing his nails harder into my skin. Marking me! He eventually gets his fingers underneath the leg of my shorts and starts to rub them on my knickers. I can feel the tears as I try to curl up into a ball in the back of the car. I am so scared, but I also know that I am safe in this car. David won’t do anything too bad with Tony and Danni there with us.

  I look over at him and see him sneering at me while he takes his fingers up to his nose and sniffs them. I groan again and turn to face away from him. I can feel the bile starting to come up into my mouth. I am going to be sick if this car doesn’t stop soon.

  When we get closer to my house, I ask Tony to stop the car because I don’t want David to know where I live. Even though I know he doesn’t live in the same town - I don’t want him to know anything about me!

  When Tony pulls over I can see Danni looking at me strangely because she knows we aren’t anywhere near my house and she says “are you ok? What’s going on?”

  I look at her and just simply say “I feel sick I need to get out of the car. The fresh air will do me good.” I can’t look her in the eye. “I’ll ring you tomorrow,” I say, hoping that she believes me.

  She looks at me and I can see her studying my face, she finally gets out of the car and pulls her seat forward to allow us to get out too.

  “Thanks for the lift Tony, I really appreciate it” I say as I wait for David to get out of the car first. Once I am out of the car I try to walk past him as quick as I can.

  As I do he pulls me closer to him, puts his hand around the back of my neck under my hair and brings me close so that he can whisper in my ear. “Babe, I’m going to finish what I started tonight. You won’t know when, but you WILL see me again. I’m looking forward to sampling everything you have. Keep an eye out for me!” He leans towards me and kisses me on the lips, roughly. I squirm and try to pull away, but he keeps me kissing me. He eventually pulls away and just grins at me, before he gets back in the car. I know Danni saw him kiss me, she wouldn’t believe me if I told her what he did.

  I am petrified, but I just want this night to be over and I want to forget everything about David and his threats to me. I watch them drive away and it isn’t until I can see the tail lights disappear that I actually move from the spot where I am standing, rigid and scared. I turn to lean on the wall and then I vomit everywhere. I just can’t stop being sick. It’s like my body wants to reject everything that had to do with David. After about five minutes of being sick there is nothing else to come up. I close my eyes and lean against the wall. I stay there in the peace and quiet for ten minutes before I feel that I can move.

  I don’t care that it’s pitch black out, I walk slowly home thinking and replaying everything that happened. I try to think whether I had in any way encouraged him, but I know I didn’t because I hadn’t noticed him at the party.

  When I get home I jump in the shower and stay in there until all the tears that are flowing from my eyes have dried up. I step out and I can see the bruises appearing at the top of my legs and on my arms where he was digging his fingers into my skin. My wrists have bruises around them from the belt and my waist from where he was trying to undo my shorts and on my legs I have huge dark purple bruises where he was resting his knees, using all his body weight to keep me pinned to the floor. They don’t hurt because just thinking about what he did and what he could have done hurts an awful lot more. After drying myself off I put my dressing gown on and go to bed.

  I stay awake for hours just so that I don’t have to close my eyes. Whenever I do it is like a movie playing behind my eyelids, reliving every single microsecond of what happened in that playground.

  Eventually my eyes start to close by themselves and the last thought that I have before I fall asleep is that I wonder whether I was to blame somehow? I think about David and how he threatened me and how he nearly took what I treasure the most – my innocence.

  When I wake up I have a smile on my face, the party was great fun last night. I think about my friends and
how we danced and laughed so much. Then my memories change and it all comes crashing down around me and I remember everything in great detail. What am I going to do? I cry some more and lay here thinking and rethinking everything! I don’t get out of bed for hours, I just can’t face the day. Maybe if I stay in bed all day then I won’t have to face what actually happened.

  “Are you ok Cassie?” Mum says when she comes into the room for the fourth time this morning.

  “Yeah I’m just tired – it was a late night you know,” I say, trying to be cheery like I usually am after one of our beach parties.

  “Hmm ... ok, well your Dad and I are going out so I guess we’ll see you later,” she says turning around and heading out the door.

  At least I don’t have to get out of bed yet, I can lay here and just try to forget what happened.

  I spend the day ignoring the incessant ringing of the house phone, which rings on and off all day. It has to be Danni wanting to get the gossip on David, or Bonnie ringing to see how last night went. I really don’t want to speak to either of them today! I eventually get out of bed around four o’clock just before Mum and Dad come home. We have dinner together, but I don’t eat very much. I have lost my appetite. Halfway through dinner I have to run to the toilet to throw up the little food that I ate. I guess thinking about what could have happened and the food on top of that was just too much for me.

  Mum and Dad are worried, but I just tell them that maybe one of the burgers wasn’t cooked enough or something. Thankfully, they believe me, although I think Mum isn’t totally convinced that there’s nothing wrong with me.

  Sunday is much the same, I only get out of bed when Mum makes me. “Cassie I’m really worried about you,” she says at dinner time. “the burger is taking too long to get out of your system, are you sure it’s nothing else?”

  I can’t look her in the eye because I don’t like lying to her. Mum and I have a really close relationship. I can talk to her about everything and we have a lot of fun together. I’m not sure how she would take knowing what happened on Friday night, she might blame me for wearing those shorts. I sigh. “I’ll be fine Mum honest, I just need some more sleep.” I can feel myself withdrawing more and more into myself and I really don’t know how I am going to cope at school tomorrow.

  “The Confession!”

  Bonnie’s POV

  I didn't go to the beach party this weekend so I can’t wait to hear all about it from Cassie and the others. I tried to ring Cassie on Saturday and Sunday but there was no one home. It was a bit strange because we usually spend the weekends together either shopping or at the beach. I’m guessing she must have been busy with her Mum and Dad and getting ready for going back to school.

  I don't see her walking into school this morning, which is also a bit strange, we usually meet at the bottom of the school drive and walk in together. Especially on the first day back at school. I hope I have a class with her later this morning then I can see her and ask all about the party.

  I walk into our new classroom and she isn’t there either. We have registration and we are given our new timetables and I head off to French class and see Danni on my way. I walk with her for a bit and ask her how the party was and she blushes and says, "it was a great night. I got together with Tony and he gave us a lift home with David," she's blushing.

  "Who's David?" I ask her.

  "Oh he's Tony's cousin, he seemed alright. Cassie will tell you about him, she spent quite a while talking to him" she says, smiling.

  "Yeah I'm sure she'll give me all the information when she gets here. She's never normally late.” I keep looking around trying to find her in the busy corridor. “It’s so strange! Did you see her over the weekend other than at the party? I haven’t been able to get in touch with her."

  “No, I spent Saturday and Sunday with Tony before he had to go back to Bristol with his cousin. David was asking if I had spoken to Cassie though, I think he liked her” she smiles.

  “I’m surprised she didn’t mention him," I say to her. I’m sure she would have rung me if she had met a guy, we always tell each other everything. “Anyway, I have to go to French. Tell her I’ll talk to her later if she turns up in your class," I say heading off to class.

  "Yeah, see you later" Danni says heading off in the other direction towards her Economics class that she has with Cassie.

  My day is like any other Monday except Cassie doesn't turn up. I don’t like it because the teachers are asking me where she is, so her mum obviously hadn’t rung in and said she was sick. I can't wait to get home and ring her to see if she's not well. Something just doesn’t feel right, she is never distant, I hope everything is ok.

  Just as I'm walking out of school to go home Jezza catches up with me. He is one of our group of friends and he is so good looking. He makes me blush just looking at him. We have all been friends for a couple of years, but it is only in the last six months that I have looked at him and felt differently about him. "Hey Bonnie, slow down I’ll walk home with you." He's a bit out of breath, he must have been far behind me and ran to catch up with me. I slow down and let him catch his breath.

  "Hey Jezza how’re you? Did you go to the beach party on Friday night?” He nods his head. “Did you have fun?" I ask him, not really wanting to know whether he hooked up with someone.

  "Yeah it was a good party, but it would have been better if you were there" he says looking at me and smiling.

  Wait! Did he really just say that? I shake my head because I'm sure I misheard him. I just ignore what he said and ask "Did you see Cassie there?”

  He smiles and nods his head. “Yeah she was there. Why?”

  “Did she seem alright to you? I couldn’t get hold of her over the weekend and it's unlike her to miss the first day of school. I'm going to ring her when I get home, but just thought I'd ask." I know I'm waffling at this stage but I'm seriously getting worried.

  "She was great, she brought her boom box with her and played her cheesy music. She was dancing around, laughing and joking and talking to everyone who was there. She looked like she had a great night" he says smiling at me.

  "That sounds like Cassie alright" I say laughing. "Did you see this David guy? I heard Cassie was talking to him while she was waiting for Danni."

  "Was that his name? He must have been the new guy that was hanging around. He seemed to be drinking quite a lot and having fun. I never saw him with Cassie though. He looked ok," Jezza says.

  "Listen I have to get going, I'll talk to you tomorrow Jezza" I say wanting to get home to ring Cassie.

  “Talk to you tomorrow Bonnie” he says smiling at me and I watch him walk in the opposite direction. He waves when he is about to walk up to his house. I wave back and can feel myself blushing even though he is so far away. I have it really bad I chuckle to myself.

  I'm walking home and all of a sudden I decide that I want to go and see if Cassie is alright, rather than just ringing her. I just have a strange feeling in my stomach. I suppose that's what happens when you've been best friends for years. You know each other inside and out, I just wish I had been at that party. I can feel that something bad happened because Cassie would never ignore me, so the only alternative is that something is wrong.

  I walk up to Cassie's door, knock and wait for someone to answer. Mrs. Thomas comes to the door a little bit surprised to see me. "Hey Bonnie how are you? How was your first day at school?"

  "I'm good Mrs. Thomas I just wanted to see Cassie. I need to ask her about some German homework." I don't know why, but I get the impression Mrs. Thomas didn't know Cassie hadn't been at school today and I didn't want to get her into trouble.

  "Didn't you just leave each other?" she asks curiously. "She's gone for a walk on the beach to clear her head. She said she didn't have any homework" she's looking at me strangely. Crap, I don’t want to get her in any trouble.

  "I know. It was about something we did in class that I didn’t understand. I'll go find her at the beach. We didn't get chance t
o talk much today." I say as I turn around to walk away.

  "Can you tell her not to be too late home please?" Mrs. Thomas says.

  "I'll tell her. See you Mrs. Thomas.” I start walking away towards the beach. Something just doesn't feel right and the closer I get to finding Cassie, the more I start to worry!

  I can see her sitting on the wall looking out at the sea. She looks like a mermaid sitting there dangling her legs over the wall, with her platinum hair tumbling over her shoulders. I stand there for a couple of minutes just watching her, she looks lost and I know instinctively that I was right to trust my feelings. There's definitely something wrong. She looks so sad and Cassie is usually a very happy, smiley person.

  "Hey Cassie," I shout so she can hear me.

  She turns to look at me, surprised I've found her. She looks like she's been crying. I hope she's ok! "Hey Bonnie what are you doing here?" She looks confused.

  "I was worried about you, Cassie,” I say pulling her in for a hug. "You didn't ring me after the party. It’s just not like you. You always ring me if I don’t go to a party and tell me all the gossip. Then when I rang your house you were never there to take my call. What's going on?" I ask gently because I can feel her sobbing quietly into my shoulder. "Come on we talk about everything."

  "Oh Bonnie I'm sorry I just feel so ... so ... I don't know how I feel," she says still nuzzled into my shoulder.

  “Ok” I say. “Tell me about the party. Did something happen? Did someone say something to you?” I’m asking questions to try and draw it out of her. “Who’s arse do I need to kick?”

  “I don’t know where to start really. You have to promise not to tell anyone. Please? I don’t want anyone to know,” she is pleading with me now and I am definitely getting worried.